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Jan

4 Years - What a different life

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It was 4 years last Friday 7th June that my brain let me down so very badly and changed  my life entirely.

This has been my worst year by far.I have words and their meanings in my vocabulary now that I never thought would apply to me, for example....... depression, anxiety, ptsd, fear. I have little self confidence.I have got into a rut that I need to find my way out of.

 

This next year will be a year of change.It has to be.

First step ( The BigOne ) is underway, selling the house and moving somewhere new. John and I realise  now that there are only the two of us on this journey so the destination is OUR choice without having to consider others and what they might think.

 

We have no family support at all so we need to hold each other’s hand very tightly and walk our own path to wherever it leads us. I try to be upbeat about the changes and challenges ahead but that finger of fear still taps me on my shoulder and by doing so has the unique ability to darken a day. I can only keep trying to try which is my intention.

 

I am lucky, so lucky to have 3 people in my life who I love dearly and can rely on ALWAYS. My wonderful & very patient husband John. My darling Mum, and of course my very best friend Michelle who has helped me every step of the way and I hope will continue to do so because I’d be lost without her.Thank you Michelle for everything, for always being there for me. Love you.

 

I’ll finish here, I didn’t know what I was going to post here so  I’ve been typing as I’ve thought.

Jan xx

 

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Happy (?) Anni-versary Sis

 

Don't beat yourself up about the way you've been feeling.  It's a massive change and huge adjustment to get through recovery.  I'm 13 years in August and I still have days where I'm scared, frustrated and very angry. I think, in our position, we're entitled to feel a whole range of emotions - good, bad and sometimes darn right ugly - but we are survivors and it is, and always will be, our prerogative!!

 

Good luck with moving and enjoy every step of the path to a new life with John xxx

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Happyish anni- versary Jan. I hope this year brings some positive changes to your life. 

 

I am just ahead of you on the journey and too feel my life has changed so much since the big event. I too feel I lost a lot of people along that journey but am heartened by the new ones I have found. 

 

Glad you have some people you can you can trust and rely on. Hang on in there girl. Fingers crossed for your move. 

 

Clare xx

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Morning Jan. I too am alone, (ish). But, I've made some very special new friends too. 

 

Depression, reared its ugly head some time ago. I looked into getting support. I found a group called resource therapy.

 

This is run by my local Council and NHS, it helped me so much. I'm no longer depressed as you can see from my posts.

 

Although I don't tell everyone else about how I feel, I do let Elaine and Cookie know. They are my closest support circle.

 

I'm guess I'm lucky enough in a way because I get to be rather silly at times! Playing at my shop, being super silly with Elaine. In as much as making her jump at every opportunity I get.

 

On yesterday's green room topic I have asked if people get anxious as their anniversary gets closer, you have given an answer to that without knowing about the question.

 

Fear is real, but you can conquer it. Just find one thing that makes you smile, build on that, it's fun and will start to overflow into your daily life!

 

Secondly, see if you can find something that gives you pleasure in doing. In my case its cooking. Going to charity shops  looking for nice books full of recipes.

 

Here's one I do often. I'll ask Elaine to sit at my feet to look away and listen and not to comment. I pour my emotions out, I feel that by asking her not to do or say anything at the time helps.

 

Just by listening your partner will know what's wrong and maybe a few days later says or does something that makes you smile. 

 

Do this weekly and repeat as often as needed. When your lips curl up into a smile then you know you're on the right path. The rule of not saying anything is important. They MUST remain quiet during  the talk.

 

Leave notes around your home saying today I'll smile x times and do x things that make me happy. It works....

 

Occasionally going for a walk in to the middle of nowhere and screaming loudly is also good for you. If you can't go out then a pillow often works too...

 

Once again a long reply for this I'm sorry.

 

But at the end of the day a smile is warming, a scream is releasing and a hug is heaven......

 

 

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Oh, Jan if you want to know more read my large anni-versary post at 2137 on Saturday!

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Congratulations on your 4th Anni-versary,

 

As Sami said, don't beat yourself up about the way you have been feeling, I think most of us here can empathize with you where our feelings are concerned.

 

I think once you have found your new home and you get settled, you will start to gain a bit more confidence, don't give up on it, you still have it, just needs a little help to show it's self again. 

 

As for you & John walking this path alone ( I know what you are talking about there ) just wanted to say, you will never be alone, you have all of us here at BTG, we are with you every step of your new journey as it all unfolds, I wish you so much happiness with that new journey.

 

As for family support, I can certainly relate to that, my sister's are exactly like yours, they don't see it, they don't understand it, so they feel that " you are better " if only that were true.

 

Jan, there is no need to thank me, we have helped each other, it has been lovely getting to know both you and John over the last couple of years, you both have a very special place in my heart and always will, yes I will always be here for you no matter what, as I know you will always be there for me, love you lots.

 

So here we are looking forward to your next 12 month's, new home, new adventures and definitely a new journey, I wish you well as you set out on this new life for both you and John. 

Sending you lots of love my very special friend.

Love

Michelle xx 

 

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