Back To Work

[Louise]

Hi David

dont really contribute to this thead as I was never able to manage back to work - but I so take my hat off to those that try & manage.

But think you've answered it yourself

I push myself and work to the point of total exhaustion

, David is it all really worth 'that'

There are some of us that will always have the fatigue thing its how we've been left but pushing yourself to exhaustion isnt the answer - I dont think anyway....

Take care

[Gill C]

Hi David

dont really contribute to this thead as I was never able to manage back to work - but I so take my hat off to those that try & manage.

But think you've answered it yourself , David is it all really worth 'that'

There are some of us that will always have the fatigue thing its how we've been left but pushing yourself to exhaustion isnt the answer - I dont think anyway....

Take care

I'm with louise on this, I haven't even attempted to go back to work, 2 hours of the computer course i did had me in tears of exhaustion on the way back to the car. I don't think any job is worth sacrificing your health for (I am know I am lucky that we are going to see if we can manage without the extra money & thats not the same for a lot of people) so if there are options I would def consider them seriously

[Louise]

Thanks Gill, yeh its deff not easy & now Ronnie (husband) isnt working its tough but even then for me its really not worth it:roll:

[Sandi K]

I have asked the same question of myself many times: can you hurt yourself by pressing on through the fatigue? Or is the fatigue creating a myriad of symptoms meant to slow us down but not really lead to anything bad?

 

For me the the weirdo symptoms accumulate and escalate as I press on. I think that's a sign that things will continue to get worse until who knows what. In my case I don't expect another brain bleed but don't know what to expect. The symptoms ease up with rest. That tells me I need rest.

But I also believe in the concept of what Sami is saying. The idea of keep going and you will get through it. It's a very tricky balance and the real trick is finding the right balance for each person.

 

I'm very lucky and so very appreciative of working in a supportive environment. I know it's not the same for everyone here and I'm humbled by being given another opportunity to rest and recover. I don't take it lightly. I think of everyone here in this thread who is making every effort to get back to that full paycheque and more importantly, that 'normal' routine of everyday life pre-SAH. Having that perspective means I'm going to make the most of this time. I'm going to do everything I can to bring my brain back as far as it will come. My focus is on recovery now.

 

Last time I was off my focus was on 'getting back to work'. Now my focus is on 'recovery'. Work will follow. Right now my new 'job' is recovering from a NASAH.

Also keeping a very open mind that recovery may mean that my brain will never be what it was and that I may be using much of this time to get comfortable with that idea and finally go through the stage of acceptance.

Sandi K.

[winter]

Hi guys. Not sure I've posted on this thread yet, although I've been reading all along the way.

Agree with what Sami and Sandi and lots of you have said. It definitely is a fine line we walk...finding the balance and staying with it.

 

I believe I went back to work way too soon. I think it was about 6 weeks post SAH. Although it was phased return, I found the more hours I put in, the more fatigued I became and the headaches and other symptoms increased. I pressed on until I finally realized I could no longer function as a lic. massage therapist. I felt so grateful when after several months, a receptionist position came open at our office. I thought it would be a piece of cake - I'd been the office manager, receptionist, massage therapist, everything - when we first opened the office, so how hard could it be?

 

I found that the constant ringing of phones, scheduling appts., dealing with patients, entering data, - multi-tasking, was even harder on the brain than the physical job I'd been doing! This was a major set back for me at the time. Still, I continued on, even working up to 35 and 40 hrs some weeks. The migraines, fatigue, body aches, depression - all of it was horrible. I didn't want to admit defeat and just kept thinking that surely things would get better, I'd get used to it, adjust - life would go back to normal!

 

Then, toward the end of that year - WHAM!!! I was laid off. The owner decided to eliminate the receptionist position. I was gutted, angry, hurt to think that after 10 years of hard work and going above and beyond for the company and every patient who walked through that door, that the owner would just toss me out like she did!

 

Well, it was really a blessing in disguise!!! While I loved my work and helping patients in their recoveries, I didn't love the owner of the company and the way she ran things. I also realized I had been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion most days and my quality of life was pretty nil. My home life wasn't much better either.

 

The months that I've been able to "not" work, have been good in a lot of different ways. Not having any sort of income, well... that's not good and has caused a lot of stress, however; I have been so very fortunate to have wonderful people who've taken me into their homes and given me shelter, cared for me in ways that my ex was incapable of.

 

I still get fatigued, still have problems with my feet and legs swelling - have appt. to check that at end of month, and still am dealing with depression. I've gotten through many things in my life, and I know I'll get through this and find the perfect job where I can provide for myself and feel useful, once again.

The cookie business has been fun, but at the same time, has not been very profitable! It's also a lot of work!!! Who knew baking cookies every day would tire you out?! Plus, I put a lot of pressure on myself, which then causes stress, etc... I am my worst enemy. But I can also be my greatest supporter

 

In short, I am determined to find my place in the work force. It may take a while, but I will get there.

Didn't mean to go on so... Just want to say, I too, am so proud of all of you - whether you work outside of your homes or not. We all have had to make the decisions that are best for us in our situations and we are all worthy survivors and deserve the best!

Hugs to everyone

[goldfish.girl]

Hmmm....I am going to seem like the Grim Reaper here.....

I agree with so much that has been said. It is so very important to keep trying and that for some people, your body & mind will build up strength and stamina and working as you used to will get easier the more you try and push yourself and the amount of time you give it.

It is also very important to be aware that for others the fatigue & the permanent cognitive issues are exactly that - permanent.

 

It is great to see all the encouragement that others on BTG can offer & their own struggle has paid off so well which is fantastic. For many people the outcome will be the same. For others, it won't no matter how hard they have tried, how much of a fighter they are etc, etc, etc. I think time is the validator. Give it LOTS of time along with positive thinking and effort but remember that sometimes this does not make any difference. If it does, fantastic, if not, don't feel that you have failed. Brain injury affects every person so differently.

 

My only advice would be NEVER give up until you have given it everything you have! I also asked the question after going back to work for 2 years about whether pushing this hard would cause further health issues, the answer I got was that I wouldn't get more ill (brain wise) but that keeping pushing wasn't going to make the brain problems magically go away either....

Michelle x

[Lin-lin]

Wise words Michelle! A healthy return to work extends beyond a desire to do so. There are other considerations.

 

My firm couldn’t offer a phased return which limited my options; but my job was unsuitable post SAH as I was a lawyer. The pace of the job is quick, advocacy is stressful and the margin for error is small. SAH aside, the last time I had a full fortnight off work was in 2001. I know what it’s like to have a strong work history; and what it feels like to lose it all.

 

I do voluntary work now, hoping it will develop to paid work one day. During recovery, I have regrettably pushed myself too hard, but have scaled back. Through working within fatigue, I have improved emotionally.

 

Some people advise time off work to recover; others tell us to push hard at work to get better, but it’s more complex than this.

Consider the job in question. What reasoning is required? Are we allowed breaks? What is the pace? What are the implications of mistakes? Is there a long commute? Will the workplace adapt? Are the bosses supportive?

 

We also need to examine physical / cognitive issues. Returning to work can highlight cognitive problems, making pre injury routines difficult to sustain.

Cognition and fatigue are separate. Pushing through tiredness won’t assist memory, decision making, speed of thought etc. These problems require coping strategies. Tiredness makes cognition worse and this may be a permanent limitation.

 

People also need to consider their dependants. If other people rely on us, this requires extra energy outside work.

A return to work needs to be examined carefully and extends beyond saying ‘yes you can do it,’ or ‘no you can’t.’ There are a host of factors.

 

Let’s say a pilot and a cleaner have the same cognitive problems post SAH. There’s no room for error for the pilot and s/he may be unable to return to work, but the cleaner may still be able to clean. But this is not the only issue. The pilot may not have children and have lots of family support, making it possible to find another job. The cleaner may be a single parent of young children, with no support network and unable to juggle parenting / work as before. The variables are massive.

 

We try to ‘get back to normal’ post injury, but I have no intention of ‘going back.’ I want to move forwards, beyond my ‘old normal’, creating a ‘new normal’ that’s more fulfilling. For me, progress does not mean replicating the past. Instead it means creating an improved future, accepting new circumstances and not forcing myself into past routines which no longer fit.

[Macca]

Hi Lin-lin and Goldfish girl,

I recognise this entirely. My job is also stressful, decisions to be made are many and I have a large commute. Lin-lin, you will have an enormous wealth of knowledge - is there any way you could use this to teach others? That way you have complete control over what and when you do it - ie when you feel well enough? There would be less pressure and the skills you have would be passed to the next generation, generate some income (consultancy?)etc. That would be moving onwards and generating income at the same time.

 

I have just been back at work for a year and am now off sick again whilst hospital investigate my problem. Fatigue is chronic at the moment. I spent an hour and a half in my garden yesterday and feel now as though I 've been hit in the face with a frying pan. I am just so tired this morning!! It isn't just a case of working through it, in my case I just get more tired than I started out being. Working, going to bed and getting up again to go back to work is no life (it is just existing)- because that is what I was doing, I was irritable, not really carrying my weight, and my home life was almost none existent (hats off to my lady for putting up with me!).

 

Enough ranting - it's a beautiful day here, third one in a row although I know it rained a little during the night - yes I was awake again at 3am!.

Hope you are both ok ladies

 

I managed to put my picture up - took me a while to figure it out - don't have nightmares - where did they used to say that? - oh yes Crimewatch ha ha!!

Best wishes

Macca

[Sandi K]

These last few posts are perfect timing, thank you.

Here I am on Monday at home questioning why. Feeling as if I should be at work. Of course I feel rested because I've been in the most restful and invigorating place I know of for the past few days. All that fresh air, no demands of me, lots of napping, watching the waves, wandering the beaches in the sunshine, eating fresh oysters and fish, watching otters and eagles. Of course I'm still carrying that energy with me.

 

Macca, you remind me quickly of why I'm doing this. That's exactly where I was and that's why I'm off now. If I went back to work today I wonder how long it would be before I was back there again. My brain forgets so easily. I want to check my Blackberry but I was asked to leave it behind and my email access was cut off.

 

Lynne, at the 4 month mark my neurologist used a similar example, his was with a lawyer and someone who works on the end of a shovel. I think the remarkable thing is that you recognized and acknowledged your limitations and made huge life changes that better fit for you. I've said it before, I think it's incredible how you've done that.

 

Michelle, if only the professionals would be brave enough to tell us the same thing. Keep trying to see how far you can go but be prepared that you may not be able to do what you did before.

I see the psychologist tomorrow, to help me start thinking forward and not 'back'.

Sandi K. Xoxox

[Macca]

Sandi,

Thank you for your words, I appreciate them very much indeed, and they hold so much more value when they come from someone such as yourself who has lived the experience. I know what you mean about the brain forgetting so easily - I think that's how I came to overdo it yesterday - -I think I must have been about 25 in my head yesterday, but by this morning I was about 75, Ha ha!

 

That must have been great watching the otters - I would have loved that, they're fascinating animals aren't they?

Hope everyone else is keeping well too!!

best wishes

Macca

[MaryB]

Lin & Sandi ~ You both are so helpful and wise. I cannot tell you how much I hang onto your words. I get a montly call from Blue Cross our insurance agency on some kind of wellness check. It is always nice to have that someone there that seems to be truly interested in helping from the outside looking in but it never replaces the support I get here.

 

Although I am off the next 2 days I have to question how far do I or can I push myself between the SAH & fibro. I often feel it dose not matter if I pace myself on good days because I NEED to get stuff done and it is simple as that and it feels so good to the soul for being able to accomplish much in a day. Can you stop by and push me off this chair and point me in the right direction?

[SarahLou]

My dear Mary,

I want you to know that you're such an inspiration to me.

You do not let things hold you back. Your spirit, strength and determination is amazing.

My hat goes off to you, you special lady.

 

Thanks to you I now always have one spare spoon, can't thank you enough for that.

Take care and keep smiling,

SarahLou Xx

[winter]

The last posts, as usual, have been perfectly timed - thanks to GG, Lin, MaryB, Macca, Sandi, SarhaLou! I guess we all will reach a point in our own recoveries when we realize what we are capable of and what we are not. And that will be good enough, jobs well done (pun intended:lol:) That word "acceptance" just popped into my head. It seems to be popping into my head a lot lately - I'm getting there, little baby steps with that too.

 

Someone asked me today if I would be doing the May market (for my cookies). My answer surprised me, as I told the person, "No, I will not." I expected to feel guilt, shame and defeat - once again. But those feelings didn't come!!! I felt relief and ok about it. I don't feel I gave up on it (at least today I don't!) - I gave it my best shot for 3 months, decided it was really too much for me and I'm not going to put myself through the stress anymore. Yay Me!!! I'm proud of what I did - I gave it the old college try, did it, and now I'm moving on to something else - not sure what, but I'll get there

[SarahLou]

Hi Carolyn, you're so right, it is all about acceptance.

Choices only we can make for ourselves because it's us that has to live with it. Finding that line between work and home life is so tough, not an easy thing to do right.

 

I know you woulda given it your all. I also know that wherever lifes journeys will take you now your'll be fine. Your'll find what it is you're searching for, just like I will too, one day.

You're another lady who I admire and who gives me strength. Be very very proud of who you are Carolyn and all that you've achieved.

 

Big hugs to you.

Take care and keep smiling,

SarahLou Xx

[Macca]

Winter,

Thank you for that last post - it made me feel very proud of you - that's what I call progress. Maybe winter is turning into Summer? Well done - I doff my hat to you!!

Macca

[Sandi K]

Feeling a little down today. It's all becoming real. My position is being posted so they can find my replacement.

 

I know it's the best thing but it's still hard. Everyone assumes I'm 'cool with it' so no one has taken any extra time to ensure I'm ok with this. They are plowing ahead. I guess that's the best way but I feel a bit cast aside. My boss said 'don't worry, we will find you an awesome job'. So again I know I'm beyond lucky and will be ok but I can't help feeling a bit sad.

 

It was my office and my dept and we were going in my direction. I don't know what I'll be doing when return to work.

 

Peter says its a good thing, he calls that job the 'widow maker'. He said it was too demanding and he doesn't want me doing it again. I know health wise this is good for me and the right decision. I need to think forward and know that I'll land on my feet and be healthier and happier.

It's still hard!

Sandi K.

[MaryB]

Sorry Sandi, I know how hard that must be. I have a love / hate thing with my job and it is too demanding for me and I certainly do not know how to not work so hard. It may just be the best solution for you. Tell Peter he is right. Mary

[Sandi K]

Thanks Mary. Peter likes anyone who agrees with him about this.

Sandi K.

[cathmat]

hi sandi im sorry to hear about your job , its a bone of contention with me as i love my job but sorry but i agree with mary and peter your health is more important and dont know you but i bet you would be great at anything you do , i hate it when people say it but perhaps its fate and there is an awesome job waiting for you . keep your chin up , Cath x

[anneec]

Hi Sandi

I look forward to your posts as you are always a positive and constructive soul in your answers and comments , so sorry to see you are down today.

 

I had my NASAH 5 years this last Wednesday. I had to give up my profession as an Optometrist after 30 years as my near vision was affected, ironic after 30 years helping folk improve their vision! Few other ongoing probs that I try and work around. I now have a part-time receptionist job at a golf centre and I LOVE it, I had also loved the old job. If I hadn't had the SAH I have no doubt I would still be in the Eye-world, but I truly believe that I am much better in a less stressful job. (Not financially, but just about ticking along so mustn't grumble too much!).

 

I am a great believer in fate though at times I do wonder what its all about, I am sure they will find you a job that will use all your best skills, but not as frantic or stressful. There's more to life....

They obviously still value you. I really wish you all the best,

all good wishes Anne

[goldfish.girl]

Anne, what a great post!

It is so heart warming and encouraging to hear of others who have 'lost' their career & come out of it finding something different that they also love. I am in that situation at the moment & your experience gives me hope.

Thank you

Michelle x

[SarahLou]

Hello Anne,

Your experience and positive attitude also gives me hope and much needed strength.

I've been working in the 'Eye-World' (as you put it!!) for 22yrs and right now I'm very close to the line with it.

 

A big part of me is gutted and broken, I've tried so very hard to get back to how I was before SAH.

Just when I think things are going ok my lil world gets spun again.

I'm pertty much all outta fight and strength, and to be honest maybe I dont even want to fight it any more.

 

I'm feeling a bit low, mopey, very teary, angry , frustrated. Etc etc.

But as ever this site is my bolt hole, you guys let me be honest with my feelings. I don't hide them from you.

 

Going back to work after SAH is so so tough. No one except fellow SAH'ers totally understand that.

Most of the time I have acceptance, but right now I'm broken for all the things I've lost. All the things I'll never get back.

 

In the morning I'll brush myself down and pick myself up, but not right now. I need to listen to some music that haunts my soul and looses me in memories, because right now that's exactly where I wanna be.

 

Sorry for the moan /rant. I want to cry, really cry but I won't let myself.

Big deep breath.

Take care,

SarahLou Xx

[goldfish.girl]

Sarah Lou, and everyone going through the same work related heart break - cry, rant, scream, break things if you have to.....(maybe not while you are at work though ) It is all part of the healing process. My own heart shattered when I finally accepted that my employment (since I was 18 years old) & the associated way of life that went with it was over. None of us can give up our jobs without an almighty battle (internally). It is our money, our life style and our identity, we have no choice but to fight to keep it.

 

It is far too scary to just give up.....And for many people that does not have to happen, they just need more time & understanding from employers as they recover. For others, the type of work they did will not be possible in the future because of the brain injury they suffered....It is fantastic when work colleagues do everything they can to help you but the final acceptance comes when you realise that, without their help, understanding & instinct to protect you from how much you have been affected is not enough to carry you through to retirement age!

 

However, Anne's post gives me hope that a different way of financially supporting ourselves and regaining our self worth IS possible. It's just a matter of facing that awful decision to leave, knowing that what used to be easy is never going to be again....but better things are waiting.......if not financially but maybe altruistically....

Michelle xx

[Sandi K]

Anne, thank you so much for your post. I will come around. I'm never down for long, especially when I read inspirational stories like yours.

 

GG you are right, it is a process and honestly, regardless of understanding the logistics of it all there are still the emotions to deal with aren't there. So true about the job and way of life being tied to our identity.

 

SarahLou, hon I recognize where you are right now. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I hope you are resting and filling your soul with things that invigorate you. Somedays don't you wish we could just make time stand still for awhile? In the quiet.

 

Cath thank you for the words of encouragement. One day I'll look back and read all this and say, 'why was I so worried?!'

 

Sandi K. Xoxoox

[rprice38]

I have just re-negotiated my phased return after a review with occupational health. Like so many other posts about work, is heart- breaking to read your stories. I am desperate to carry on my job as a teacher. I have been doing it for 20 years and is a huge part of my life. I am finding the cognitive challenge very tough but am determined to keep trying. Seeing my job advertised this week was devastating. My Head tells me that I am entitled to my Head of Department job when the doctor says I am fit, but deep down I know he doesn't think I'll be back to a full time role.

 

Now I going to have to back to work in September with someone else in charge. I can't imagine what that will be like. Don't know if I'm better off just leaving and finding something else to do. Have been toying with the idea of setting a business but I'm not much of a risk taker and worry it wouldn't work out?

Has anyone else done anything similar?

Rhiannon