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It's time to get better now


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Hello all,

I was told by my wife this weekend and also over the last two months that "It's time to get better now". Apparently it's time to get over my SAH and be done with it. She has been saying this for two months now. Now I know she is frustrated with me having to rest after I work all day but I have made an effort to try and be more active.

But she says "It's time to get better now" and taps me on the knee as if I was a child. Like a child who scraped his knee and had a boo-boo She has been great for two years but the last two months not so much. I appreciate all she has done. However, she has pushed me in to doing more, working 10 hours which resulted in my stroke 10 days ago. I'm sorry, but I have to start taking care of MYSELF. No one else is gonna do it.

I know she is sick of me having to rest all the time but now is not the time to push myself. I am feeling better with new blood pressure meds but still need to rest 10 days after a stroke. Anybody else had to deal with impatient caregivers that in this case are risking my long term well being? Can some magician wave a wand and make me better? Need to get away.

David

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Hey David

Can't help you on the magician front but it may be worth getting your wife to look in on the site and see that its not as easy as "its time to get better". I'm nearly seven years in and work 35 hours a week but I still need a rest when I get in. Its not like a broken leg where you rest it and it gets better - your brain never stops so take a heck of a lot longer to fix.

Don't let anyone push you to get better - you aren't in control of that, your body is.

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Hi David don't think for one minute that I am advising you to leave your wife because I'm not, however my husband wanted me well enough to do everything but wanted me to pretend I wasn't and claim incapacity benefit but since kicking him out I have improved a hell of alot. Do not allow anyone to say you should be better. Jess.xxx

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Oh David what a shame :frown:

I am new to all this, it will be 8wks this week so cant really help but this is one of the things I've been worrying about because we look ok on the outside people assume we are ok but we are NOT ok

Apart from my weird hair style i look ok and sometimes think people think im kidding on when i say i have a sore head or say how tired i am- and when i get exhausted from walking less then 200 yards I'm positive they think I'm at it :frown:

Possibly if she had a look on here and read some of the things she would realise your not ok

I wish you well and DONT push for anyone its you that will suffer

Lesley xxxx

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Many years ago my husband said "calm down" to me, I could of punch him in the face. I would have that same instinct if someone told it was 'time to get better now". NOT that I want you to punch your wife but it would really just make me crazy mad to even suggest I was not fighting as hard as I can.

Can't tell what to do with that one, sorry David.

Maryb

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David,

Wow, this is a hard one. Most outside people don't understand that our symptoms come and go without our control. Heck, I don't understand it sometimes! I would think your wife could be a sort-of insider if she put some effort into it. I think she is just ignorant of it...not in a mean, bad sense of the word, but the actual sense of the word. Maybe if you two sat together and looked at some information about SAH recovery, she'd get it. If she loves you, which I have no reason to doubt, she just needs some help understanding. I think the suggestion to read some of these posts here with you may also help her to see it from another's point of view besides yours. Like me, I don't work yet at all. I am just beginning to feel ready to volunteer. I need to rest all the time too. AND my symptoms are usually worse when I am in the comfort of my own home.

I hope you two can work through this. She can be your biggest help if you help her to do so.

~Kris

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In the days after I had my shunt put it I was in a really bad way. Pain. Unmanageable nausea and discomfort and this triggered what I now know was a full blown anxiety attack. I called hubby and said ' I need you to just hold me' . He told me to 'get a grip'. :shock:

A few hours later when things were calmer I told him I loved him, thanked him for being there for me but if he ever told me that again then he could pack his bags! That said I forgave him totally because he just didn't understand what I was feeling at that moment and he told me honestly it frightened to see me in that situation. The key for us was we talked about it. His fears. My fears. I have had to be honest about what I can and can't do. He's had to be honest about how that has made him feel and how this whole thing scares him witless. We have faced up to the fear of it.

I can't do what I did prior to SAH in the same way David and neither can you. I have changed subtly in character and more obviously in Many other aspects. I lean more on him than I ever did and am less solid for him to lean on, he sees a fragility that was maybe always there but it's more obvious now. That's quite a change for any partner to come to terms with.

It's not about ' getting better now', it's about learning how do we live our lives together now. What does that look like, how can we make it special still and accept the changes in each other? Maybe your wife is trying clumsily to ask you to do that. Work out what works now for you both that gives you healthy and happy times.

strength will come from loving each other despite all the change.... And Maybe a little more because of it.

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Hi,

I am almost three months in and my husband wants me to start moving on already so I do understand, in some respects, what you are going through. I am doing pretty good but when I am alone and quiet I can't help but think about it all and frankly get pretty scared sometimes. I am not sure if that ever goes away?

In any life changing event, those that have not been there cannot possibly comprehend. She has been your caregiver and has delt with much herself, but, she is not you and cannot fathom what you have been through mentally and physically. I tell my husband this. It's darn hard.

I do know my husband has been through a lot as well and I am so grateful for his support and care and I am sure you are as well, but, just like healing takes a long time, so does moving on sometimes.

Just my two cents.

"i"

Edited by iola
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David,

You and wife seem so strong together, so do not take it out on her.

Think of the panic she has been through when you were ill. Still are I know x

My Al gets to me when he goes "yes yes diddlo Win = nutty Win". I give him a look that says all the swear words I can muster up and let him hear the last word, which in my case is the foulest. (Proud of that Win? No !!)

Mrs David has been through it also, she loves you so be nice and tell her you love her.

Now go and make up and There there pats knee j/k, and sing her a song from when you two first met xx

Love to you both xx xx

WinB alias MarriageguidancecouncillorforBTGers ha ha xx now smile xx The Pair of You xx

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