2 years ago

[Ponigirl]

Well I think any of us that have suffered any kind of brain injury can always relate to the date of the injury- no matter how many years. So the 15th, Thursday will be my 2 year rebirth date. In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday, then again it seems like a life time ago. I know I should be grateful to be alive, but I have a hard time with that. I feel like the part of my brain that controls my gratefulness/appreciation/positive moods - just doesn't work any more.

 

I used to be a VERY positive person- but not since the brain bleed. As hard as I try I just can't think positive and be grateful to be here. But I will always continue to try. I wonder if losing my brain, my horse of 25 years, and job all in a few months may have been too much for me. I was not depressed when I first got out of ICU- but after losing my horse and job- the depression set in and has not let up. 

 

So as I did last year on Jan. 15th I will get my haircut. I think I am going to make that a yearly thing- just for me.

 

Thinking of all you with a brain injury!!!!

[Carolynusa]

Ponigirl!  I have been thinking about you for several days.  Hadn't seen you in a while and was curious about your haircut and your mindset.  Tomorrow's the big day, girly-girl!  Haircut day!  Actually, I think of you every day as I look at my weird hair and wonder what I'll end up doing with it.  I will forever remember January 15th as your haircut day.  

 

So proud and happy for you that you have worked through your injury for two years!  You may not recognize it in yourself but you sound to me that you are coming along much better than you think.  

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean when you talk about depression and not being able to appreciate surviving an sah.  I say silly, light-hearted things on here but depression has been a mainstay with me since I was a little girl.  Several times since my SAH in June I have wailed and carried on about why I had to survive it.  I sometimes don't get the point.  I know you understand that.  Then I think of my family and carry on.  Think about it...what would the world do without Ponigirl?!?!?  I would definitely miss you.  I know lots of other people would feel the same.  

 

I don't know what happened to your horse but I am very sorry about that loss.  I know how much that kind of thing can hurt.  I'm a cat person.  I lost one to cancer about 4 years ago and I think about him all the time.  Also sorry about your job loss.  I carry on at home about how much I miss my job - I may even cry about it...but then(!) I remember how obnoxious it was to have to set an alarm, get dressed up in some weird getup, drive through town in all kinds of weather in a panic state to be on time, and then work my a.. off until the bell rings....lol.  I've decided when my head gets better I will do volunteer work.  I have to meet people.  It's who I am.  

 

So....maybe you should see a doc about your depression?  Medication could take care of your sinking feelings.  Give yourself time to heal yourself, your grief for your horse and job loss.  I'm 61 and, if there is one thing I've learned, time is everything.  

 

Have fun tomorrow!  Go for excitement!  Color your hair green or something absolutely ridiculous.  Maybe you can post a picture of yourself here with new "do".

 

Much love Ponigirl.  Keep your chin up.  One day at a time.

Carolynusa

[subzero]

Don`t ever give up Ponygirl

[Daffodil]

Poni girl, welcome to the two year club. Hope that haircut is special . My first haircut post sah was very emotional , he came to my house specially as I couldn't drive and surveyed the portions of undercut of hair and wondered what on earth to do with this shoulder length hair with two shaved bits; I looked like something from the muppet show!, anyhow we both cried as I showed him where my shark bite scar for the shunt was and where he need to avoid the EVD scar and burr hole and then he cut my hair and for the first time in a long time I felt a little bit normal so hair cuts are a good thing!! How about a dip dye!

I am approaching my third year anniversary this March and I think looking back that some of the most stretching times emotionally were just before my two year as the realisation finally hit me of what had changed but that said this past year has still brought gifts of healing and progress just not at the same pace but it will still come, ask anyone here. Casey I fully can understand your desire for things to improve quicker but this experience is sure a teacher of patience whether we like it or not.

Poni, I'm sorry for the loss of your horse but are you still getting to spend any time with horses, I think there is definitely healing in that plus just getting out helps the mood. I took on last year a part time share for my daughters who both ride, it was a big commitment for me, I didn't know if I could physically manage it, the grooming, tacking, mucking, plus driving there and back but together we did it and I learnt a lot knowing nothing really, and the horse, well let's just say he was very gentle and good to me and that moved me on a lot in my emotional recovery, I had to be calm and steady so I learnt from him. I'd quite like to get involved in riding for the disabled and my plan is to look at that this year, do you have anything similar?

I hope this year Is positive for you and yes keep faith and hope for continued improvement. The sah makes us lose so much of who we were but each day has something worth smiling about even the dreadful ones, I truly believe that.

[Macca]

Ponigirl Hi,

 

I'm four and a half years in and its been a right old journey through the dales - up and down, up and down.  Over time I've gone from despair and desperation to hope and aspiration.  I now look at what I can do not what I can't - and if I can't then I find another way.  It's hard, and everyone is different, I know that but the others above make such great points.

 

I've had two dogs in my life - two Mongrels or Heinz 57's (variety) as I called them. The first lived to twenty one and the second to 18.  I know they had a great and long life for dogs but when they went it was true bereavement.  I was devastated.  I didn't get another as I was in a job that started to take me all over the country.  So I can well understand how you felt with your horse and nothing can replace my dogs for me.

 

You say you lost your brain, your horse and your job in quick succession.  You didn't - You lost your horse and your job - your brain took on a new and different course, but you didn't lose it.  As for the others, jobs aren't everything - I guess you miss the social aspect as much as anything else.  As for your horse, nothing will ever replace the one you knew and loved, but can you still go riding, can you volunteer at a stables and be around horses, can you use a pony and trap, can you get someone to take you if you can't do it yourself?  There are ways to be around horses is what I am saying - and now you haven't got your job you can spend more time with them - that's even better!

 

Look forward Ponigirl, not back, Look at the privilege you had to be part of your horse's life and he/she yours. Think of the great time you had with your horse and the fabulous memories he/she gave you and talk about him/her as if still here.  That will make you smile.

 

Look at the time you had in your job with pride but think also now of the blank canvas to shape your life the way you want it to go, the opportunities that now open up before you.  

 

By all means look back at your past life with pride and enjoyment but don't let yourself become embroiled in what might have been. Look at your whole life now as an opportunity and go and seize it.  Interact with people and you will be amazed at what can happen.

 

Good luck Ponigirl - I hope you can find it within yourself to mount an overwhelming challenge to the way you see things at the moment and come out smiling on the other side.  Go and get that haircut, put on your best bib and tucker and feel proud of yourself - you have plenty to be proud about and I support you every step of the way!

 

Macca

[Winb143]

I agree with the others Poni xx You have wonderful memories of your horses as I have with my dogs.

Would the horses want you to grieve them or love them? Correct Love their memories.

Life ain't ever easy !! oops is not

We can carry on or grieve it's easier to grieve xx Life is so good and I am glad I got the chance to
speak to my daughter again and tell her I Love Her xx

I need you to cheer up and smile and thank those who loved you xx Please? xx

Be Happy and when you feel like it perhaps sing with Win and Carolyn?

Love you lots

Win xxxx xxxx

Altered as slang put in (aint instead of is not)

Edited February 8, 2015 by Winb143
Edited to remove slang - daffodil

[Carolynusa]

Ponigirl - I can't wait to hear about your haircut!  Been looking at mine all day thinking about "going for it".  Hope you got it done and hope you love it.  

 

Feel good.  Carolynusa

[Louise]

Its just the rollercoaster that we all have....

 

I had the SAH, lost my job then my Dad but hey you have to shake yourself and get on don't look back think of the great things ahead that what I did and wow 15yrs on still doing that...

 

take care

[Ponigirl]

Well my haircut turned out great! Love it! I think I am going to make this my "celebration" each year on

Jan. 15th. I am about 10 days into my new antidepressant and I can't complain. I know from experience that some meds work for a while and then just stop working for no reason. So I think maybe that is what happened with what I was on before. I think part of my problem was that I broke my shoulder in the early fall (Sept) and was laid up with that. Then when I started to heal and doing PT it was winter (cold and less daylight).

 

I got one of those lights for people that suffer from SADD. My hubby is a HUGE help. He helps me so much by just getting me outside everyday- even if just for a short bit. I am really looking forward to spring and being able to go out and plant flowers. Right now I am focused on my inside plants and Orchids.  

 

We will be putting our house on the market in March or April at the latest.

 

We had it on the market last year and had a contract. Settlement date was set and cancelled 3 times!! Very lucky for us we did not put a contract on a house yet. After the third cancellation we found out the guy could not get a loan. We found this out after we had all of our stuff packed up and moved out of the house and into a storage unit. We had given away half of our furniture because we planned on getting mostly all new furniture for our new house.

 

We were actually moving back into the house when I broke my shoulder. 

 

We had to buy and borrow furniture to be able to move back in and live here. 

 

Our poor dogs don't know if we are coming or going. We had moved everything out before the middle of August because the first settlement date was 8/15. We had all of our stuff in a storage unit and put our travel trailer/camper at a campground in Gettysburg, PA (about an hour away) and we were living at the campground.

 

The dogs love camping but I'm sure they were confused because we had to come back to the house to cut grass and then would go back to the trailer at night to sleep. I felt so bad for them. The beagle, Gus didn't care as long as he was with us. Candy, the Belgian Malinios was more in tune to what was going on and she didn't understand why we kept traveling back and forth so much. 

 

So I am really looking forward to spring- we will put the house back on the market- I will be able to be outside!!- I can take the dogs for nice long walks in warmer weather. 

 

This support group has helped me more than anything!! It is very comforting to have people that understand.

I really appreciate everyone's input and ideas. Thank you so much.

[Teechur]

I teared up reading your post as today is my third year. I got out of the hospital so full of optimism because, in my mind, I was going to be back to normal in four weeks. I might as well have put it on the calendar and circled it in red. 

 

Three years later I have too many days were I think "Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't made it" and I hate that dark place. I'm so tired of having a headache. Tired of coming home and wanting to take a nap, or going straight to bed only to get up and try to make it through another workday. I miss running my business, which has dwindled to next to nothing. I miss the old me. I am angry every time someone tells me to just be happy I'm alive because I am happy I'm alive and in fact understand I'm super lucky! I love my good days, but when bad days follow it's so depressing. 

 

I am very proud of myself, though. I reached out to a therapist who helps people with chronic pain with the strong support of my husband. I also am looking into a pain specialist. I think I'm finally accepting that this is the way things are and maybe that will help!

[Ponigirl]

Teechur- wow!!! My eyes stung with tears when I read your post. Yours as with lots of other people "like us" we say the same thing (maybe not the exact words- but it means the same thing).  Honestly  I have more days that I wish I had not made it. I feel like I am such an inconvience to my husband! He spends his life/retirement taking care of me instead of golfing. Then when he does go golfing he feels guilty and tries to rush back home- in case something happens. He knows how scared I am of being alone. Even though I try so hard to hide that from him. I push him to go golfing and I'm very happy when he does.

 

Then like other people "like us" I HATE when people say how great I look and how good I'm doing and how lucky I am to be alive. But I have learned how to accept it, because I realized that when someone gives me a compliment I certainly don't want to "not accept it" - I think that would just be rude. So I say thank you and I do realize how lucky I am. Bob tells me that is the lucky one because I did make it! And that makes me feel really good.

 

My husband, Bob is truly my hero!! He told me years ago that the only reason the good Lord put him on this earth was to take care of me. I always thought that was so sweet- especially since he is not a religious person- but he knows I am.

Today when I told him how much better off he would be if I had not survived my brain bleed, he totally disagreed and let me know that   He said he would be lost without me and how much he needs me. And I understand that, because I'd be lost without him!!!!  I am SO lucky to have him, his love and support!!

 

I do miss my job, taking my dog to work with me, being around all animal lovers and chatting about pretty much nothing but animals!! How great is that. So now I feel like I don't have a purpose. I can't (shouldn't) do any volunteering until I get my SSDI (disability). I do plan on volunteering with an animal rescue place. I am SO looking forward to that!

 

My new antidepressant seems to be doing OK- I am not feeling worse- so that is a good thing. 

I am not going to PT for my shoulder- I am doing my own therapy at home.

 

I am researching into taking a class with one of my dogs, either obedience or agility. I've done it before and look forward to doing it again. Anytime I am with my dogs I am in my glory and loving life.  I am very lucky that my husband enjoys the pups "almost" as much as I do!!

 

​Hope everyone is having a great day!

[Macca]

Ponigirl,

 

Life is a challenge, it's thrown down the gauntlet in front of you.  Pick it up, accept the challenge and go for it.  Enjoy your husband, enjoy the dogs, they're fabulous animals and their lives and yours will be enriched beyond comprehension for you having been a part of it!

 

When you feel down, have a gripe to yourself and those near you if you must. You have every right to feel down, we all do, but fight it and challenge it because you want to enjoy life as much as you can.  But never apologise for being down, there is no blame, it is who you are and you must never apologise for that.

 

Reminisce by all means.  You aren't lucky to be alive - you fought to be alive and you won, but no fight comes without injury.  In boxing even the winner has to have time to recover.

 

You will succeed Ponigirl, I sense that.

 

Good luck,

 

Macca

[Karen]

 

 

 

My husband, Bob is truly my hero!! He told me years ago that the only reason the good Lord put him on this earth was to take care of me. I always thought that was so sweet- especially since he is not a religious person- but he knows I am.

Ponigirl, if the shoe was on the other foot and it had been Bob that had suffered the SAH, you wouldn't have thought twice about doing the same as he's doing for you at the moment.....would you have?

 

It sounds as though you have a very good relationship with Bob and at the minute there's a period of readjustment in both your lives. However, some of this may only be temporary.....such as being frightened of being left by yourself. This feeling will eventually go as you become more confident, but that does take a little time. I don't know of many SAH'ers on here who haven't experienced that feeling and it is horrid.

 

Hold on to the thought that life will get better and it does, you won't always be feeling like you do now .... Bob is quite right in saying that he's the lucky one in still having you around. I think that many of us have imagined the devastation that we would have caused if we hadn't made it. SAH recovery does require a period of adjustment, but it doesn't mean to say that you will be stuck this way forever .... try to keep as positive as you can and you will see changes over time.

 

Hugs xx

[Super Mario]

Ponigirl, in the early days I used to say to my husband why didn't you tell them to let me go instead of you having to cope with me as I am now.

His answer was, "why would I want to lose my wife, no matter what"

 

It is 11 years today since that event, also was a Wednesday, and I am so glad still to be here to enjoy my family and life. Things have changed, some for the better, eg I can now drink red wine without a blinding headache after even just one sip. LOL. I was left with very little sense of balance but enjoy life to the full as best I can. Other than the occasional hiccup I really enjoy my life. 

 

Things do get better as you adapt to being the same person albeit a little different in some ways, if that makes sense.

 

I learnt a hard lesson as I am sure many others have, life is for living and enjoying, not for rushing around trying to fit numerous things into your day.

Enjoy spending time with your family and your animals.

[Louise]

Things do get better you adapt to the situation...

[Ponigirl]

I can't tell everyone here how much you help me!! I really wish I had found BTG 2 years ago. It makes me feel SO much better when I read what someone here writes and it is exactly what I think, feel or have said before.  When someone is realeased from the hospital or rehab after a brain injury it would be so helpful to be suggested or told about this site. I know for me when I came home I felt very lost and was not sure what to do. Then when the doc released me with out any information or anything about a NASAH. I am going to look into doing something about this from the hospital I was in.

Thank you all SO very much for all your help, support and most of all encouragement!!!

[Macca]

Ponigirl,

 

You are most welcome.  You are obviously a first rate person, deserving of a first rate life.  We are all human with the frailties of life built in.

 

You've been dealt a deck of cards - go and play 'em!

 

Good luck!

 

Macca

[Karen]

Ponigirl, you are most welcome from me as well. 

 

Just know that you will feel better with time and you will move forward...  we're all here to support you whenever you need it.... us older members have all been through what you're going through right now and understand how you're feeling.

 

As for spreading the word re: recovery information and if that's something that you want to do, then maybe that's a good focus for you, so you go for it lovely lady xx