Lauren D Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hi All I've still not told my sister re mum's stroke as she's yet to answer my letter to her from before I got the diagnosis saying we need to talk about mum's care and will she please share with me the finances as taking my poa away when I was depressed after the 2nd coiling was bang out of order and they've never shared what they're doing with the money with me and I do all the running around trying to get mum the best care which costs. That's given me oodles of depression and worry even right after the SAH when I was trying to cope with mum's mental problems, i.e. depression and dementia and a big lack of self care. I don't want to tell her as she always ends up shouting at me and I'm terrified of rowing back as it so upsets me. I'm waiting for appointment with neurologist to get advice. Meanwhile I'm getting the carers to monitor what mum needs in terms of extra care and also the OT are going in so rather than me putting my oar in I'm going to leave it to them to raise it with GP who I've already spoken with and possibly social services, then I can't be the bad person saying my sister's not doing enough. My heart's already broken by all this feuding - does anyone have any practical ideas which I could use which won't fuel the flames more? Laurenx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElaineW Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hi Lauren - what a dilemma you are in - I feel I could swing for your sister but that doesn't help you. Does your mum's surgery have a dedicated worker their who looks after people like your mum, I know a lot of surgeries have something like a Community Matron who would be able to keep an eye on your mum. Have you thought about Day Hospitals too - my dad (who had dementia) used to go twice a week and really enjoyed it - might take some pressure off of you too. I think you should definitely put the ball back to her GP. There are also dementia care trusts covering different areas which may be worth looking into even go to your local PCT is no help is forthcoming - there must be help out there somewhere especially given your circumstances. Keep your chin up. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Hi Lauren...sorry cant offer any practical ideas...just wanted to say, i feel for you, its so unfair....take care and keep your chin up... Love and hugs Tina xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Beth1957 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Lauren, no practical iseas, but a hug for you... I wish I could get my hands, or my boot, on your sister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Thank you so much for just listening as well as giving me ideas. My dilemma is that I really don't want to stir up the authorities against my sister or stir them up and offend them if it will push them in the opposite direction, then Mum's care could be put in detriment - it's how the system can work against you if you don't tread carefully. I've thought long and hard. I nearly beat up my counsellor last night and told him I was on the verge of giving him up if he continued to try to get me to empathise with Julie and suggest that I want control of the money - it's not about that at all. Also do I have a problem with the opposite sex taking control of things? So I told him I don't have that problem at all but I do have a problem with being told that and I think he came on board and realised I just want to get the best for Mum and don't want to be ridden over roughshod. Good God I'm a 21st Century divorcee who has been taken for a ride once too often and I'm no feminist but believe in equality. Perhaps he stirred me up enough to recognise I don't have problems witih opposite sex but simply with equality or more plainly put - fairness! That said we ended on a good note and I think he saw I wasn't mental because of the SAH because I think he did actually, I saw that look people get when you mention brain surgery ... and they jump to conclusions. It just passes across their face like a cloud across the sun and you just know before a word is uttered. So the money and the finances. I'm going to chase up why the neurologists didn't get consulted when I suggested the hand was a neuro prob, I'm going to find out why mum was discharged without a brain scan when I was on holiday and who was looking after her and I'm going to talk to the carers, they're a good bunch but not all of them are so caring and miss things. I don't want to bung her in a nursing home if we can keep her where she is, but the stairs are a problem, the rules are a problem as it's not a care home but a housing association with care bought in so she can go off and wander and fall over - but, if we put her in a nursing home she loses all her independence and will just go down the pan. The girls love her and care for her but as it's only piecemeal care that's the problem. If I had my way I'd get rid of the stairs, keep the same set up with meals thrown in every day at lunchtime and a level of independence and carers to go out shopping with her and up the pub every now and then. Won't go on, perhaps we don't say or make enough noise for these things and we all have to go out to work nowadays to pay the mortgage etc. etc. and have lost sight of what's really important. Thanks for letting me go on. Thanks for listening. Lx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Hi Lauren Glad that you and your councillor ended on a good note, and hope you can sort out all that you have to. Keep your chin up.....it is a lot to do on your own ...let alone with out the support of your family. I really hope that things can be resolved for you. Take care, lots of love and a big hug to you. Love Tina xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Mum's a bit better this week and her memory has started to improve, so I'm hoping it won't be time for a nursing home yet. I'm working hard on staying calm and trying to recognise that I can't expect everyone to see things the way I do but to do my best in spite of that. I'm waiting to hear for a neurologist appointment and I've seen a solicitor to get legal advice about what happened to mum's money after I had my SAH as I think the non-disclosure thing is totally unreasonable - especially as I took out the original poa and sorted out mum's claim for disability allowance and post my SAH they refused to give me any accountability. I mustn't get cross as perhaps they think it's in mum's best interests that I'm excluded from the family as someone who's batty post SAH ... but it really really hurts and I don't think I'll ever get over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Hi Lauren....so glad to hear your Mum is starting to improve I know how much this has all hurt you......i do feel for you.....bless you......take care Lauren, lots of love to you.... keep your chin up xxx Love Tina xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks Tina. Solicitor recommends not to pursue it but it's just that I signed everything in good faith and then they've done this to me and to get accountability would get very nasty and I don't want to do that. Guess I should just go out and get a life! Take care Laurenx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 Feeling a lot better. It's helped to be able to sound off on here without being judged as it's stopped me blowing a fuse these last couple of months. I've decided to get off my high horse and just go along with things as they are ... and put up with texts and no conversation or meetings as better than nothing. Mum is deteriorating her short term memory is very short now and I just want to concentrate on having as much good quality time with her as I am able whilst we still can. I hope to get her up to the Mall on the 26th April if she is well enough and I'm hoping that my sister will bring her, I live in hope of reconciliation so had better try to be more tolerant ... I can only try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Hi Lauren I really hope things work out for you...bless you...take care, lots of love and hugs to you. Love Tina xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Beth1957 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I really feel for you Lauren; you have more than enough on your plate without this hassle from your family. Hugs, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 A bit down tonight well, often, but I'm training for the FLM. I feel selfish as I'm so lucky really does anyone else get that guilt thing? Perhaps it's not SAH just me I don't feel I'm doing enough ... does anyone else identify with that? Why doesn't it all just go away like appendicitis after the op? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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