Thank you, thank you all so very very much for your kind words and words of advise. I thought I was having a better day today, but not so. I notice I can't take sudden changes in anything. I have a complete meltdown and end up exhausted with crying constantly.
It's hard because I sometimes feel that because I have no physical obvious effects, those around me expect me to be as i was before. When there is a change in any event I seem not to be able to take on the change immediately and go into complete meltdown. This is so unlike me, I was always do organised and the job I did needed me to always be controlled and no what I was doing.
I more often than not was the one doing the supporting at work, thus needed to remain in control. My job involved some very awful things so even more's the need for me to be controlled to be able to support others. I am finding this relying on others so very very difficult. At times I think how can I continue living like this, then I pull myself together or try to.
Today was one of those not in control days, I completely lost it over a what was a minor change. I have never ever been like this in my life. I feel so very useless and it feels at times hopeless. I don't mean to be so negative. I just hope things will improve. I am trying to keep positive, you all for your wise words of advice.
I understand my husband will have and is going through a difficult time, I hope things will improve for us both. I guess I just have to go day by day, bit by bit. I cannot believe how knocked I am by all that has happened to me. Sorry to keep saying these negative things.
Thank you all for you kind words. I sometimes, in fact most of the time feel I am not going forward but that I am stuck. I have to shake this sadness off. I having CBT therapy into the 2nd week only. I guess its too early to say if its working for me, I think I get 8 sessions on the NHS. I am wondering if its best to just have therapy privately. I think I have 6 sessions on the NHS, do I just move to a private therapist now.
I cannot believe how totally anxious I get when there is change in something, it leaves me feeling so awful I cannot find the words to express how awful it makes me feel. I so hope this improves. I am not used to such strange, emotional feelings. I feel very alone at the moment.
This site lets me know I am not totally on my own with these feeling. Sorry if I make no sense, even as I type this I feel that I am just spilling out a load of rubbish that makes no sense. I so hope this gets easier. Its so hard because I am physically doing so well, able to get about on my own and now even able to type on the computer and getting quicker.
It's this emotional fluctuations that I find difficult and exhausting. Phew that's it for now. I'll probably read this back and think what an idiot I sound. Thanks all