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Thanks Michelle and Sandi K,

I am 56, rapidly approaching 57 and that will be three years before the official retirement age of 60 and I will have done 39 years. There will be a hit financially if and when I go, but I can live with it. It will be worth the hit for the improvement in my quality of life. May be I can do some part time work to supplement my income, maybe they will let me partially retire, but I am pretty sure I can't go on at the same pace as now enduring the pressure that goes with it. Thanks for your support.

Carl, I'm glad you are at peace with yourself, do you know that is the most important thing? Those people where you work really aren't worth the sole on your shoe if that is how they treat a person with your obvious work ethic, loyalty and values.

Always here to exchange views - let us know how you get on - if you choose to fight the battle, I'm right with you - if you don't, I won't judge but will be here to offer support

Good luck

Macca

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Well, I went to the doctors again this week as I am mentally and physically wiiped out. She took one look at me and signed me unfit to work for at least two weeks saying I needed a complete break. Sometimes it's hard to be told what you already know but don't want to accept. Nevertheless, I am at home and I needed someone else to tell me to slow down, but also to tell others ie my colleagues that I needed to slow down. Still, my conscience still makes me squirm and feel like a bit of a fraud, sometimes I wish I didn't have one - guilt is such a wicked carrier of self condemnation.

Still, I am relatively ok but it's eighteen months now since my SAH. I iwsh I was completely fit again, but for now I just have to be 'The King of Wishful Thinking' - another song title for you there Michelle!! I think it was Huey Lewis, that one!! Still waiting for my HRT!!

Hope you are all well

Macca

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Macca, take the time to rest. Your doctor is well educated and wouldn't be signing you off if they thought you were bluffing I'm at 17 months and in the same place. Cuz I look ok in the mirror (albeit a bit worn out) I feel a bit of a fraud. But in reality life just isn't the same. I'm not performing well at work and everything besides work has been squeezed out of my life. There is no energy left for anything else.

Strange that we have so much guilt over this. We didn't cause the SAH or the fatigue to happen. I too feel more comfortable with professionals saying 'you need time off'. I'm not comfortable saying it myself. I guess I want to fight on and pretend its all ok.

My GP says the SAH happened. It's not a fraud, there is a brain scan to prove it. So however much a fraud I feel and guilt I carry the reality is it happened and I still feel like . It really is silly Macca, the guilt doesn't help us to feel better. It just adds to our anxiety. We can't change what happened.

You had a life threatening major illness and your body is going to take time to recover from that. Give yourself time and take care of yourself. :-D.

Sandi K. Xoxoox

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Thanks Sandi,

You are right, of course, but when you have been instilled with a work ethic and you can't practice it as you once did, it hits hard. This site is brilliant, though, for a level of understanding you can't get anywhere else. Thanks for your concern and empathy. My disquiet is greatly lessened by what you say and hopefully this break will see me have a fresh impetus after it is complete - thank you so very much! I hope you too continue to improve and I will watch this discussion for news of your rise.

Best wishes

Macca

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I mentioned earlier that I thought the King of Wishful Thinking was by Huey Lewis - It wasn't - it was 'Go West' of course. Just another example of my poor memory. Apologies for the mistake. Sun is shining today, hope everyone is ok. have a good day!!

Macca

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Hello,

I have been following this thread- I read the same ones over and over until I realize I already read this......... geezzzzzzz.

Anyway just wanted to add I have had this happening for about a month or a little less which I think is improvement. I get tired and can't do anything yet I can't sleep or really rest. I lay down for a bit because I have a slight headache and I am mentally unfocused but I can't lay there long as I am not really tired. So I rest maybe 15 minutes b4 I cannot stand it and I get up. I still can't get anything really done as it wears me down when I try to but not enough to sleep. I say this is an improvement on my fatigue. However my memory is another story!

Maybe next step is some energy. :):-D

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Hi all,

Sandi's comments about taking SAH seriously ring so true, and yet SAH leaves us sometimes so different. The old me was a go-getter, jumping around the day taking on so much and rising to every occasion with grace. Now I try and figure out one or two simple things to get done and sometimes that's too much. Being thankful that I didn't try and go back to work, and also imagining those who did...you guys are so brave! The inconsistency with memory, time, fatigue, crying, distraction, and weird physical sensations prevent attempting either music therapy or Neurophysiological research. How do we go from thinking we can do anything we set are minds on to just needing to decide if/when to even rejoin the workforce?

Severe muscle fatigue in my legs yesterday made me cry. I wonder if they'll ever feel 'normal' ever again. Mourning the loss while keeping vigilant-hope...are they diametrically opposed? I used to think so.

~Kris

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Hi Kris,

Believe you me it was not brave of me to go back to work. I have a mortgage to pay and that was my principle driver. I went back too early and I am paying the price somewhat now. I am feeling some of the things you are, but I bitterly regret going back to work after six months - it was too early. I must have been stupid - be stupid. However I got my hospital letter this morning - I'm going back on the 17th of May so hopefully my HRT will start shortly after and fatigue will be a thing of the past but something I will never forget. Fingers crossed that their diagnosis is correct - not that I doubt them off course - they have been brilliant so far. I will let you know how I get on. I am currently enquiring as to the possibility of me taking either partial or full retirement but HR don't rush these things do they?

Kris, I hope you are well and I will watch this space. I hope you can get the support you need and I will comment when appropriate. Sandi K has made some excelllent posts on this thread hasn't she? Great support from everyone and I thank all of you sincerely for what you say

Macca

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Just want to pop up and reassure Kris, that what you are feeling is common for many of us.

As a short example, yesterday I was making soup (all chopping, browning of veg done - it was happily bubbling away by this point) BUT the washing machine finished it's cycle. I wanted to hang the washing outside but my dog had left a poop out there....The dilema: I'm keeping an eye on the soup (if I walk away from it I may forget it's cooking, that has happened many, many times), the machine has finished but there's a poop that needs to be picked up before I hang it out. Even to me this sounds simple, easy & obvious in hindsight....at the time it's totally overwhelming, I don't know where to start, what to do first & the stress kicks in & makes it all worse.

I got there and did all three things but I would LOVE to be able to do these simple things easily & without an hour of deciding and being completely stressed out by it all.......

Michelle x

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Michelle,

Thanks for the example...that's exactly me too. It's good not to feel like I'm the only one out in left field (I hate baseball - so the only one in the cello section without a bow).

and Macca...I do feel so supported as you do here. with everyone's comments, it helps to know what to avoid and what to maybe try next.

I have been able to not rest every other day now instead of every day...sometimes twice/day. I started that recently so yay! I was also reading that most people get over the fatigue...is anyone out there? or was that just "Professionals" spouting things they have no idea about?

I do remember someone posting about being tired but not being sleepy and that's me all the time. It's so hard to just lay down and rest when I just want to be up...and then not to even be tired and try and amuse myself for an hour with something that's not too engaging (I'm a music therapist, so even music is often too dynamic for me). However, if I don't rest...

~Kris

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