Nessie

Lynne, you wrote down almost my daily things! especially the planning part. not because I can't plan, but the stress and panic that overtake me are gigantic. My sister helps me with that. or my husband. but him being a scot, most things involving dutch healthcare are way over his head. Aside from the things Lynne mentioned my problems ( 9 months post SAH) are very much on the sensory input side. smells, noice, sight, tastes, and light. If it were up to me the world would be dark and quiet. There is progression there.. or so i'd like to think. But this week is a schoolholiday.. the neighbours kids are playing outside ( about 6 of them) and I have to grond my teeth to not be the neighbour that shouts at them.. we are planning to move to a village in stead of this busy city suburbia.

It's been a week since my cake-fest with a friend. and six days getting back on my my feet. 2.5 days of sleeping. 2 days without any fuse whatsoever and 2 days with tears for every reason I could think off. my headaches are receding a bit. although I am quite used to headaches stey still scare me.. It is horrible to feel so scared.. But, even after all this it was worth it! It was my first going-out-alone! I feel really sorry for my hubbie, for gets all the #blah that comes out of me. I'm happy he's very sweet and loving.. (still) Last monday I started with my first EMDR session to help get rid of some stress and horrible dreams. So far it was a good experience; I hope it helps! I do read all you posts in the green room, but forget all your names, which makes it hard to reply.. Also.. a lot of emoticons make it really hard for me to read. I read that some of you talked about Headway.. could someone tell me what that is??

It feels so great to share. And reading your stories as well: When I read that most of you are active, going to work and/or have a social life: You are the light at the end of my tunnel!

I was making coffee; getting ready to go to work on the morning of the 4th of June. All of a sudden I heard the sea in my ear. Really loud and painful. I dragged myself to the couch. I knew something was absolutely wrong. Went to the doctor 45 minutes later (when her practice opened). She thought it had something to do with my hayfever and eardrum and she sent me home with paracetamol and spray. An hour later I went back in, with my husband. I knew something was up. By then I was vomiting bile and really restless. From there I went to the ER. Got 2 scans and then they ambulanced me to another hospital. I couldn't believe them when they said I had a bleed. After that things got fuzzy and I have no memories for the next 2 weeks. When I came out of my blur I found it hard to believe what was happening. (I often still do). My body moved as it did before (aside from the fact that I was weak from lying in bed). I could speak (Dutch and English; which is great since my husband is an english speaker), and I remembered who I was, where I've been and well.. I thought.. everything. I thought I'd be back at work in a week or two. There were some huge issues though. my sensory system went OVERLOAD. I couldn't stand lights, smells, sounds, touch. I got sick when I saw something moving fast like a car, or ripples on water. I would try to hide when it started to rain for the sound of the drops falling made me cringe, cry and lash out... These issues are getting slightly better, (rain is no longer a problem, or wind in the trees, a car moving past) but they are still there and dealing with this forms the major part of my therapy. I have spent 3.5 months in a clinic for people with brain damage, but I found the experience horrible. I learned a lot from the therapy, but fitting in in a group of people was just too much. The weekends I spent at home were blissful. Finally some silence. That is, if the neighbours kids weren't playing outside and none of the people in the neighbourhood was doing any DIY. The evenings were spent with only 1 candle lit in the room, and an obstacle hiding it from my direct vision. Placently I thought I was doing ok, until I heard my husband say to my social worker that he felt like he was living as a caveman. That really hurt. By now there are lights on in our house, but never direct lights. And I still prefer the dark. When I am going somewhere I have my sunglasses, a wide rimmed hat, earplugs.. So far for subtlety... I have trouble reading (my mind reads something else than I think) but I am overjoyed that I can write. I keep a blog (in Dutch) and use twitter a lot. It is there when I want it to be, and it is QUIET! And because I can't stand visitors (their talk, rustling of clothes, shoes and heels with leather soles... hmpf) the internet is my savior. I can do some shopping, talk to people, and generally amuse myself a bit. My life has gotten very lonely in a way, and I have come to know who my friends are.... But at the same time, people I have met on the internet still connect with me, and every now and then send me cards, flowers or even chocolates. I lost my brakes when it comes to eating. Being a picky eater before, I now eat everything, really fast and in huge quantities... So that is something to be alert on. I gained about 15 kilo's and slowly now I am losing those again.. (eating less and doing more exercise which makes me really happy). Pfft.. what a long story this has become... I have some problems sleeping. There are terrible nightmares. They are on the rebound now, so they are only there about 3 times a week. They used to be there EVERY night and EVERY nap for about 5 months. Always violent in nature. I shot all the people that would make noise, I was sold, operated on, experimented on. Really horrible. And while I have a hard time remembering what happened last week, these dreams are still all in my memory. (I am starting EMDR in 2 weeks to see if I can get rid of them) Always tired, lot's of headaches, a legendary short fuse, a shipload of tears, and a big sense of Ground Hog Day. ( I hate that everyday feels the same, but on the other hand, come change my routine and I don't think you'd live to tell) I can walk our big unruly dog again (who has lost a bit of her education when I fell sick she was only a puppy), I can cycle for about 20 minutes, so my world is expanding a bit. It might sound weird, but in general I am happy. As long as I stay in my own bubble where I can control the sensory input I am getting. But.. in the long run.. That's not how I can spent my life... I'm only 36... I'm almost done guys, so thanks for reading all this... Finally... My husband was made redundant, so he's home now. That has helped me a lot. He is trying to get a new job , and we really need that. We don't know if we can keep this house. And I want to get out of the city and live closer to my family. I feel guilty because of this. He has to work so hard and I can't even help. I know I shouldn't and he's really nice, loving and caring about it.. but still... My MRI made in December wasn't quite ok. There is still blood flowing in one of them. I'm getting a new one in May, and then we might have to decide to do 1 of the coilings again... Grrrr This time last year we were doing really well. Both got a job, just got married and trying for kids... Our 1-year wedding anniversary was celebrated last october... 5 months of that 1 year was spent apart... How life can change....

It is nice to be welcomed. Thank you so much! Though more tears now stream my face. Going to walk my dog now, and clear my head. I'll be back!

This is the first time I am looking on the internet to find something about the SAH I suffered from in June 2010 (at age 35). Aside from information I think it's is great to find a forum with real people who might know what it is like. I would like to introduce myself, but atm finding this forum here is so overwhelming that all I can do is cry. When I settle down a bit I hope to tell you more. (and if I can find out how this forum works..it took me over an hour to register and put this up..) Nessie