Karen

Hi Sami, Hope that you have a good evening and a decent sleep! Yes, I know what you mean about "is it likely to happen again" .... I suppose it's a hard one to answer .... but it's an important question for those of us who have suffered this... It's okay for the medics to say, "well I have more chance of having one then you" etc.... but unfortunately, with what I've read, I know that it can happen again. I also happen to know that my coiling has compacted...as I understand, it leaves a neck. Therefore, my coiling isn't 100% successful ... from the papers that I've read you need total occlusion to have a good result. I'm able to live with that fact ..... but sometimes, I wish that I could have had it clipped. I know that there are bigger risks when operating during clipping ..... but I often wonder whether coiling is the cheaper alternative. From what I can see, there's still not enough research re: clipping V coiling. Perhaps, you can only draw on your own conclusions ..... but I'm certainly going to ask a few more questions on my next trip to the hospital. When I had my angio follow up at Southampton, I received a letter telling me that my coiling was "satisfactory".......at that point, I knew that it hadn't been totally successful....that's what my gut insitinct told me.....it turned out to be right and that the coils had compacted, but they were okay and it was "acceptable." I know that in the real world there are no guarantees in life....but it's damned hard living with this and you could really do with somebody telling you that "everything is going to be alright". It's very hard at the time to ask the right questions.....I'm hoping that next time I see them....that I will. Lots of love, K x

Hiya, I'm a nibbler too.....but only in private! (Especially with a Mars Bar Ice Cream) Like yourself, I can't plan a holiday....but I can understand how hard it must be for you, after having the bleed and being away from home. I certainly still don't want to fly....I've always suffered with ear ache and popping when I've flown, but if I had it now on a plane I think that I would have an attack of the vapours!! It's bad enough with the pressure in the car. Did you get the pressure feeling in your ears at the time of the SAH? Anyway, if I go anywhere next year ..... it's going to be in the UK and booked last minute ..... preferably a 5 Star Hotel with a Spa!! I've been in contact with Julie Cancea (also a SAH survivor) from the Different Strokes website....she helps out the charity a couple of days a week and was commenting on how we always refer to "my SAH" when we speak about it...and said it's funny how we "own" our SAH. Julie has her story on the Different Strokes site and it's inspiring....if you get a chance then have a read. She seems like a very nice lady. Glad it's just not me that talks to their brain! Like you, I felt as though having a shout back made me feel more in control, instead of being controlled. Sometimes, think that somebody is going to lock me up and throw away the key! It's a good idea to try and divert yourself on Saturday .... being on your own, does get better with time and I still get anxious even now when I know that Eric has to go away. I used to have tears when he went off and felt like a child of about six years of age.....that doesn't happen so much now, only on odd occasions if I'm having some physical symptoms. Once he's gone, I'm fine, it's just the thought of it. I know that the chances of anything happening are slim.....so now I try my best not to think about it. Hopefully, time is still a great healer..............it just feels as though time sometimes, is taking too long!! Anyway, I think that you are doing marvellously, so just be kind to yourself! Must go, as about to prepare dinner ..... I made a chicken stir fry with a black bean sauce last night ...... it was horrid.......don't quite know what I did with it, but obviously massacred something along the way. (Mind you, the dog seemed to enjoy it...but then again he eats horse poo...so no compliments there!) So, making it up to my kids this evening with something that's hopefully half decent and edible! You take care, Lots of Love K x

Hi Sami, Good to hear that your counselling session was a positive experience ..... I think that there's probably a lot of baggage that people have in their past that affects them after a SAH ... certainly having a life/death experience makes you feel very vulnerable. A lot of people I have spoken to, no longer plan things and tend to live for the day. I still feel as though I can't plan too far ahead, I'm not sure whether that's ever going to change now, but it seems to be a common reaction after a SAH. I can't seem to be able to look forward and see tomorrow, I'm only able to handle one day at a time. I used to be so organised ..... always making plans on how I was going to spend my time and my days off from work....always something on the go or people to see. However, by taking it day to day, it has cut down on the stress factor, so may be it's the brains crafty way of making you slow down! Join the club! re: bottom of the pile ...... like you say though, good news in one sense that he thinks that you are doing okay. I actually think that the anxiety factor has been the worse thing to handle, so if you are able to deal with that, then you will be half way there. I tend to go through patches of it, depending normally on my physical state. I still get really anxious when I have the weird pains shooting through my head and last week I found myself shouting out aloud, something like "well come on then, do your worst etc......" (language was a bit more colourful than that) It did have the desired effect of getting rid of the adrenalin.....I'm not quite sure what came over me, at least I was at home with nobody around, otherwise they would have thought that I was going nuts, challenging my head to explode!! May be I need the therapy!!! Anyway, read too much again last night...couldn't put my book down and then couldn't get off to sleep.....I never learn.......still hopefully I will learn some moderation one day! Hope your day is a good one, Love Karen x PS: Do you nibble the chocolate off your bounty first ?

Good morning everybody! Just wondering how everybody is doing especially the newer members of the group who've been pretty quiet? Hope all is well with you and let us know how you're getting on with life. Sami, hope that the counselling went well yesterday and I will come back to the board a bit later. Take care, Karen x

Hi Andy. It's good to hear from you! Glad to hear that the heads are a little better. Yep, 94 is a really good age, especially if you've been lucky with your health ..... It's over twice my own age ..... which seems extraordinary really ..... don't think that I will make that many numbers somehow!! Hope that your Mum is okay though....she must miss him. Anyway, not much news, which is good in one sense. Keep well and take care, Love K x

Hi Andy, It's really so good to hear from you ..... I was getting worried!! I'm really glad to hear your good news about Heather ...... but so sorry to hear about her job ..... they've obviously given it to somebody else? I used to work in Personnel or the trendy name HR ...... I can't believe that a reputable employer would do that ...... it's actually extremely hard to fire somebody and you have to stick to the rule book .... no deviations .. or as an Employer you leave yourself wide open to an Employment Tribunal. I left that employment, due to stress after my warning bleed.....I was working for a chain of hotels and the staff were very transient .... lots of issues, including racial discrimination etc. but the Company were very good and did everything by the book and looked after their staff. I really can't believe that there are still so many bad Employers ..... did Heather work for a large Company or a small one? I wish you luck Andy, as I would imagine that Heather has a very good case. I still love the way that you write ....... perhaps you should turn your hand to it one day. Anyway, wishing you and Heather the very best ....... let us know how you get on with it all ...... You always sound so calm ...... not sure that I would be .. anyway, you take good care of yourself, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, Good luck with the counselling and don't hold back with your feelings or thoughts, they're better out than in. Yes, it's probably wise to chase up the hospital if you haven't received an appointment, they're not infallible and at least it gives you peace of mind. I think that I might wear a bandage around my head as well.....just for the sheer hell of it! The other Saturday, when I was in the supermarket with Eric ... holding onto the trolley for support and trying to avoid the huge amount of people coming at me as though there was a food famine.. this guy just rammed his trolley hard into my legs .... it ****** well hurt ... never apologised or anything ...... I felt really angry and Eric was livid.....I nearly turned around and gave him my life story! That's when I could have done with the bandage ..... some people are just so ignorant and I think that I'm too polite, always getting out of their way, when they don't make any allowances. Just finished a bacon sarnie ..... it was lovely ..... something I don't do very often, as I would be the size of a house! It's a shame that you don't feel quite so upbeat today .... I find that too, if I get a bit stressed out, it quickly seems to lower my mood. I think that's part and parcel of the recovery....the brain just doesn't seem to want to cope with the stress, I also find that the fatigue can kick back in, almost like a warning sign telling you to slow it all back down again. Not sure if that makes sense to you! Anyway, must go....glad you got paid.....now you can spend!!! Take care, Love K x

Morning Sami, Yes, I think that's the trouble with brain injury...... nobody can see it ...... unless you're walking about with stitches and bandages on your head. It's hidden from view and you look fine. I was a bit dissappointed that it's going to take some time to get an appointment, but they didn't tell me that, when I saw the Consultant. I suppose they have to prioritise people and I'm probably way down the list on that one. I do understand though, that there are obviously people that need the treatment more urgently than I do. Just wish that the people that run the NHS, fund it etc could have a taster of my life, spend a day in my body and then see if they could function normally. That's my moan over with for the day! I've had an e-mail from Andy P ....... I don't think that he's still feeling particularly well, but he sounded a little better ...... he's been struggling with sleeping by the sounds of it and getting tired spells at lunchtime. If I remember rightly, today is the funeral of the chap that was living with his Mum. So Andy, if you read this, I shall be thinking of you. I also haven't heard anything from Andy Howland for quite a while, so just hoping that all is okay with him....I always worry when I don't hear from people for a bit. I think that my anxiety stems back from the old discussion site that we used and there was a lovely guy called Wayne who used to post regularly.......then suddenly nothing, until his wife contacted us to say that he had passed away. I was so upset......he was a lovely character, always happy and always put a smile on my face. You must get really worried about Paul, especially working those sorts of hours.....it's definetly not any good for you......but I suppose when you run your own business and you have deadlines to meet, then you sometimes don't get much choice in the matter. I also had quite a good night...........but read too much of my book, as it was getting good......always fatal, as I end up going to sleep too late! but I slept well......just a bit late getting up this morning. Anyway, must go and do some work and will speak to you later, Love K x

Hi David, Hope that you are feeling well. Just wanted to ask you how your case is going with the employment tribunal? Hope that you're managing not to get too stressed out and just to let you know that I'm thinking about you. Take care, Karen x

Hiya, forgot to mention earlier that I chased up my hospital appointment for Physio at the Brain Injury Centre........apparently they still haven't got a "slot" for me.....but they're hoping to be in contact with me in the next couple of weeks. I think that they are going to try to re-train my brain to accept the dizziness...... I'm looking forward to getting started as I really do want to stop feeling so whoozy and out of control all of the time ...... it's debilitating. Love to all, K x

Hi Sami, Well my excitement for the day has now passed and all of the shopping is put away...........mind you, the delivery boy was very cute!! Who says that staying at home is boring!! I'm sounding really desperate now! I can just about remember deadlines etc....... and yep, it used to be frantic......that's why all of us newspaper people always used to end up down the pub! I certainly couldn't or wouldn't want to deal with it now! So, you take care of yourself and I shall look out for some of your work. I love Boots Botanic moisturiser!! Yes, it can be hard being by yourself....I still can't get used to Eric going away.....he's always gone away through work......but at the back of my mind, there's always the "what if" question that rears its ugly head! .... it hasn't helped having to go into hospital for a 2nd time...but my confidence is coming back again.... I still often wonder where the "old Karen" has dissappeared to....but just hope that she comes back one day. Must go.......everybody's starving here.... You take care and enjoy the sole use of the remote! Love K x

Hi Sami, When you mentioned proof reading....it reminded me of the time when I worked at the Bournemouth Evening Echo.......working in advertising and accounts....proof reading, one of the many tasks, basically Jack of all trades......many moons ago...when the likes of Anne Diamond and Bill Bryson worked there also in the 70's. (The 70's make me feel so old!!) Paul's line of work sounds really interesting..........my daughter is taking Graphics as one of her GCSE's..... she's good at design, but finds it a pretty tough subject. Your work sounds very similar to what I've done...Admin....Jack of All Trades!!......but people like us are normally very versatile, aren't we!!! Anyway, glad that you've got the accounts done..........being self employed myself, I know what it's like waiting to be paid and having to chase people up! Must go, the shopping has finally arrived and now I have to put it all away...the excitement is too much!! Speak to you soon, Love K x

Hi Annie, Welcome back! Hope that you enjoyed your holiday...it sounded fun! I can remember going camping in a tent and then coming back home and the house looked huge. (Even though our house is a bit like the size of a dolls house!) How did you cope with the snoring when your were in the RV? Are you like Sami and myself who wear ear plugs........ I think that when my eldest leaves home, I shall be in that bedroom like a shot ..... I quite fancy my own bedroom again ..... a pretty, feminine room with just my "bits and pieces" in it!! Re: Anti deps - I really don't know much at all about them. I can understand why you are worried about coming off them altogether. It must be very scary looking back as to how you were, before you took them. I would imagine that you would very slowly decrease the dosage, a little bit like the Anti Sezuire meds that I was on. I too, felt really scared, but I decreased extremely slowly and took it over many more months than you would normally have to. I think that you have to get used to some of the withdrawal effects as well and it took me about a month to decrease each 25mg and about 8 months to finally stop. Every time I decreased, it seemed to take about a week to have an effect and then I would have a few days of withdrawal symptoms, normally tiredness...but nothing too awful. I did however, have a couple of months where I stayed on the same dosage, as I started to worry about the seizures coming back and didn't feel confident about reducing at that point. I then stayed on the lowest dose possible for another couple of months, just to build up my confidence that nothing awful was going to happen to me. Eventually, I managed to stop taking them....but it also took me a fair few months to feel confident that all was going to be okay. Now, I barely think about having seizures, but it took time. If you go ahead with it Annie, then take it real slow and do it at your own pace. It takes time to re-build confidence. Anyway, lovely to have you back...... Take care, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, Yep....it was a huge sticky danish..... so think that it will also cover me for lunch as well! Dee's a great mate, she's very supportive and very kind...always offering to help out, even though one of her children is mentally handicapped and has physical disabilities. She works in the evenings, has her Mum in law living with her as well, she's like "Wonder Woman" and still manages to look absolutely great, as well as keep a smile on her face. She never moans about her lot.......rarely seems to sleep, partly due to her son's needs, as he is severely epileptic and can fit during the night. How she manages to keep a sense of humour I really don't know, but I feel really priviledged to have her as a friend. (She also buys great cakes!!) Just waiting for my shopping to be delivered and then I will probably get my sewing machine out and make a few more Christmas bits. I still like to feel that I can achieve something during my day, it keeps my brain going! It's so cold down here ......I've just put the heating on, as I'm freezing.......Eric has landed in Gibraltar and won't be back until Thursday, so I will have a quiet house for a few days. Think he's off to Poland next week. Anyway, will catch you later.....hope that you've finished the accounts! Take care, Love K x

Hi Sami, Yes........I had a really good nights sleep.........got off okay and didn't wake until the kids were up........just knowing that I've got a half decent sleep is therapy in itself......just hope that I get at least another couple of good nights. I took an ibuprofen tab before I went to sleep......just in case and read some of my book. I'm reading Catherine Alliott - Rosie Meadows regrets. I like books wrtten by Jill Mansell, Chris Manby, Marian Keyes.....to name but a few! But I will keep my eye out for some of the Authors that you've mentioned......I've read some Jenny Colgan and she's very good. I've heard of Freya North.....but don't think that I've ever read any of hers.....but I will have a look on Amazon.com Having a mate over for a coffee this morning, so it will be nice to have a gossip. She always brings over very nice pastries...so I know what I'm having for brekkie! Glad that you're feeling so positive......it's good to get a few decent days under your belt and it all helps with your mood. Good luck with the accounts.......not my favourite job I'm afraid.....I've never been brilliant with maths, but always ended up doing a job where figures were involved. You're right about telling people your feelings......I think that I'm a bit more of a "huggy" person now....like you say, you might not get another chance. Anyway, must go and put the kettle on in anticipation of the huge size pastry coming through my door any minute!! Will speak to you later, Love K x

Hi Sami, I will have to pick up some Lavender drops....I use an Avon Lavender Sleeptherapy spray.....which is actually quite nice, but not as strong as the essential oils. If I don't drop off properly tonight, I think that I shall go mad! Anyway, I've just started a new book.....nothing heavy....just some good old chick lit....so I shall keep it beside me tonight....along with the paracetamol. Re: Snoring, I used to use the foam earplugs before I had the SAH.....but it seems to make the ringing in my ear worse and I find it quite uncomfortable. Most nights I end up on the settee (Which is actually quite comfy.....it's a big 4 seater.....I sleep better on that then I do in the bed) Eric did buy some aromatherapy "anti snoring" jars.....(Yeah, ha ha!)...no, they don't work, but I would imagine that the company that make them are coining in the money and laughing all the way to the bank........ I bet that you can guess where I would have loved to stuff those jars in the middle of the night!! I miss not having the cuddles with Lauren now she's got older...It's lovely having a hug.....but it doesn't happen quite so often now.....I just make the most of it when it does. Kids are a great tonic. (Well, most of the time!! ) Thank you for your very kind words..... not sure whether I am inspiring or amazing though!....but I've had the priviledge to meet some very lovely people since my SAH and it's helped me considerably with my own recovery.... I suppose that it still touches me, that in adversity, the human soul can still give so much. Anyway, must go................just about to watch Wife Swap on TV! Hope your evening is a good one, take care, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, I did post a reply to your last message.............but must have only previewed it and didn't hit submit!! I was obviously tired and it's been completely lost!! Oh well! I did have my rest, but couldn't get off to sleep......feeling overtired, so will be getting an early night. Anyway, will try again tomorrow....take care, Love K x

Hi Sami, Haven't visited "land of Nod" yet!!....but I would imagine that I will have to later on. Had a lovely bath.....couldn't face standing up in the shower! so feeling better. Just popped out to the supermarket for a few bits......and had my shower as I got out of the car...........the weather down here is awful......it's stormy and really heavy rain. It's the worse weather that I've driven in for years. The tabs that the Doc gave me for my dizziness, don't appear to work. I will give them another go when I next go out.....but a bit dissappointed that they don't seem to have any effect. I know that my dizziness is always made worse by lack of sleep, so I will have to try them once I've caught up and feeling brighter. I'm glad that they will be testing my thyroid ...... as it does make me wonder whether it's a bit under active...........my hair is also getting a lot thinner and quite a bit is still falling out..........I know that they say you can lose a bit at the coiling site.....but I wouldn't have thought that it would continue to come out. Perhaps I could sell my body to medical science? Why do all Husbands seem to have a snoring problem? When I was younger, I could never understand older couples having separate bedrooms......boy, I can now! It's a regular topic of conversation between me and my friends and all of their partners are just the same. Eric just doesn't snore........he also puffs or blows air like he's blowing up a balloon.........drives me nuts! Glad that you are sleeping better for swapping sides.....it's weird isn't, that it can make such a difference as to how you sleep. Anyway, must go and do some housework............On Mondays. my house always looks as though it's been ransacked after the weekend......glad to get everybody back to school and work. Eric is off to Gibraltar tomorrow for a few days........he's troubleshooting some problem on a marine engine....so it will just be me and the kids. Will speak to you later, Love K x

Hi Sami, Really glad that your weekend was a good one and long may it continue! My weekend was a good one, fairly quiet, but nice. I'm still lazing in bed ........ going through another spell of not being able to get off to sleep ...... it's like torture, last night it took me until at least 3 am....as by 2.30am I stopped looking at the clock, as I might have thrown something at it! Jumpy restless legs all night, topped up with a bit of cramp in my toes.... lovely!! I often wonder whether I've got too much brain activity going on, when I get like this, as even when I do get off to sleep, I keep waking up with a start. Anyway, going to go and have a shower ..... Speak to you later, if I'm not in the land of nod...... Love K x

Hi Keith, Thanks for telling us about your SAH and hope that you've been able to rest and catch up with your sleep. Resting up is definetly a key to recovery. I've had a few bad nights and today I'm paying for it......my dizziness is twice as bad as normal and I can't really settle to do anything. It's horrible having another scare though, especially so soon after coming home......I had one on Aug 25th, this year and had to go into hospital for a couple of days. I was eventually given a MRI, but they didn't find anything. It took me a couple of weeks to get over that one.....but the fatigue kicked back in with a vengeance. Did you suffer from a history of headaches or migraine before you had the SAH? Do you manage to do much during the day? Sami on the site also had her SAH about the same time as you and she's doing pretty well. I know that my energy levels were very slow in returning and even now at 14 months post SAH, I don't consider that they've returned to anywhere near normal. Everybody is very different at the rate that they recover and I suppose it depends also on how much damage the bleed has caused the brain. Anyway, must haul my bum off the sofa and go and do some work! Rest up and take it easy! Karen

Hiya, I forgot to ask....how did you find this site? As I've only been running the site for just under a couple of months, it's quite interesting to know how people have found us. Cheers, Karen x

Hi Keith, Welcome to behindthegray! Glad to hear that you're making a good recovery. Did you have any coiling or clipping? Your sleep pattern is the same as mine was..............also I had the odd couple of nights where I just couldn't go off to sleep and I would still be awake at 4.00am.............used to drive me insane! So I can see why you're on the computer so early!! I still go through periods now where my sleep isn't very good. I suppose you just get used to it, but I don't work now, so if things get that bad, then I can take forty winks during the day. I also find that propping myself up a bit more in bed, seems to reduce the pressure/headaches in my head.......I can't seem to lie my head flat anymore, as it's too uncomfortable. I also use one of those V shaped pillows.....it seems to help. Do you have family around to support you? Yes, daytime TV can be pretty boring, but I'm quite partial now to listening to Phil and Fern on This Morning!! If you get 5 mins, can you tell us a little bit more about yourself and your SAH experience?.....yes, I am nosey! Hope that your day is a good one...... Take care, Karen x

Hi Sami, Yes, you're right with your feelings about the anti-deps and side effects....I had so many side effects from the anti seizure drugs, which I'm led to believe have fairly similar effects on the brain....that I will try to avoid them.......but I will never say, never...... after waying up the pro's and con's...at the minute it's not the right time. I'm not joking.........but I wish that I had also bought a punch bag.. the amount of times in the past where I could have given something a good kicking in pure frustration are numerous.......personally, I think that if you have somewhere to put one....do it!!! I wish that I had I think that it would be pure therapy in itself, you need to be able to release your emotions. Yep, I still like my glass or two of wine...........it's the only thing that makes me relaxed.........I shouldn't, I know..........but what's worse for you, the wine or the "prescribed drugs"................none of it does you any good, we all know that. I still want to be able to live a life that I can enjoy......I would rather have quality than quantity, that's for sure. Hope that tonight goes well....is it a chick flick? Lauren has some friends over tonight...........in the summerhouse.....so just hope that they keep the noise down and don't give the neighbours any problems! Still, rather have them here, than wandering the streets.......it's only 7.20and it's nearly pitch black!! Not looking forward to the long dark nights! Anyway, must go and hope that your weekend is much better than the last couple...keep your chin up, you're doing really well! PS: Get Paul to go down to Argos and pick up that punch bag!!!! Love K x

Hi Sami, No, I've never taken anti-deps. My seizures were caused I'm presuming, because of the damage that was happening to my brain, during the bleed. I suppose that once you've had seizures, you're more prone to getting them again and developing epilepsy. Which is my biggest dread. I was also incontinent when I had them and I was mortified to find that out......To lose total control of your body is awful.......I really feel for anybody that has to live with epilepsy and they have my greatest admiration. If I felt that bad that I needed to take anti-deps....then there's no doubt that I probably would.......but I would have to feel that life wasn't worth living and I haven't reached that stage, thank goodness. There's just too much at stake. Yep, I always suffered from headaches and classic migraine pre SAH..since my teenage years. Before this SAH, I had a headache for at least 6 days...........if my memory serves me well! My warning bleed was completely different.......funny feeling in head and then bang! Anyway, must go and do some dinner.......but feeling so much better for seeing the Doc......hope that all is well with you..... Love K x

Hi Annie, I think that a lot of the good Docs over here, prefer you to take the counselling/physio route whenever possible. In my case, because I had seizures during my SAH, there's sort of a 2 year waiting period......where you could develop epilepsy. If I go down the road of taking anti-deps, there's a higher risk......because one of the side effects is seizures. So it's quite a risk for me to take them and I will battle on, as I don't really want to take something that cures one thing, but gives me something else to tackle. However, the Doc did say that if I felt so depressed that I needed chemical intervention, then they would obviously put that need first. The main reason I feel depressed, is because of the physical symptoms that I'm still plagued with.....so they're hoping to be able to tackle the problem with physio etc. I know that it's going to be a long haul and probably a very uncomfortable one. I don't know too much at all about anti-deps......but I think the Doc wasn't so much concerned that I had a SAH, but more about the side effects of possibly having a seizure, which would mean that I would lose my driving licence if I did. Just not willing to lose anymore of the little independence that I have. Love K x