Back To Work

[goldfish.girl]

Thank you for your confidence in me Mary

 

I like to think I do still write ok but when it comes to making small talk or joining in with free flowing conversation, the chance to stop and think, then reply is not there.....I often stare blankly as I try to process what has been said, especially with people & situations that are not familiar to me. I also hesitate & stutter in these conversations and feel that people will assume I'm stupid when this happens. I am terrified of ever having to go through a job interview for paid work any time soon, I know I would not come across well at this.

 

Also, I just re-read my post. At the end where I said 'I think I have something to offer them' I also meant to say (and in my head I DID) that they can offer me so much, there is so much for me to learn about their world. I hope I am up to the challenge and I'm slightly embarrassed that I missed out the part of what I can learn from them, it wasn't intentional My thoughts run faster than my typing!

Michelle x

[Macca]

David,

I think we're kind of running parrallel lives at the moment. Work is tough. You said it's wednesday but your body thinks Friday - i couldn't have put it better myself! I am so tired at the moment, I am sleeping poorly even though I feel dog tired. When I am like this my balance goes to pot as well and nausea is a recurring theme as well. On the bright side I start my treatment on 30th of November - i can't wait - I just hope it isn't an anti- climax.

 

Well done Win, Michelle and Dawn - we all have to keep battling on and beat this thing - and we will.

Oh to be in Hawaii - Sandi's lucky isn't she? I went there in 2003 - it's a wonderful part of the world.

It's only 7.30pm here but I have to go to sleep now - I hope Canadian Carl is ok too, i haven't heard from him for a while.

 

Best wishes to everyone, I really am so very tired

Macca

[amexdm]

Hello,

Hope everyone is well. Yes, Macca this a rough road at the moment. I am rather tired but not beaten. Friday I invoked the "if not dead" rule. I woke up very exhausted, sick, headache, dizzy, nauseous. But if I'm not dead, guess I gotta get up and go to work. No sick or vacation time left so off to work I go.

I wish somebody at my work knew the energy it takes me to get out of bed in the morning, let alone come in. Spoons are gone by 10am. My wife knows, BTG knows and a few select friends.

 

The PA girl at the Pain Clinic scolded me because I took a few more of my medication than was allocated. Well October was statements month and I was rather busy. She scolded me like an 8 year old boy with a cut. She said she was going to reduce my medications for a week. I started to leave and thought wait a minute. I asked her to come back in doc's office. I explained to her that I work 40 hours as a finacial advisor with a brain injury and if I took a 1/4 more pills a day it's because I was sick.

 

 I also told her I didnt appreciate the way she talked to me. She apologized and wrote another script for 7 more pills that I was due. I would guess that if she was as sick as I was she wouldn't be working at all but rather sucking her thumb in a corner with the pain THAT I EXPERIENCE. So blast off. I guess you have to spell it out for these folks.

Onward and Upward,

David

[DawnS]

Morning All,

I have a question for those of you who returned to the same role that you were employed in before sah...

How did you manage the expectations of both yourself and those around you?

 

Had I known how this would pan out, I'd have asked for an alternative role from the beginning. I think the fact that I did this job for 3 years before sah turned out to be a negative thing in my return to work. I was sure that my long term memory had not been particularly affected by the bleed but when I sat down at my desk, in my brain there was nothing. I expected it to come flooding back after a little re-training and it never has. Now and then, I'll automatically do something in the system without even thinking then get all pleased with myself - look what I've remembered, here it all comes! And then...nothing.

 

I used to be the kind of person who you could ask me a question and if I didn't know the answer there and then, I'd find out and get back to you no matter how long that took. Now, you'll be lucky if I remember that we've spoken let alone what about! It's been hard to get others to understand that I am not that person anymore.

 

I just wondered how you have all coped with this? Thankfully, after tomorrow this won't really matter anymore as I start my new, less responsible role on Monday where I will be one of four new starters and we all get a month's training. All expectations will be lower, including my own I hope!

[cathmat]

hi everyone , im not doing what i was doing before mary , but still beat myself up is i feel ive done badly , my memory comes and goes too is this normal? Ive got the neurologist on the 17 following my ct scan so i ll know if the hydrocephalus is worse , may have to have a shunt yikes !!! Im with you boys with the back to work im shattered feeling like ive been run over by a bus , didnt think increasing my hours would be so difficult x

[MaryB]

I am doing the exact job as before but 17 years ago I was the only one doing that job and about 10 years ago someone moved up to do it when I had a couple surgeries. Now we have 4 doing my job. We all have different strenghts etc..but I had to totally let go of being the number one at that job. Lucky it was during my phase of not caring and my recovery was more important than anything. There are days when I want to step on toes and I do just take over the situation but it only when it needs someone to step up and sort the mess out that has been created. They maybe do not get how to prioritize and organize as well as I can but I get in a zone. But I let much of it go.

 

I like to find a place to do something quiet on slow days but depending on the mix of people that day and how busy we are I am not the one in charge unless I choose to be. If that makes sense? The sound of some peoples voices really bother me. This is a big issue for me. The past 2-3 weeks my favorite co worker voice has seemed really loud and high pitched, and she talks fast anyway. I hate that I feel this way. But some peoples voices are like finger nails on a chalk board.

 

It is still the noisey, loud, busy, and fast pace so I tend to handle my cases only and not mutli task with the phone or trouble shoot etc..I kind of act like they do! LOL On other days I am Mary 95% because that is my personality but I pay for it dearly. :confused:

 

And I do not know my clients and their animals like I use to, names are blank to me. I just have to fake it and/or read the chart. I carry post it's in my pocket. I can still process the exam room protocal very well but when it comes to writing it in chart I have a lot of blanks. I need total silence, if I weigh a cat I have to WRITE IT DOWN or in 1 minutes or if there is any conversation I will forget what it was. If I am tired my "Speals" ( Ok that is not spelled right) are hard to recall, I cannot jsut go into one of my everyday talks about heartworms or whatever. I sound stupid.

 

I also because we are a bit over staffed right now and slow I can go home early. If I had to work a full scheduled week and not cheat and leave early I would not be well. I just went 10 days ( not all wrk days) in a row without working a full day.

[Wem]

Hi

I had my SAH Feb 2012 and was planning a phased return to work (7.5 hours per week), working from home, to start Nov 2012.

 

Unfortunately, due to a critical family illness, my energies have been redirected to hospital visits and providing help and support to my close family members. Hopefully there will not be any further bad news for my family this year and we can start to look forward to 2013, fingers crossed.

 

My revised return to work plans start with 7.5 hours per week early in the new year. My boss has been very supportive and the plan is to provide me with 'light' administrative style tasks certainly to start with.

Prior to the SAH I was a senior project manager reponsible for delivering multi million £ projects, managing a team of 100+ IT professionals. My team is now being managed by others and my desk and work space have been re-assigned.

 

This left me feeling quite bereft, but I recognise I need to move on and accept that I am no longer the dynamic project manager I once was. On the positive side this may provide me with an opportunity to wind down slowly into retirement (once I have would myself up enough to start work again that is!).

 

On my good days I feel confident I will be able to cope with the return to work, however I am still riding the roller coaster ride of fluctuating energy levels and I am somewhat nervous that I may struggle when I do return.

I am following this thread with interest and if anyone has any tips and/or advice regarding managing fatigue then I would be most interest.

Wem

[Sandi K]

I tried twice to return to my role. The first time was ridiculously early (only weeks after the SAH) and the second time was months later but still ended up being too early. Even though it was a phased in return and I didn't take on all responsibilities I still took on too much, more than my brain was ready for at the time.

 

Dawn, when I return to work the third time it will be in a different role. I'm not sure what yet but I've given up my previous position. I think it was too hard for my team and colleagues to adjust, their expectations didn't change and they didn't understand that my brain was different. The biggest part of the problem was me. Despite trying to educate people about my brain injury I was still trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and I was trying to be the same worker I was before. I didn't know enough about my brain injury to understand that I had to do things differently. I didn't know what I had to do differently. I thought I did, but in the end I really didn't understand.

 

How could I expect those around me to change their expectations when I couldn't clearly explain what was different or what I needed?

 

I'm hopeful that when I go back to work in a different role it will be a fresh start. I will be working with some of the same people as before but also some different ones. Hopefully the combination of a new role and different people will help me to better set my own expectations of myself. I've learned a lot in the last few months, I hope I don't forget it all!

 

I start volunteering at our brain injury society on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to that. I've attended some classes there and joined the drop in sessions a few times. I will be doing admin stuff, helping in the office. This will help me understand what my return to work may look like and it will feel good to be volunteering in this organization.

Sandi K.

[Sandi K]

Welcome to BTG Wem!

Fatigue is a biggie! My rehab therapist and many BTG members will advise you to pace yourself. I've found this to be a hard thing to do!! The fatigue is unpredictable, it's hard to plan for and prevent but you just have to try as best you can.

 

Schedule lots of breaks in your day. Even short 10 minute ones help. Make yourself get up and go for a walk at least once through the day. It takes you away from your job and gives your brain a rest and gets the blood flowing. Drink lots of water and remember to breathe and eat healthy at work. Your brain needs water and oxygen and good nutrition.

Sandi K.

[amexdm]

Hello all:

Hi Wem, welocome to BTG and the BTW thread. We would love to hear from a new voice with new expericneces.

Cath- Yes it is normal for short term memory to come and go. Mine does it ALL the time. Just yesterday forgot how many meds I took earlier in the day,. Not Good! .

 

Dawn- Good question. My only expectations in returning to work were to keep my job. Good jobs are hard to come by in the US so I wanted to keep my position. I have had to scratch, claw, beg and borrow energy to do that. Each day completed is an accomplishment frankly. So I did not have huge expectations. I did find I was able to do my job well I just didnt always have the energy to do so.

My employer sent out a brochure to all my fellow co-workers before I came back re SAH. That was super helpful. Although some now to seem to have forgotten.

 

I wish you well in your position. I think a positive mind can overcome anything. Do you think you are ready to jump to 40 hours now? I had to come back slowly and still struggle with the hours. I hope you will be ok. I have managed call centres for 15 years so if you have any questions, please let me know.

 

Sandi, we have a new IT manager on board. How exciting. That makes 3 of us.

I hope Wem does well.

Macca, when you turn in to a woman errrr start treatment. If it works, I'm gonna be Daphne stead of David hahaha

How is everyone else getting on? Happy Friday.

David

[Macca]

Great line David/Dapne/whatever!!

Wem, nice to meet you and welcome to BTG. I'm back at work and you will see that David is too. WHat I found happens is that you re-set your ambitions. before you were ill you probably wanted to outstrip everyone else, get a pay rise, get promoted etc.

 

Now I just want to get through every day. Doing that is my achievement, and it's more precious to me than anything I ever did before, and is a much bigger achievement in my humble opinion. One step at a time.

 

Have a great weekend, I'll try and get on here again tomorrow

Macca

[MaryB]

I am just going to say I could not work without my ritalin and other medications. I would fall asleep, I would just NOT be able to do it. I am being honest here. I do not know how to go t work and not give all I can. Someday I plan on sitting in the waiting room and reading all those decorating magazines. I however when exhausted will help someone do something that I do not have to do while standing. I cannot not go 100% when I am there. I am always looking for something to do when I am there if we are slow.

 

I could not take care of a family either when I get home. I can 1/3 of the time have a meal planned.

Thats my life right now. Mary:lol:

[Wem]

All

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, it is nice to feel part of a community albeit not one I would have chosen to be part of!

 

Your responses have triggered a number of thoughts for me. I believe one of my biggest challenges will be to take things at a much slower pace and try to set the right expectations for all my colleagues. I was a self confessed workaholic and would not think twice about putting in 60+ hours per week, that will most certainly have to change. My ambitions now are much different to those at the start of this year and I will definitely fall into the category of 'just trying to hang on to my job'

 

I need to get the work/life balance right and ensure I do not get drawn into giving more and more of my time. Doesn't sound too difficult in theory but for someone like me it will take a lot of self discipline, particularly as I will be working from home to start with.

As I say lots of food for thought.

Thanks

Wem

[Sandi K]

Hi everyone!

Done three volunteer shifts at the Brain Injury Society so far. Each between 2-4 hours long. Mostly office work which feels good. Organizing filing drawer, filing, organizing a binder, and helping to plan a Christmas open house. Was working in excel yesterday for the first time in months and my eye sight was annoyingly much worse and I forgot how to do stuff that used to be done without thinking! Hopefully it will come back to me.

 

It feels good to work on a task without having the responsibility of budgets, meetings, deadlines, staff, etc. it's nice to feel productive and helpful.

 

Was exhausted on the weekend. This volunteering is all about figuring out my capacity for work hours and how much volume I can take on when I return to work. It's just the beginning so lots of time to sort it out. The Dexedrine is certainly helping.

Sandi K.

[Bev897056]

Sandi K said:

Hi everyone!

Done three volunteer shifts at the Brain Injury Society so far. Each between 2-4 hours long. Mostly office work which feels good. Organizing filing drawer, filing, organizing a binder, and helping to plan a Christmas open house. Was working in excel yesterday for the first time in months and my eye sight was annoyingly much worse and I forgot how to do stuff that used to be done without thinking! Hopefully it will come back to me.

It feels good to work on a task without having the responsibility of budgets, meetings, deadlines, staff, etc. it's nice to feel productive and helpful.

Was exhausted on the weekend. This volunteering is all about figuring out my capacity for work hours and how much volume I can take on when I return to work. It's just the beginning so lots of time to sort it out. The Dexedrine is certainly helping.

Sandi K.

 

Hi sandi well done on the volenteer job! Can I ask how you came about doing this did you quit you. Job? I am struggleing at the mo initially went back nearly full time in estate agents after 6 weeks and finally after my sceizure I decided to quit then got a job in care just two days a week but found that physical demanding so recently went back to do 4.5 hours a week at estate agents again.

 

Its enough for me at mo I just wondered what your plans were will you stay volenteer or will you find a new job orreturn to your old job? I so wish I could work much more but my body is telling me no so I will just accept this for now x

[Wem]

All

I went into the office yesterday to meet with my boss and catch up with my old team. I decided to try my stamina out by undertaking the journey on public transport on my own. The estimated travelling time of the round trip was 3+ hours and I needed to negotiate very busy 3/4 lane city centre traffic, simply to get to the office from the bus stop (with the aid of pelican crossings).

 

The visit went extremely well and I was not as emotional as I expected, seeing someone else in my desk, managing my team. I really feel that I have moved on now and I am happy to step aside and look for other opportunities within the company. This is an amazing revelation for me, the self confessed very driven workaholic, but as I have said in one of my recent posts this SAH thingy has taught me to appreciate the slower aspects of life.

 

I am planning to return on 7 Jan 2013, exactly 11 months after my SAH. I will be working 7.5 hours per week, initially from home, providing project support for my boss with no major deadlines to manage. I am feeling both nervous and excited by the prospect, but feel I need to do this as the next stage in my rehabilitation plan.

Will keep you posted,

Wem

[JayKay]

Hello again Wem! Thank you for your kind words on my thread. I have to say, although I wasn't in a managerial role when I had my SAH, I certainly understand the term "workaholic"! And as you read my blog you'll no doubt have gathered that I have had to reassess my life. A lot lol.

 

I know when they say said "18 months to 2 years" for recovery I thought "oh no, not me" and this seems to be a recurring theme among BTG devotees. I now know, nearly 3 years on, that I'm only JUST getting back to me, really in the past 6 months. I think working again has really helped, although I wasn't inactive for all that time, what with creating a website for the community centre, being a trustee, running a Different Strokes group etc. HOWEVER, as someone on here once said, I've had to adjust to a "new normal".

 

I am thrilled to be working part-time, and I only manage this financially because I share the bills with my daughter and I get tax credits. It wasn't my choice to do 2 1/2 days in a row, because it's a jobshare, but it's definitely the most I could do. I do have an ad hoc sort of second job, which helps financially obviously, but it's one I can fit in when I have the energy.

 

Anyway, enough waffle. I was just coming to say I know how hard it is to go back to work, and how hard it is for others to understand our limitations. Hell, I didn't understand my OWN limitations! But I do remember there was a Stroke Association leaflet on the after-effects of stroke that you can give to your employer so they can see for themselves that you are not exaggerating your problems.

I look forward to talking to you more!

[Sandi K]

Wem, good luck starting back this week! I'm looking forward to reading how it goes. I'm no expert but take your time, take breaks, and 'pace yourself' as they say. I was a lot like Jen in that I really didn't understand my own limitations. Pay attention to yourself, if you are feeling unwell take a break. In the beginning you may need lots of breaks.

 

Jen, your post is so encouraging! To read that your job is helping your recovery is wonderful. What a great perspective.

 

I began volunteering a month ago but due to the Christmas season and an unusual snowfall (I'm in Canada but we don't get much snow where I am) I've only done a few shifts so far. Already I feel it building my confidence again. I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow.

Slowly but surely onward and upward!

Sandi K.

[Wem]

Hi All,

Well I have completed my first week back at work! One small step for (wo)man, one giant step for SAHers!

I have been extremely fortunate in that my employer is being very supportive, only doing 7.5 hours per week at the moment working from home, I can choose when I work and when I take rests. The tasks I have been given are not timebound and can be done at my own pace, so no pressures there.

 

Early in the week I was experiencing balance problems and recurring headaches (more than ususal) so think it would be fair to assume I was feeling a little anxious about work and will no doubt continue to do so in the weeks ahead. I have been keen to ensure I am continuing to keep the same level of day to day activities that I have already built up alongside the work. Though I did hit the wall yesterday and could only manage the work tasks, which was disappointing.

 

Key lesson learnt this week: learn to switch off and relax once the allotted hours have been completed! I have found I have been doing at least twice as many hours, just in the thinking time.

Still early days and I am sure I will face a number of challenges in the weeks, months to come but for the moment I am enjoying it. It has been good to use the old grey cells again, onwards and upwards.

Will keep you posted on my progress,

Wem

[DawnS]

Hi Wem,

congratulations on completing your first week! That must be a good feeling. Don't worry too much about not keeping up your other tasks, I tried to do exactly the same when I returned to work and it was fine until I was put up to 20 hours and it went a bit downhill. I was disappointed, but I am very blessed in that my other half is extremely supportive. I find that I get used to changes surprisingly quickly and am now managing to get some other things done around the house instead of just eating, sleeping and working full time. I hope you find that the same happens for you!

Dawn x

[MaryB]

Wem, Congrats on returning to the working world. I think we all must be workaholics. If only you could switch that off and on...hum???

 

Continue working your on that switch that would be such a huge thing to learn. I think I need to be treated like a lab rat at this point to get zapped everytime I respond like it is all for me to take on. It is so hard for me not to stay busy or I would just lay down!! I do know one of my triggers for rest is if I put my satin eye mask on it shuts me right down.

 

And go slowly, I think many of us were too eager to work up to our max and maintain which was within months of returning back to work. I want to say go slower with more hours than you think so you can still have a life outside of work.

Keep up the good work. Mary

[amexdm]

Hello BTG BTW'ers,

Thought I would pop in for an update. Last week was grueling but I got thru unscathed. My co-worker called in sick on Thursday and Friday so for two days I did two peoples jobs for 9 hours. Not easy. But proud. Every day is an accomplishment for me. 40 hours is a challenge but I am sort of getting used to it.

With the New Year, I have my sick and vacation time reset so hope to do better.

 

My goal is to not have any sick days for 1st quarter. That would be until March 31st. Anyone want to cheer me on? The thing is every day is a sick day for me. Every day is a 24 hour hangover. As we all know there are those days that we are just dead tired and feel as if hit by bus. That was today but came in anyway. I'm hoping those days are few and far between.

 

The benefits are certainly well and having a paycheck and medical dont get me wrong. Lets all make a lotto pact. I will give to all BTG'ers if I win trust me.

I want to give a big shout out to Back to Work people who do physical work. I give you so much credit and don't know how you do it. those that I can remeber are Sarah, MaryB, SL, Carl. Forgive me for anyone I've missed.

 

Wem- Is it 7.5 hours a day or week? It seems you work more than you intend

Jay Kay- Nice to see you here, you have wonderful insight

Sandi- FYI- I am building some stamina but not as much as I'd like. Need to lose weight and walk. HELP this fatty out!

 

Dawn, How is 40 hours going, you seem to be doing well. Hope car is ok now

Mary- Wish I was as tough as you, you never complain.

And for all of ya'll whi think I'm negative. Only 5096 days til retirement!!!!!

David

[Wem]

Hi All,

David, just 7.5 hours per week at the moment. My intention is to take this return to work slowly and steadily! I want to ensure I get the work/life balance in these relatively early stages of recovery as close to right as possible.

Dawn I have watched your progress with interest and found encouragement from it.

Mary, you just amaze me with everything you achieve.

Thanks for the support and words of encouragement, onwards and upwards!

Wem

[DawnS]

amexdm said:

Dawn, How is 40 hours going, you seem to be doing well. Hope car is ok now

And for all of ya'll whi think I'm negative. Only 5096 days til retirement!!!!!

 

David, that made me laugh, not counting at all huh?! 40 hours is going well thanks, I'm impressed with myself! I'm getting used to it and each day I feel a little better than the day before. It helps when I get some sleep, last night I got a good 10 hours sleep, can you tell? I am enjoying my new job very much and it's helping me to feel like a normal person.

 

I even find myself multi-tasking as I am able to chat to a customer about one thing while filling in an online form about something else entirely. Who'd have thought it? I am rather excited by all this because I can't wait to see what else is going to change and improve as time passes. I am so glad that I changed my role

P.s...car is getting worse by the day, don't ask!

[Wem]

Hi All,

I am now 3 weeks into my return to work programme and feeling Ok, not brilliant but yes Ok. Still keeping to 7.5 hours per week and at the moment that feels enough for me.

 

All of the work I am doing is PC based and just about all requires me to analyse data which I have found has been very demanding. It has left me exhausted with a whole range of associated symptons. Heavy legs, balance issues, headaches, feeling as though I am vibrating, trembling inside. At times it almost seems as though I can feel my brain working, how weird is that?

 

The best approach seems to be to keep my sessions short with regular rests in between. 30 minute sessions seem to be the optimum time at the moment but hopefully that will improve.

Still early days for me. My aim is to find a level that provides me with a feeling of self worth but does not leave me feeling too exhausted to enjoy life. Wish me luck,

Wem