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Maria R.

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  1. Hi all, So in one week I'll be flying to Chicago to spend 10 days with the love of my life (I'm not ready to say goodbye so I won't consider it might be the last time). I'll be taking with me some pills (I have been having very tough times after the diagnosis so, in the end, I was almost forced to go to the doctor, and though the waiting list means I won't have an appointment with a psychologist to accompany me through these times until may) the pills are supposed to help in the most critical moments, we will see.. I have booked an apartment to try to give him some space that he may not find in a hotel, but until we are there we won't know if it's for the best. Anyway I wanted to thank you all for your good wishes and prayers, and let you know that I'm still here, doing everything I can for my man. Maria x
  2. Hi all, I haven't been very active for a while, because I'm still struggling with my everyday life, while keeping up with my calls and connections with Paul. But when I got used to it I just got the worst news and it looks like there's still more suffering to go through: Paul has lung cancer stage 4.. And today I wish it was me so I could stop this terrible pain, and I feel too tired to face what will come. At least we have agreed they won't tell him, he doesn't need to know. And I keep worrying how they will know when he is in pain, and many other things on his everyday life from now on. Hope your world has more hope and happy moments in it Maria x
  3. Hi all, I'm just talking out loud and though I do it many times every day, mostly to myself, today I feel I need to ask for your opinions: These last days every time we talk Paul tells me he thought I would go there the same or the next day. And he sounds so sad when I tell him I won't be going for a while because I still feel like lying if I agree when he is not correct, and I never lied to him. So I keep wondering if I should do it on these occasions and agree with his idea, because as you've told me it's his world and his facts, It makes me feel that I disappoint him for not being able to go and stay with him, so it's a vicious circle.. Maria x
  4. Thanks Michelle, hopes are not very high now, I guess I'm still down after it all and with the accident and not being able to talk with him when I felt so vulnerable didn't help. I'll keep waking every day and calling him and trying to connect any other way they make possible for us in case it may help until I can afford to go back to stay with him for a while. Sending love back Maria x
  5. Thanks Tina, I don't think I'm strong, I doubt it some days but then I just have to keep waking up every day and hope that when I get home after work I can talk with Paul and maybe that day he will be able to chat from a quiet place (which makes a big difference in what he reminds of me and us). I don't have much pain now so working on getting better, thanks again Sending love back Maria xx
  6. Hi all, It's been one month since I came back from staying one week with Paul, but due to a small accident I haven't felt like doing much besides work. On the whole and besides being mentally and physically exhausting, we had very nice times and very tough ones too, though I don't regret at all the efforts I put into making it possible. When I arrived there his family told me that I could take Paul with me all the time I wanted to, which was a surprise. So we spent the first hours together out of the center to assess how it could work and it was smooth enough to make me feel we could spend all days together. But when we went to the center to get his stuff and medecines he lost concentration and disconnected enough to start an argument on some past memory with his ex wife that ended up with him breaking up with me. It was so disconcerting and sad, I thought I would be able to get through to him on those difficult moments, but I was wrong. They told me about the sundown syndrome and that we should start it over the next day. I was fearing he might not want to see me again, but his face lit up when he saw me first hour in the morning and when I told him that I was going to kidnap him for a few days (a joke of us). So the next days I took him for walks (at the center it's easier for him to be lazy so he is still struggling with walking after so many months on a wheelchair), to eat his favorite food, we took naps and talked. And we had some long times when he was sure he had meetings and stuff to do and me trying to explain or remind him that we were on holiday or that he hadn't taken his car or that I was paying for everything or that we weren't meeting someone.. It's amazing how he forgets what he did a while ago and can hold on to one of these stories for hours. Those moments were tough and upsetting (I felt they were for both) and as he wakes constantly during the night very trying. But we had times of us too, very nice times, when we walked holding hands or sat down and just were together or talked or when he got moved by the love letters, stories of our time together and all the pics I put together for this visit. And I knew he was really talking to me, reminding bits of this and that that came out in our conversations. And now I still call him every day, even though I don't know if he will ever come back. And I still miss him terribly and feel very sad, and not sure if my stay made even a small change for him. Maria x
  7. Thanks Tina for your wishes, warms a heart that needs a lot of that Maria xx
  8. Thanks for the detailed answer Macca, it looks like you read my mind (not sure if that's good ?) I was counting on checking with his family (I'm staying at a hotel but I'm always asking for updates and I have made sure they know when I'll be there and my hope to make it count). I'll be honest and won't say I'm not overthinking because I am and have been these last days, but don't worry because I have no hopes on the outcome. I have got myself used not to expect anything good after this year, and keep writing some words to Paul every day (5 notebooks already and counting) telling him how he was on our call and how I feel, pointing out those little things like when he says my name,or how he is himself.. Yes your words always help, one way or another, so thanks again, I'll update when I get back Maria x
  9. Thanks for your wishes Louise, What I meant (with my English being not my first or second language, thanks for the patience there) is that he has been in a center for more than half a year, not being aware of where he is, just making up the answer every day when I call (usually he is working, sometimes at a wedding..) so he doesn't have a phone, nor his money, his case, his home.. That's why I asked now I'm able to visit him again Maria x
  10. Hi all, It's been a while since I last posted but there haven't been changes in Paul's situation, or at least noticeable ones that could bring any hope now that's been one year since he had his hemorrhage. He's been out of the wheel chair for some time now but as I haven't seen him (though keep calling every day) not sure how mobile he is. I'm writing this because this Friday I'm flying to the US to spend a few days with Paul (well, at a hotel close to his center) and his family told me that they would try to help me take him out of the center some time during the 6 days I'll be there (don't know the details yet). So I keep thinking what would you recommend to be my response when he asks for the things in our life that don't belong to his life now, like when he says he can't find his phone, or when he comments about something that doesn't have any relation with now, or me, .. Do I try to make some correction? Is it worth for any kind of recovery? It's easier to deal with this situations on a phone call (upsetting as they are anyway), but I would like to make my stay count, even if it's only a bit, because I'm doing this for him, and because I miss him every day.. Maria x
  11. On the last days of this terrible 2017, and when it will be one year since I last spent time with Paul before everything changed, I just wanted to thank you all for the support you have given me these months and wish the best for you and your loved ones, Mariax
  12. Holding on to that Macca! Looking forward to the day I can share a good moment with you all, my support in these long months Maria x
  13. Thanks Macca, working on that on the bad days (today's chat wasn't one of the best which left me down, trying to climb up) and on the good ones when they come. What I've been doing since it happened is write for him, talk to him in a notebook, and it helps me to remind myself the little things that have improved . Maybe one day I'll be able to share it with Paul.. Maria
  14. That's very considerate of you Macca, taking the time to check it all and write what you've learned about it. Yes I get what you mean, and believe me I came back from staying with my fiancé with hope which was something totally unexpected. I contacted with the director and everybody around him those days to try to get a different approach from them when I call him every day (it's different when you know a bit the person you are talking to) and I'm following them because yes they told me they would try to make possible chats on Skype, but I'm still waiting for the first connection. I know it was so different when he saw me! I can only hope that can help him a little more. You are correct, I feel I'm not doing enough and try to search other ways to help him. Are there any guides I can read or study so my calls are more useful for him? I wish I could be with him because when I was around I felt he worked harder on walking and being present and that upsets me. But I'm here for him and the pace his healing may take, even though it's hard and I still cry and miss him every day. Hope you are well, you all help me stay strong (or at least stronger than I thought I could be)
  15. Thanks Paul and all for the messages and support. It's the only place where I pour my doubts and what it's going on because it's very difficult to explain to my family and friends what my fiancé Paul and I are going through. I don't want to sound despondent or whining either, you've all been or are going through the same or worse and I have to count as a blessing to be able to talk to my man who, some days, feels like talking and tell me how beautiful I am and smile at the new thing I have every day to explain to him, and other days like today is very busy solving business stuff so he will call me later before I go to bed as he used to do (wishing he could remember to do that.. . I leave my phone by my side all night in case one day he did). But the distance, this not being able to go and spend time with him as I need to do and not being able to get the news even the small ones as they happen is painful and very exhausting. So will keep working on the hope part and the taking care of myself too (I'll have a checking following my loved ones insistence.. Oh well), Take care, Maria x
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