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Jan

This is me

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I wrote the following a couple of months ago. I think some of you will identify with it!I it gave a couple of my family members an insight as to how I was feeling



THIS IS ME
losing Things

I've lost......... a chunk of my life
My confidence
My Independence
My Stamina
My motivation
My identity

I look in the mirror I don't know the person I see,who is this looking back at me?
The 'old Jan'has gone, I miss her, I mourn for her
People look at me differently now. I have to accept the 'new Jan' can you too?
I am angry and sad inside but I can walk and talk so must be ok?
I will be.

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And you will be okay xx

 

We have to let our family know my hubby gave me a piece of paper and pencil and I wrote "help me"  !!

 

Sad but we are here living proof that there is life after an SAH although we get down somedays

I/We will survive as Gloria Gaynor would sing.

 

Now listen to Keith as he has helped me loads and is a nice bloke

 

Love ya lots xx

 

Win xx xx

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Cheers Win

 

Think I've helped a few over the past few years..plenty of room for more.

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Returns all the spoons I held onto for some down days,  hands them back to Keith all but one  ha ha  xxxxxx

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Hi Jan -

I read your poem just now and am sorry you feel sad about the "new you". I just wanted to say that the last line is the best. I think you will be also.

Ignore the people you think are looking at you differently. Smile at them and bravely stand up and walk..as you have that ability! Some don't.

Give yourself a break, Jan. I believe you will begin to love yourself again in due time.

You said it.."I will be".

Take very good care and try to remember you are still beautiful.

Carolyn

I was in Hosp. 7 weeks and had a lot of scars, etc. Hair shaved, shunt scar, shark bite..you know. We stopped somewhere on the way home because I had been craving Mexican food so badly and just walked right in and ate. I didn't care what people thought of me. I still feel that way with a few exceptions.

I look in the mirror and don't see much difference. I am me with some glitches. Maybe it is because I can't remember who I was!

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Win and Keith, thank you both so much for all the advice and support yesterday.

Carolyn, Thank you for your kind words, I wrote that when I'd been home from hospital for a couple of months. We really realise who cares and who is there for us don't we?

Does anyone else find that the further down the recovery road we travel, the less we see of friends and family? It's like 'she's ok now, no need to visit', and actually, now is the time that we could use the love and support and company?

Anyway I'm rambling on .again I'll give you all a break now and go and make a coffee, decaf, of course!!!

Jan x

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Hope you are well Jan,

 

Going to pretend I have been awake all Day lol

 

Get ready for Hubs to come in lol xxxxx  I really had a good sleep last night and still woke up tired lol

 

Love to All on BTG

 

Win xxxxxx

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Hi Jan...

Sorry to keep gabbing at you, but I thought of one other thing. Sorry if I said this before.

Maybe people are looking at you differently because they can't believe that you are still alive and came out of it with most facilities intact. Yay for you! Think that when you look in the mirror. You are a miracle!

Be happy please

Carolyn

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hi Win, I'm fine thank you, just having a couple of down days at least that means there should be a couple of good ones on the way? Hope you are well, thank you for being here for me

Love Jan x

Carolyn, thank you for your lovely words.as I said to Win just a bit down at mo. Sometimes I wonder if I just need to give myself a good kick up the behind! ! !

Love J an x

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I Think you better come in the Green room Jan and singalong with Hippy CarolynUSA, Subs and myself as a song helps.

 

Now I say this a lot so please try it Ready?

 

Corners of mouth turn them upwards towards eyes so a smile breaks over your face and again now how do you feel as I heard when you have a smile on your face You cannot feel sad xx  You might look a fool but a smiling fool lol xx

 

Hope you cheer up and get a song ready xx

 

Drink water also  xxxx

 

Love

 

Win xxxx

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Wish I'd seen this message earlier, I would've joined you for sure. Let me know if you're going to be in there tomorrow morning, I'd love to join you!

Jan

I've followed the smile instructions, you do make me feel better Win. See you in the green room tomorrow

Jan x

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Daughters birthday today so will catch you later xxx

 

Remember I know old songs and only happy ones and Carolyn is a hippy  lol and Subs is a canny Scots  xx

 

Now keep smiling even if you look daft xx I smile and hubby looks at me weird !! lol

 

If it keeps us happy then smile xxxxx

 

Catch you later Daughters got her chocs out again lol xxxx

 

Love

Win xxxx  Smile xxxx

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Hi Jan!

Funny about you needing to kick yourself in the behind. My husband would like to kick me in the behind at least once a day.

Since Win described us I decided I had better tell you the "real" us

Win is a great singer. Keith will vouch for that. She is also a chocolate sneak. Don't bring any around her if you value your life .

Sub's is indeed a Scotty dog... Wait! I meant a Scottish man. He drinks lots of lattes, eats lots of butterys, and some other weird Scottish food . I'm from U.S. so I don't get it. Lol. He also is very, very in love with Mrs. Subs. An amazing carer.

I'm perfectly normal and don't let those two tell you otherwise .

There are so many other great people in Green Room. Stop by!

Carolyn✌

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Hi Jan

 

Coming into Green Room ??  Hope all is well today and see you in there xxxx

 

You do what you want to do xxxx

 

Be Well

 

Win xx xx

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Jan -This is you!

 

Lost 5% - there's another 95% to play with.

 

Confidence - you just need some temporary reassurance - you're doing just great!

 

Independence - it's still there, you just have someone to help now and again until you do it yourself again

 

Stamina - catch the bus - it's just a different route to the results you want.

 

Motivation - the doctors and nurses who helped you and your family who stood by you and cared for you.

 

Identity - you've just added some new facets, familiarise yourself with them and you'll see the old you is still in there too!

 

You are ok - you're just wearing a different coat that some don't recognise, but that's their problem not yours.

 

You were a child once -your childhood has gone but you don't mourn for it, you remember with fondness and a smile. Do the same now.

 

You've progressed in life and taken some new steps, that's all.

 

The 'old' you is in a photograph album.  Bring it out and laugh and recreate some of the situations you pictured.

 

The new you is here and now. 

 

Don't beat yourself up about it - enjoy it.

 

Life is for living, change happens, it's how you deal with it that counts!

 

Love yourself and everyone else will love you for it.

 

Best wishes

 

Macca

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Macca you are a star. You always have the kindest most thoughtful (and thought provoking)encouraging words.

Thank you so much

I will go forwards wearing my new coat!

Love Jan x

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Thanks Jan - it sounds great!

 

When you put things in context and flip the coin to look at the other side, it all seems to fit into place!

 

It was my pleasure - glad I could help.

 

Macca

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Hi Jan,

 

It`s still early days for you, Macca is right though in what he says,

 

He gave me a lot of very helpful advice when I first came on BTG,

 

He is a very caring person, he always manages to put things into words

which help you feel better.

 

When I read This Is Me. it brought tears to my eyes, you will get there,

it just takes a little time.

 

We are all here for you as you move along with your recovery,

 

They are all fantastic people on here as you are finding out,

 

I never thought there could be so many kind and caring people in one place,

 

You take care, as Win would say keep smiling,

 

Love

 

Michelle xx

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Hi Michelle, thank you for your lovely words, I'm sorry it made you cry.

You are right about everyone on this site, lovely lovely people who genuinely care and understand, amazing really considering we haven't met one another, but we all have a very special bond don't we?

Take good care

Love Jan x

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I remember in the earliest of days Macca telling me I was doing just fine. I still think about that and remember how scared I was. I do miss the other me. Yes, she is still in there but not as prevalent. What has emerged is another me that is a survivor. Scarred from battle and pushing forward every day stronger and more determined than before to live this life God has given me.

 

I certainly get angry and sad but more angry now because life threw me a curve ball when didn't even want to play the game. But, here I am over three years later and without the peeps on this site I would've been lost. Where else can you go and find this kind of knowledge and experience? Nowhere.

The folks here were my brain when my brain was to sick to think for itself. I am thankful for that.

Iola

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Jan sorry missed this Wow your lost things are exactly the same as mine, and yes if you/we dont give them insight to how you are because they are never going to understand unless you tell them.

 

And again Yep as time goes on friends and family don't seem as helpful as in the beginning.

 

I hope you continue your recovery and get the support you need.

 

take care

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