jhelms

Teechur It has been a long road, and I have come so far. I just get flustered when I run into the same dead end with it. I have tried so hard to be the old me , that I forgot to find my new normal. I do need to get better with looking for triggers, so that I can see the cause and effect , and not let it get to that point. I just have to find my new norm and a new way at looking and dealing with things. If I could accept what is broken, and try to find new ways of doing things, instead of being so angry about not being the old me..... I will be happier. This all just caught me off guard. I had no idea what recovery included. No one gave us a heads up at what to expect with this. Maybe they didn't know either.

MaryB Thank you so much. It has been a tough 4 years. With everything that has gone on, we have moved 3 times and built a house. Alot of this is not having the time I need to deal with it. I am working on that though. I love your dogs ... so cute. I have a boston and she drives me nuts my owns my heart. LOL Thank you again for the advice and support.

MaryB Means so much and thank you for your kind words, thought and support. Best of wishes to you.

I have no words to describe how much your comments mean to me. Not that I am pitching a pitty party, but just someone who understands. I have tried so hard to hide my brokenness from family and friends, because I do not want to burden them. Even the night I had my SAH, I was talking to myself in my head, telling me I was being a wuss. That it was just a little headache and I was being a drama queen. I want nothing more than to be okay. Emotions are never something I have known how to deal with. I thank you, for your words and understanding. As far as the 5 I have lost, it bothers me too that no one remembers the dates. They seem to have mattered to no one but me. I knew they were there before I even tested. And I knew they were gone before they were ever lost. Call it Mama intuition. They are real people to me, and I try very hard to live in a manner that I will get to heaven to meet them one day. I know I will. But I am just so thankful for the 2 amazing boys and Godsend of a husband I have, that I want to be better for them. I have to be okay. I am too needed and loved not to be. I am trying to get better at understanding my new brain and how it works. Looking for triggers before the backlash. A lot of my frustration comes in with how hard it is to make a clear choice on easy, everyday stuff. I am like a squirrel in the road, not being able to decide which way to go , so I get whacked by an oncoming car. LOL Again, thank you all for all the advice, ears, shoulders and support. I can never thank you enough. And please know, that I pray for all of us to find our new normal and for us all to get our Happy back. With greatest appreciation, Jessica Helms

Thanks ladies for the tips. It is not in my nature to not cowboy up. I have always been a bottler by nature. I am having to learn to open up and talk. Here is the thing....I have no idea when it is eating on me. It is just like whammo. I came home from the hospital and went straight into being a mom of a 5 year old and a newborn. I never gave myself time to recover. I was dismissed by my neurologist. No one ever said anything about recovery, PTSD or any of it. Until my husband found this site, I thought I thought I was nuts. I kept telling him that I feel like something i s broken in me. Like brain connections were being skipped or not being made. I can not handle stress, my memory stinks, I have forgotten things about the kids being little and our relationship, I find it very hard to make decisions , and I can not stand crowds or loud anymore. I am just ready to be normal again and it really ticks me off that I can't get there. I want to sit in the floor and enjoy playing with my kids. I want to enjoy being around people again without feeling like my insides are quivering. With time, it has gotten better, and I really have come so far. But I just want the old me back. Does this make sense to anyone?

I honestly feel like it has taken away my ability to truly bond with my second child. Don't get me wrong...I love him more than anything. I just feel that he truly has a different mother that my first child did

August 21, 2009, four days after c section birth of my second child, I had a SAH at home, and did not know it. I knew I had a horrible headache and my husband checked my BP the next morning, but I refused that night to go to the ER. We had a follow up apt with the pediatrician the next day, and we talked to him and he encouraged me to get seen about. The hell that followed was very unexpected. I know the ER docs were trying to help me, but the medical testing, and being held down while an out of practice ER doc dug in my spine trying to perform a lumbar puncture, many times , has created severe PTSD , which I have heard is par for the course anyway. I spent a month in the hospital, off and on , being home for a few hours and back for days in the hospital, away from my newborn son and his 5 year old brother. They could find no cause of the SAH ....no AV malformations or anything, and it resolved on its own. Praise God. But ever since then, I am not the same person. It is like my brain is skipping around. I have the sensation from time to time, of soda bubbles popping int the back of my head. My personality, the mother and wife I was, my temper, my ability to deal with everyday stress, has changed. I can not get my HAPPY back. I am not me. Since then, I have been diagnosed with MVP and Dysautonomia, which cause a pleather of problems in itself. I am angry because I am not the same person I was before all this. As hard as I try, I can not get my happy back. Every medication I have tried to take has only made things MUCH worse. My personality type is to put on your big girl panties and keep going. I can't keep going like this. I am so tired of putting my family through this. There are times where I just want to leave, so that they can be happy. Not suicidal ..... just tired of being so short with husband and kids. Not being able to make myself sit and play with them. If I get upset, it is all the way. It is almost like an out of body experience that I am watching and can not stop it! Then, I go into a great depression , and my whole system shuts down and I have to sleep for hours to recover from it. I have a HUGE fear of doctors and even dentist. Last time I had a teeth cleaning, I left the hyperventilating, and crying like I had been assaulted. I am very hard headed and strong willed person. Why can I not move past this? My brain feels like a library. Everything has it's shelf to go on. Fiction , nonfiction , science fiction , ect. This is like a book, that my brain does not know where to put it. So it keeps reading and reliving it , trying to file it away. I never know what will set it off. Since I have had #2 child, I have been pregnant twice. Once with an ectopic that resulted in surgery, and 2 weeks ago, I had to have a D&C to remove my baby that died in utero. It's heart just stopped beating. That was my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 living children. It went on for weeks trying to pass the baby without surgery, and at 14 weeks I had the D&C. This has spooled every thing up. I am struggling to breathe and function. Just the medical , surgery end of things creates so much fear and anxiety that I had to be sedated just for them to get me there for the procedures. Tell me this gets better with time. Tell me that I am not crazy. Tell me that I will get my ability to be happy back , and this MONSTER that I feel like I have become, will go away. I am so thankful, to be here with all of my capcities. I seemed to have come through it untouched. No one ever said anything about the mental recovery. I just need to know that there is a better and how to get there.