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Update on Richard Hickman


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Please don't feel guilty Zoe, from what I can gather you have remained pretty strong throughout and I admire you for that. It has not been an easy ride for you and you have every right to be feel like this at times, the pressure on you has been immense so don't worry about your feelings - you are only human after all. Getting it off your chest has possibly helped a bit but certainly don't feel guilty - the tears should also release some of the tension - I'm sure none of us would deal with it any differently to you. Just wondered if you have spoken to anyone at the Brain and Spine foundation - a chat with them might just help you a bit. Not sure what else to suggest but hope you will feel more positive tomorrow and just remind yourself how well you have coped over the past few months- take care,

Sarah

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Zoe you are not being unfair at all, do not feel guilty.

The SAH has a traumatic effect on the partner as well as the patient. If I compare my situation to yours you have really got your hands full. My two daughters are in their late twenties, your children need your love, attention 24/7. My daughters were able to offer support to Julie when I was in hospital and it shares the load.

You are carrying the load of looking after yourself, the children and trying to cope with Richards recovery at the same time.

This is a huge task, you are doing a fantastic job do not blame yourself.

An SAH does change us, not just physically in some cases but also our personalities.

You have to be able to let off steam and express how frustrated you are feeling. We do change and it is not our fault, all you can do is your best.

If you can get Richard home for the day it may help him progress because he can see a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Time in hospital is very hard if like Richard you are aware of everything. I was fortunate that for six weeks I did not know where I was.

It sounds like I am waffling now but I am just trying to convey to you that how you are feeling is quite normal considering everything that has happened.

Take care.:wink:

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This is why its always said that the carers have to take time for themselves...

Im the one with the SAH & looking back I must have been such a cow to Ronnie, but that part did get better in time & now when we talk about 'that time' we laugh......:lol:

Ronnie says he's had 2 wives the A version (pre SAH) & the B version......

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Hi Zoe

Don't feel guilty, you have talk about how you feel and most of all you have to be honest! You are in a very stressful situation.

We'd been very happily married for 23 years when I had my SAH and it put a huge strain on our marriage. My husband's lost the strong, sociable, full of energy and very organised wife he relied on. Our lives changed a great deal. We eventually needed some couple counselling to get us through the worst and now things are better than they've ever been. But my SAH was no where near as devastating as Richard's and our children were 22, 20 and 17 when it happened.

You have done amazingly well to keep it together as much as you have done but as Louise said, make time for your self.

Take care.

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Hi Zoe....nothing to feel guilty about.....sending you a big hug...cant imagine how it must have been for you dealing with all that worry and stress....please take care. We are here for you...love Tina xx

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Hi Zoe, I've just caught up with what you wrote and I feel for you!! It must be very very hard to be in your situation: I've said it before but having the SAH didn't seem as hard as it was on the people around me! Make sure you get some respite - contact a carers' association or something, or ask your GP. You mustn't just struggle alone to do this.

I haven't had the same problems as Rich but I have been having more rows than before with my partner of nearly 12 years - I mean we NEVER argued before, and now not only is there hardly any money coming in the house, I also get very confused and upset easily so the moment there is a disagreement I see it as a huge row and think I have to move out (it's his house) because how can he still love me?

I suppose I'm trying to say, in a garbled way, that I understand a teeny bit of what you are going through and I am sending you strong, positive vibes to get you all through it.

take care!!

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Well Richard came home this afternoon and it went fantastically. As they pushed him down our path he had the biggest smile on his face. The kids were a bit overpowering but he doesn't seem to have an issue with loud noise etc so they didn't seem to bother him too much. He got a bit upset when he had to go back but went with no problems. He is coming home again on Saturday so looking forward to that. I was a bit on edge as he has a habit of trying to stand by himself and walk andd he kept sitting at the front of his chair and I kept nagging so think I annoyed him a bit. At one point he did stand himself which I told him off for but on the plus side he was standing really well by himself so feel quite proud of him. He feels tghat the hospital are holding him back as he just wants to work at walking etc but they are pacing him and taking things slowly which is driving him mad.

Anyway, a brilliant day in all and looking forward to the weekend.:-D:-D:-D:-D

PS - Thank you to Sally for the messages - it means a lot

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:-D So glad all went well you sound really happy and no doubt Richard will be thrilled to bits too! I hope you continue to be positive and that the kids don't fret too much that their dad has had to go away again. Here's to many more afternoons like this and a speedy return home for good for Richard.xxxx
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That's brillliant news Zoe,

Must have been wonderful for all of you. A major step forward:biggrin:

You remember to relax now. Hope Saturday goes just as well. Perhaps you should enlist someone to help you manage on the day. It must be a little diffucult to mind the children and occupy richard at the same time. Have a fab time.:-D

Sally xxx

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Just need to come on here and vent my frustration.

Richard has just phoned to say he wants a divorce. He says this is no life for him and that I am having it easy being at home. What can I tell him? Compared to him I have got it easy. I suffer with depression myself and do struggle to keep on top of the housework and I haven't been strict with the kids and they run rings round me but it's nothing compared to what he is going through. I know deep down he probably doesn't mean what he says but I am fed up with the fact that most times I come off the phone to him I am in tears. He is horrible to me - makes awful comments about my weight and criticises everything I do for him. He is horrible to the kids too - poor Xara is really going through it as he doesn't hide the fact that he prefers Luke (he has said this to my face too). I know his brain has changed the way he is but I dont like it and feel helpless.

Just don't know what to do anymore.

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Zoe,

This is so sad. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. As you said " he probably doesn't mean what he says". I know I did a lot of things I now regret. Most of them I dont even remember doing. Try to keep remembering his brain is not working properly for the moment and the Richard you knew will hopefully take control of it at some time. It's also possible he's thinking that life for all of you is not good this way. I remember asking myself if it was fair to keep my husband "tied" to our situation, and told him if he wanted to separate I wouldn't blame him. Richard may change his mind on this more than once I would think. It's so hard to know whats the right thing for everyone. Perhaps you should talk to your own doctor to see if he can provide any help to get you through this. You might find if you get a chance to discuss this at length with him you will both feel better afterwards.

Thinking of you. Take care.

Love Sally xxx

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Hi Zoe, I don't visit this site often but have just read through this post from the start. What a roller coaster ride you have had. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. I also know that my SAH was far harder on my family than on me at the time but reading your posts highlights this more and I was a lot luckier than your husband.

You are an amazing woman and have shown enormous strength. I hope this will not offend or upset you, but you need support too as your life has suddenly changed too and become very hard. Your children and husband need you to be the 'solid ground' but no-one could deal with this without help and encouragement. Are you in touch with other carers, maybe it would help to share what you are going through with others in the same position. Is there anyone who could help out with your children, even just to give you a break for an afternoon? Maybe there is some type of young carers project near you?

I wish you the very best and hope your next post is another happier one. Take care xx

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Hi Zoe, I am so sorry to have just seen your note.

I know how lucky I have been with my recovery todate compared to Richards.

The problem for Richard is that while in hospital time just stands still and you have no realisation of what it is like for your partner.

Because Richard is still recovering with his mobility he has a lot of time to think. You do not make the right comments.

He is not able to relate to all the things you have to do to try and continue while he is in Stoke.

I hope that he will come to realise that he is being unfair in his comments and realise that you are trying to be a rock for him, while coping with the stresses of the situation yourself.

Get yourself some help from your GP and make sure you keep in touch with your Mum.

I hope things improve for you quickly but make sure you look after yourself.

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Hi all,

Richard did phone back late last night to apologise. He said he has just has enough and wants to come home. The problem is that he doesn't think he has a disability. He won't socialise with people at the hospital who are 'worse' than him which does limit the number of people he gets on with.

Thank you all for your kind messages. I think I am going to get in touch with our Carers Contact Centre and see if there is a group I can go to. I am already on medication for depression which was increased when Richard became ill and even though I still seem to be very down I dread to think what I would be like if I wasn't on it.

It is very helpful to speak to people on this site who have had an SAH as you can tell me what it felt like when you were recovering and make me a bit more understanding as to Richards position. I tell Richard that my life has been changed too and he apologises but then I feel bad as he shouldn't be apologising. He didn't ask for this to happen to him.

I'm going to stop going on now as I can feel myself welling up again and I need t get the kids out of bed.

Thanks.

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Aw thats nice he phoned you back, it really is just how he is I think, I went through all that about not seeing myself as having a 'disability' the thought of it.....that was then tho, with the help I got in rehab that view changed as I got to grips with what I could & couldnt do....

He maybe feels responsable tho & that a big thing (cos he's a man, sorry guys but its true) they see themselves as indistructable, the bread winner ect......

I hope things settle down.......take care

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