One day late in the summer, after my son came home from Paris where he was studying Music at a conservatory, I was irritated that I had to attend a meeting at church, but I did like the committee so I really couldn't complain much. After having jumped in the car, I caught myself thinking, "Ya know, nothing REALLY terrible has happened to you and if it had, wouldn't it give you a better understanding of things?"...Then I said out loud, "What the heck are you wishing for?" I then made it to the meeting and not 5 minutes had gone by when I had the worst headache of my life! My voice started rising in pitch and I felt compelled to lie down on the floor because I thought I might fall down and bang my head. I wouldn't want that. Luckily, my pastor was right there. He asked me what he could do and I said, "Call 911 first and then my husband." My breathing was getting labored at this point. The paramedics arrived very fast and they asked me which hospital they should take me to and I said, "Which ever is best for Neuro." So they took me to University of Michigan. Once in the emergency room, I was given a complete neuro work-up including a CT scan. It reveled a perimesencephalic SAH. While The staff stepped out to put a treatment plan together, I had another terrible headache and vomited and became unable to speak or move except I could shake my head back and forth. They did another CT scan and my SAH had progressed and become slightly diffuse.
I remember my son taking off his glasses and putting his face in his hand. I thought, "I may not make it." but I did. I was very surprised to "awaken" a while later. When My pastor was saying prayers with my family and me, I thought that I wouldn't come back if I went into that prayerful/reflective mode of being. I made the decision to go forth into the unknown and was prepared to die. I was at peace. Total peace.
I was then admitted to the Neuro ICU and subsequently moved to the Stoke Unit after 5 days regaining my mobility very slowly. From then I went to inpatient rehab for just over a week. All-in-all, I was in the hospital 3 weeks. When I came home, I felt like 2 people and was dizzy as heck. It took me months to try and describe it..."Like I am in a gyroscope 24/7". I had trouble focusing on the big picture in all aspects of my life, I guess I could only handle the small parts like laying out all my clothes (parts) because what? Oh yah, I'm getting dressed (the big picture).
Now I'm in my 6th month post SAH and have less physical, but still weird ethereal bodily feelings and more emotional issues. I cry a lot and keep wondering what's going to be next on the road to recovery. I've found that it isn't something to "Fight for" or I shouldn't, "Beat it", but I need to surrender to it.