I will admit this is going to be long, but I have a lot to get off my chest. The depression is almost crippling, and I do not know where to turn.
I had my SAH in October of 2021. I was out with my 14 year old son building a greenhouse. I was just sawing a piece of lumber when my head began throbbing. I went into the house to get a drink of water and lie down. As I was leaving the kitchen, the headache went from a 7 to a 10 almost instantly, and I fell to the floor.
I managed to get my cell phone out and dial my wife to ask her to come home. After about a minute I decided I should probably dial 911. I couldn't move to get to the cell phone again. My son came in to check on me, and he dialed 911 for me and had them dispatch an ambulance to the house.
My wife showed up first. She tried to help me, but I couldn't move. I threw up on the floor. The ambulance showed up, and helped me onto the stretcher. I remember them wheeling me into the ambulance, and asking me some questions, and then it is a black out until I "woke" up in the step down unit in a hospital 2 hours away from my house. about three weeks later.
My wife told me I was awake the entire three weeks. She has pictures of me. Her account was they care flighted me to the hospital, and put in a catheter to drain my head. It was in for two weeks. They were about to put a permanent drain in until it finally subsided. I spent the last week in rehab.
My wife never left my side the whole two weeks prior to rehab, but she left me during rehab. I had my 43rd birthday in the rehab unit. My wife and kids came and spent a few hours in the evening with me. The hospital made me a cake.
I thought I had it all together reasonably when I left the hospital. I was having trouble with headaches and neurofatigue, but I thought I was on the road to a fast recovery. I even called my employer to ask if I could come back to work the following week.
His wife had been battling breast cancer for years. According to my two youngest kids, she had brought them to see me in the hospital a couple of times. When I came back to work, she took a bad turn. She went into the hospital less than a week from when I came out. I have worked for my boss for almost thirty years.
He asked me to stay with her during the day while he managed the business, and he stayed there overnight to be with her. The experience was indescribable. I was stuck in the emergency room for days and days while they tried to get her into a hospital that could put a stent in her liver. Watching her in pain, and watching the other patients come in and out made me have a sort of PTSD. It was almost more than I could handle.
While she was in the hospital, my wife's father passed away and a couple of days later, my great uncle passed away. All of this going on, and I am becoming very aware of all the deficits I have. My short term memory is terrible. I am having to keep a journal to keep up with the day to day. I have to keep notes in my pocket to remind me what I am supposed to do.
The headaches continue to get worse. The neurofatigue is crippling. I was waking up at 6 every morning feeling like I haven't slept at all, forcing myself out of bed. Then about 2 in the afternoon, I would slowly start to dwindle my energy down, and by 5 or 6 I was asleep. I had gotten my license reinstated two weeks after being out, but I was really afraid to drive alone.
My boss took the loss of his wife hard. All of the deficits I was having was taking a toll on me and him. He had become abusive. I couldn't do half of what I used to do. He was having a hard time coping with it all, and still is. He has learned to handle his grief better over the last few months.
All of this has led me into a depression I can't seem to get out of. It all seems hopeless. My memory is shot, my head hurts all the time, my Lupus keeps my arthritis flared up almost all the time, I can't stay awake for anytime, my hospital bills are almost punitive, and I am finally demoted at work. I feel like there is no light at the end of any tunnel for me. I am 9 months post SAH and have reached a level, and I will never get past this.
No one understands. I try to be strong for my family. I have a wife that is a saint. She is stronger than I ever thought she was. I don't know how she is handling this. I have tried to talk to her about it because I know she has to be having trouble, but she says she is fine. I feel like if I am having these problems, she must be suffering as well. I feel like I am watching my life cave in on me with no escape in sight.
