sandie

Well have finally plucked up the courage today to go to the doctors and ask for help.....what a waste of time!! Tried to explain how I've been feeling emotionally, how frustrated I am, exhausted from trying to 2nd guess conversations so I know what I'm going to say without looking daft forgetting words, and basically how down I am with everything-just to be told that I have "survivors guilt"!! What's that all about?!? I actually went with a stiff neck and headache which I've had for 5 days now and understandably the first worry with that is 'what if it's another bleed?' She moved my head round and said I've pulled the muscles in my neck, gave me a piece of paper with a couple of exercises and told me to go back if I've any other worries!! Confirmed to me exactly what I was worrying about by going to the doctors-that I was actually wasting their time! Said to think back to how I was 3 months ago and how far I've come now-told her I was worse now than I was 3 months ago....so she told me to see how far I come in another 3 months???? Now more frustrated than ever-has anyone been in touch with Headway? If so how did you find it? Did they offer any help? May get in touch with them as it's obvious I'm not going to get any support from my GP. Sorry for rambling-I'm just SO annoyed! Thanks again for all your support, it's good to know I'm not on my own! Hope you're all having a better day than me lol!! Take care Sandie xxx

Hi all, Thanks for all your kind words-Janet I got your PM earlier but can't reply for some reason, I'm only in Wallasey so just down the road from you! I'll get my internet sorted and get back to you soon as! Well it's now gone 2am and I still can't sleep My sleep pattern has gone completely since my SAH and this is the worst time for me-sitting in the flat on my own, noone to talk to so my brain seems to go into overdrive. This is when the feelings change the most I swing from happy/sad/lucky/guilty/suicidal at times-then guilty again for thinking like that as I've been so lucky to be given a 2nd chance....so confusing!! Finding everday a challenge at the moment-even a conversation is exhausting as I'm trying to think ahead of what I want to say so i don't forget the words and look daft!! Called into work today-I've got a barbers shop-and did 2 haircuts as they were busy-got totally fed up with people telling me how well I look! I'm sure a lot of you have had that too-if it was a spot on the end of my nose people would see I'm not ok, but because I do my hair and throw a bit of slap on my face I'm left feeling like a fraud who's milking it!.....probably just my interpretation but you can't help what you think!! I'm actually thinking of printing info off and putting it up in the shop to stop the questions-it's all like "oh well, you've had your op and a few months off so you must be better now!"-if only they knew exactly what 'recovery' entails! I'm off to count sheep-take care, night all! Sandie xxx

Thanks guys, You're right,it is nice to know you're not alone. I think a big part of it is the speed everything happens-I was driving home from work the next thing I knew I woke up in Arrowe Park hosp to be told I'd had a bleed-then was whizzed over to the Walton Centre....I even had a police escort through the Mersey tunnel (which they'd closed off-I dread to think how many people were cursing me, trying to get home for Christmas!!) Then the next thing I remember is after the op. I'd had a hellish 6 months, had seperated from my husband in June, and had spent the whole of Dec saying that I was dreading my 1st Xmas on my own and I wished I could just go to sleep xmas eve and wake up when it was all over....be careful what you wish for eh?! It's great to be able to talk to people who know exactly what you're going through-I feel guilty talking to my family and friends as they went through so much while I was in hospital and I don't want to upset them more! I've had real trouble dealing with all sorts since I came home-didn't pay a bill for 6 months as I couldn't handle the words and numbers on the letters-then as time went on I knew there wouldn't be any good news in them so just left them on the side! Luckily have got that sorted now-but my credit score must have gone through the floor haha! Have read so many of your inspiring stories here-onwards and upwards!! Sandie xxx

Hi, My name's Sandie and I had my SAH on Christmas Eve, coiled 4 days later and thought I was recovering quite well and feel as though I've taken 15 steps back just recently! The headaches aren't as frequent or severe and I'm coming to terms with the tiredness but am really struggling with the emotional side of things! I think it's just hitting home how lucky I've been and am going through one minute happy about it....the next feeling guilty! I feel guilty for what my family went through as I can't remember a thing-and know they're still holding things back from me so as not to upset me any more than I already am! It has helped me finding this site and reading all your stories-I guess it's good to know that what you're going through is a normal part of recovery-you kind of feel as if you must be the only one in the world feeling like that! I'm just trying not to push myself too hard but am beating myself up whenever I forget words mid sentence-then feel like beating other people up when they talk to me like I'm 3 yrs old telling me to "take my time, it'll come to me in the end" haha!! That's another thing I've noticed post SAH-my temper!!! I've always been so (some say TOO!) patient but find myself yelling at the slightest thing-usually at my poor mum who's been an angel-thankfully she says she understands I remember being told in hospital that it would be a long recovery but me thinking I'm invincible didn't really believe them-now I do and am sure things will get easier with time! Wish you all well. Sandie xxx