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  1. So here I am 20 months post SAH and coiling, in constant pain laid in bed overheating. The levels of my frustration have got to breaking point, I feel so useless, I have no energy or motivation. I use to be a person who took on any and every challenge, a person people turned to for help and support. I hate this version of me, who sits and watches my family argue over who’s turn it is to cook or clean, my house is an absolute mess now with so many diy and maintenance jobs piled up and I can’t face coping with any of it. I feel so overwhelmed by all of it that I can’t bear to see it, so I shut myself in my bedroom. I have started to resent family and friends for being able to go out and enjoy life whilst I’m stuck here. Most of my friends have vanished since my SAH and the few that have stayed must be so sick of me, my anger, impatience, tears and inability to do things. I feel like a ghost trapped watching everything fall apart and not being able to do a thing about it, I often wonder what the point of surviving was. The doctors do tests and tell me to give it time and keep taking the tablets, I’m piling on so much weight that I can’t bear to look at myself anymore. So I sit here and wonder if I did actually survive, or is this hell?
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