Bill B

Ahhh,...... metaphor, metaphor, This is a good one! Dancing with your past? Nw42 sums it up very succinctly, "as long as there is a light on , I'll be there". This was my life , in a nutshell, first in, last out and, as far as I can remember, quite popular with the, unthinking mass of social drinkers. I would "perform" on a regular basis, both onstage, and leaning at the bar. Pontificate, argue, educate, or just deconstruct, random strangers ideas, as a form of entertainment. Pricking the bubble of certainty was my hobby. I would love to walk into a bar , where no one knew me, and perform my "set piece" tricks, involving maths and suggestion, Then disappear, like some mystic guru , before anyone worked out the scam. (I have always, had this feeling, that you are much more powerful, if you are not there) Having failed as a rock star, this was the next best thing, and over the years it became a way of life. Smart bothered tricks, designed to curry favour and acceptance from strangers. All very pathetic, in the light of the new perception, granted me by SAH. All that rubbish has gone now. The seeking of approval and need for validation is just a distant memory. It's not so much as a dance with my past, as a side step, and re-evaluation of what is really important. It's hard to become silent, but that is what , I now seek. Party- animal, subdued by circumstance, and much the wiser for it. Dancing with my past? I'll sit this one out! Bill B.

Hi Dawn. I have not experienced the effect you have described, but have, on many occasions felt that I must just stop, and rest. I would not describe it as a wall, more of a gradual slowing of responses. Someone (sorry, I can't remember who) described it as, wading through treacle. This is more the effect that I experience. I seem to be OK in most of my working hours, but at lunch-time or at the end of the day, I have been known to "drift-off" and become a bit remote. My work colleges call it "petite -mal" , and call me back to the moment with phrases like, "Bill,.... Bill,..... BILL...... you were gone for minute then, weren't you?" Don't worry Dawn, I think it's all normal, in the vast spectrum of our individual recoveries. I think you already have the answer. Sleep, when your brain switches off. In my experience, you can't fight the fatigue, so roll with it, and make the most of the alert time. I, too , love puzzles and quizzes and have become used to coming up with answers out of sync with everyone else. Like some demented Ronnie Barker sketch, the solution will pop into my head minutes after the question was asked. I suppose it took that long to wade through the treacle, to the place in my memory, that the answer was hiding. I know, that lots of people on this site struggle for familiar words or names. It may, or may not get better, depending on the damage caused by your event. What will definitely get better, are your coping strategies. When you sense your wall, beginning to form, rest and recover. It will become like second nature, over time, and cease to trouble you, with a bit a bit of luck. When I arrive home, after work, I have thirty minutes, or so, of , what I call , "violent- sleep". Sleep, so deep that I am difficult to arouse. This is, actually, my favorite part of the day. When I wake up, I feel great, refreshed and ready for life. Without this sleep, I am useless and lethargic, for the whole night. It's my coping strategy. I hope some of this helps. All the best Dawn. Bill B.

Hi all. We have all had some kind of life, all of us survivors. This poor girl had not much. It's not fair and it's not right. I don't know what else to say. It puts all our problems into perspective. We are still here, she is not. Very humbling, and just be grateful for what you have had, and whatever problems you have to defeat in the future. Lost potential, is the greatest loss. Very sad. Bill B.

Hi Bay. The symptoms you describe may not be related in any way to your SAH. I echo the advice all ready mentioned by Penny and Karen, take some advice, and have some tests, ASAP. The pressure on the chest was one of the symptoms that I had in the immediate months before my SAH. I was having tests and being checked for angina right up to the week of my SAH. After my coiling,the neuro- consultant said that the chest pressure and arm and hand spasms, that I experienced, could have been caused by the aneurysm "bulging" and pressing against the local nerves in the rear- posterior area. You should definitely mention all your concerns immediately to your doctors. Don't delay. I did , and the SAH came as a complete shock, when I thought I was a "heart case". Like Penny says, I don't want to be a scaremonger, but your post has sent a chill down my spine, it is all too familiar. Tell the heart doctors about your SAH, tell them about my symptoms, and how they were misread. The chest pains and arm and hand spasms have gone now, since my SAH , so I think my neuro-surgeon may have been correct. My ECG results were normal, which led to the doctors informing me that I was imagining it all. The final diagnosis was, that I needed a new pair of glasses. In hindsight, it's all so obvious, but at the time, it was a mystery. Get yourself in, and get checked out ASAP. Good luck. All the best. Bill B.

Hi Kris. Emotional over sensitivity is a definite by product of SAH. Pre- SAH I was immune to sentimental stimulus, but now, I become tearful at the most cheesy , obvious , tear -jerking advert or film. This is a good thing! It makes me stronger in my job and a much more affable person in my every-day life. I really like being in contact with my emotional self, it makes me feel more genuine , as a human being , if that makes any sense. Re -evaluating what is important to yourself is one of the positive things that follow SAH. I think that when you return to composing, you will do so with a new insight, that will eclipse your previous attempts. When I started writing music again, following my SAH, the ideas just flooded out, and, for almost a year , new tunes came every week. The sum- total was, 48 tracks of completed songs , that have taken 5 years to edit , and turn into albums. We are still working on the editing. We posted loads of (work -in -progress) stuff on the internet ( www. myspace.com/aethertrip). The real beauty of this terrible event, is the profound insight that emerges from the carnage. I love cellos, and use synthesizers to produce the sound, but real cellos are best! I teach poetry and creative writing for a living, so I would love to read your poetry. Poetry is the distillation of the written word, that allows the inner ,reflective , self, an outlet of emotion. Maybe, we should have a poetry section somewhere on this site. I bet most of our members have one, or more, profound examples of inner -turmoil, that needs to be read. "Until all the wrongs have been addressed, And folk, will say, this, is the best, I just can't wait, I start today, Iv'e just got to work out, What to say?" Keep creating! All the best. Bill B.

Hi Mary B. Ditto the fridge, and also the washing- machine and PC fan. My tinnitus takes the form of the after- ring of some gigantic bell and when some machine adds its volume to the existing noise it becomes a real irritation. I would love experience silence again, but I suppose I never will. The up-side is, that, in my work with noisy teenagers, I have developed the ability to filter out all irrelevant sound. Some of my support workers ask me, why don't I act when students swear or threaten each other. The reason is, I just didn't hear them. I was focused on something else and my brain just ignored the outrage. This is not always a good thing. On two separate occasions I have failed to respond to a fire- alarm and have been shaken into action by support workers, who are incredulous about my lack of response. I try to explain that, the sound just did not register,but they don't seem to understand or believe me. They think I'm a bit eccentric, but I can live with that. If I had scars or some other physical demonstration of my condition, they would accept my behavior without question. I know, that a lot of people on this site have had similar experiences. The workplace just doesn't seem to acknowledge SAH, and yet it is fully responsive to heart attack. I suppose that is the consequence of being such a small percentage of the population. Even my name sounds loud in my head! All the best. Bill B.............................Ad infinitum...................

Hi Kris. Welcome to this family of survivors. Vertigo and "sea sickness", two very familiar sensations in my life. Also, not being able to look at people in checked shirts or stand on highly pattered carpets without the visual disturbances causing nausea. I too , have reduced sense of taste and smell, and tend to eat highly flavoured foods now. Over the last few years, I have come to realize that one of the biggest problems that invades my working life is body language. Third nerve palsy, double vision and poor balance lead me to adopt a peculiar body stance, that could be misread as ignorance. I tend to look at the floor when people talk to me, not out of disrespect, but because it is much more comfortable than coping with the dual image. The normal distance (two feet) that is usual in conversation, is too close for me, so I back off, which is sometimes interpreted as coldness. All my colleagues, at work, are aware of these traits now, so it is not a problem, until someone new arrives, then I have to explain all over again. I have never had perfect pitch, but have been a musician for all my adult life, and definitely "feel" music much more than just hear it, post SAH. I am seven years into recovery and have come accept all the changes in my life, as you will, given time. You seem to have a great handle on it all, already! As for Autism, I think I was Autistic before my SAH, collecting comics, medals, coins, WW1+ WW11 memorabilia, newspapers and vinyl records. Post SAH, I collect nothing, and live in the moment as much as I can. Your experience sounds similar to mine, if it's not in front of me, it's behind, and of no relevance. If you can learn to revel in your quirkiness, and people accept you in your altered state, you will be fine. Keep posting Kris, we all understand the process. All the best. Bill B.

First of all, I don't miss being a manager in a factory, full of whining, lazy, jobsworth individuals who consumed all my time with petty personal grievances. Secondly, and, in response to Goldfish Girl's comment, I don't miss aggressive driving. I am now that driver, who annoys every other driver, with my "Zen" approach to driving. I am the bald, middle aged, Volvo- estate, driver who slows all the traffic up with my ridiculously safe, slow maneuvers. Thirdly, I don't miss being competitive at all. I have found, over the last seven years , that by just remaining silent, and assessing things before acting, I have progressed more, and acquired more power and status than I ever did with aggressive actions. What good can come from a SAH? Is it all bad? Not in my experience. There is a wisdom, that you may, or may not take advantage of, that comes with this terrible event that we all have experienced. Personally, I am much more comfortable with the "new" me, and my life now, post SAH, is better, than it was before. Not physically, but generally, much more serene and mature. I wish it had never happened, but it did, and I am reconciled to the new world that I now, live in. We are an amazing species, we adapt and change , to suit our circumstance. The ultimate adapters.....Homo- Superior! Insight is everything. (Play the Strauss tune from "2001, A Space Odyssey")............... All the best. Bill B.

Hi Dawn. Welcome to the exclusive, surviving members, of the SAH/NASAH/STROKE club. I think a lot of people float around the edges of this site before they join. I certainly did, for ages. I am so glad I came in from the cold. I was so isolated, and thought I was the only person on Earth who had the feelings and fears that nearly destroyed me. This site changed all that. So much, unconditional support and friendship, from people whom I have never met (I have since) helped me rationalize my condition and helped to teach me how to climb out of the pit of despair. For me, the private messaging service has been invaluable. This is my experience. When you sense a connection, for any reason, contact that member and open your soul, lay out your fears and just ask for help. Something you would not do in physical life. The remoteness of the connection seems to help. You can be much more honest and the rewards, in my case, have been life changing. I am OK now, thanks to this site, and the wonderful people on it. Hello Dawn,...... it's a new day! (sorry, couldn't resist) Keep posting All the best. Bill B. X

Hi Mary. Don't worry about the site, you are already posting in the right place. More great analogies....Etch- a -sketch, all messed up! A switch board operator, lost in confusion. I really liked your post, for all the anger and venom contained within. You are right, in your "glass half- full" attitude, and right to castigate the moaning, blessed with good health, ingrates, that inhabit the sacred place , that is..... work. Helping others and following a true path is what is important. No, new initiative, or work -based directive, will, ever again, change your outlook on life. We are here for such a short time, we are all in the same sand-pit, let's play nicely. Keep posting Mary, I love your spirit. All the best, Bill B.

Hi Carl, Great analogy! Although I struggle with computers. I think,that thinking about life, in terms of analogy, helps to clarify reality. The one I came up with is ...... All we ever experience , or think , or remember, or dream, is lined up upon shelves, in some kind of linear order. All we are, is the sum total of all our memories. When the shelves come down, all that is remembered, is scrambled and shuffled in the carnage of the event. The new connections, that re-establish post SAH, offer an insight to reality that is beyond conventional teaching. If (and , it's a big if) you choose to embrace the insight gained from a near death experience, the world , and all that is in it, becomes much more simple than before. For example...... I (pre- SAH) was fearful of many things. Crowds, people standing behind me, mugging, late night buses, public aggression etc etc. Post SAH, all the concerns are still there, but the difference is, all the fear has gone. I am already beyond my, sell- by, date, so all that is to come, is a bonus. This helps me in my teaching job. No matter the extent of bad behavior in my class, behavior, that drives younger colleges into taking leave for stress, I feel no stress. Nothing that can be said, or done can ever be as painful, or disorientating as the headache and that announced the SAH. All human savagery, in- humanity and down- right rudeness, is water off a duck's back. I have experienced, and survived, the worst pain imaginable, so nothing, that you would encounter in normal life, will ever trouble me again. Your computer analogy leaves me breathless. I guess I'm just not digital yet. I will stick to my shelves. It reminds me of being in a library, (my favorite place) surrounded by books, and knowledge. I know the internet is a massive library, but it's not the same. Keep going with the grain. All the best, Bill B. ,

Hi Simplesan. Yes it is hard, and the residual fatigue that is the legacy of SAH is invisible to all, but to people ,who have experienced it. First of all, 40+ hours is far too much. The mental strength and concentration involved is sapping all your available resource. So, what do you do? You need the money, so you must work? Well, here's what I did. I re-negotiated every cost- based contract that I was involved in. I changed my home insurance,car insurance, tv package,internet package,pet insurance,mortgage, and stopped all the leakage of money that just accumulates over a lifetime. The net result was, cutting my expenditure in half. This allowed me to reduce my hours to three, six hour, days, which is what I can cope with. I know that I will never have the energy for full- time work, so I cut my cloth accordingly. My leisure time is essential to me, and all my strength comes from my recharged batteries, fueled by my down time The road you are on is familiar to me, depression and despair.I fueled it all with alcohol, and plumbed the depths of despair, before taking charge of my life and making a plan to change things. Mr Pickwick said, 20 shillings income- 19 shillings outgoings = happiness, but , 20 shillings income- 21 schillings outgoings = misery. Non of us would work , if we didn't have too. So the trick is , balancing income with outgoings and leaving enough time for your leisure and recharging. Be ruthless with your providers, they will all cave -in when you tell them you are leaving them. I hope this helps, It worked for me. All the best. Bill B.

Hi Carl, and welcome to BTG. Your going to need that sense of humour, because life will be pretty funny (perculiar) for a while. It seems like your experience is similar to mine. Emotional overload, loss of obvious words and deep, inner rage, that is best dealt with, by silence. Don't worry, it all falls into place after a few years. A new Carl will emerge, slightly different from the old, but a little bit wiser. When all your coping mechanisms are entrenched and things have established a new equilibrium, you will be, The NEW Carl, Carl the survivor, and folk will say, " forgive his peccadilloes....., he had a stroke" and forever more, you can ride the wave of outrageous honesty that only a ,near- death experience, can give you. Everyone on this site knows your feelings, to some extent or another, so feel free to express or Pontificate to your hearts desire. We're just glad you found us! Together, we are strong! All the best, Bill B.

Hi Ann. The first year is a hurdle that will quickly fade into history. Arbitrary anniversaries are of no significance. You mention Carlos Castenada, social anthropologist and Psychic explorer. You must be a fellow hippy- survivor, or dark -art investigator to have come across him. I have a fascination of shamanic disciplines and the manipulative power of "witchcraft" and suggestion, that Carlos explored so well in "Journey to Ixtlan" and "A separate reality" The teachings of Don- Juan have been a bedrock of my whole adult life. I have sought, all my adult life, to become a "Man of Knowledge" and right up until my SAH I was on track. The true test of power came in the recovery process. One day, you are physically powerful and financially secure, then ....BANG ... everything has gone. The true test of power is how you adapt to, the new circumstance, that presents. It could all fall apart,.....or.... you could put into motion the, previously hypothetical, thought processes that lead to positive outcomes. Castenada's books have been both lauded and lambasted, but the there are so many universal truths contained within, that they cannot be ignored. The defeat of fear is the single most important battle that all of us have to face. Your anniversary is just another fear to defeat. Don- Juan said "Once you begin running, you will run all your life". I used to manage a factory, now I teach people with learning difficulties and occasionally teach lessons in mind control, to higher level students.. I have a new life, post SAH, and all the previous accumulated experience has led me to my current position.The path I am on, now, is a path with true heart. It's a new kind of power, routed in knowledge and experience of hallucinogenic, alternative reality. You are right to say the work is the same, positive or negative, it's just a case of how you perceive yourself. I choose to be powerful, and not a victim of this awful event, and that is whole point. It's a choice. It took five years to climb out of the hole of despair, but the knowledge acquired from Castenada, Bertrand Russell, Von- Durkheim and Desmond Morris Has led me to my current position of power within academia. Knowledge, is power. Self belief is a condition that ,either will, or will not , evolve in anyone's individual psyche. The previous life has gone. The battle for reconstruction is fraught with many obstacles, but the true test of anyone's character , is how the new reality is applied to the future world that we all find ourselves living in. Fear, Clarity, Power and old age , the true tests of "A man of knowledge" . Carlos was right, you are what you make yourself! All the best. Bill B.

Hi Rachel. Belated welcome to BTG. First of all, well done for making it back to work. The altered reality, that is your life now, is an incomprehensible state for all your work colleges. The noise sensitivity, whooshing noise and strange " new girl" feelings are par for the course. I have had numerous conversations with GP, consultants and neuro- nurses over the last seven years and not one has come up with an explanation for most of my residual symptoms. All I am told is that the iron in the blood may have short- circuited the connections and synapses leading to an altered perception of external stimuli. Pressure on the nerves (from stabilized aneurysms) in the rear section of the brain may be responsible for the whooshing noise and is certainly the cause of double vision and lack of balance. The environment that you are working in is probably the most difficult place for a SAH sufferer to endure. So much noise and distraction and relentless workload, must be exhausting. Maybe , sometime in the future, you could consider a change of career. I have a theory, and I may be wrong, but it seems to me that people who have "left side brain" jobs suffer the most with rehabilitation. Anyone who works in the arts or "right side brain" jobs fare much better. My theory says that, attention to detail and linear thought, related , processes are severely affected by SAH, whilst artistic, emotional and empathetic areas are, actually improved. Obviously this does not apply to everyone, as we are all different, but generally I think this is the way of things. I keep banging on about the clarity that my SAH gave me, and I apologize to anyone, formally artistic, who had an adverse outcome from their event. I set out to change my life completely, when it dawned on me that I could no longer run a factory department (left-side), so trained as a music and art teacher (right-side) leading to the fantastic job that I now have. I know you need to have certain skills in place before you attempt this kind of change, but there are loads of jobs in the caring professions and counselling professions, that the insights you have gained from your event, will benefit from. I am not, Billy-Queen- of Jobs, or anything, I only know what worked for me, and if it helps anyone, in any way, to think about these changes, I hope this helps. One thing I know for sure, nothing is the same, post event. Attempting to re-establish the former equilibrium is traumatic. I found it easier to go with the flow of my new self and embrace the changes in my psyche. Crazy as it may sound, I actually like myself more, now, than I did before. I hated being a factory manager, I love being a teacher. The SAH gave me all of this. Anything is possible! I hope it all works out for you, like it did for me. All the best. Bill B. ,

Hi Sandi, Your post has struck a chord with me. I have always carried anger within me, political, social, behavioral, and just down- right disappointment with the intolerance that manifests itself within mankind's crippled journey upon this planet. As a younger man I vented the pressure by performing in a punk band and delivering stand -up political vitriol at hapless audiences. Since my SAH I have been blessed with a clarity of purpose that has given me a strength that I could not have imagined all those years ago. I have a constant inner dialogue playing in my mind whenever I find myself in conversation with people of less than genuine purpose. It goes something like this...."I have no interest in your self-serving whine..... talk about something positive or just shut- up... don't tell me what you can't do , tell me what you can do......if it's all so bad, why don't you leave"?.... etc,etc. Heads are rolling at my college now, and I am proud to say that my input into the demise of so many useless managers has been significant. I currently, have no effective manager and am free to do, what I do supremely well, that is to teach. My anger has paid off. My protestations have been heard by the people at the very top. My fellow, right thinking, colleagues and I have been entrusted with all the power within our department and we feel truly liberated by this. The point of telling you all this is, that without the SAH and associated clarity, none of this would have come about. I would have lived my life in silent rage, assuming that I could not change the status- quo. There is a power that comes from near death experience, felt by all that come into contact with you. My sense of purpose and lack of tolerance for selfish behavior transcends all political correctness because of my unique perspective. I use this insight mercilessly at work, exposing the limp excuses of time serving, "Peter Principle" parasites that have no care for the damaged individuals that we teach. So you see Sandi, I too, have no time for the dance, in fact ,I don't know how much time I have at all. I am not going to waste a second of what is left, in meaningless posturing. I needed to say all that! It makes me slightly less angry to get it off my chest. All the best. Bill B

Hi Rachel, your bleed may not have had a specific source(according to the medics) but it was a bleed , non the less, and the residue is the same for all of us. It seems to be typical of Non Aneurysm SAH's that no urgency or due concern, is applied by the professionals. In a way ,those of us that have had burst aneurysms are lucky, because we have a definite cause for our event. We are repaired, fixed and propelled back into society with a definite assurance that we will be OK. We are not, of course, but that is a much longer story. The vague, head- scratching world of NASAH is much more disturbing, in my opinion. Your up- coming scan will, most likely, show nothing at all, and you will be sent home with words of solace and encouragement. The medics will probably be correct, when they say it is very unlikely to reoccur. What they won't tell you is what they cannot imagine. There may be no, actual, clinical brain damage but the effect of the blood spreading across the surface of the brain has a definite impact. Many people on this site will testify to loss of concentration, stamina, familiar words and a myriad of former instinctive functions that , frustratingly, evade you. If you can return to work by December you will have done really well. I'm sure everyone on this site will agree, that you should really take your time and make sure the headaches are gone before you return to the treadmill. Remember, when you're back at work, you're back at work, with no scars or deformities, everyone will soon forget, that anything happened to you at all. Take care Rachel, this was no small event. BRAIN- HEMORRHAGE, say it out aloud, it's the same as HEART-ATTACK or CANCER- SCARE and if you survive, your status, in the public hierarchic of illness, should be the same. After seven years of recovery, I milk it now. I'm a medical miracle, and I make sure all my bosses know it! Take your time, slip back in when your ready, on your own terms. All the best, Bill B.

Hi Robert, I was coiled in 2005, which is ,of course nothing like the invasive procedure that you went through. The resultant residue,however, is very similar. The guitar in the avatar is a 1962 Burns TR2, my favorite instrument! (I have quite a collection of instruments). It's good to hear that you are playing live. I don't play music live anymore but still record my own stuff in my attic studio. The only live performances nowadays are college plays that I help to produce and write. I still have all my amps and speakers from 30 years ago and would love to play again. Maybe, one day. Playing guitar has helped me with co- ordination and concentration and I find it very yogic. I also iron banknotes and paint tiny soldiers for therapy. Very sad, eh? Are you playing blues and rock and roll or are you a jazz nerd? It doesn't matter, any live work is great. Rock- on Robert, The next gig is always the best. All the best, Bill B.

Hi Robert, I, too, had a sister (25) who died from a SAH in 1979. I, also, had a second aneurysm, which was successfully coiled last year. (1st SAH in 2005) The genetic link is denied by many in the NHS but it's plain to see, by, both, anecdote and statistics. Good luck with your procedure on the 23rd, I'm sure you will be just fine. Elective procedures have a very high success rate, and it sure beats the alternative. Welcome to BTG, and the cyber family that we all are. This site is full of love and encouragement, and whatever the twists and turns of ongoing treatments, someone ,on here, will have been there before you. We've all turned over the Ace of spades, but we're all still in the game, waiting for the next deal. It's all chance, and the odds are good! BTG gave me the positive life that I now lead. I hope it gives you the same. All the best. Bill B.

Don' t be hard on this woman, she was one of the lucky ones. If the Mail wishes to intemperate this as some kind of medical breakthrough, so be it. We all know the truth about recovery and no amount of journalistic hyperbole will change our reality. It's nothing to get excited or annoyed about. It's just the monthly " Cancer cure found! " story that grabs the headline for twenty minutes. In fairness to her, she mentions tinnitus and loss of taste, so she is not claiming total recovery. This kind of reporting is unhelpful to the thousands of people who do not recover as quickly as this woman did. Good for her! She did really well. Maybe she could come onto this site and share the secret with the rest of us. We all know the hard , cruel ,truth. Third nerve palsy, tinnitus, fatigue, double vision, headaches, etc, etc.... it's not a miracle cure, it won't save you from stroke, it's just the newspapers' way of grabbing attention with, recycled, medical announcements. Daily Mail, if you want stories to fill your "medical advice section" come and talk to people who have plumed the depths of depression or soared to new heights of recovery. We are are all here , come and talk to us! The current drive on benefits reduction is the motive for this kind of article. There is a cure! Problem solved, everything is fine, no need to worry, the doctors have come up with a solution. Back to work in no time, no need to claim. It's not the woman's fault, and when she finds us , she will become one of us, and will be horrified at the misrepresentation of her condition. Many of us on this site have needed to spend years on the process of rebuilding our lives. For many of us, it's an ongoing project, that may have no ideal resolution. Extreme examples make for good copy, but bare no relation to the shared experience of the majority. I think I can speak for most people on this site. We are all hard working people, struck down , in our prime and robbed of our livelihoods. We crawl back to employment the best way that we can. No miracle cures, no, new, medical fix, just mechanical repair, followed by years of adjustment and acceptance of the new reality and mutual support. We all know the truth. We live it every day. Please forgive this woman, for she can not have known the interpretation that the "Mail" was going to put on her story. Tomorrow's chip paper, lost in litter. All the best. Bill B.

Hi Shirls, and welcome BTG. Returning to work so soon after your event is great, but also full of pitfalls. The desire to return to the former life is very seductive, but not always the best course. The new reality, that is your life now, is best absorbed over a period of time that is only fully understood after all the symptoms have faded into the background of your life. You, may well be one of the lucky ones who re-enter life almost seamlessly, and I hope you are, but the symptoms you relate (Fatigue, lack of co-ordination and searching for words and names) are common to most of us here on this site. Take your time Shirls, this wasn't a sprained ankle. It was a life changing event. We all bounce back in our own ways. Some of us never work again, some of us only work part- time and some recover enough for full-time work. I am seven years down the line from my event, and still struggle with all the symptoms you described. I can only manage three days a week of normal work, but have loads of time for all my creative stuff, which seems to charge my batteries. Life is very different now and, in many ways, better than it was before. Accepting the new, is the hardest thing, but when you reconcile the changes, and fully confront the new reality, this new life, is full of possibilities and hope. Now go and get some sleep. Best wishes, Bill B.

Hi Sandi. I have been reading this thread for some time now and have been wondering what , If anything, I could contribute. Unlike most people on this site, who have struggled to return to work, I was propelled into employment by my big sister. From the pit of despair and deep depression, within a few months, I was a valued person again. All my physical problems were eclipsed by the self esteem that flowed from teaching. The symptoms are still there, and are constantly invading my functions, but the requirements of my role, force me to override all the negatives in my life. I know how lucky I have been. Support on a mammoth scale, and people who forgave all my strange behavior in the early days. I was allowed,to slowly, integrate back into normal life. Not all people will have this level of support. I will say something now, that will seem strange to most SAH sufferers. I actually believe, that I am in a better place now , than I was before the event. Now, I know this is an impossibility for people who have physical aftermath that is much worse than mine. But, if anyone reading , in the early years of recovery, with similar symptoms to me, can take any comfort from my experience. Anything is possible! Coincidentally, it took six months of volunteering to get any work at all. But when I became indispensable, they had to pay me. I feel a kind of guilt , in many ways, that my recovery was so problem free. So many people on this site have had no help at all. The key word is, Volunteer. Sami and Lin will tell you the same. We are all damaged, less than perfect individuals, full of symptoms and needs. The insight that flows from our events makes us all, uniquely placed, to contribute to society, in ways that non - sufferers couldn't. Education is a great place to seek employment, as is, citizens -advice and counselling. Insight is everything. I don't know about everyone else, but, to me, staring death in the face and confronting my own mortality profoundly changed me. Money has no meaning, status has no meaning, shame, guilt, embarrassment and fear have no meaning. All that matters is the love of my family and the self esteem I get from helping others. I am better now , because now, I know what really matters. I am one lucky SOB, and I know it! I apologize to anyone reading this, who is currently struggling for employment. Lack of income and self- esteem are terribly debilitating. But. All that I have become, was hard won, by latching onto a life- line, given, in good faith, by well wishers. All of this is possible for anyone, When you are in deep, dark water, you have to learn how to swim. Sink, or swim. Choice. Bill B.xx "

Hi Jelly B. Welcome to BTG. The isolation that follows being signed off is quite startling. I assume that the neuros involved with you have given you a date for a follow-up scan. This is normally the case, so I would be surprised if they cut you loose completely. Please don't expect to feel normal too soon. It can take months or years , in some cases, to return to your old self. Some of us have to completely re-invent ourselves. It sound like, physically, you are doing really well, so far, but don't underestimate the psychological repercussions of your event. Fear of re-occurrence or unexpected nausea/dizziness/fatigue/numbness, can all invade your recovery and leave you feeling vulnerable and isolated. It is a common subject, on this site, how we are left alone to work out how to cope with all these new alien feelings. The follow-up care is lagging, sadly, behind the clever surgery. This is the priceless value of BTG. All of us have felt these things to some extent or other, and though, no two people are the same, we all understand the uncertainty that you feel at the moment. Sixteen weeks is a very short time. I am seven years down the line and still reaching for the 100% that may never come. You have to be alive to reach. Keep talking, keep in touch, there are a lot of clever people on this site who will help in ways far beyond clinical matters. All the best. Bill B.

Hi David. Welcome to BTG, glad that you found us so soon after your event. I am quite shocked that you returned to work so soon. In the UK, the advice is usually, take your time and give yourself at least three months to recover. A bleed is a bleed and a NASAH is no less an event than any other brain trauma. A 73 day headache is bound to sap the drive and energy from you. Many people on this site have been unable to return to work for many different reasons. Fatigue, depression or physical disability. If you are among the "lucky" few who do not suffer from the common symptoms that affect most of us, you still need to ease yourself back with due attention to what has happened to you. Your boss should be made aware of the severity of your event and not put any pressure on you to rush back to work. This is not a broken arm or sprained ankle or any other visible medical trauma. It is a common feature of SAH or NASAH, that people , in general, forget very quickly that anything has happened to you at all.(no visible symptoms). This only adds to the pressure to return to normality. I directed my boss to this site and found that her understanding of my condition improved when she realized the nature of the recovery process. No two people recover in the same way. Some never recover. If you can return to work and feel able to put all of this behind you, well, good for you. I hope that all of this is just a temporary set back. Take your time David, drink loads of water, (it seems to help) and return to work on your own terms, in your own time. Listen to your body and cut yourself some slack. Best wishes from across the pond. Bill B.

Hi Marilyn, or, aye- up- miduck, as we say, here in Notts. Welcome to BTG and the ever expanding family that we all are. There are lots of us on here in and around Notts, all grateful to the wonderful neuro- team at the QMC. All your symptoms are shared by many on this site, in particular, the concentration, fatigue and dizziness. The numbness,however, is less common. The explanation I have been given for my tinnitus, numbness, double vision and lack of balance is "Third nerve palsy". My first aneurysm ruptured, and was repaired with coils, seven years ago. The second aneurysm was prevented from rupture by coiling last August. The pressure from the coiled, un-ruptured, aneurysm pressing on the Third nerve is likely to interfere with neuro pathways in ways that produce these kind of symptoms. This is only one possible explanation, so I would consult the professionals, if I were you, particularly as your symptoms are intermittent. My symptoms are permanent, and more easily explained. I think you are right to consult the nurses at the QMC and to start some process of investigation. I hope it's just another un-explainable side- effect of your event, but mine wasn't, so best get it checked. I hope I haven't worried you with this response, because everything is fine now (well, manageable at least) and I'm back at work and generally in a good place. Two years is still a relatively short time since your event and things could still be settling down in your brain. I hope it all turns out well for you Marilyn. Now, "wi gunner ev uz dinnaz!" All the best, Bill B.