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Understanding what happened to me

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Hi everyone

I recently saw a doctor at Rookwood Hospital in Cardiff to discuss my rehab. She showed me my CT scans and angiograms, which is the first time I've seen them. It floored me completely and I had a bit of a breakdown in the room. I've posted before about my feelings of being 'not that bad'. My scans showed two significant areas of hydrocephalus, plus the swelling of my brain and blood that had collected. It was all a little unreal, like I was watching an episode of 24 Hours in A&E!! The doctor put it into perspective by saying that I really had been very ill and have had a life changing event. She gave me the courage to tell her all the little things that don't work anymore or work in a different way. I don't think I would have admitted this to everyone else as I want to prove that I'm fine.

As a result, I'm due to have an MRI scan and a neuro rehab assessment to work out just how much damage has been done. From there we will be working out a plan for what can be done to improve matters and what I'm just going to have to live with.

I'm grateful on so many levels that she showed me the scans.


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Hi Gaynor,

You are definitely not alone in being in denial & trying to prove that you are fine. I was exactly the same way. I wasn't even acknowledging that I had any problems & was trying to slot right back into the life I had before the bleed. I remember being devastated for days after being confronted with the truth about my situation & the difficulties I was having post SAH. It is very hard to hear & accept but it is also good to have that weight of pretending & trying so hard to be 'normal' lifted. That in itself was exhausting!!

Now that you have been forced to face things you have the brilliant opportunity to get the help we all need to deal with our problems and come to terms with them. It all gets so much better from here :biggrin:

Michelle xx

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Denial, denial. You can spot it in others so easily, but it is very elusive when it happens to you. I also saw my scans and was obsessed with them for a bit even. They are haunting, aren't they? I still find myself trying to identify if I am really crying because of something that I would normally cry about, or am I crying because of my brain changes? Are my legs really tired or just the neurons that stimulate the muscles? Is my neck really hurting or is it a gas bubble in my stomach? Sometimes, I can't make heads or tails of things until afterwards or until I see a pattern. All the variability tends to throw me in denial all the time. My husband can tell I need a rest before I can often. I long for the old me and if I just pretend it will happen some day then... Hope or denial?


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