Update on Richard Hickman

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Not posted for a while. Had a horrendous weekend. On Friday, afternoon Rich phoning me constantly to say he wanted to kill himself I had a bit of a breakdown. Mom came round to see if I was OK and suggested perhaps seeing if richards mom and dad would have him saturday to take the pressure off me. Dad couldn't get hold of his mom and dad (pam and tony) so rang his sister. He came back in the house really upset saying that his sister thought it best if I just walked away and my dad said he felt the same way. His siter was going to ring pam and tony to arrange for them to have rich the next day. I spoke to Rich who said he was looking forward to coming home so I rang his dad to say just to bring him home. The argument started then as apparently Richard told his parents I said that if he didn't abide by my rules when he comes home I am going to put him in a home. I ended up hanging up on him. His mom then called my mobile ang I put my mom on which then resulted in some quite hurtful things being said towards me and my family.

Anyway, it all got sorted yesterday but things were said that can't be forgotton. Richard seems to say things that aren't true and seem to be landing me in a whole heap of trouble. The end result is that I said what I have said all along and that is that rich will come home and I will see how things go - I can;t do any more then that.

Sorry to bother you all with this when peope have their own problems but just want to get it off my chest.

Zoe

[Mace]

Oh Zoe, I'm so sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having - I think you are doing amazingly well, and am glad you have this site to come to and get thinks off your chest.

I don't have the answer for you, but from what you say I think it's time to have a round-table meeting with the rehab team, Richard, you, your parents and Richards parents so that you can all have a safe place to air your feelings - and particularly so that Richard can begin to accept what effect his behaviour is having on all of you.

No-one would blame you if you walked away, and it must be so tempting, but you clearly need more professional support that it appears you are receiving.

I don't know what else to say, but to wish you and your little family all the best.

Take care,

Mace x

[Karen]

Hi Zoe,

Sounds as though you need a lot more support to be able to deal with Richard's care .... would definitely get the family to help more with some respite for you, in order that you keep your own sanity!

Only you can decide what you want to do and only you know what you can cope with, but you do need some back up.

Noting what you said about Rich and his comments to his family, which were inaccurate, have you heard of a condition called Confabulation, resulting from brain injury? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confabulation

http://www.memorylossonline.com/glossary/confabulation.html

Feel for you Zoe and sending hugs....xx

[Tina]

Hi Zoe ....sending you hugs...i so feel for you. I agree with Mace and Karen....get all your family together with Richard, and maybe your GP. You definitely need more help and support...it is a huge thing to try and go through with out help and support...you also need time out. Really hope things get sorted for you...thinking of you, take care love Tina xx

[Louise]

Hi there

I was going to say that all this is coming from the brain but you definatly need to explain this to the hospital, & like Tina suggested maybe get all the family together with the GP/consultant to see what can be done.

The thing you all have to remember is that its the change in the Brain so try not to take things to heart.

dont know if that helps but sending you huge hugs.

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Zoe,

Richards family seem to have suggested you can 'walk away' a couple of times. Obviously they love their son/brother very much and want the best for him. Maybe he could have a couple of home visits with them to help him realise how life would be if he didn't have you and the children. It might be a useful exercise for his family too, in that they will see the physical and emotional challenges of what you are going through. My guess is, that although he cannot help a lot of his behaviour and how he feels at the moment, I do believe that after SAH perhaps we all push those closest to us way too far and could probably show some restraint with others if our 'punch bag' is not available.

Take care xx

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Had Richard goal planning meeting today. The hospital have said they have done all they can with Richard so we were going with the view to getting him home and they have suggested sending nhim to another place where they can work on his cognitive problems. For the last month he has been told he is heading home so this was a big setback. However, after a lot of disciussion we have decided that itn is in Richard's best interests to come home. He is very depressed and just misses his family so much. He will have his Saturday visit this week then next Friday he will come home and stop the night to see how we get on. We will then do this a couple of times before he can come home. I had been really worried about him coming home but now feel happier - done a bit of soul searching and realised that he is still the same person I fell in love with.

Had an assessment this week to see if we qualify for a Disabled Facilities Grant and we can so we will be having a stairlift installed and a few adjustments made in the bathroom.

Downside this week was that Richards Statutory Sick Pay ended (knew it was soon - just not quite this soon) so now have to manage on just my part time wage and our tax credits. Need to fill in form for ESA and am off to Citizens Advice in 2 weeks to fill in form for Disability Living Allowance. You have to have a quick assessment with CAB to see if they can help you complete forms as if your income is over so much they can't. Anyway, feel like things are moving forward now.

[johntaras]

Zoe and Richard it is so good to hear from you tonight. I was worried you had not been about for a while and I have not seen you in the street.

It is great news about Richard, a light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad to hear that through all the strife you have seen the old Richard is still there. I am pleased that you are being given the support for the house modifications that you are entitled to. The CAB will help with the forms for the ESA, if not there is a number of websites that offer free advice on how to complete the forms successfully. I have been down the ESA road and am currently appealing their decision.

I hope the visit goes well and Richard makes further progress.

Take care of yourself.

[paul99]

hi zoe

i have just refreshed myself on Richards thread i am alarmed at what ive read has the hospital referred Richard to a councilor which i would have thought by his statements to you i am also worried about you with young children in the house this is going to run you into the ground unless proper arrangements are put in place before Richard comes home also the stair lift needs to be in place as well if you stopped work to look after Richard will the funding be enough to give you both a decent standard of living

with the 24 hour care i take it they will provide a night watchman to check on richard while you sleep im glad you have said richard is still the man you fell in love with im pleased just remember you have my umber anytime take care sweetheart

[maggie]

Hi Zoe I really hope you get alot of support when Richard comes home ,you must remember to look after yourself Zoe you have alot on your plate and will need all the strength you can mustre. Good luck and keep us posted. Big Hugs xxx

[JayKay]

hi zoe

i have just refreshed myself on Richards thread i am alarmed at what ive read has the hospital referred Richard to a councilor which i would have thought by his statements to you i am also worried about you with young children in the house this is going to run you into the ground unless proper arrangements are put in place before Richard comes home also the stair lift needs to be in place as well if you stopped work to look after Richard will the funding be enough to give you both a decent standard of living

with the 24 hour care i take it they will provide a night watchman to check on richard while you sleep im glad you have said richard is still the man you fell in love with im pleased just remember you have my umber anytime take care sweetheart

I'm with Paul on this one. I'm so pleased you know he's still the man you fell in love with, but the fact is he is also different now. You must NOT let the hospital browbeat you into having Rich home before everything is in place to help you. There must be a full care package sorted out before he leaves hospital. It's one thing to say what's best for Rich, but what is best for the rest of the family?

Have you been put in touch with the social worker? Ours was lovely (at the hospital) and I didn't have half the issues that Rich has now. I'm also so glad you got the grant - I was going to suggest going down that route.

You take care now, and if I can ever be of help, you can PM me for a moan, ok? xxx

[Louise]

Hi Zoe

with the rest on this, JayKay in saying dont let the hospital force you into getting Richard home.

And it just not possible to do the care yourself 24/7

But you do seem to be in a better frame of mind so pleased about that at least your giving it a shot. sending you massive hugs.xx

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Thank you all for your concern. The hospital feel that they have done all the rehab they can at the moment with Richard in terms of his mobility. They suggested sending him to another rehab unit where he can work on his memory, concentration etc. I get phone calls regularly from Richard as he very depressed and he begs to be brought home. Taking into account the hospitals suggestion I feel it would be in Richards best interests to come home. He misses me and the kids so much and I think to send him somewhere else would just devastate him.

I am in contact with our social worker who is sorting out the carers - a company called ABICS who deal primarily with people who have suffered brain injuries. They won't just let Richard sit in a chair all day but will take him shopping, cook with him etc. They will come in Monday-Thurs from 8:00 till 2:00 whilst I am working. We are hoping initially to send him to Headway in Shrewsbury on a Friday which is my day off with a view to increasing it to twice a week.

I will then care for Richard the remainder of the time and at nights. Initially, Rich will have to sleep downstairs as the stairlift won't be in until Christmas time but I am getting all sorts of sensors etc that will alert me if Rich tries to leave the house, get up the stairs etc.

I am worried about how things will pan out as it is a big responsibilty to have him home but I have explained that a lot of trust is needed as I will trust him not to leave the house, etc.

Luke is looking forward to daddy coming home, Xara isn't so sure but I will make sure there are times she can have time away from the house (dance class, brownies etc) so hopefully things will settle down.

I know on paper the above sounds the ideal plan and I am certain there will be problems but this is the next stage in our lives together and we will battle our way through.

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Zoe,

It's lovely to hear you sounding so much happier & more positive. Lots of luck with having Richard back home. It's good there is some help being put in place and that you can continue to work. Although it is 'working' it will probably be good for you to have some time away from being a mother and a carer and will hopefully help you to keep some 'normality' in your life.

Wishing you, Richard and the children all the best xx

[Vivien]

Good Luck with this stage of Richards recovery, I hope it all goes smoothly.

Don't forget to look after yourself as well

Vivien

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Richard came last Friday and stopped at home for the night. I was worried but things went fine. It has however, made me realise how much life will change when he comes home for good.

The biggest problem at the moment is that all he wants to do is lie in bed all day. We cannot get him motivated to do anything or go anywhere. He won't play games with the kids. I came home from work yesterday as all I kept doing was crying. Having him home was lovely and felt right but just so worried that I won;t be able to do things with kids as I cannot leave Rich alone so if he refuses to go anywhere the kids will suffer.

If anyone has any ideas on things we could try it would be appreciated. People who have been through the same may be able to tell me why he is being like this.

Thanks

[Mace]

Bless you Zoe, you are doing marvellously but I can understand why you are so upset.

You mentioned a firm called ABICS who will occupy Richard with shopping etc. - when do they start working with Richard? I would suggest that they are involved as soon as so there is an easy transition from his rehab staff to ABICS - perhaps you can enquire about that?

Apart from that I am at a loss, as I have not been in your position - but we do have some carers on this forum who I am sure will chip in.

At the end of the day, the children surely must be your primary concern and I am sure you are protecting their interests to the best of your ability - you sound to me like a really great mother and wife.

Sorry I can't be of more help, but know that you are in our thoughts,

Take care of your little family,

Mace x

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Zoe,

maybe it will take time for Richard to adjust to being at home again. I think you said in an earlier post that he wouldn't participate much with others in the hospital where he has been for such a long time and it hasn't occurred to him yet that when he is back at home full time he can have a say in what activities he'd like to do rather than have to attend what is on offer by the staff?

I know that I sometimes don't click that I'll feel better if I do something. It's as if the part of the brain that used to have ideas doesn't always work any more. As an example (and I realise that Richard has been more badly affected than I have) I kept thinking 'the kitchen bin stinks' but until someone else commented on it, my brain didn't think to empty & wash it. I know this sounds very simple but it might be a simplified version of what Richard is going through?

I hope others are able to offer better advice!!

[paul99]

hi zoe

i think you need to bring this up at the rehab center and try and get the carers involved before richard comes home you are taking on a mammoth task and you have to think of the children and yourself we wouldn't want you to be flagging three months down the line because things are getting out of hand god forbid has the rehab asked for Richard to have councilling before he comes home because you don't want him wallowing in self pity and getting you to do everything while he stays in bed it would be lovely if he does try to help and try and do whatever he can for himself

both you and the children are a little more important and so is your welfare i know you want to try and do things together god there are times i wish lin would but its going to be hard 24/7 and you cant tear yourself into three you will need your space and the children will need to be children are they putting in a respite time for you to have a break when Richard comes home full time what will happen if you cant manage Richard or Richard gets stroppy im sorry for bringing this up zoe you have gone through so much as i have but im worried for you it seems as if your being pressurized in taking Richard home please don't hate me for saying that but im worried for you and the children their lives will change if i read your previous posts correctly and it may affect them i hope not but sitting outside the box so to speak all my fears that i have about lin are coming to light by what you are going through i hope you can get promises in writing before they release richard to you so you can scream for help if and when you need it sweetheart take care you have my number hugs and cuddles sweetheart the only thing that i can relate to is that IS richard suffering from depression i know that hormones are changed big time after an sah and that he could slide into depression and not realize it hence the somber mood he is in not wanting to take part in anything

Edited November 9, 2010 by paul99

[JayKay]

Aw Zoe, it all sounds lovely on paper, but like Paul, I don't want to be a party pooper but you definitely need to have respite time built in, and help if it goes pear-shaped. I really hope you don't hate me for it, because I'm rooting for you, really I am!! I am crossing everything for you. Take care!

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

It does sound good on paper doesn't it.

Richard came home this weekend and stopped Friday and Saturday night. I found it tiring as I don't really sleep much with him being downstairs but the stair lift should be in early january so this will be better getting him upstairs.

On Saturday night we went for a meal wirth his parents and sister, brother in law and nephew. It was a place where there is a kids play area and he enjoyed being able to watch the kids play. We went then for a meal and he scoffed his scampi down. Didn't do much Sunday. Played a word game with the kids which he managed about 15 mins before his concentration went but Xara really enjoyed it.

Coming again for 2 nights this weekend and the plan is that Monday morning the carers will come so we can have a trial run so fingers crossed for this. On Saturday his brother in law and nephew are taking him to see out local team Telford Utd play - he is really looking forward to this.

His anti-depressants have been changed and this seems to have improved his mood. He also only asked for fags twice over the weekend so hopefully he is realising that he no longer smokes.

Anyway, going to go now and see if I can get than son of mine into bed.

Take care everyone.

[Tina]

Hi Zoe so glad all went well for you sounds really positive...take care love Tina xx

[KelBel]

Hi Zoe

That sounds like you had a really good weekend with Richard. Hope you have another good one this weekend and the trial run goes well with the carers.

Things seem to be looking up for you guys now and you so deserve it as you have been amazing.

Take care

Kel x

[paul99]

hi zoe

im really so pleased that things have been good for you and Richard and that the family are stepping in to help i know what you mean by being unable to sleep with Richard downstairs i can really hope the carers step in and give you some very much needed support i have my fingers and toes crossed for both of you just remember we are here anytime hugs and cuddles sweetheart regards to Richard

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Been a busy week.

On Thursday we had Richards latest goal planning meeting. We were hoping to get a discharge date in December but they have said the 13th January. However, he will be home for 4 days over Xmas then back at hospital for 2 days then home again New Years Eve for good - we then have to go back on13th Jan for his official discharge. The carers have said they can't come in for the 4 days a week until January but we are hoping they may be able to do a couple of Mondays in december. Richard is obviously very upset as he was convinced at the meeting they would say he come home straight away.

Had a visit this week from the Stannah man for the stairlift and he has to come back Monday to take some accurate measurements. We have curved stairs at the bottom but also not much room in the hall and he thinks things will be tight. No problems, they can take down the porch Rich built, knock part of the wall at the front of the house down, rebuild it all and put in straight stairs.

Form has gone in for Disability Living Allowance so just have to wait for the to sort this and have the form ready for ESA which I really need to get a wriggle on and complete. It has just been mad the last couple of weeks and now Xmas is approaching I have various school concerts, carol services etc to go to. My little man Luke goes to school on Monday for a practice half day so feel a bit down that he is growing up and will start school proper in January. Had things gone to plan me and Rich could well have had a new baby by now and at the moment am struggling to come to terms with the fact that realistically this will not happen now.

On the plus side finally met John's Julie today at the craft fair at the hospital and had a nice chat with them both.

Take care all xx:-D