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Yoyo

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  1. Thank you, thank you all so very very much for your kind words and words of advise. I thought I was having a better day today, but not so. I notice I can't take sudden changes in anything. I have a complete meltdown and end up exhausted with crying constantly. It's hard because I sometimes feel that because I have no physical obvious effects, those around me expect me to be as i was before. When there is a change in any event I seem not to be able to take on the change immediately and go into complete meltdown. This is so unlike me, I was always do organised and the job I did needed me to always be controlled and no what I was doing. I more often than not was the one doing the supporting at work, thus needed to remain in control. My job involved some very awful things so even more's the need for me to be controlled to be able to support others. I am finding this relying on others so very very difficult. At times I think how can I continue living like this, then I pull myself together or try to. Today was one of those not in control days, I completely lost it over a what was a minor change. I have never ever been like this in my life. I feel so very useless and it feels at times hopeless. I don't mean to be so negative. I just hope things will improve. I am trying to keep positive, you all for your wise words of advice. I understand my husband will have and is going through a difficult time, I hope things will improve for us both. I guess I just have to go day by day, bit by bit. I cannot believe how knocked I am by all that has happened to me. Sorry to keep saying these negative things. Thank you all for you kind words. I sometimes, in fact most of the time feel I am not going forward but that I am stuck. I have to shake this sadness off. I having CBT therapy into the 2nd week only. I guess its too early to say if its working for me, I think I get 8 sessions on the NHS. I am wondering if its best to just have therapy privately. I think I have 6 sessions on the NHS, do I just move to a private therapist now. I cannot believe how totally anxious I get when there is change in something, it leaves me feeling so awful I cannot find the words to express how awful it makes me feel. I so hope this improves. I am not used to such strange, emotional feelings. I feel very alone at the moment. This site lets me know I am not totally on my own with these feeling. Sorry if I make no sense, even as I type this I feel that I am just spilling out a load of rubbish that makes no sense. I so hope this gets easier. Its so hard because I am physically doing so well, able to get about on my own and now even able to type on the computer and getting quicker. It's this emotional fluctuations that I find difficult and exhausting. Phew that's it for now. I'll probably read this back and think what an idiot I sound. Thanks all
  2. Thank you all for the wonderful, thoughtful, kind and informative words. I don't feel I am the only one feeling like this. I totally expect any relationship would be hit hard with what has happened. I just felt alone and a scared of everything being over. I have to be brave enough to give my husband time to heal I guess. I think the impact on him has been immense. I think if I'm honest its truly hit him harder than I realised. He had to be strong all through the time I was in hospital. Being told that things where on a knife edge etc etc. I can only hope things will improve for us. I find however my patience is tested and I don't know if this is normal. I think I am looking to the physical side of things for reassurance that we are ok. As this is not happening it creates more anxieties and doubt for me. I will try and somehow dampen down the anxieties and hope that things, as I become more independent, our relationship will get firmer, if not stronger and we once again I hope be husband and wife fully. Its very hard, and I guess I sound selfish and uncaring but I truly am not. I am grateful for all he has done for me, he has looked after me. I notice as I get better he seems to get worse. It's as if my getting better has allowed him to collapse from the strain of it all. Am I right? I know no one can predict if things will improve for me and I guess I am just looking for certainty which I know at the same time I can't have! Do marriages/relationships come through this awfulness?. I find I am so scared at times of thinking it will all be over. Sorry for going on. I also scared if I'm honest of anyone showing me any kindness and interpreting that. I feel so needy and at times so alone. Then I think of others who really are in a worse situation than me and I then am angry with myself for being so selfish and uncaring. Its like a vicious circle at times. I hope at some point I will step off of this awful merry-go-round. I know my marriage will never be exactly as it was before the SAH, but I hope it will be better than it is at the moment. I hope we can be close again. I'm not sure how long I can hold out as I feel so alone at times. I think I need to pluck up courage to go to the support group. Trouble is, it only meets once a month, but maybe that's a start. I feel I'm asking so many questions and answering them at the same time. I'm sorry to be such a pain. Thank you all of you for you advice and support it is so appreciated. I am going to try and be positive. I think I might even dare to bring this up with my therapist!! I must be brave. Thank you all.
  3. Hi Aandrea, thanks for your reply. I re-read my post and yet again I made so many errors. This upsets me. Whenever I do things wrong I become very upset. I know this is due to the aftereffects of my SAH. I forgot to had information about my self. Apologies to here goes. I had my SAH at the beginning of December 2015. I was in hospital for a while being discharge in the following April 2016 just before Easter. I feel my world has been devastated. I was always such a ordered, controlled person. The job I had meant I also needed to have my wits about me. I now feel so very lost, so very alone and useless. The pressure has been enormous on my relationship with my partner. It seems as I am getting better he now can relax I guess and boy has the impact come flooding in. I'm wondering if others can tell me is it normal to have such an impact on ones relationship. Its a silly question I know, and I can only assume it does have an impact on ones relationship. I am physically getting better, but emotionally I am really finding it hard. I am anxious my relationship is in difficulty. My husband has been a tower of strength to me, but it seems as I get better he now is finding it hard to carry on. I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give. Maybe others will be able to shed some light on the difficulties this has on ones relationship. Will things improve or at least become easy to manage, will my endless feeling of sadness ever lighten. I am so thankful for finding this site. This is the first time I have been able to stand being on a computer for any length of time, but I am relieved to have joined up with btg.
  4. Hi everyone, my name is Yoyo. I'm new to this site. Its taken me ages to register, get a password and log in. I find when I get stuck I become all agitated and end up crying and feeling useless. I have of weeks now been reading the site and its been helpful to me. I hope I have not messed up my login now. I look forward to connecting with people on this site. At times I feel so lonely and I find I sometimes always cry at the slightest thing, especially if I make a mistake. I don't know if this will ever get better, I hope to get some clarity from joining this sight. I am sure Ill get support from people who understand how Im feeling. I am so sorry if I am not making any sense and sorry for typos, everything is so difficult at the moment. I hope with time I will get better at this. I really do. Apologies if I am am rambling on. I seem to have lost so much confidence will it get better? Apologies this is what I mean I keep forgetting things. The reason I'm on site. I had my SAH in December 2015. I feel my world has been shattered. I wonder will the feeling of total loss every leave me. I would be grateful for any advice anyone can give me. This whole episode has put such a strain on my relationship. I am scared things will be damaged forever I don't know where to turn. I thought joining this sight might help me and give me a focus. Sorry for the rambling on.
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