lost mojo

[VanessaW]

Hello everyone,

hope you are all ok.

haven't been on the board for a while, been slaving away for the NHS.

Am now 10 months in since SAH and able to work full time as a doctor. A few weeks back I was thinking this is good, my headaches are really mild and I didn't have to take paracetamol for about 5 days!!! Now they have gone bad again and have had bouts of nausea too. It's really damned annoying isn't it, you think to yourself, Hurrah!! it's all finally going away and then it comes back in a big way. I kind of feel overall that I've lost my mojo since the SAH, I can't run for more than 10 minutes - I used to be a big runner - now it makes me ill. I feel like I've lost my edge mentally, although I'm a competent doctor, I don't feel like my brain works as well as it did; my memory is not as sharp. I feel a bit brain dead and my attention span is poor, I have to make a really massive effort to concentrate all the time and it is doing me in. I feel like I have candy floss in my head.

It's depressing isn't it. I know rationally that I am lucky to be alive etc, but I just don't have any joie de vivre anymore.

Anyone else feel like this? Does the mojo come back or is it lost forever?

Vanessa

x

[MaryB]

Vanessa, while it is great to hear from you I am sorry you are having mojo issues. I understand what you are saying I think. I feel I have made improvements coming up to my 2nd year anniversary but my improvements are trumped by my lack of energy - my brain can only do so much and if I am tired or had an even minor event it throws me for a loop. It is not that the event has cause panic or anything just one more thing that takes my energy away with for something that was not "planned" seems to be harder. Maybe before I did not care so I did not have to deal with it but now I do and it tosses me back a few days.

My body is as weak as my mind someday and I cannot even say it is a pacing issue. I had a clogged sink yesterday, worked on that, plumber came, it was my day off. Was planning on making chicken in Crockpot, printed recipe off computer and it was for something that had no chicken or Crockpot as I lost my train of thought while I was looking at recipes. I was in the store shopping for food that had ingredients for something entirely different than I thought I was in the store shopping for.

I also this week was checking a boarder with thunderstorm medications (I work for at veterinarian’s office). I was such an idiot that I was talking to these people saying "Oh we have another dog Teddy with storm anxiety as well etc...And when I saw the dog’s last name and the dog I was like "Oh this is THAT Teddy!” I felt stupid as I have worked there 17 years and this dog is there almost every weekend but I did not recognize the owners for some reason. I was completely blank. It is like sometimes it takes me 5 minutes before it all clicks and I get it as before everything was automatic.

I do however think I have improved in areas recently but the improvements cannot match my poor energy & concentration level. Maybe that will come next. I wish someone in Neurology could experience this so they understand what we are talking about. It is as interesting medically to me as it is annoying personally. Like when I took that second dose of Ritalin after a year of not being able to cook I suddenly had a light bulb moment when something clicked so profoundly that I was like “Hey this is fascinating”. I think of the 60’s and everyone taking acid trips that excitement and enlightenment but all I got was the ability to go in the kitchen and multi task and make a meal again. But it was that kind of a giant CLICK that happened in my brain to understand something completely different than I had for a year. Suddenly it all came back. But that was the end of my Ritalin break through.

I find I do really well if I eat a lot of chocolate. I mean it, if I am doing poorly at work I load up on candy to get a buzz. It is so not good for my fibro but it get me through a day and makes me feel like I use to. Actually my co workers like me on my candy “buzz”.

Vanessa- 10 months is nothing when it comes to recovery. I think you are doing great just being able to work 5 days. And the amount of concentration and the memory you use daily would set me back a million years. Are you able to speak with co workers or friends or do you feel that they cannot really understand what you are talking about?

Really at 10 months most are not even working so kudos to you for that. I get your disappointment with this just is not good enough right now. Sorry you feel poorly, mary

[Winb143]

Your mojo will come back, keep fighting and remember we sometimes lost it before bleed.

I hope you cheer up Vanessa, keep going.

All the best

WinB143

[Daffodil]

So busy healing others Vanessa ,Please don't forget about yourself. Your brain and body is willing you to recover but don't forget to give some bedside manner to your thoughts and mind for all you have been through. The headaches are a gentle reminder that you are still very early in your healing. Do you give your brain some downtime?

I do get exactly what you mean about the mojo. I SO want to do more but just giving that extra, be it in your case running, in mine swimming, can be the tipping point from feeling slightly deflated to really really off colour and uncomfortable. So then I don't and get annoyed that I can't. Bit like a child really. But look at what we are doing Vanessa? It's not wrong of us to want more of what we used to do and be but we have to be patient. That's just blooming hard isnt it.

Life changed. We changed. You see it daily I'm sure that the only course open is to adjust, unpalatable though it is. I do think that acceptance brings new things though so maybe its not running for the moment but a new thing ,something that brings you the peace for now.

I do wonder whether the endorphins that exercise releases is a bit like the stress or fear effect which is much stronger with me now, sometimes it's all just a bit intense for our recently traumatised head so then the big headache...Just me speculating...

Just adding to this reply as just received this link to a new article in my email from Brain and Spine org from chap getting back to riding, one of his quotes resonated with me Vanessa after your post today "I knew from a few of my long practice rides that I would struggle to unclip my right foot from the pedals but the memory of what I had been through and the desire to reclaim as much of the old me as possible allowed me to dig deep and press on." full article is here. Inspiring.http://www.brainandspine.org.uk/back-on-the-bike-after-brain-haemorrhage-johns-story?utm_content=steph.forester%40btconnect.com&utm_source=VerticalResponse&utm_medium=Email&utm_term=Read%20John%26%2339%3Bs%20story&utm_campaign=Summer%20strawberries%20and%20a%20new%20Neurology%20Tsarcontent

Edited June 28, 2013 by Daffodil

[kpaggett]

The elusive mojo.

What is it, anyway? I know it when it suddenly appears out of no where for 1/2hour and then as fast as it was, it isn't anymore until the next time. It affects everything, and yet it has nothing to do with my mood. The confusion of our symptoms is so unknown to even us...the closest ones to it.

I, like you have a lower tolerance for information to be gathered, synthesized, and regurgitated in a given period. If you give me longer, give me less, or ask me to do less with the information, then all is fine. Good doctoring requires so much of these things put together all the time. Good job for being able to cope as well as you do, Van!

As for other healthcare professionals being able to understand what you're going through, good luck with that. I find they, like everyone else, can only support/understand so much. It's like their brains get overloaded just getting a glimpse into what it is like for us. Some will understand, but mostly it is the ones closest to us that do.

Keep on getting into life. Mojo is only one piece of the puzzle. Maybe, it'll come and maybe you'll find other pieces.

~Kris

[bsaints1]

Thanks for posting this Vanessa. I feel I can relate. While I am barely two months in, and I know that is early, I want my mojo back. I am an impatient person and know by reading the posts on BTG that I need to get patient. Your drive is admirable and I am sure your mojo will return. Take care of yourself during these days.

[VanessaW]

Thank you to you all for your kind thoughtful replies. It's nice to know that other people understand. I definitely think I need to be more patient. Patience is not my middle name, but this gives me the opportunity to practice being more patient....boooooo!

Best wishes to you all in your recovery

Vanessa

x

[kpaggett]

I feel the most connected to the rate of my progress when I meditate. Then I have NO feelings of wants or shoulds or what am I going to do about A-B- or-Cs. I started meditating a few months after my SAH everyday and I think it is responsible, in part, for how well I am doing. It's a hard thing to do for the active mind/body types, but it helps to slow expectations and relax into life...whatever it might bring or had already brought that day.

~Kris