Sarah - new member

[Shogan]

Hi. I am 42 years old and became a widow 11 days ago when my dearly loved husband of 16 years suffered a sudden and unexpected subarachnoid haemorrhage. We never got to say good-bye. He was brain-dead by the time the paramedics arrived. We have three young children and moved to a new city 6 months ago. I feel so lost, so sad, and so angry but I'm also terrified that the kids could have inherited it.

In New Zealand, where we live, they don't screen for it unless at least two relatives had it. I have no family to support me as a single mum and I'm now living in fear that I could lose a child the same way I lost my wonderful husband. How do you get over the loss and the fear? I can't stop crying.

[Winb143]

Sorry for you and your children's loss.

 

I cannot say what to do as not medically trained, I had an SAH and I saw my parents while out of it, a dream ???

 

All I can say is my Aunt had a bleed and the Doctor said she wasn't a close relative.  My Dad's Sister ??

 

I wish you well and your children well,  keep being strong for your Children, to be honest I feel so sad for you and your children.

 

Sorry  is all I can say.  Cant you insist that they have a scan or write to someone in the know?

 

Good Luck and be strong for the Children xx

 

Love

WinB143 xx

[ClareM]

Hi

 

So sorry to hear about your husband, how sad you didn't get to say goodbye. There is not much I can say except SAH is rare so hopefully your children will be safe. Have a chat with you GP and explain your situation, maybe he will have some answers for you. You could try contacting http://www.brain-injury.org.nz/ or   http://www.supporttrust.org.nz/support-organisations/headway-brain-injury-association/ they may be able to help and support you.

 

You will never get over losing your husband in such a sad way but hopefully you will learn to accept it with time, be strong for the children, my thoughts are with you.

 

Clare xx

[Karen]

Admin note to members: the above link in Clare's post for the brain injury organisation in New Zealand for some reason, comes up with a page containing an error code, so it looks as though there's a problem with their site/page link. To view this site, just search for brain injury org nz and you'll find it. 

[Chelle C]

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss, I think what Clare has put in her post may be the way forward for you,

they may be able to point you in the right direction for the help you need, they might put your mind

at rest where the children are concerned.

 

I can`t begin to imagine what you are going through right now, 

This site is a great comfort to many people and i`m sure we will all do our best to help you through

this very difficult time. You should as Clare said speak to your Doctor about your fears for your children.

 

It`s only 11 days since you lost your husband, It`s all still very raw for you and your children,

You will find the strength to cope I`m sure.

 

My thoughts are with you and your children.

 

Michelle xx

[Daffodil]

Sarah. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief and hurt you and your children are feeling at this time. So very dreadful but it's really important to ask for help, people will want to help, grab it with both hands.

We can't answer your questions about hereditary links as no one really knows, I can only tell you as someone who feels so very lucky to survive an SAH event that I have been told my young daughters don't need scanning. I trust in this advice for now but if they wanted to be checked as they are older I would also support that decision as I could see how concern could arise. For now if you can put that one worry to one side until you feel emotionally stronger and focus on you and the kids, take one day at a time.

http://skylight.org.nz is an organisation to help children who are grieving, maybe they have support organisations locally to you.

I hope you get some help and hugs in the coming weeks and months. Im not sure to be honest how you cope with the fear and anger especially with such sudden loss which is so very hard but be try to be comforted when you can by happier memories and times spent together, maybe build memory boxes with the children , I know that helped a friend and her kids who went through the same as you.

My very best wishes.

[kempse]

Hi Sarah,

 

I was so saddened to read of the situation you have found yourself in. I'm really sorry your beloved husband was taken from you and the children at such a young age.  As with any trauma in our lives, it seems to bring all sorts of concerns to the fore, with so many unanswered questions going round and round  our heads - the what ifs and why me etc.

It can then get overwhelming and the release is to cry.  This is a natural thing to do when losing someone so close to you, grieving is a very personal thing and whilst some people cope with it in their own way, others will seek help from organisations such as cruse bereavement which is here in the uk.,but I'm sure there will be similar organisations where you are.  I'm not suggesting you will need help in this way, but in order to cope with all the things that come with being a mother, you will need to be mentally healthy in yourself. As others have said, a visit to your GP maybe a good starting point to explain how you feel.

 

You mention your concern about your children - I would encourage you to try not to worry about this - the same thoughts have been through my own mind. I have 3 children, I had a subarachnoid haemorrhage and survived whilst my granddad had one and didn't survive. Likewise my kids won't be scanned as a matter of course, it is nearly 7 years since my sah and two of my kids are now adults. I have learnt to accept that just because I had a sah, doesn't mean they will too. I hope you can put this one at the back of your mind for the time being, which will enable you to focus on the here and now.

 

I hope you do find some support to help you through this difficult time, being in a new city for a relatively short time is enough in itself for someone to feel 'lost', so don't hesitate to come back on here - there's usually someone around to offer support or advice.

 

~ best wishes,

 

Sarah

[Sharlua]

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry to hear your loss and can guess what a terrible time you and children are experiencing my father died at 45 and was sudden so I have some appreciation of how your world feels blown apart. Whilst my father died of a heart attack, his sister died at 35 with a burst aneurysm, my younger sister has four aneurysms and I had SAH in January.

I asked my GP about my children who are in 30's now with such a terrible family history, my GP did refer daughter for MRI (son lives in America - so he had decided against seeking advice) and she was seen by consultant first, he explained that her chances were not high of having this and felt the MRI would not be helpful.

I think it is natural for you to worry I have had to put it aside and like my sister said to me there are so many things that can happen the best you can do is ensure they are as healthy and loved as possible.

I do hope you can find some support where you live, people on here are a friendly bunch and will listen as well, it is very soon and you and your kids will still be reeling so please be kind to yourself as that roller coaster of emotions has to normal.

Take care x

Sharon

[Macca]

Hi Sarah,

 

Firstly -welcome to BTG.  I am so sorry for your loss and  wish you the very best as you try to come to terms with it.

 

I was married to the mother of my two sons for sixteen years - she then had a SAH around 1987. My boys were 10 and three at the time. I had my SAH almost five years ago.  That means my boys have two parents who have suffered this.  It is rare for it to happen in the same family.  Naturally I was worried about my two boys. They are 38 and 32 respectively now.  My former wife recovered well, but her personality changed and, well, we're not married anymore.

 

I asked my doctors about it.  His response was that we had just been unlucky and that there was no proof that this is hereditary, but he did admit there was very little by way of research.

 

He likened what had happened to us to that of riding a push-bike and getting a puncture.  Some will go forever without getting one and others will get one and the cause will not always be apparent.  Results of the puncture would also vary from being easily repairable to not being repairable at all.

 

I also have a friend who has suffered four SAH's and survived them all.  He is such a rarity that the hospital ask him to address patients groups and doctors and nurses groups.

 

I also know of two people locally who survived SAH but one has severe mental problems as a result and another who's having currently to be taught to walk and talk again and is a shadow of his former self.  However, they are still with us and we are grateful for that and progress is being made with both of them.

 

I am lucky.  I have recovered very well apart from my pituitary gland having been damaged and as a result I have to have some hormone injections daily to combat chronic fatigue.

 

I cannot imagine what it is like for you having lost someone, but I can tell you that people on here understand what it is like to suffer with SAH and what it is like to watch our families suffer at the same time watching us go through it.

 

What I can tell you is that my sons are going from strength to strength and they show no signs of any problems.  Please try not to worry.  SAH is rare, and occurring more than once in the same family is rarer still.  Obviously my wife and I were married and not blood related.  But my sons are blood related to both of us and are healthy and well.

 

I hope this helps you.  Please talk things over with your doctors.

 

I wish you and your family well.

 

Macca

[paul99]

Sarah

 

My heart goes out to you and the children. it is as one would say early days the shock will be with you for a while,

let the tears roll don't hold them in sweetheart.

 

As it has been mentioned try the support sites given I would think the hospital may be trying to support you as well.

 

After so many years in the health service over here, all I can suggest is to remember hubby the good days and the funny times you both rolled over laughing the days the babies were born.  the times you may have thrown a saucepan over his head ..no one can take those  thoughts from you and in time I hope you may be able to cherish everything you did together without the pain you are currently suffering.

 

Think about  starting  a memory book so in the months and years ahead you will be able to look together the children and your self.

 

Their isn't much anyone can say at the moment but from the UK, massive hugs and cuddles from us all.

[sbaker]

My heart goes out to you , what a tragic loss for you and the children. I ditto all that has been said, so no need to repeat it..

 

I will however tell you and all of those above:  My husbands Neurosurgeon is considered to be the SAH guru in our country. His recommendation because it turns out that my husband had 2 male relatives that suffered ruptured aneurisms ( not in the brain ) and then my husband having the SAH , our 28 yr. old son should be CT scanned now for a baseline and going forward 1 x per year. Says that although there is no "proof" these seem to be familial in nature.

 

Even though my husbands may have been a result of Eliquis