I've just passed the 12 month mark of my little Annie rupture (Christmas Eve) and have to admit I'm still struggling with many things, although to see how far I've come in a year is amazing!
The days leading up to this Christmas were very strange. I know I didn't have my bleed because it was Christmas but I was very anxious and aware of trying to do everything different to last year, even changed the opening times of the salon and went to a different pub for a xmas drink with the girls after work! Call me superstitious...but it worked for me lol!!
I'm still having problems, especially emotionally. My moods are so up and down it's incredible and I am still having problems with my sleep pattern. I can go for days and days where I can only manage a few hours a night, then maybe a day or so when I really can't get out of bed. I thought this would have settled down by now but after reading some of your stories, I realise I am still in what could be classed as early stage of recovery, so whilst it is very frustrating it is also good to know it's not unusual!
I think we're all guilty of thinking we're the exception to the rule and put pressure on ourselves to be better much quicker than we actually can be! On the up side the headaches do seem to be coming less often and not as bad, except obviously when lack of sleep forces them, it's a vicious circle!
My family do get a bit frustrated with me at times. Mum's even told me to "go to the doctors and get myself sorted out!" but I really don't want to take sleeping tablets if I don't have to. I've tried explaining that sleep disturbance is a normal part of recovery and if I can deal with things without meds, ie sleep when I need to, then that's my way of dealing with things. Having said that I was in bed at 10:30pm last night and it's now 5:30am. I've been up for hours, washing, ironing and doing housework and am supposed to be working till 6pm today.....I feel an afternoon nap coming on!
One thing I have noticed is my memory seems to be getting worse. I thought that being a year on I would notice an improvement not a decline. Again this is worse when I am tired, but I find it more and more frustrating trying to drag things from the back of my mind. I can start a conversation and halfway through forget what I was going to say, then get spoken to like I'm 6 yrs old again "don't worry, it'll come back to you"! I'm also a lot more forthright than I used to be, often saying things that I wouldn't have dreamt of saying before, which is not always a good thing!
My GP has been very dismissive and the odd occasion I have been to see her she's basically told me to get on with things, to see how far I've come in 3 months and to think how far I'll have come in another 3 months...that was after telling me I was feeling suicidal at times because I was suffering with "survivors guilt". She never offered any help, counselling or anything. Needless to say I haven't been back for months and am doing ok on my own, I think haha!!
It's so good to have this site to be able to read everyones stories and see how your recoveries have been, it gives me confidence, that what I'm feeling is quite normal, which makes me feel better than my GP ever could. We've all been in the same boat and the comfort it gives me makes me realise that I will get there in the end. It's just going to take longer than I'd like!
Wishing you all a happy, healthy 2010!
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