Stephanie Rubeck

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the day my head literally exploded. Sunday was the super bowl (which is the day it happened last year). Both days were very difficult for me emotionally; but even more so for my family I believe. My husband even went to my therapist with me on Monday! That is saying a lot since he has never in his life agreed to go to therapy before. That man is a rock, and my hero. When the power went out at the super bowl, it felt almost like poetic justice. I felt like the gods were giving me a little retribution for what happened last year. Last year I blew a fuse during the halftime show...this year THEY did! haha. Yesterday was very difficult for me because all the memories. Mostly the memories my family has because I have very few of my own. February is usually the shortest month of the year, but last year, it was the longest month for my family and friends. The pain and worry I put them through leaves me with immense guilt. I know that there was nothing I could do to avoid the SAH, but that doesn't stop me from feeling responsible for so many peoples emotional upheaval. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty, but I know in time it will get better. I'm still dealing with the side effects and eye effects of the SAH. I go to see an eye specialist on Friday about my left eye. I have neuropathy in my left hand and foot, but I am feeling really good right now about so many things. I passed that one year threshold and it feels great to be on the other side of it.

I say LET'S DO IT!!! I'm on board for a swap Thanks everyone for your replies. Sorry I didn't get to read them sooner, I've been trying to do the 'normal' life thing.

I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary, if you want to call it that, of the day I had my subarachnoid hemorrhage with complications. I'm still not back to 'normal' and probably never will be. My family relives it like it was yesterday in stories they tell me. I think them talking about it helps them, but some days, I just don't want to hear any more. I can't tell my 14 year old son to stop talking because I want to vomit hearing about it all over again though, he needs to get his feelings out. I can't tell people close to me how much I'm terrified of the memories I do have, much less the ones I don't have. I know I was in the coma for 2 weeks and the doctors said I was going to die. My family has told me many MANY times all about it. I'm starting to have nightmares again the closer it gets to the 1 year mark. I cry a lot lately, but I just tell them it's because I have one of my headaches if they notice. I just wish I could go back to being a normal every day person. Not a person with a piece of metal screwed to my brain and a tube running down the inside of my body to drain the blood from my head forever. I can't even wear a freaking hat because of it. (yes I'm bitter), glad to be alive, grateful, but bitter about the things I have lost. I dunno, I just needed to vent a bit...thanks for taking the time to read. Stephanie

Congratulations Kel!

Mary, Never feel guilty for how you feel. You have every right to throw a pity party once in awhile. We all do it! If we don't feel sorry for ourselves on occasion, no one will. You have been through and are going through so much. Give yourself the right to feel sad, mad, afraid, and flat out fed up. If it were someone else in the same situation you would tell them that these feelings are normal and justified, and even needed some days. Treat yourself the way you treat other people and you will feel better in no time. Take care of yourself (Glad to see a fellow USA survivor, was beginning to think I was alone) Stephanie

Laughing my head off Mary!!!

What do I want from life? I want my children to grow up to be happy, healthy and productive people. I want my husbands cancer to not come back. I want to smile often, laugh a lot, and dance whenever I feel the urge. Basically, I want to enjoy my life! Something I hadn't been doing for years before my SAH Stephanie

Hi all, After my SAH and stroke, I was in a medically induced coma for 14 days. When I was finally able to get up again a month later, I had a condition called 'foot drop' or 'drop foot' where my toes dragged the ground when I went to walk. With physical therapy and time, it has gotten better...but, I still have a lot of issues with squatting down or bending over for any period of time or my ankles feel like they are on fire. Last night I cleaned out from under my bed (granted I hadn't done that in about 5 years lol and my bedroom is also the laundry room)...but today I can barely walk for the pain in my ankles. My toes are numb and I'm just 'drained'. Has anyone else had problems with foot drop after SAH or stroke? And if so, could you tell me how long these symptoms will go on. I'm wondering if my feet will ever go back to just being you know...feet lol. Thanks, Stephanie

I don't know if many here know this, but in Dec. 2010 (a little over a year before my SAH) I had a widow maker heart attack. It was a 100% blockage, well, needless to say by the name of the heart attack; it was bad. Anyway, I went to the Cardiologist today for another check up. Everything looks Great, as I already knew . Don't have to see her again until April of 2013. She did up my blood pressure medicine though because I have that new bleed in the vitreous of my right eye. She didn't seem concerned about my weight gain, which is weird because I AM concerned about it lol. She feels that my body is just 'adjusting' after what it's been through this year. ADJUSTING? it's freaking expanding! lol...Oh well, I'll get that under control. The important part is that I'm as healthy as can be expected.... until my SAH, I was having severe problems with anxiety and depression. I honestly have to say, in some demented way, that the hemorrhage was a blessing. I know that sounds insane, but I've realized that life is far too short to be always worried about everything. I still struggle with depression, as I would defy anyone who's been through this not to, but I'm on medication for that now. I've even been able to cut back on my anxiety medication and am still able to function fairly well. I know everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason was to help me get past all my anxiety about leaving the house...though, I would think there could have been some less dramatic way it could have been shown to me lol. I don't think I really needed my head to explode to get the point across lmao. Oh well, it is what it is; can't change what happened. I can only control what I do about it now, and what I take away from this experience. I chose to take my life back! LIFE IS GOOD ! Stephanie

Welcome Andy, And happy birthday and congratulations on your getting married recently. Donna is a very lucky woman to have a caring man like you in her life. I don't remember the first month or so after my SAH personally, but I do know that I had a lot of visitors. I didn't talk much because I was still on a breathing tube, but my husband says I was pretty happy to see people. I know you want to spend time alone with Donna, but I'm sure it's very important for her family members and friends to see her and know for themselves that she will be 'ok'. I hope she recovers quickly and comes home to you to start your lives together. Stephanie

thank you all. My son is only 14, so I suppose he was just being a typical teenager and not understanding why things aren't the way they used to be. I know he knows and understand what happened, to all of us, not just to me. But I'm not sure how much he understands the long term effects. Or that words hurt me so badly now. I tried not to let him know how hurt I was, but I'm not sure I succeeded there.

I had an eye specialist appointment today for a check up. Thought it was going to be another 'everything is the same, see you in 6-8 weeks' visit. But it wasn't! After looking in my eyes an extraordinary amount of time this time, the doctor told me that I have a new vitrial bleed in my right eye. He's not sure what caused it yet, but he didn't seem too worried. He wants to see me back in two weeks to see if there is any further change. He may not be too worried about it, but it's not HIS eye, so I'M a bit worried! My left eye after the SAH was completely 'blacked out' from vitrial blood. I couldn't see a thing except on the edges. I had to have surgery to remove all that blood (well most of it) so that I could see at all from the left eye. From the surgery I am able to see, but the vision is still extremely blurry. I'm terrified that I will have to end up getting the same vitrectomy surgery in the right eye. Does this nightmare never end?

Tonight, while I was cleaning my bedroom and doing laundry, I asked my son if he could take out the trash for me and help me switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer because I was running on fumes energy wise. He looked me straight in the face and told me "you can't keep using this brain damage thing as an excuse not to do things and to get attention". He then told me that he didn't mean it the way it sounded, that I need to push past this little 'issue' I had and get on with life. He says he learned that from ME? I'm sitting here darned near in tears wondering, AM I using it as an excuse? AM I just attention seeking and lazy?? I don't think I am, but this really hurt me, because if he's thinking this way, I'm certain more people are as well. I feel now that I should just forget that I ever had the SAH and 'push past' it. I don't know what to do right now. Stephanie (didn't know what to title this, so it's uncertain. feel free to change it if you have a better title)

Hi Juliette, I'm glad you posted this. I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with me. Now I know it's normal. I've had a cold/flu for the last 3-4 weeks and it's not going away either. I think you should probably talk to your doctor about it if it's worrying you. I know I plan on talking to mine when I see her next week if I'm not better by then. Hope you feel better soon. Stephanie

Thankfully, I had one of my rare good days Friday night into Saturday. My son had 3 of his friends sleep over Friday for his 14th birthday, and then on Saturday, there were 7 teenage boys in the house. (it's not a large house) I even managed to keep the place fairly straightened up without hitting the brick wall of exhaustion that I usually have. One of my sons friends made a comment about how short my hair is now and why I walk a bit funny, I told him "what do you expect from a person who's head exploded" lol...apparently he was the ONLY person in this town who didn't know what happened to me lol...I ended up having to explain to a 15 year old about SAH. He seemed fascinated as well as horrified but was really 'cool' about it. I am so glad the boys had a good time, but I'm even happier that it's over now. It's going to take me a few days to recover from it all There are up days and down days and even the in between days...just glad that this weekend was more like the 'old' me than the post SAH me. Stephanie

I feel very much 'to blame' for alot of things lately. My daughter told me the other night that she is constantly worried that I will die. I tried talking to my husband about it, but he said 'me too'...sigh, he's afraid I'm going to die too?! So, that only leaves my 13 year old son who hasn't actually said out loud that he thinks I'm going to drop dead any minute from another brain bleed or another heart attack. I take total blame for the heart attack, I was a smoker for over 20 years (quit two years ago in Dec.) but now I'm feeling guilty for the SAH as well because of the effect it's having on my family. How do I reassure them that I am not going anywhere? How do I make them feel comfortable letting me live my life, instead of watching and waiting for me to die? It's not good for them for sure, and it's not good for me either. I want my family to be happy, and they can't be if they are constantly worried

thank you all for your kind words and replying...and yes, I do feel very fortunate and blessed most of the time. I just have those days when I feel sorry for myself I suppose. But I know how very far I have come since Feb. I mean, first they told my husband that I would not survive, to call family to tell me goodbye. Then they told him if I did by some miracle survive, I would be in a vegetative state, then when I woke up from my coma, they told him I wouldn't be 'the same' and I'd never walk again....Well, I'm not running any marathons, but I am walking, talking, cooking, cleaning, and obviously typing; so I proved those doctors wrong at every turn. I will continue to prove people wrong on what I am capable of accomplishing. I survived a widow maker heart attack in dec. 2010 when they said I wouldn't...I sure as heck am not going to let a bleed in my brain stop me.

I try to avoid the topic whenever possible...but, when I have no choice, I usually tell people in a joking voice that 'my head exploded, but I'm doing fine now'. None of them can really understand what I've been through, that's why I come here Skippy, I get the same things from people. Shock really from most. I get the 'your a lucky person' ...it's a miracle you survived. Most days I agree but there are days I don't feel so lucky

Hi, I've been on here for a few months now. I had my SAH in Feb. of this year. I know that I was in a coma for a month and that I was in a nursing home for another month after that. But I get so frustrated and annoyed now because I want my life to go back to 'normal'. For the most part, I FEEL fine. But I can't seem to do the things I used to do. Like today for instance. We bought our daughter a new bed for her birthday, and I helped put the frame together and put the queen size box springs and mattress on the frame. I collapsed onto the bed as soon as we were finished from total exhaustion. I've never gotten that exhausted so easily. I get annoyed because every time I think I'm doing better, a headache will come and knock me down. Or, I will be doing something and my husband will stop me and make me sit down because he says 'you worry me sometimes'. Well, I worry myself sometimes too, but I have to keep living...don't I? I don't know, I guess I'm just rambling and whining. Some days I need to just do that for a little while. Thanks for taking the time to read this nonsense lol Oh, does anyone ever have an issue with a feeling of pressure in your head? There are times, like now, that I feel like I'm wearing a hat 5 sizes too small and it's just squeezing me. Stephanie

my children are 19 and 13. Well, my daughter has turned 20 since my SAH. She was at work when my symptoms started. My son was home with my husband and me. My husband made him go to his room and close the door. My daughter came home from work and found me having a seizure on the couch and stopped breathing. My husband was outside waiting on the ambulance to get here so she was alone, scared, and confused. My children have been very good about everything. My son took it the hardest emotionally. Even though he won't admit it, because he says 'I'm a tough man just like dad', but I still see the fear in his eyes sometimes. My daughter freaks out if I do certain things, like watching football (that's when it happened, during the super bowl halftime show). She doesn't even want me listening to Madonna because she thinks I'll have another SAH. I hope with time they will, and I will, come to terms with all of this. Stephanie

Bev, Sorry about the flashbacks. I'm sure it will get better over time. Small comfort I know. I have no memories of anything leading up to my SAH or for the month after. Sometimes I wish I could remember, but then other times, I'm glad I don't remember because I'm not sure the flashbacks would be something I could deal with.

Mary, No, I don't have an out of home job. I'm a stay at home mom. I've been on disability for 19 years for bipolar disorder. I never thought I'd MISS rapid cycling on my moods, but I do now. The only thing I see a doctor for at all for the SAH anymore is my neuro interventionalist. He insists on seeing me once a year to do a repeat angio to make sure the coils are holding in my brain. I can't get an MRI done unless my neuro surgeon is present because of the shunt. He would have to reset it. Skippy, Hi, and thank you for the welcome. Yes, I've been seeing a therapist for over 4 years. I had to change therapists shortly after my SAH though because of insurance reasons, so the new guy doesn't know alot about me yet. He seems to want to talk about my 'mom issues' lol and tells me that he can't believe I have bipolar because all he sees is depression. Well, what does he expect? My freaking head exploded! lol he'd be depressed too! I am very appreciative of coming here and being able to hear that I'm not losing my mind entirely. My friends and family don't really understand what's happened to me or the changes in my personality. Stephanie

Mary, Thank you for replying. Yes, my GP has put me on Buspar for anxiety (I was on that pre-SAH) and zoloft 200mg (the highest dose). It 'takes the edge off' the depression I suppose, but I still find myself zoning out on the couch or sleeping for 12 hours at a time. I want so badly to go out and thoroughly enjoy the life that I've been given a third chance (I had a massive heart attack in Dec. 2010) to live to it's fullest...but I just don't seem to have to get up and go to ...well, get up and go. I'd talk to my neurologist, but when I went to see him 4 months post SAH, he discharged me from his services saying he didn't need to see me again because he'd done all he can do for me. He won't see me again unless I need further surgery to replace the shunt he put in. (he's a jerk lol) I know what you mean about the memory thing. I read up on things constantly, and 10 minutes later, can't remember a thing. I am forever having to write myself notes to remember to do the simplest of things that most people don't think twice about (ie. take a shower) I too have vision problems. The eye specialist calls it 'tersons syndrome' where I have blood pooled in the vitreous of my eye (a sac in the back of the eye that should be filled with clear fluid). For months I was completely blind in my left eye and only half vision in my right. The eye specialist did surgery to remove the blood from the left, he got most of it. They are waiting to see if the blood in the right eye dissolves on it's own, but they aren't very hopeful since they've only seen this syndrome in autopsy. I had to be difficult and survive lol. Stephanie

hi Rachel, I didn't have a craniotomy, but I did have coiling and a permanent shunt placed after my SAH. I have almost constant headaches and at times, almost unbearable ones. The doctors told me that it could be a permanent side effect. Let's hope they're wrong

Hi, I had a grade 4 SAH in Feb of this year. Any and all complications that could have happened...did. But, I did manage to shock the doctors and survive, not only survive, but with just a few nagging side effects (vision problems and depression). Which brings me to the reason I am posting today. I was wondering if anyone else has had new or worsening depression symptoms since their SAH? My doctor is having trouble treating my depression because he says it's 'vascular depression' and that anti depressants won't work properly on me because of the bleed and stroke that I had. I was hoping someone here would maybe have some advice on how to deal with this depression. Thank you, Stephanie