Depression and moving forward

[Bill B]

Hi Jod -Dee and Sandi K.

Thanks for bothering to reply it means a lot to know someone out there is listening.

First of all ,Sandi, you are very perceptive, in a subtle way, alcohol is not helping me at the moment and in three weeks time I am committed to a re-hab programme that I hope will rid me of this useless walking stick. It's three weeks until the end of term, and then I have all summer to become clean.

My SAH was also in the "rear connective artery", where the emotion is policed,which may have something to do with all this mess.

Jod- dee, you are also correct about being kinder to ourselves, and the acceptance of medication, ( which I have refused in the past). I am sick of either being, ecstatically high or barely- functional low. I crave the life I had before the SAH but know it cannot be.

I have an appointment with my GP on Friday (arranged last week) but was told , by my wife,who works with him, that he was rushed to hospital two days ago with a suspected SAH.(It will be his third). So I will have to see a Locum doctor who knows nothing of me, or SAHs, and will probably be told that I am depressed and prescribed some mind- leveling drug that will rob me of myself.

It's like a Kafka novel , where circumstances conspire to derail you.

Sometimes it's easier just to drink and forget.

This summer I'm going to beat it, I can't face another year of dreamless sleep and pathetic denial.

I feel better already, having got all that off my chest.

Thanks for being there....all of you.

Bill B. x

[Sandi K]

Bill, it sounds like you are on the right track to better health. Joining this site was a great step in the right direction. If I remember correctly this is the first place you've allowed yourself to "talk" about how you feel. It's great that you are opening up because it makes your feelings real.

I've never been a steady drinker but I've been known to have too many martinis or mojitos in one go every few months. I haven't done that since my NASAH last November. I'm too scared to mess with my brain.

I am also scared of medication and I've turned it down. I've been really lucky though, I have bouts of fatigue and have had emotional weeks/months from the NASAH but nothing that has lasted. If you need medication to help you through it you should just do it. Many people on this site have found that medication has helped them through tough patches. If I felt I needed more help I would accept the offer of meds.

It's a brave thing you are doing by going into rehab. You are really trying to better your quality of life and that's admirable. Life is different after an SAH, we all have to try and make it better than it was before. It's an opportunity for us to make changes.

Sandi K.

[maggie]

Bill I think your very brave, you write with such poignancy and honesty I am sure your touching a chord with many of us in one way or another.

I have grieved for the life I once had and the promise of a life I had planned for the past two and a half years! Your post has helped me realize that I am actually still grieving!

Having to face up to what I have lost and move on is something that I have avoided doing for far too long , avoidance has almost become a comfort blanket.I have been too scared to make changes - that would be an admission that all the things I had planned for my retirement could not be fulfilled.

I had forgotten my resolve that whilst I knew i'd never be the same as before I could be as good as if not better! I just have to tweek my plans and try to make a compromise that would fulfill my dreams.

THANK YOU for your honesty.

[Karen]

Bill, your posts are honest and beautifully expressed .... I, like you, have the double vision and have balance problems. You're a few months further on with your SAH than me, but I know that to have constant reminders and constraints is something that is still hard to deal with and to accept on a daily basis, even many years post SAH and poses a huge amount of frustration.

I'm yet to find a magic answer to all things SAH and it's fallout ....I still try to deal or work with it, on a day to day basis ... I suppose it's a coping mechanism as to not looking too far forward.... there's not a day that goes by, where my body/brain allows me to forget.

I hope that all goes well for you with the re-hab programme and it's good that you feel that you can open up on here and that's what it's all about. Keep talking....

Hugs, K xx

[Skippy]

Hey Bill

You remind me of me in my earlier days - I actually said to my husband that I could see why people turn to drink and drugs to help them through. I kind of went on benders for a few months after the SAH as it did take the pain away and helped me forget that i was different to how I was before - the down side is that alcohol is a depressant - so even though when you've had a few everything seems great, when you sober up things seem a hell of a lot worse than before.

I was offer anti-deps and also refused them - not because of stigma but, like you, didn't wnat any more of me taking away than already had been. It has been a hard time and now nearly five years on, things are better. It is all about the acceptance and letting yourself grieve for the person you were and trying to embrace the person you have become. I feel I'm probably a better, improved version of me from an emotional side but the physical restrictions (like Jod-Dee said about exercise) get me down. I used to be active - jogging, swimming and step aerobics twice a week, but now I can barely swim a length of the swimming pool without being tired - ironically enough when I'm in Cornwall I can walk forever:roll:

We're all here for you to help you through this hard time and please don't give up hope - stay strong and determined and you'll get through that tunnel (I felt like that everyday for a few months after too).

Take care of you

[Bill B]

Thanks everyone.

I'm not used to being the centre of attention (except in the classroom,where I have to be).

I know that I am just one of many, on this site, who have these physical and emotional problems and should be further along the road to recovery than most, as it's seven years since the bleed. I suppose that my problem, all along, has been my denial and refusal of offers of help.

When you spend most of your adult life in control of things, at work, sport and at home, it's really difficult to become to accept the kind of help that I used to dispense.

I spent today at the funeral of Lance - Corporal Martin Gill (22) at the

Good Sheppard Church, in Arnold, and then with the family and friends at a pub in Carlton.

Talking with the family, whom I have known for years, made me feel very humble.

Who am I to moan...I'm still here. They all asked me how I was getting on and were glad I was OK. I just drank Coke, despite the offers, and told them all that drinking was in the past. I hope it really is, because I have a future,of sorts, and Martin doesn't. It was a very emotional day and I am exhausted now, so thanks again for your support, it is a lifeline.

P.S. two different people said to me, this afternoon, "go on, just have one, your no fun when your sober". What can you do eh? It's not going to be easy.

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Bill B. X

[Lin-lin]

Hey Bill,

I can see some positives in what you write, even if you perhaps don’t identify with them, at least yet. It is good that there are no environmental factors which are causing you concern. When we feel emotionally drained; it is usually difficult to deal with problems at work, stresses with relationships and family politics. How fortunate that the environment around you is operating well, which means you can invest all your energies in your emotions.

I think it is a good thing that you have recorded your feelings here, particularly if this disclosure is not something you would done before. For my part, battling depression without sharing my thoughts with others would make the recovery all the more difficult.

It is a matter for you whether you disclose your depression to your family. We are all different. My strategy is a ‘no holds barred’ approach with my boyfriend first and foremost, and my parents and boyfriend’s parents help me too. I find this ‘protective circle’ a big source of comfort.

I was never depressed before my SAH, so I do consider my experiences post SAH to have caused it. A SAH is a brain injury after all, so we are bound to be feeling the after shocks, even if we had no psychological vulnerability before.

If there can be advantages to the timing of this, I suppose it is fortunate that you can make good use of the summer holidays. It will be a good thing to not have to deal with work pressures for the time being.

Like you, I also crave my life before my SAH. I used to list one of my hobbies pre SAH as ‘laughing until my face hurts.’ I have not done this since my SAH and I miss it.

I cannot listen to music, visit certain friends and visit my nearest town all because of the happy memories which are churned up. I can get quite bitter about this, particularly when I hear of family/ friends/ boyfriend, enjoying nights out and weekends away. I feel that I am observing others living and to be honest, it is no fun.

In two weeks time, I will be attending Headway and speaking to a neuro psychologist. I think my problems are deeper than depression. I genuinely believe that I have some problem with my emotions. I don’t think I am depressed at present, but I just can’t seem to tune into any joy at all.

I have lovely, supportive people around me and when in their company, I can see their happiness. They make me laugh, I can even make them laugh; and ostensibly, I interact ‘fine.’ But I cannot experience, nor seem to identify with happiness as an emotion. It is not that I am sad, but I am not happy either. For this reason, I will not be discussing matters with my GP… I think this is one for the psychologist! Do you have an opportunity to speak to one? Can you contact your local Headway for example?

I will let you know how my chat with the psychologist goes. Maybe there are parallels with what you’re experiencing.

I hope this week will be kind to you.

Lynne

[Bill B]

Hi Lynne.

Failure to connect with emotion is exactly what I identify as depression.

Not sad or happy, just distant. An outsider who has not been invited to the party.

Lynne, if you think it's something deeper than depression, something related to your bleed, then you do need to seek the help of a psychologist.

Was your SAH in the rear connective artery? It seems that people who experience a bleed in this area have more problems with emotions and depression.

I certainly have problems with my emotions (since the bleed,not before) and would gladly discuss this with someone if I thought it would help. I would like to know how you get on.

The pretense of joining in with the fun is something I recognize, and I even take over sometimes and go into Hyper- drive, delivering tirades of outraged political venom

(usually when I've had a drink) but it brings no joy to me. People laugh all the more when I stay deadpan, as if it's a comic tool.

It is not, I really don't care , and am really, not amused.

I refer you to my earlier post....." you are no fun when you're sober".

None of it works when I'm sober, so this is probably why I drink, so I can let loose and be popular.

Pathetic isn't it?

Things are changing for me now, since becoming a member on this site.

I have started to deconstruct all my defenses and will, hopefully, find out who I have become in my new reality.

I bought a new shirt today. My wife was amazed, and said " You never buy clothes, what's happened?"

I said, " I'm just trying something different".

Good luck Lynne, between us, we'll come up with the answer.

Bill B. x

[Skippy]

Hey Bill

I'm not completely sure exactly where my bleed was, just that it was affecting my emotions. I had counselling very early on and luckily enough was referred by Gp to an inhouse therapist. It helped me a great deal to talk about everything - mainly it boiled down to me feeling guilty for putting my family through everything and having to rely on them and others where I never had to before - I was totally in control - my husband and I run a graphic design company and I used to know what artworks had come in to the studio when, who they were from, what they needed doing to them and when they had to be back - I co-ordinated a 45 piece artwork project for South Africa from brief through artwork to print - I couldn't do that now - I still hate that I can't be as efficient as I was but I've come to accept my limits and stop beating myself up for something that was out of my control and absolutely not my fault.

As for the person who told you you're no fun when you're sober - they're the "friends" you can do without.

Take care of you

[Karen]

Hi Bill,

I'm sure that your sense of humour is still lurking somewhere in the background and you will eventually find it, without needing a drink .... it's probably that you've just associated the two together, as being part and parcel of each other. I can see your humour on here and the care that you take, when you write.

I'm afraid to say, that people have to take me as they find me, I was never the life and soul of the party before the SAH and a quietish type of person, so I ain't going to change post SAH! ... I do enjoy a good time and a laugh, even though I might seem quieter than the rest or a bit boring ....you can't change who you are and we all have good qualities and strengths as individuals ... as for the popularity vote, then I would never win it ... I'm just me and if people find me boring, then that's fine, as I quite like myself .... well, most of the time anyway ... mind you, I am a typical Virgo and very self critical!

You're certainly not boring and that's not my impression of you on here .... in fact, you sound like a very interesting character, very artistic and a person that's very aware of who they are. Don't let other people define you and if anybody thinks that you're no fun when sober, then they're not the sort of people that you need around you. xx

[Bill B]

Hi Karen and Skippy.

Thanks for your kind words, as usual, insightful and true.

You are both echoing my GP's advice about changing the entrenched habits of my former life.

It has already begun, as I have lost contact with my former footballing teammates

( and the competitive drinking culture that went along with celebrating victories or drowning defeat)

Most of my friends now, are world weary, cynical , yet wise, grandfathers, cruising towards retirement. The one thing that we all have in common, is me.

It was me who befriended them all , one by one as they turned up as strangers in my local. I was frowned upon for including them in the conversation, but over time, the conversations continued, even when I was not there. These friends look after me and tell me when I need to wind it in. It is what I refer to as "cold friends" who encourage the behaviors that amused them in the past. They don't know me well enough, or care enough, to suggest anything different. I don't blame them, but I do know they are not real friends, just acquaintances from a former life.

Karen, if you could imagine Alan Bennet talking to Ian Hislop, Foggy and Compo, that about sums them up.

You would be like Dame Edna Everage in their company. You don't come across as boring, just considered and articulate in your thoughts, and that's a very different thing.

Skippy,you know the pressure of conceiving and producing an artistic project, so will be well aware of the fear of failure that haunts any one who dares to produce original works. You have, sensibly, withdrawn from that pressure and perhaps that's what I should do for a while. That "limited time " feeling has driven me to juggle several projects at once (all nearly finished now) so maybe it's time to take the pan off the boil, and relax a bit, until the equilibrium returns. Perhaps ,in time you can return to some of the work that is, as you know, so rewarding when it is successful.

Thanks for your time,

And advice.

Bill B. X

[winter]

Hi Bill! Pretty sure I never greeted you properly when you 1st joined the site ! I am so glad you have joined us here, as it has been a lifeline for me, as well as many others. We are all here for one another - with empathy and caring minus any judgement!

I did read your story, which was so well done and honest! Thank you for sharing your life and current circumstances now. It does take a lot of courage to let it all out, and once done, help seems to pour in on this site Thanks to everyone here!!!

I've struggled with chronic depression since I was about 14 or so. Have had cognitive behavior therapy and counseling many times (which was always helpful and helped me "think" in a new way). I didn't start medications 'til I was 30 and OMG, what a difference it made for me. Realistically, it saved my life. I've had periods where I was off meds and did ok for 6 mo. at a time. Then the depression would sneak in and take hold once again. I've always functioned, while I had 2 children and a job and had to keep going. Hence, the meds weren't mind-altering for me, but allowed me to feel "normal" and not empty.

After the SAH, my medications have needed to be adjusted several different times, and I now take several different ones. I still go through some major bouts where that horrible monster lurks all around me, and my life circumstances certainly haven't helped.

My partner is an alcoholic, and I have 2 sisters who were also alcolholic/drug addicts (both of whom are now and have been sober/clean for over 25 years - there is always hope!!!) I, obviously, have been the co-dependant/caretaker type. I do understand the struggle and guilt that comes with addictions. It is the hardest thing to come to grips with and then take action to change. The after effects of SAH only add to the challenges in your life.

I do believe you are a VERY strong man and you will get through the re-hab with positive results and a new outlook on life!!! Good for you - I admire your strength and courage to move forward with your plans.

I wish you alll the best and look forward to hearing much more from you. Remember, you are not alone in this. We are all here to help and support you through these challenging times!

Hugs from across the pond,

Carolyn

[Bill B]

Hi Carolyn.

Thanks for your greeting and the candor of your response.

I'm glad I'm here as well, as I see this site as my path to redemption.

Strength is dependent on context.

At work, I am the consummate professional, strong for my learners and colleagues.

No-one would guess the turmoil beneath the surface.

My only decision filter is "what is best for the learner". This is what gives me the clarity to cut through all the political- correctness and short -term thinking that infests the education system in the U.K. at this present time.

Translating the confidence and surety into my private life is where I fall down.

You, more than anyone I have corresponded with on this site, will understand the day by day battle that is fought by substance dependent people, desperate to free themselves of the all- consuming tyrant that demands attention.

I feel like I am two people within the same body.

One is strong , articulate, creative and kind.

The other is selfish, destructive and intolerant of others, who are just like me.

Undoubtedly, the SAH has made everything worse, or at the very least pulled all the negativity into focus.

Every body knows what is best for me, but you will know, that banishing the scaffolding of thirty years of a self acclaiming lifestyle, is life-changing hard.

My GP hasn't sent the letter to the Priory. Not his fault, as he was taken into hospital last week with a suspected SAH. So I don't know where I am as regards to Re-hab (That Kafka novel again!)

No matter, as I have begun the re- hab without them, after all, it's all from within anyway.

Your support, and the kind words from all on this site have given me something that I really needed.

My family and friends have given me this support before, but to receive it from strangers,who have nothing invested in my future, is, some how, more poignant,if that makes any sense?

It's an extra strength, undeserved, but gratefully accepted.

Thank you.

Bill B x