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Before my SAH I worked 21 hours a week over 3 days. My work consisted of a whole lot of computer work (html coding for upkeep of 4 websites, and a weekly e-mail newsletter), graphic design, and office support (e-mails, phones, fax, walk ins) for a busy real estate company on the little island that I live on.

 

Being located on a little island on the beautiful west coast of British Columbia ensures that we get a HUGE influx of new business over the summer months. As a result, as summer was approaching there was some subtle pressure for me to start to work even more than my 21 hours.

Then, I had my PM-NASAH on June 17th.

 

When the dust had settled at the hospital, after several CT scans, they told me I'd had a "little" brain hemorrhage and that I should take 2 weeks off, then start a phased return to work. I could expect to be close to my regular level of activity by 3 months, oh, and I should listen to my body. Then after 3 days they sent me home.

 

Home to my 2 year old and 11 year old daughters! Luckily my mother spent the first bunch of weeks with us, helping out. And, we had nightly deliveries of good nutritious and delicious food for the first 2 weeks.

 

Then, 3 weeks after my SAH I returned to work for 2 - 6 hour shifts. I did that for 2 weeks, (and still did our family camping trip in week 4 :shock:) then I crashed.

Luckily I had just found BTG and was starting to get some useful information on what happened to me and what might and might not work in recovery.

 

I cut back to 2 - 4 hour shifts per week, one at home and one at the office. The office shift includes a good 2 hours of anxiety before I get myself out the door and ready to face ringing phones, sudden direction changes, and people popping into the office (including those dropping by to see "how I'm doing"). I have been tolerating those ok, and I have not gotten any pressure from work to increase my hours. But, at the same time I notice that so much work just isn't getting done and has been put on a shelf to wait until I "come back".

 

I just went in on Wednesday and met with my employer and the executive assistant (my immediate supervisor). I told them about the reality of my situation. I outlined what difficulties I am facing when I am at work (a list of minor cognitive deficits that I pulled off the Traumatic Brain Injury site I found). And, I informed them of my researches on SAH (including the propensity of survivors to start to "feel better" then overdo it as they take on too much again) which lead me to conclude that it will be 9 to 18 months before I start to feel really functional.

 

While I am definitely noticing vast improvement at 2 1/2 months post SAH, and my good days outnumber my bad days. I am also aware that my energy is inconsistent and unreliable. I still can't predict bad days and I am still learning where my limits are, and what are the early warning signs that I'm approaching them, before I hit crash mode.

 

So, back to the meeting on Wednesday where I briefly informed them of the reality of my situation (rather than the lunacy I was told at the hospital) and made a request that I continue to work my 2 - 4 hour shifts, but that I do both of them from home. And, that they hire a temporary replacement to do the office support, for 3 months. After 3 months we will again meet and assess the situation.

Luckily for me, they were very receptive to this proposal. They had thought, when I requested the meeting a week prior, that I was going to resign from my position. I am happy to say that they value me enough as an employee that they are willing to make concessions to support me in my healing journey.

 

I did tell them at one point in the meeting how important those two little shifts each week are to me. I am unable to parent my 2 year old for longer than a few hours (which is a few hours more than a month ago!) and she spends 5 days/week in childcare (she used to be in childcare 2 days/week pre-SAH). Those 2 - 4 hour shifts help me to keep from feeling totally useless. And, they help me to contribute some small amount to our very, very tight (dare I say dire) financial situation.

 

Mags, you asked about the financial repercussions of not working. Yikes! We have trouble even considering them in our house. Not only is there less money coming in, but there is more going out (extra childcare, food we buy that I previously would have grown in the garden, yoga, acupuncture, trips to doctors which involve a ferry, etc, etc). I just have to keep invoking trust as yes, my health is the most important thing right now. Period. I leave no room for buts in that concept.

 

So, I now have 3 months in which to focus on healing. I did want to ask for 6 months (which is what my intuition tells me would be good) but that was just too far beyond my husband's comfort zone and, I suspect, my work's comfort zone. Instead, we will assess after those 3 months. If I still need more I will take it.

 

That is one of the many gifts of having contact with all of you folk here - I get to learn from those who have gone down this road before. I can be mindful of the warnings of doing too much, too soon then suffering the backlash of overextention. Slow and steady wins the race (and haste makes waste...of my brain in this case).

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Hi everyone, how are you all? I wonder how everyone is getting on with work? It's been a long time since I logged onto BTG as last year was rather a challenging time. Happily, things have settled down

My first attempt at returning to work was 10 months post SAH and the occupational doc thought it could take me 6 months to work up to my 35 hours.

 

I was to start with 6 hours a week, over 2 days and not to be consecutive, for the first month. I managed this. I'm an administrator and work with all sorts of computer packages and accuracy is very important. The second month I went up to 12 hours per week and again the days were not to be consecutive. I was managing the work and the hours well and my accuracy was even better than a girl who had just started! I was feeling really good.

 

But my problem was my manager and office supervisor, who put me under huge pressure and were very annoyed about the slow progress of my phased return. I've wrote about this before. I eventually cracked under their pressure and after 11 weeks was signed back of with work related stress and it took 4 months for me to recover from that.

 

Occupational health doc said that it would be detrimental to my health to return to that office and I was redeployed. I work for our NHS. My second attempt to return to work, in this new office, was so much easier. I was now 16 months post SAH. I've not looked back. However, I work for psychologists! I can't imagine a better place to be after having a ruputured aneurysm!

 

I no longer sit in at meetings and take minutes and I can't carry files upstairs to the filing cabinets, the stroke that has affected my left arm leaves it too weak and I drop things. They even bought me an electric stapler (the best invention ever) because I had difficulty using a stapler (I'm left handed). I have gone from strength to strength working here with these lovely people who are so encouraging and supportive.

 

But also, my children are older and my husband is a senior civil servant, so there is no financial pressure on me. It's pressure and stress that really saps your energy. I really do admire the mum's on here who cope with young children (even more so you single mums) and people who are maybe single or breadwinners who feel financial pressures because the bills are still coming in. You are the ones that amaze me (and inspire) with your strength and ability, just how do you do it!

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Just wanted to pop in and say I couldn't agree more with Liz. I went back to work within weeks of the SAH. It took 2 years to realise that it just wasn't working for me anymore. I loved my job & couldn't wait to go back (also as a single parent working part time, mine was the only wage coming in). All of my colleagues were great, they helped me to remember things, were patient & laughed along with me when I forgot things.

 

Then....along came a new 'manager', the stress of being asked to do more & more when I was already struggling was the final straw. I was even moved to solitary confinement (a damp, unused room at the back of the building) as he thought if I was sat alone I would do more work!!!! He was also constantly pressuring me to work full time, which I hadn't done since my 10 year old son was born as he has special needs.

 

It has now been almost a year since I started sick leave and I am awaiting a decision on medical retirement. I have to say it isn't easy and I can only manage financially as my son receives Disability Living Allowance and I receive Carers Allowance. If this was to stop I have no idea how we will manage. I have accepted that I will not be able to return to the type of work I did previously and have no idea what I could manage next (it will definitely be a low paid job though).

 

All I can add is that although reducing hours or having to leave work is very scary, I know I have done the right thing. I was completely unable to cope with anything after work & as a single mum, that just wasn't fair to my son. I think my advice to all would be, things may be very different, but being alive & well has to come first.

 

Good luck to everyone about to try to return to work and especially Sandi for starting this thread for others in the same position to get an idea of how hard things may be.

Michelle xx

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I was desperate to get back to work as I wanted to pretend nothing had happened and to prove to myself that I was coping... fortunately I was warned in no uncertain terms to take 3 months off before I started "easing" myself back in... I am so glad I listened.... don't push yourself too hard, and be clear with others when they're pushing you too much...

xx

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I'm so glad to have so many responses. Going back to work is such a huge milestone after an SAH. It takes so much energy and brainwork which are also required for healing, no wonder it's so hard.

Wednesday my day was too long.

I didn't take my breaks.

I did more than I should have.

 

Thursday I woke up horribly exhausted. I couldn't think straight, nothing made sense, I was forcing myself to function at a higher level than I was capable of which only caused more frustration. Your posts helped me to see that and I eased up on myself by midday and began to rest.

 

Friday I went to work to do my 4 hour shift. I actually did 4.5 hours. The drive was easy, not much traffic. I took my breaks. The first 2 hours I made lots of mistakes and didn't accomplish anything. The latter part of the day I 'woke up' and started making progress. I was tired and my back hurt badly. My head doesn't ache anymore thanks to the epilepsy/migraine meds I'm taking.

 

When I got home I went straight to bed. I slept 10 minutes and the phone rang. The insurance co has scheduled my neuropsych testing on October 3rd and 4th.

Today I'm feeling a bit better. Feeling more positive and I have three days off to get ready for the next work week.

Sandi K.

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Hi Sandi,

Enjoy your 3 days off, do something nice and relaxing, you've worked hard so deserve it.

Thanks again for posting about your return to work, it's giving me a valuable insight to things I may go through when I return to work.

SL Xx

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So pleased you feel better today Sandi. A three day weekend will be a huge help. I think it's great that you are posting this thread about your return - it would've been such a help to me to read all this before I tried to go back. So many people will benefit from reading this!

 

Can I also add that my previous post may have seemed a bit negative to people thinking of a return to work. That was my experience, we all recover to different extents & many people on here have managed a successful return. I didn't intend to put people off but hope that if anyone does have the same experience as I did they won't feel alone or as if they have somehow failed.

Have a good rest Sandi :-D

Michelle xx

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A 3 day weekend was needed and I really relaxed on the holiday Monday. Rested up and prepared for the next day.

This is now the first week I've worked 5 hour shifts and 2 consecutive days. Yes, even after last week's downward spiral I decided to pump it up a notch.

 

Last week was a disaster because I didn't take my breaks, I didnt handle unplanned events well, and I was away from the house for too long on Wednesday. So after a three day weekend I moved my hours up to 5 hours and I worked both Tuesday and wednesday knowing that I must take my breaks and pay attention to how I'm feeling.

 

Unfortunately I developed a headache on tuesday. It was very faint but by Wednesday it wasn't faint anymore. I haven't had headaches in weeks because of the epilepsy/migraine medication I'm on so I was very disappointed to be having a headache.

 

Tuesday I came home, walked the dog, and had a lie down immediately afterward.

Wednesday I was tired but not needing to lie down.

I've also taken on more tasks at work which is stretching my brain.

 

I woke up in slow motion today (Thursday) with a headache. Stayed in bed until 9 and thought I'd be a slug all day. But after having breakfast and sitting in the back garden by the fountain in the peace and quiet my head began to feel better. I decided to try going on the treadmill and 10 minutes in I felt GREAT!! I was overcome with a feeling of joy and happiness to be alive! Love those endorphins! Lol!

I've had a nice relaxing day. The sun is shining and I've had no stress today. This has been a good day off. I'm ready for another 5 hour shift tomorrow. : )

Sandi K.

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I went into work a half hour early on Friday. I adjusted my 5 hour shift to accommodate a meeting so I worked 9-2.

 

I did well until about noon when I was immersed in the budget and spreadsheets and my head began to feel tight and hurt. I found myself going outside and walking around the building twice in an hour instead of once and that did seem to help. When I see people during my walks I tell them I'm "decompressing my brain".

 

I liked this 5 hour shifts week and the two consecutive days and then a day off. I'm going to do it again next week. I'm going to work Monday, Tuesday, take Weds off and then work Thursday and have a three day weekend. This will accommodate some meetings and still give me a break in the week. I'm feeing good about this and hoping to get past the headache soon so I can bump up the hours again. The headache faded before I got home and I don't have it now.

 

Most importantly so far I've learned how important it is to to break away from the task regardless of how much progress you think you are or aren't making. It's not about 'just finishing this page' or 'just finishing this task'. It's about remembering to think about 'how is my head?'. I have trouble doing that while at my desk so I must walk away. Once outside and moving and concentrating on breathing and the smells of outside I can began to think about how my head and my body feel. It calms my brain and when I walk back into my office I'm relaxed and more productive.

Sandi K.

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Hi Sandi,

Wow, you're doing so well. I'm taking notes about a few things as I want to put them forwards as ideas when I get back to work. It seems the little walk around breaks are really helping you and it's tips like that that I'll talk to my manager about.

I don't do an office job, I work in an opticians dispensing eye glasses, contact lenses and advising on laser eye surgery, but a lot of my work is computer based and I am worried how I will cope with that. I was hoping to get back for October but I can't see that happening yet. I have the extra pressure of worrying they won't keep my job open for much longer.

Sorry.. I'm rabbiting.

Again, thanks so much for starting this post Sandi.

You're doing fab, keep at it, but don't push yourself too hard.

Take care,

SarahLou Xx

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Well Done Sandi,

Be proud of yourself......and keep one eye on brain and other on how body feels...........No !.No! hold on wait a mo......

dont move eyes or you'll go wonky eyed !!! lol

Well Done Sandi x Chin up and keep trying........Well done once again xx

All the best

WinB143 xx

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The past week was my second with 5 hour shifts, 3 days. I was hoping to do so well I would be able to bump up to 6 hours next week. I'm not there yet. I worked Monday and it was a good day. Very productive.

 

Tuesday, not so productive. I felt very tired. I was receiving emails with information that I was replying on asking for the information... Had hoped to finish catching up on the budget but didnt make any progress. My head wasn't working. I wasn't frustrated or angry or near tears. I was discouraged and disappointed and wanted the couch at home.

 

I had Wednesday off. Went on the treadmill, went to chiropractor, grocery shopping, still felt like was walking through treacle. Couldn't snap out of it. Made lasagna when I should have opened a can of soup!

Thursday I dragged myself back to work feeling like I hadn't rested at all but Ive been sleeping like a log all through the night. I was tired all day Thursday and a bit shaky inside, a bit wobbly on my feet. I made progress on the budget at work and through some meetings but I feel the earth turning. I hold my chair so I don't slip out. I won't really slip out, it just feels that way.

 

Friday I was off again. Peter and I went to run errands in the city which meant going to a shopping mall. I felt like one eye was 2 inches higher than the other. Feeling a bit more rested though.

Its now Saturday and I'm having trouble snapping out of the brain fog. Haven't been back on the treadmill or bike.

 

I plan to work the same next week. Hopefully I can get over this hump.

Sandi K.

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Hi Sandi

I think the first point which has to be made is how amazing you're doing. The motivation you have to improve your circumstances is laudable, but it is very important you remain true to your health and look after yourself too.

 

The only person who can be the proper judge of this is you, but during our recoveries we can lose some insight, which makes decisions harder to reach! Speaking for myself, I can sometimes become trapped in ideas that ‘I must try harder.’ I can blame myself when I am tired and seem keen to ‘prove’ to other people that I am not lazy.

 

I think many of us here have sometimes felt that we are ‘failures.’ We are nothing of the sort of course, but we try ever so hard to replicate the pre brain injury self and lose sight that the brain is a bit different now.

 

5 hour, three hour shifts per week is BIG. You are fabulous for giving it a go. I am really in awe of you. It is very inspirational.

Is part of the problem that the Monday and Tuesday shifts are on consecutive days? Is it possible to work Monday, Wednesday and Friday for example? By splitting the week up like this, you may find that you can fulfill working 15 hours per week. But if you are working ten hours over two days, maybe you are not recovering adequately between shifts.

 

Just an additional thought – are you perhaps doing too much on your rest days? Speaking for myself, I need my rest days to be as straightforward as possible. Busy environments fatigue me. If I rushed around on my days off work, it would make my days in work very difficult / impossible.

In terms of my working week, Wednesday is one of my days off. It is also a ‘day off’ from all other things too. I don’t visit family / friends and they know not to visit me either! I use my Wednesdays to re-charge. No errands, no shopping; just a glorious day alone, pottering around and giving my brain ‘time out.’ It helps enormously.

 

Use the brain fog as your friend. Your brain is trying to communicate with you and perhaps it is asking you to tweak your week so that things can be managed better.

Maybe you don’t have to work less, but maybe it needs to be spread out differently. And I am not saying ‘don’t go shopping,’ but maybe you don’t have to go shopping in the working week.

Of course, all this brain fog could be because the working arrangement is new and your brain hasn’t accepted the routine yet.

 

Maybe a few weeks of it will seem better. However, you will probably help your brain more if you properly rested between working days and importantly; if you still feel this sluggish after a few weeks, maybe it is a sign that you need to make bigger readjustments. Cross that bridge if / when it arrives, but it is never a ‘failure’ to tweak your week to make you feel better. It’s just good common sense!!

Hope you find a method that works well for you.

 

Let us know how it goes as it’s great to hear about your progress.

L xx

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What an interesting thread! I'm on ESA as I was a temp when I had my SAH - I tried going back to work as a temp (in the hospital, as before) about 6 months ago and crashed... I have been doing two five-hour shifts, Tues and Thurs, for a couple of months now and it's just served to confirm to me that I can't do full-time yet. I'm 19 months post-SAH and I thought I'd be back at work after a couple of months, ha ha!

 

 Basically, you are allowed to do up to 15 hours as long as you don't earn over £90 or so a week I think. I'm due another ESA medical soon and we'll see what they say but the fatigue issue has been horrendous. Not only because of post-stroke fatigue but also due to my arthritis meds - and also we've discovered that my Thyroxine levels were too low which has never happened in the 20+ years I've been on it!

 

Anyway, I recently had ten days at my mum's in Normandy and i rested and slept and feel much more "normal" now. Thing is, I want to do more work at the hospital (despite my GP being against it, but at least it's only a 3 minute walk from home) - and I'm scared of giving up ESA and then crashing and burning again. It's really weird as I used to be such a high-flier! Oh well, I'm sure bit by bit it will fall into place.

 

Anyway, I should be in bed by now - this always happens. Oops.. Nite nite!

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Hi Sandi, it is great to hear of your progress and how much you're learning about yourself and how much you can do. this is a really good thread and gives an insight into the problems people have post SAH and the determination needed to get back to work.

Take care of yourself

Vivien x

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Hi Sandi,

I've just caught up on this thread again after a break of a few days.

 

On Weds, I have to go back to the Doc for another "sick note" for work. Reading your posting is really helping me realise that I must take it easy in getting back to work. So I expect we'll go for another month - then I'm on holiday (hurrah !!) so I'll have to find out if I should have another one while I'm away (although I think being on holiday is certainly NOT being off sick in UK employment law terms). One of the Managers at work, I remember said something to me about that, quite early on. Something about being very sure to make it very clear when you're on holiday.

 

When you talk about what's happening to you when you've perhaps pushed yourself too hard, this is so helpful. Its such a fine balance, isn't it ? Pushing yourself just that little bit more, to increase "stamina" (and find out if you can manage a tiny bit more) but then perhaps doing something too intense which seems to tip you over into days of tiredness and sub-optimal functioning. And I guess, as well, its so difficult to know if you're having a bad SAH day, or if its just a "normal" off day. I know before SAH I used to have days when I was tired and certainly not functioning as well as I'd like. Not so often, but they happened.

 

Keep on posting your progress - its so helpful to us all. Know that we are all wishing you well and thinking good things for you.

Take care,

Mags

x

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Hi Sandi,

I am 15months on now since SAH and i work Thur and Fridays 6hr shifts. Some weeks are fine and can still do things after , like cook dinner for the family but other weeks i just come home and thats it, cant function cant cope with the children or cook, thank god for my husband that takes over. It is getting better but i suppose i have no quiet days as i have four children and i house to run as well as work. I pushed mysself back into work, it was a way , i thought , that i could be normal again. But i learnt the hard way and did to much to fast and took a big backward step.

I can just about cope with these hours now, but headaches and fatgiue are still a big factor for me. Hopefully because you are listening to your body things will go well for you :-D

Take Care Rhiann x

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Hello everyone,

I'm trying very hard to listen to my body but I still think I did too much today which was meant to be my day off.

 

Monday went well, I do get tired but I'm taking my breaks and going for walks. Tuesday was fine too and I prepared the supper on the weekend knowing I would be a Zombie after work on Tuesday. I was. Peter was telling me something and I remember saying ok. I was laying on the couch having quiet time but not needing sleep. Not 2 minutes later I didn't know where he was. I remembered he told me where he was going but I was so exhausted I just couldn't remember what he said. He came back a few minutes later and reminded me he was taking the garbage bin up to the cul-de-sac and he got talking to a neighbor. It was nothing really but it scared me that I could draw such a blank so quickly.

 

Today I woke up a bit headachy but I slept well and long so felt rested. I felt like I had a long quiet relaxing day ahead but by mid-day I felt rushed. It was my day off and I packed too much in again. Meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, chiropractor, 3 loads of laundry, long (but good) telephone conversation with insurance co, hour on the stationary bike, shower, changed the bed linens, walked the dog. Perhaps I could have done 1 load of laundry, skipped the bed change. I don't know. Life must continue but I sure didn't feel rested when supper was over!

 

The insurance co has offered to find an occupational rehab therapist to help with fatigue and pacing. I'm very pleased with this! Any tips I learn I will share here. Yawn... Sleepy time now. : )

Work day tomorrow! : )

Thank you for your feedback, it all helps in understanding how to get there.

Sandi K. Xo

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Hello Sandi,

You're doing so fab with your return to work but seem to be so busy on your days off, you're not resting enough.

Is there anyone else who can help with some of these chores, or do they all really need to be crammed into your days off? I know they need to be done but I worry that you're doing way too much on days you should be resting more.

You probably forgot what Peter was saying purely because your brain was in shut down mode.

Great news about the rehab therapist though, I hope that really helps you.

As I said, you're doing so well and should be very proud of yourself, please don't take offence dear Sandi but PLEASE slow down on your days off!!

Take care,

SarahLou Xx

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Hi Sandi

Have to agree with Sarah Lou, you are doing so well Sandi but you do more on a day off than I achieve in a week! I still could not pack the amount you do into one day. Can you try to ease up a little bit? I agree it's hard to do that and all these chores need to be done but a microwave meal or a carry out wouldn't be unreasonable some days. Do you have grocery shops that do deliveries? Can't you & Peter sleep on the floor so the beds don't need to be changed :lol: (Ok the last suggestion wasn't a serious one but the other might help in the short term)

 

Can't really offer any answers, it is all things that I struggled with too and my solution was dramatic - leaving work. You are much earlier in your recovery and have every chance of things improving further but maybe you could expect a bit less of yourself on your days off while you're still getting better?

I hope that didn't seem bossy :wink: It's great to follow your achievements on this thread but I can't help worrying that you push yourself too hard.

Love, Michelle xx

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You aren't too bossy at all!

All suggestions are welcome, that's why I started this thread. We can all benefit from 'brain-storming' ideas here (pun intended!).

I know, I have got to figure this out. I'm still trying to be my old self aren't I. Unbelievably stubborn am I.

But, one good thing: I was going to up my hours beginning today to 5.5. I realize that perhaps it's a wee bit too soon and instead of pushing I should get used to the 15 hours a week first and then bump up. Maybe next week!

Sandi K. Xo.

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That's great to hear Sandi!

When the hours you are admirably achieving suit you well & leave enough of you left over to do all the home stuff too, that will be the time to increase them. Yep, bet you achieve that by next week :lol: You are a very determined lady, your work place is lucky to have someone with your dedication.

Michelle xx

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Hello everyone, I moved my hours up to 5.5 today but ended up working more. I arrived earlier than expected so plunged right in and a late meeting went 30 minutes longer than expected so I actually worked almost 6.5 hours. I know it was too much. I really didn't want to drive home, I was capable but would have rather just shut my eyes. My voice was hoarse and my legs wobbly and achy. And I said stupid things in the meeting.

 

What I mean is, I made feeble attempts at being funny but ended up just being disrespectful. Oh ugh. Trying too hard to be my old self when clearly I wasn't that person today!

 

And I didn't take my breaks. Any day where I don't take my breaks I end up having problems.

I'm so grateful I have tomorrow off. I see the psychologist on Thursday morning before work and will be discussing this business of why sometimes I refuse to acknowledge my new state of reality.

Sandi K.

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My return to work began in June and it's now October and last week I worked 17 hours and it was too much.

 

I'm still feeling the effects of working the unplanned extra hour on Tuesday of this week. While in the psychologists office on Thursday morning I cried for an hour as she helped me realize that I'm back to not accepting my new reality. As soon as I begin to feel a little bit better (normal) I start pushing myself and then I go over the edge into the pool of fatigue and symptoms.

 

It is a job in itself to remember to pace ourselves. We need to plan pacing into our ever day activities. I get 'tired' and frustrated and angry and having to ensure I schedule breaks and rest into my already short work day. Im angry that I have to ask others to accommodate me. To attend meetings on my behalf, to continually take on tasks that I can't perform, to wait because I can't do something today. Staff are coming to me for help now and I'm having to remind them to go to someone else. I must get better at explaining why.

 

Because I'm back in a place of not accepting the new me I'm very uncomfortable explaining to people that I'm still ill. For months I was ok with the gradual return to work and light duties. But suddenly I want to be fully engaged with no special treatment. It's as if I can reach for the apples hanging at the bottom of the tree but just can't quite touch them though. I'm not quite there.

 

The psychologist explains to me that this is an important moment in healing. She says it's part of the 'two steps forward three steps back'. I'm going back cuz I've pushed too hard. But she also says I'm aware of how I used to be and I know I'm not like that now. The awareness is what is important. Apparently this will happen many times during recovery.

 

After the 5 hour Thursday workday I was so tired I could barely hold a conversation. Friday I perked up and managed a speech for a colleague who was retiring. I got some laughs and really I wonder where the energy comes from when required on demand lime that. A nap after work and good night's sleep followed and now I have a rest day and supper at my cousins.

 

The biggest thing I learned from last week is that SAH recovery is a roller coaster ride. I accepted the new me, I grieved for the old me months ago. I thought I was done. I've been getting to know who I am now for months and I've been very gentle and careful. Its such a surprise to find myself back there again. I'm sure as Carolyn suggested it has something to do with the 1 year anniversary coming up in November and the belief that I should be all better by then. Of course that's not reality and I need to process and consider all these thoughts.

Sandi K.

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Hey Sandi a big well done to you on what you have achived so far, the engery that comes when needed always be aware that it is just that & dont be like me and think hey I can do wonders now.

think we all go though that rollercoaster of a ride like your on.

But you are doing so well even if you can only do the hours your doing dont worry I couldnt even manage that massive well done hun.x

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