Is there a support site for spouses?

[LadyG]

My husband suffered a SAH.  He refused treatment for 4 days.  Six days in ICU.  Just stopped taking Nimotap, though wouldn't take as directed, 17 days was Dr's cutoff date.  No physical imparements.  Yet, some things are defiantly different.  Lack of empathy.  Psychosocial shifts. He hates missing Church (unlike me) or Bible Studies (I never go).  He's missed both ever since SAH. 

 

I have reached out to our Church about his anger, hoping to find comfort.  They pretty much don't get it.  I should be grateful.   I tried to talk to his Mom.  She scolded my concern as negative thinking. I asked the ICU social worker if I could meet with her to better understand.  No response.  As he is getting a little stronger, less naps, ive encouraged daily wals, 2 to 5 miles in a natural setting, parks, ocean, etc., he seems farther away connectively. 

 

We've always been flirty, enjoying playfully banter.  We are over 50.  The nurses accused us of being newlyweds.  They were right.  It will be 2 years in July.  However, the playful banter is gone.  4-weeks post SAH, today, he's accused me of being in appropriate and/or appears emotionally paralized and puzzled by my playful comments.  When I pointed it out, he claimed, "that's a lot to think about. I will have to look for the "clues".  Further discussion revealed he would have to look for the clues inside of him, but couldn't explain what that meant.  

 

Our condo has very high windows.  The moon shines into our living room especially when it is full; which we both enjoy and had been marveling together the night of his SAH.  Prompted by a line in a movie we were watching, I shared with him, "Perhaps all we need to do is dance in the moon light."  His response, "I will never dance in the moonlight!"  (We have so enjoyed dancing together, even at home, alone). 

 

I asked him why?"  By his delay I sense he could tell I was hurt.

 

"Because, we never get moonlight here."

 

"Yes we do.  About every 30 days."

 

"Every 30 days?  Well, we never see it.  It is always overcast."

 

We had just watched Ariel Cities San Francisco.   They talked about the fog.  We live in Southern California.  Over cast and fog last about a nano-second.  

 

Nobody else in his life would notice this.  Not his church of 20 years.  Not his Mom.  Nobody we know. He's a highly intelligent, well read man.  I often forget simple things, he's always reminding me.  For him to not remember our spectacular seats during a full moon...disturbing to say the least.  

 

This is just an example.  He says things I've never heard him say before.  For example, "Cats are like women, you have to be mean to them, then they will come back for more."  WHAT???  So contrary to the man I know pre SAH.

 

In the hospital he claimed his pain was a 4.  This week he told me it was a 15.  He has always expressed anoyance about mochismo manerisms, now he seems to embrace the very attitude he's dispised.  So when asked, "How are you feeling overall...he responds, "Fine!"  With further questioning, he admits he's struggling, but won't describe specifically.  

 

I'm at a loss.  To our world, he seems fine.  To me...not even close to fine.  

 

I seriously need support.  

 

[Super Mario]

Welcome to BTG.

We do have a forum for carers

http://web.behindthegray.net/forum/12-carers-support/

 

It does sound as if your husband could benefit from some counselling. I wonder if your insurance would allow that if he is willing to participate. May well be worth enquiring about it on your husband's behalf but of course in the end it is down to him what he does.

 

SAH can leave many changes, both physical and mental. Each case is different as is the recovery.

[subzero]

 

 

Hello, and also a warm welcome to BTG.  While we do not give medical advice you will receive much support from the wealth of information within the site Forums, and also from members sharing their experiences of their recovery journeys.

 

Perhaps you can confirm that your husband did have a SAH as opposed to NASAH.

 

Your comments about how your lives have been affected by the bleed are common place within this site.  Depending on the severity and positioning of the bleed, the recovery can have many challenges which you both have to face together.

 

Firstly, it is very early in your husband`s recovery.  During the first year you will become more aware of the issues that are going to be longer term.

The main thing to accept is, progress is unique to each bleed. Time and patience are so important in the early weeks and months.

 

Personality changes, mood swings, headaches and fatigue are common.  These are real challenges. 

Following discharge from hospital, like you experienced, here in the UK too the follow up and support is hard to find.  Hence the reason for this site.

 

Your frustrations with family and friends not understanding your husband`s condition is again common place. He may appear ok outwardly, but his brain has obviously suffered much trauma and you can see the effects in most aspects of your life together. The emotional issues ca be very tough for you to deal with. He mayt be in denial about the problems you are encountering.

 

Also, bear in mind that if your husband went to church, the chatter from the congregation , the `noise` of the music  and also him listening to any controversial  topics which he feels strongly about, can all have a problematic affect  on his brain.

 

Please make sure he does get plenty rest and keeps well hydrated.  Try and talk things over with him but be sensitive as you go. This recovery may be a big test of your two year marriage from time to time.  Be prepared not to take everything to heart when he is behaving an talking out of character.

 

Please take time to read some of the topics within the Carers Forum, and within the Introduce Yourself Forum.  You will instantly relate to many of the comments, and you will begin to feel you are not alone.

 

Wishing you well as you face the challenging future.  Please don`t hesitate to ask for support at any time.

 

 

Subs 

 

 

[Winb143]

Hi Lady,

 

I had an SAH 4 and a shunt fitted a year later because of Hydrocephalus etc. 

 

My Hubby was brilliant but I explained to him I cannot take on worries of his and explained about the stress it puts me through ... Sorry men!! but women seem to find it easier to talk about problems.  On here it is different as we have all been through it or living with people who have had it.

 

Without You  or all our Carers we would be lost.  He is in there and I'm sure you Love him and visa versa.  Sounds like you have a good stable marriage.  We do change slightly, perhaps he is scared deep down or worried.  It does make us realise how vunerable we are.   

 

Before coming on here I was planning my funeral but I saw people laugh about it all,  and this site gave me hope xxx 

 

Hope you and hubby can sort it out xxxx  Worth it fight for it  xxxx Good Luck 

 

Winb143  xxxx Still have a Sister who tells me all her troubles lol  xxxxxx Arghhhhh