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I find that I cry very easily. Anyone else?

TALK GIVEN BY MARIE ALLEN - PSYCHOTHERAPIST TO THE CEREBRAL ANEURYSM SUPPORT GROUP NOTTINGHAM - May 1st 2008 1. What happens to us emotionally when we are traumatized by loss of any kind. The stages of grief are: • Shock – This is a natural initial response; we feel disconnected and may even be quite calm, as if watching what is happening from a distance. Unconsciously we are evaluating what has happened - Action; calmness, blank, as if in a trance, dreamy (often assisted by drugs) • Denial – “It can’t be happening”- Action; trying to ‘get back to normal’, avoiding facing reality. • Anger – “It’s not fair, no-one understands what its like, why me God?” – Action; lashing out at those closest, dumping anger on others. • Bargaining – “Ok God just let me do this…. If I am good/do it right, then I’ll get better? – Action; trying to control everything, looking for a way out. • Depression – “Why bother, I’m doomed, this is forever” – Action; throwing in the towel; eating food, alcohol etc., that you know cannot be good for you, retreating from the world and other people, feeling hopeless. • Acceptance – “It’s ok. I’m Ok. I don’t like it but I’m alive” – Action; re-engaging in life, appreciating small things, finding reasons to be grateful, allowing sorrow, finding a way forward. These stages are ‘coping mechanisms’, allowing us to take time to process what has happened. The stages are not necessarily sequential – most of us move in a cycle from one to the other in any order and we may spend longer in a stage than any other, depending on our character traits. So one moment you may be depressed, then bargaining, then angry, then denying again. We may have long periods of acceptance, only for fear to arise again and trap us in anger at our sense of being an unwilling victim. You may notice that you are more reactive than normal – small things upset you out of proportion, you feel panicky and anxious most of the time, needy around people. However, it is not a good sign when we are stuck in this cycle, it is evidence that we are not processing what has happened and a sign that we are still avoiding reality. 2. How it affects relationships. Unfortunately we may find ourselves caught in the trap of needing others to help us and not feeling we have the right to ask. We fear we will be judged stupid or lazy or not doing it right and so on. If we have always looked after and protected others emotionally it will feel very scary to be looked after. If we have never openly and honestly expressed our feelings, this is a tough challenge indeed! Whatever patterns have been operating in our relationships will be highlighted with a vengeance now, resulting in despair and thoughts such as – • Why isn’t he/she there for me now I need them? • I can’t tell him/her the truth about how I feel, it will do them in. • I’m on my own with this. • If I just pretend a bit longer, it will all work out. It is very common for the spouse or close relative to also go through the stages described above – but that doesn’t help you! Unless you can find a way to talk about it, and get support (both of you) from someone other than each other. At this time it isn’t possible for two grieving people to be there emotionally all of the time for the other. Your partner/spouse/relative/friend will begin to feel overburdened and resentful, because they too are coming to terms with this unexpected and shocking change in you and in their lives. They had an expectation, as did you that you would be growing old together in a particular way and all that has been shattered. They will be afraid too. It is absolutely vital that you find a way to talk about it. Open and honest communication is the only thing that will work. Even in relationships where honesty, openness and acceptance of feelings have been a foundation, there will be rocky times. All change brings up our fear – when we don’t know what is happening to us or what might happen next – it can feel like an earthquake has occurred. 3. The spiritual aspect of this illness – why me? Finding a refuge in what has meaning for us, a way to carry on living rather than focusing on fear. In truth an earthquake has occurred and you will never be the same again. You may recover physically to some degree, but emotionally the rug has been pulled from under you. All your certainties have gone. You thought you knew your body; you thought it was strong, that this kind of thing only happened to other people. This is why your confidence is in shreds. One minute you are going on with your normal life the next minute – wham! Where do we turn and to what do we turn when things like this happen? It feels we have to trust hospitals and doctors to save us and make us better – and they do their best with what they’ve got – but that is limited to the physical, mostly. They cannot mend our confidence; they cannot give us a way of finding meaning in what has happened, only physical explanations. Traditional sources of comfort have all but disappeared. Nowadays few people have faith in the Christian Church (and if they do and can find solace there, that is good) Most of us are lost in a culture that does not value the spiritual (by that I mean belief in a higher power). It’s a tough call to begin to explore what has meaning for you when you are struggling with an illness and trying to cope with disability, relationship difficulty and depression. But find refuge we must if we are to turn this around and find a reason to continue with our life and live it as fully as possible. Most of you will have experienced much relief and solace from simply being able to share with others what you are experiencing. That is a beginning. When we can feel safe and accepted with kindred spirits, that is where we can take refuge, lick our wounds and begin to rebuild our lives. It only when we reach the final stage of the grief process that we can move forward – and there will come a time when you are mostly there – because it’s only through acceptance that you can move forward. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is liberating to let go of wanting something that is not coming back. Hoping and wishing and regretting only causes emotional pain, focusing on ‘should-have-dones’ is pointless. Suggested reading: Why Me? Why This? Why Now? - Robin Norwood Who Dies? - Stephen Levine Conversations with God - Neale Donald Walsch Close to the Bone: Life Threatening illness And the Search for Meaning - Jean Shinoda Bolen Suggested (safe) practices for managing feelings: Counselling – try and choose a Practitioner who can deal with feelings – not all of them can! Relate is an organisation available for couples to work through problems. Meditation – excellent technique for calming the mind and lowering blood pressure. Guided meditations or visualizations – can be as effective as meditation. (There are many types of meditation, try them out to see which works for you)

Hi everyone. I'm struggling. In so many ways. My memory is awful. I almost burned the house down last week I forgot I had pancakes cooking on the hob. I have white boards everywhere reminding me of lots of things. I'm driving again but hate it. How have I been given my licence back without being seen by anyone?? My eyesight seems worse than it was before. I have been referred to an ophthalmologist though it wasn't explained to me why I was referred, the SAH wasn't near my eyes and I haven't had them checked at all. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, yet I sometimes feel the need to talk about some things, but I don't actually have anyone to talk about it with. I just don't feel like me anymore. I have little interest in things I once enjoyed. Reading other peoples stories it seems this is fairly common, and something I have to accept. Am I depressed, or is this the new me. My neuro nurse seemed to think I'm depressed and told me to see GP, so I waited 4 weeks for a GP appointment, only to see a locum who knows nothing about me and even less about SAH's. I don't like the new me very much. I miss me.

I've had several medical problems all of my life, before and after my NASAH in Jan. 2013. I've had soo many surgeries. The one health problem I have that has stuck with me is chronic pancreatitis (diagnosed in 1999), I know I had it for about 5 years before that. I am in the hospital about once a year for a week, sometimes more. I am nauseated all the time, very tired and in general just feel terrible. But I never let that get me down, or any of my other medical conditions. I was always very upbeat, positive and happy! People would always ask me how can you be so happy and cheery when you are so sick- well I said It could be worse. Then it got worse- I had a NASAH. After that I feel like I lost the ability to be positive and optimistic. I am very depressed over all the things I can't do like work, spell, drive, read, etc. I also lost my job, and I so loved my job!! I just feel like I've had more than enough health problems but this just did me in. Did anyone else have depression after their SAH?

Hi, I had a grade 4 SAH in Feb of this year. Any and all complications that could have happened...did. But, I did manage to shock the doctors and survive, not only survive, but with just a few nagging side effects (vision problems and depression). Which brings me to the reason I am posting today. I was wondering if anyone else has had new or worsening depression symptoms since their SAH? My doctor is having trouble treating my depression because he says it's 'vascular depression' and that anti depressants won't work properly on me because of the bleed and stroke that I had. I was hoping someone here would maybe have some advice on how to deal with this depression. Thank you, Stephanie