Conni

I am so happy I found this site. It helps to hear everyone else's journey experiences. Good day to all

Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. I'm sure everyone can understand how wonderful it was to hear other's stories and know that I wasn't "crazy!" This site is a blessing as is life itself. I think the communication will be very helpful for me.;-)

I am 10 years out of my SAH. I had a spontaneous SAH. I am one of the "lucky" ones. I spent 2 weeks in shock trauma. I had 5 lumbar punctures to remove blood and fluid from my brain. I had 1 follow up MRI and was sent on my way. No follow-up, no recommendations; just a "you're lucky to be alive" send off. I live alone and didn't have anyone with me. The doctor said I should not be alone for my first 2 weeks at home because if I were to have another event in normally happens within 2 week to a month of the 1st event and is more often than not, fatal. Looking back on those days is like looking into a nightmare. I slept all the time because when I was awake it was to hard to comprehend what had happened and the depression was crushing. I had survivors guilt and still do. I began a new job 5 months after having the SAH. I had to support myself. I understand you when you say you pretend. Pretend that everything is o.k. and that I am o.k. It was very stressful because my co-workers thought that I was stupid because I had trouble comprehending things. I couldn't connect the dots. I did not want to have to say, "I had a brain hemorrhage, so sometimes I have problems." I would have had to say that a lot. Fatique...tell me about it. All my energy was expended just to get to work and do my job. I had no energy for anything else. For this reason, I became isolated. I was too tired to go out with friends. I had to have enough energy to work. I was 50 when I had the SAH so as the fatigue continued I told myself it just must be that I'm getting older. I have severe depression, and anxiety disorder. I can't cope with things anymore. My threshold for stress is so small. Unfortunately, I have had no alternative but to apply for disability retirement. I don't hold out much hope because I don't have any personally documented records from treating physicians because there's not much to show except prescriptions for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. They have just looked at me like I have 2 heads when I try to explain how I feel. I have seen counselors but they haven't been able to help much because they don't understand that the changes in my brain. I continue to be isolated because I'm sad all of the time. I used to be a very sociable person but no longer feel comfortable in groups. I feel like I'm standing in a circle all alone and watching life go on all around me. People are driving, laughing, dining, and connecting with one another and I am just an observer. I am 61 now and continue to pretend because that is all that I can do. I do believe I was saved for a reason and hope that I can find the gifts that are mine to share with others.