Karen

Hi Sami, A little late getting on my computer today.....my daughter has got a temperature, sore throat etc.....just hope that I don't pick it up! Apparently, there's a lot going around at the minute, so trying to stay out of the same room.....don't I sound awful! When I pick up bugs now, they really seem to hit me hard.....it's bad enough putting up with the fatigue anyway, I just don't want anything else! So, just running in and out of the room making sure that she's okay. How are you today? Are you still okay to do the chat room tonight? If you're not up to it, no worries, as I'm not sure whether Andy P will be joining us, as he's been having some bad heads, so just hope all is well with him. Anyway, must go and check on Lauren.....hope that you're having a good day. Love K x

Hi Sami, Sometimes, I'm not quite sure how I've managed to get this far.....but somehow, you do......I think that having kids helps, even though they can often make you feel stressed out.....not sure what I would have been like without the motivation of carrying on for them. You do get up in the morning, you do put a meal on the table and make sure that they have a packed lunch, money for the bus fare to school, clean clothes etc.....it's probably the drudgery of the day to day stuff that helps to keep you going. It's also knowing that you need to achieve "normality" for them and you don't want them to be upset or see you like a wreck. I would be lying to say that I haven't struggled with things......that was the main reason for setting up this site, I didn't feel as though I could be the only one to feel like it and also keeping in touch with some lovely people from the website that was pulled.......I think that when you talk, you need to be honest about your feelings.....we've all put on a brave face, probably more times than we should have done, as we don't want to come across as being miserable or seeming as though we are full of self pity. I have fought hard to stay off anti deps, but think that I'm probably at the stage where I need some help.......it certainly doesn't help with having the physical stuff to deal with, as it's a constant reminder of the SAH. (However, I'm still not keen on taking pills......as had so many side effects from the anti seizure medication........I seem to swing backwards and forwards with these feelings.....should I or shouldn't I etc) I think that you will probably find that it will take you 3 months to start making real progress........physically and mentally.......sometimes it's hard when people say to you that you're "lucky", well even at this stage of recovery I don't always feel lucky, especially when I'm going through some really bad days.........I'll look forward to the day when I do!!!! That doesn't mean to say that I'm full of self pity, as I'm not at all, but I often feel like saying to them "walk a few miles in my shoes" then come back to me! It's been a real struggle and my life has changed dramatically and I just like to be honest.....but I think that with honesty you can still be positive. I'm still positive enough to think that I can turn things around and I'm willing to try anything if it helps! I am grateful that I've been given a second chance at life...............but no, I don't feel grateful for experiencing this..........nobody could convince me otherwise at the minute!! I think that most people post SAH seem to experience the feeling of returning with the same body, but the person inside has dissappeared. I suppose with the life/death experience, we are all bound to change and our life style priorities are different than they were before the SAH. Nobody can expect you to be happy and smiley all of the time.......that's one thing that I've learnt.......I wasn't always like that before the SAH.....so why should I feel different now? Anyway Sami, it's good to vent your true emotions......I think that being honest is good for you and is also a help to other people experiencing the same......I'm certainly not a "Saint" and have never professed to be. I like to think that I'm a "half glass full" person and not "half empty"........still positive, but realistic......I can still laugh......but I'm also allowed to have the odd moan and groan or a good cry if I need to! Anyway, this is turning into an essay!......you do start to learn to live with the new you.......but yes, you're allowed to feel fed up and frustrated sometimes, nobody should expect you to be "Super Woman/Man".........but, if you really start to struggle with your emotions, then you must go and have a chat with your GP. Any time you want to chat...........moan or groan...........you know where we are! Take good care of yourself, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, Sorry to hear that you've had a bad weekend..........the "funny turns" are horrible......I still get them and have had a couple when I was out today. I still can't get used to having funny sensations in my head and the feeling of being out of control. It's the main thing that makes me feel really fed up......so you have my sympathy. I shall be tackling the Doc about it on Friday, as I need something to dull this feeling. There's no way that I'm ever going to be comfortable with feeling as though I could pass out!! Just hope that you will feel better in the next couple of days and that you will feel brighter. Speak to you soon, K x

Hi Sami, Just hope that you've had a better weekend than last week. How did the wedding go? Just hope you're okay...... K x

Hi Annie, I hope that you are keeping well.............haven't heard from you in a little while, so thought that I would post you. Just hope that all is well? As long as you are okay, that's fine.....but miss you on the board.....and start to become a little worried when you don't pop in! Love Karen x

Hi Lori, How are things with you today? Like Andy said, just hope that you are surrounded by family and good friends. My thoughts are with you and just remember, anytime that you want to talk, we are all here for you. Love Karen x

Hi Andy/Sami, The Brain Help site is very good, a lot of info and lots of links. Walter who runs it, seems very nice and very helpful, but yep, it's certainly a good site to visit. The more help anybody can get the better. Waiting to hear from Julie at the Different Strokes website, to see if they will also link with us. Again, it's a great site. Julie is a voluntary worker with Different Strokes and she is also a survivor of SAH. Anyway, hope all is well, K x

Hi Lori, I'm so very sorry to hear about the sad loss of your Husband. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling and how difficult a time it must be for you. I'm a survivor of a SAH and I know how lucky I am to have been given another chance at life, but I also know that many others don't get that chance. I wish I could answer your question as to why this happened to your Husband. I just hope that anybody else reading your posting, that has also experienced bereavement will be willing to share their own experience with you. Sorry, that I'm probably not much help to you......but there's always a friendly ear here....that's if you want to talk. Love Karen x

Hi Andy, Glad that your Mum is doing okay. Will also look forward to Tuesday......you will have to keep reminding me.......as I can be such a "wooden top"! Hopefully, you will get a nice icon when we chat again......I don't want the sad one either! Yep, I bet you never had so many helpful volunteers to carry sandbags....I don't know, men honestly.......like kids in a sweet shop! Hope that you have a good weekend, K x

Hi Sami, Yep, just click on the chat room and enter your name, so we know it's you and hopefully all will be okay. Have only used the chat room once with Andy P, so just hope it works okay! (It's all a bit experiemental at the mo!) Have a great evening and have a good dance..............great for the spirit! Just don't get out of bed too early tomorrow! Take care, K x

Hiya, Tuesday will be good for me too, so if we say about 7.30pm......Andy P- is that okay with you? Perhaps, Andy can remind us both......as one thing that has definetly suffered is my short term memory! Will write it down on the calendar later Andy Howland - if you're about, then come and join us? Just started cooking...so very organised tonight, which makes a pleasant change! Sami - Hope tonight is a good one......don't overdo things though...........and you're doing really well! Have a boogie (God, I sound so old!) for me.............aah! wish I was coming!!! Speak soon, K x

Hi Sami/Andy, Just finished dyeing my hair......it looks a lot better and the grey has been banished for a few weeks at least!.....but it's got a lot thinner since the coiling.....but at least I can take the paper bag off my head now!! I used to use Sun In just to add some more highlights, but haven't used it in a while......but might pick some up, just to lift the fringe. Andy - So sorry to hear about your Mum's loss. Thought that you might have been taking the day off yesterday. £60 p/h for counselling.....I definetly chose the wrong profession to be in when I was working.......blimey, you would need even more therapy after coming to terms with paying the bill!! But, I suppose if it helps to get you sorted out and if you can afford to pay, then it's worth it. Doing the chat room at 7pm is fine with me....... I can do Sunday or next Tuesday....as these are quieter nights for me and there won't be anybody hogging the laptop. Re: depression - will definetly ask the Doc next week, if he can may be prescribe something very low dose........don't really want to take anything with a mountain of side effects......you cure one thing and gain a whole host of other problems........don't think that I have the energy to keep struggling with everything at this stage. Well, we'll see what he says. I don't really need any counselling, as I've come to terms with what has happened to me and feel okay about it. It's just the anxiety/stress caused by the dizziness/eyesight that affects my balance that's my main problem. I need to feel calmer about not being in total control of my body any more, especially when I'm out in public. The only time I feel calm, is after having a glass of wine............then I don't care quite so much! Anyway, I always try to remain hopeful that there's something that can help me! Must go........speak to you both soon, K x

Hi Sami, Enjoy your pain au chocolat and coffee break! I used to absolutely love my filter coffee.....but can't drink it now, as it gives me a booming headache.............so have to drink yukky de-caff! It's just not the same! Glad that you're feeling on tops of things.....so enjoy! Like I say, no two hours out of the day are the same for quite a while whilst you recover......but you do sort of get used to the "ups" and "downs", it's just learning to re-adjust to what your body tells you to do. Not heard anything from Andy P.......I had a private message from Andy H though today......he's busy looking after Heather and hasn't had much time to spend on the board. Going to dye my hair now...........I should have done it weeks ago, but didn't feel up to it.................but it's going so grey......must be all the worry of the last year etc!! Anyway, hopefully I shall feel better when I look in the mirror later!! Speak to you later, K x

Hi Sami, Glad that you had a good evening last night! Waking up with headaches each day isn't fun is it? I still have quite a few days where I can wake up with them and I think this drags your mood down to start with. I always make sure that I take a painkiller before I get out a bed and rest up for another half an hour, if it's a bit of a boomer! Your headaches should hopefully start to ease.....but I was always plagued with the waking up ones. I can't seem to lie completely flat anymore and find that if I prop myself up with pillows I don't wake up with the pressure feeling in my head. The best thing my Hubbie ever bought me, was one of those V shaped pillows, they're so comfy and you can kind of mould them around you and they will support you well. Re: depression - I think that tiredness/overdoing things is linked to the depression side of a SAH. If you're out tonight, don't overdo it and if you start to feel tired, then go home and go to sleep. Don't feel that you'll be letting anybody down by having to go early. I was very sensitive to noise after the SAH and even though I used to love a disco, I just couldn't stay in the same room. Physically, it made me feel ill and mentally, I found that I couldn't think. I just knew that I had to get away from the noise. Try not to associate tomorrow with your feelings of last Saturday.....as it might make you feel anxious and that in itself will cause you to feel stress. There's no real reason why tomorrow isn't going to be a good day for you........just try to find a balanced combination of rest and play......keep on top of the tiredness and hopefully you won't feel so down. Anyway, I must get myself up and showered................I'm having yet another lie in, as didn't sleep too well again last night......and like yourself I have woken up with a headache! Speak to you later, Love K x

Hi Sami, You are doing so well...............a lot better than me and I'm way in front of you! So, just remember that!! If you have a bad day......just write it off! Hope that your bedtime is better this evening.....nothing wrong in a bit of chick lit.......but Stephen King.....even though I love his books.....probably not such a good idea!! Take good care of yourself and sweet dreams! K x

Hi Sami, thanks for the pics....the ducks are sooo sweet! Glad you're feeling a bit more upbeat......no two hours out of the day are the same some days........sometimes a walk is good, even though making the effort can seem hard. It's been a really warm and humid day down here......but now it's looking really stormy and it's windy. So, wondering if we are going to get the bad weather forecasted. Just finished cleaning the house.............jobs that used to take me a couple of hours, now seem to take forever.....but at least it's done! Looking forward to my glass of wine later.......it's the only thing that makes me feel relaxed now! Anyway, speak soon, K x

Just a quickie! I forgot to say, that after the DVLA said that I could drive again, we also had to let our motor insurance company know that I'd had the SAH......the premium remained the same, so that was okay, it just had to be put on the records etc. K x

Hi Sami and Andy, We must have been all posting at the same time! I'm skiving and still haven't finished the cleaning......so I'm shutting this down in a sec!!! Good news Sami, about your driving licence......I lost mine for 3 months, but didn't feel able to drive until 4 months. Still it's such a good feeling just to know that you can! Love the idea of having ducks in the back garden......I'm sure the dog and cat would also, but not for the same reasons! Do you have a digi camera to take any pics of them, as would love to see them! Andy, are you taking a day off? Hopefully, your not ill.....so hope your day is good. Take it easy, K x

Hi Sami, Sorry you're feeling a bit down today. I never went to a support group, as couldn't face the car journey, especially in the evenings when I felt just too tired to do anything. If the group had been closer to home, then I would have, but probably not until I'd reached the 3 month recovery stage. After my SAH, I didn't really want to talk about my experience much, I wasn't in denial of it, I just wanted to get my life back to normal and felt lucky to be alive. It was only at the 6 month stage that I realised my recovery wasn't going to be as fast as I first thought, so I joined an online support group, run by Salford and Southampton Neuro. It helped me a lot, just listening to other peoples experiences.....at least I wasn't going nuts......other people were experiencing the same or worse. At this stage I also realised that I wouldn't be able to return to work. Things started to hit home and I had to face reality, that I was looking at a recovery period of 18 - 24 months. Not a good time for me and I really didn't think that I would get beyond the 12 months with my sanity intact....but time started to go faster and I gradually accepted my limitations, as the more I fought them, the more frustrated and angrier I would become. I would have days where I just cried, not in self pity, but pure frustration. The family got used to me taking myself off to the bedroom and bawling my eyes out. I used to feel much better for releasing my feelings. These feelings have got less and less with the passage of time. I still have the odd day when I get like it now. I know that Andy P found a support group very helpful to his recovery, but I can understand why you're a bit apprehensive. I suppose that you could give it a try, if you're not comfortable with things or don't feel up to it, you can walk away and return when the time is right. When are you going? Sleeping and rest is definetly a key player, if you are over doing things then you will notice that it does tire you easily and your mood will lower. It seems to be the brains way of making you slow down and rest up. May be, you will have to do things in what I call "bite size" pieces for a bit and then gradually increase once your stamina has improved. It's quite normal to feel like this after the SAH, so don't be hard on yourself if you have to give into it. You are right in what you say about sleeping and going to bed without worries. It definetly does help your mood in the morning. Most nights I tend to read before going to bed, something light hearted or funny. One of my favourite books was from the series "grumpy old woman".....it was good to be able to laugh before I shut my eyes and it really helped my mood the next day. Sounds ridiculous I know! What about meditation CD's or something soothing that you could listen to? Anyway, must go and hope you're feeling a little better. Love Karen x

Hi to all, Thought that I ought to start a new discussion, as Karen's Update is getting a bit big! Well, I'm not sure how my day is going to go, as I had an awful nights sleep and kept waking up every hour or so, wide awake......also hungry! So goodness knows what was going on. Will probably have to take a nap later. Anyway, will look in later on and see how you guys are doing. Take care and hope the day is a good one, Karen x

Hi Andy, Many thanks for your article, it's great! (Hope you don't run out of ideas!) I'm not doing too badly today, a bit better than yesterday, but still tired. Get fed up with the fatigue and the blips after 14 months. Still, my mood has picked up, which is the main thing that I'm always grateful for. Have been doing a little bit of sewing tonight.....making Christmas Decs.....Yes.....I know it's only September! Be prepared is my motto! I love Christmas! How's life with you? All is very quiet here and not much news at the minute. I've been getting a few offers of links with this site, which is encouraging. Could just do with a few more people posting etc.....but hopefully we will get there! Gerry from the Val Hennessy Trust e-mailed me the story of the trusts origins, so hope to write an article about its background, if he gives me permission. He also mentioned that Alison Wertheimer used his drop in centre for some of her book interviews. Small world isn't it. Anyway, another early night tonight for me.......so will speak soon, Karen x

Hi Sami, Well, I think that you are doing brilliantly! There's no way that I was able to manage shopping at you stage and still can't most days!.......so you are recovering remarkably! Yep, it's brilliant to have some good friends....like you I'm blessed with a couple and it really does help to lift you. Did you suffer from migraine heads before your SAH?...I did and lots of people that I've spoken to also used to get migraines. They reckon there's no connection, but it makes me wonder. What a pretty name your daughter has......she sounds as though she coped brilliantly.......kids certainly make you keep going! Two ducks now, as well to look after.....do you live in the country? I love Cornwall, we had a holiday there just before I was ill, such a beautiful place. After a SAH, you certainly do take time to listen to the birds and smell the flowers etc.....makes you appreciate lifes small things a whole lot more! Glad that you've had a good day. I'm feeling a bit better now also, which is good. Enjoy your reading! Take care, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, Glad to hear that things aren't too bad with you today! Just finished some ironing (which is a bonus, as didn't think I was even going to get that done today!) eaten some lunch and now taking a rest. Just waiting for the shopping to be delivered.......thank God for the internet! Yes, I think that I can feel where I have the coils......some sort of sensation anyway....not all of the time, but it's where I can feel like a heartbeat or pulsing movement. It's a strange feeling....I had my coiling on my posterior communicating artery, so I get the feeling on the right hand side, back of my head. I've also asked the question about this, but so far haven't had it answered. Not sure if anybody else reading this message will be able to answer this for us?? I live down south near Poole, in Dorset and the weather is beginning to look a little dodgy.......apparently we might get the tail end of a hurricane over the next couple of days, but it's definetly starting to get a bit windy. Might see if I can get out in the garden and put a few things away later....jut in case! Anyway, feeling better than I did first things, which is a bonus! I forgot to ask you, how's your little girl dealing with everything? I had a warning bleed when my daughter Lauren was probably just a bit older than your's. I know that this time around, it affected Lauren badly, but she has got used to her Mum not being able to do quite as much as she used to. It's made her a lot more independent, but that's not a bad thing. I still feel as though I have a fair way to go with my recovery and could just do with a couple of good months, to give me a much needed boost. Speak to you soon, Karen x

Hiya, Well I'm going to have a quiet day today...still in my pj's and still feeling tired and headachey. It's nice to know that I haven't got anything planned, so I don't have to do anything unless I feel up to it! Just over a week now until I see the Doc.....but these spells of heavy heads and tiredness just drive me nuts! Definetly going to speak to him about anti-depressants, as the longer this goes on, the worse it is to snap out of the gloom. Hopefully, I will feel a little more upbeat later on. See you later, Love Karen x

Hi Sami, I'm having a tired day.........should really start taking my own advice re: resting up!.......have done too much in the last few days and my body is paying for it today. I liken it to somebody flicking a switch in my head and turning me off! There's never too much warning when the fatigue decides to kick in again. I still can't believe that 14 months on, I can still get so tired, it feels never ending. Had a good mate over for coffee this morning.....it was great to see her and catch up with the news......but she went on early, as in the end I couldn't even hold a conversation. Anyway, just had a 2 hour nap! Try not to worry too much about having a seizure.......like you, I've constantly worried about having one, especially after coming off the seizure drugs. I'm calmer about this now, but worrying about seizures also caused me to have anxiety attacks and I was put on to Beta Blockers. Try your best to divert your mind from thinking about them. I know its hard......but don't end up like me!! No, there's nothing wrong with doing the normal stuff.....such as hair, make-up....... I think that if you look a mess (like I do at the minute after napping with hair sticking up etc and panda eyes!) it doesn't make you feel good. So, if I'm up to it, I always try to "put a face on" etc.....it's good for the spirit! Good also to hear that you're making plans to get out and about, which is great. You're doing really well! Anyway, still so tired, (lying down on sofa with my laptop) It's going to be beans on toast tonight for dinner or any other toast combination. Will look in again this evening, Take care, Love Karen x