Today, in 2011 was my mums last day alive, as fully functioning human being. I posted on here looking for answers and a miracle and while a miracle never came, the support and love I got from people helped me so much. I'll never forget it.
I am at university now, I've moved away from home, my dad and brother now live on their own, my dad is attempting to date which is going horribly wrong but my brother is really finding his strengths, he's doing very well but the relationship between the two of them is shaky at best, so I worry and I felt incredibly guilty for leaving them.
It still feels like a dream to me, like she'll come back some day as if its just been a long holiday but it never happens. I'm so happy, I've met the man I want to marry, found a career I love, living in a wonderful house, in a wonderful city but there is still a guilt there, the guilt at not being able to help my father and a guilt at having the life my mother never did. Hers and my fathers marriage was difficult, my father is very demanding and angry, something I wish I would've known sooner but I didn't. How could i?
She didn't have the life she deserved but I hope she is now. It almost makes me feel guilty and selfish for wanting her back, but I just wish she was here to talk to. I always pictured her, helping me choose a wedding dress, playing with my kids and growing old gracefully and respectfully. I just miss her. So much, but I am very grateful for the support I received here and wish the best of luck to those going through it.
I'm not going to sugar coat it, there are no easy answers. Death is a very strange thing, something we all handle differently, but it does get better, the good days start to outnumber the bad and as you can see from all the survival and amazing stories of the people on this board, many do pull through, so never give up on that idea either.
I love you all and wish you all the best.
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