Me and my family

[Lauren D]

Hi

I had my SAH in July 2004.

I have an elderly Mum in care who is 78 who has suffered mental health problems off and on (mostly depression and occasional psychosis) for as long as I can remember and who now has dementia along with lots of other physical ailments including a disability caused by a horrid accident when she fell off a ladder 6 years ago (don't ask!) which resulted her nearly losing her foot and she was in hospital 6 months.

I always took on the care of the family when I was a teenager and in and out of hospital but managed to stay on and get my A levels and go to college. I was in an abusive marriage until ten years ago, Dad died of a cerebral haemorrhage in 1992 and since then mum's mental health went further downhill.

When I had the SAH in 2004 I was dropped off home by my sister who admittedly had loads on her plate with my nephew with ME and was in a wheelchair at the time, and basically left to get on with and tried also to continue looking after mum as best I could. I went back to work after 8 weeks and it went wrong so I had to take more time off work.

Bascially the family thought I was putting it on and any calls for support went unheeded and of course I got very very angry and there were some unpleasant outbursts on my part of which I'm ashamed, but I didn't realise at the time it was the SAH and I was virtually cut out by my sister and husband and didn't see my nephews any more which only made more more angry, especially as my sister and brother in law took over my mum's finances having just sold her bungalow and refused to share any information with me.

I had a second coiling in 2006 and none of the family visited me and it was my 50th two weeks later and I threw together a small do which mum came to and bless her even went out and bought some food for it and my sister was busy with a commitment with my nephew but it just so hurt and I got quite cross (only on text though).

I had to break off with mum's care for a while and kindly wrote and told her I needed a break to get well and had a few months away whilst I got my head together. This resulted in my sister and brother in law getting my power of attorney revoked and put in my brother in law's name however mum had got herself moved into non-caring accommodation and was deteriorating badly - part of my depression at the time was seeing she needed more care but I couldn't get my sister to see it as I do.

However outside powers moved the situation to a conclusion where she's now back in extra care and properly looked after and I take her for most of her hospital appointments and take her out once a week for a good meal and check on her. My sister does go in and see her and check on her too and takes her for meals.

Yesterday I went to pick her up for a meal as I mostly do on Sunday's and she was waiting for my sister to pick her up as I'd not phoned her to say I was taking her out. I went off home alone and just felt, as I always do, crushed and written off. I know I'm on my own, divorced, no kids and perhaps that's why I feel so resentful and angry and then I get into a cycle of depression and I'm trying very hard not to get that way but has anyone any good ideas for handling this ongoing hurt in a positive way?

I wanted to find out post the SAH what went on when I was out of it but no-one has ever given me the time to talk about it and they all joked around at the time which freaked me out and I can't seem to move on there are so many unanswered questions and I've had the curtains pulled down on me for attempting to ask for explanations. I sometimes think I must be mad which is what they've called me. It just so hurts. Thought it's better to sound off here rather than internalise it and then have nightmares and get depression.

Lauren x

[Janet]

Hi Lauren

It must have been really hard for you at a time when a lot of us had the love and support of our families you were on your own and trying to care for your mother as well. You come across as a person who has had to rush your recovery with being on your own. With regards to the depression it may be an idea for you to get your G.P to refer you for Counselling as it will give you a chance to talk through your SAH and all the events which have happened since.

With regards to your sister I suppose she is one of the people who should be able to fill in some of the blanks for you but if you have spent a large part of your youth helping your Mum to bring her up it maybe that its too painful for her to talk about.

My only other suggestion would be to try and get to one of the meets we have as it really is rewarding meeting and speaking in person to other SAHers and does help a lot emotionally as well. Thinking of you and sending some big hugs hope you reach a solution that is right for you.

Janet x

[jess]

Right then forget about tour sister and asking her anything, try speaking to a councellor about what happened to you and try to forget the people who say you are putting it on and just tell them you will pray that it never happens to them don't let them drag you down. Jess.xxx

[donna79]

Hi Lauren

You will make alot of life long friends here x x x what i call family x x people who understand and care x x

I am quite lucky really my family do talk to me but i do feel that my family is scared to come near me sometimes x x

I am under a councillor at the moment i am struggling to get my head around why and dealing with dizzyness x x i get so scared and lonely

because i dont think my family will ever understand how i feel x x my husband i think trys to ignore what i've been through x x

You have to think of YOU, this is your life grab it with both hands.

I am really close with my sister and thought of her slipping away scares me x x

Keep your chin up and anything I can help with i will try x x x

Love

DONNA

XXXXX

[paul99]

hi lauren

congratulations on getting it all out in the open it took some guts and you should be so proud s***d the family as such dont go down or we will have to smack your bum well done sweetheart i think a letter to your sister wouldnt go amiss stating when you will take mum out and leave a copy where mum is so they know whos going to take mum out dont you feel crushed or belittled in any shape or form pm me and rant and rave and if i can help you i will just let me know i cant force you but im here if you want me will pm you WE LOVE YOU if nobody else will say it

[Guest Beth1957]

Oh Lauren honey, I don't think you're mad, and I don't think that you need the "excuse" of the SAH when you got cross with them, or because you feel angry with them... I think they'rve been treating you very badly, and you're RIGHT to feel put-upon, used and annoyed!!!!

Ahem, sorry if that was a bit blunt; reading your post made me very angry with your family.

The suggestion about seeing a counselor is a good one; you don;t have to be "mad" to see one & it might help you deal with your feelings, maybe even to the point where you can tell your family exactly how you feel. And of course you'll get tons of support here.

<mutter> it doesn't exactly take anything much more than common politeness to ring someone to let them know of a change in plans. Grrr.

Take care

{{Hug}}

[Tina]

Hi Lauren

We are here for you......it can be so hard sometimes, people just dont understand, and never will. Dont let them get you down xxx Hang in there....thinking of you...lots of love and hugs...Love Tinaxx

[myratas]

Hi Lauren

Firstly i am sending you virtual hugs and xxx. I know it's very hard for you at the moment especially with family problems, it's hard when there are family disputes even with someone without having a SAH but it's so much harder after having a SAH and dealing with family issues.

Before i had my SAH my brother and i did not speak to each other for a least a year and i had a very restrained relation with my sister but as soon as i had the SAH they were with me all the way, knowing that they nearly lost me they felt that life is too short for silly misunderstandings.

I too had to learn a lot and the first thing that i learnt was to let things go, i don't take things to heart so much now.

It was unfair in the way you were treated after SAH and it makes me angry when people think that we are only making it up, we don't. We do have problems both pyhiscally and mentally, it's a major transition for all of us. I sometimes think it's a no win situation because no matter how hard you try to explain to someone the after effects from SAH they will never understand unless you go through it yourself.

As Janet as already said you had to rush the recovery process very quickly because of your commitments, you now need to heal yourself within and to make sense of everything that has happened, i know it's easy said than done but i did the same, i tried to focus just what happened to me and i found there are really no answers, it's life, i have accepted this change and now i am going to work with what i have.

One answer i did find out myself that God gave us another chance and that in its self is a miracle.

I also think that the way you help your mother is great, keep that up. You will find that it is a great therapy for you by helping her.

In regard to your sister, it might be a good idea as what Janet mentioned take her to one of the BTG meetings, talk to her and tell her that you would like to try and be a family and i am sure you are missing your nephews and would like to see them too. If that does not work but at least you a better person knowing that you tried.

Sorry for the very long answer to your situation but Lauren at the end of the day what really counts is that you have made new friends here and that we are here for you. Take care.

Myra xx

[Guest ElaineW]

Hi Lauren - your story kind of choked me up somewhat. I am a carer so seeing it from the other side of the coin I find it hard to understand that your family have dismissed what happened to you and were not there for you. I think I have gone totally the other way with mum and treat her like cotton wool now. I find it hard to understand that they do not appreciate what a life threatening experience you have gone through and I could knock all their heads together Haven't they read anything about what you have been through. I guess it is only your sister who can enlighten you what happened whilst you were in hospital and everyone's journey is different. I wish I had some answers for you.Write down how you have been feeling, what you can and cant do, tell them how you feel - I think as Paul said a letter would be a good place to start. I feel sad for you and how selfish of them Grrrrrrrrrrr

Elaine

[Louise]

Hi there

So sorry to read what your going through families can be so rotten to their own and I just dont know why that is....

mines have sort of dissmissed me, if they dont see me then maybe I dont exsist so I do know kind of where your coming from.

only little thing I can add is YOUR way better than them luv.......

sending lots of cyber hugs

take care

Louise.xx

[Lauren D]

Thank you all so much for your kind sincere messages - they really made a difference. This is just a quick login as I'm at work and my internet connection at home is still playing up. I would love to come to a BTG meeting - where are you all, I'm in Kent ... As for writing letters anything I do to suggest I have feelings I need acknowledged is just another symptom of my insanity or whatever they're labelling it this week (if I lose weight I'm anorexic, see how it goes...) and an excuse to denigrate me. I've had counselling (I've even trained in pscyhotherapy to try to get to the bottom of things!) but my GP gave the best diagnosis when he said it took me 2 brain ops before I woke up to the fact that I'm the family doormat. He's not the type of man given to saying such things so it was quite drastic, but spot on. I saw several psycho people who just said my only problem was standing up to my family and then I had a year of counselling which made me realise that I've spent my life living out the script I grew up with - i.e. caring, running after others and not getting anything in return and 2 years ago I realised that most of my relationships have been based on how my family - no-one there in the tough times, only there for the good! I've been trying to turn it round and it's been an interesting journey and I've had a bit of a clear out. Sadly I lost one close friend to a brain haem after a fall not long after my SAH and she was there for me. Everyone else is busy with their kids and families and I'm left out in the cold. I called mum up this morning to see if she's ok and she apologised for Sunday and said I should've phoned ... however if I do and my sister phones afterwards she stands me up for her - guess it's as she knows I'm around every weekend for a meal and my sister (who is a nurse who won a very prestigious award some years back) only takes her out with the family once every 4- 6 weeks.

I only said to Mum it's not very considerate and she said don't start, all you do is moan (and I'm taking her out Christmas Day). There's a long history of all this, it didn't start with the SAH it just made things worse ... I just said OK be like that and I'll talk to you when you can find it in yourself to be a bit nice to me. She's been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which in some ways is another excuse for bad behavoiur(!) but has been through the mill.

Phew, I feel better for that, the monster inside me isn't eating away now! You've all made me feel lots better. I'm not in such a bad place, good job, lovely home and some very nice friends but who other than SAHers understands SAHers?

Laurenxxx

[Janet]

Hi Lauren

Glad you feel better for getting everything of your chest so to speak. With regard to BTG meets the next one is a Xmas meet at Karen's House details are on the Green Room Forum. Laura is also having a 30th Birthday Party in March in Coventry details on Social events Forum. I don't think there are anymore planned yet for next year but just keep an eye on the message boards as I'm certain there will be more planned in the New Year.

Janet x

[Vivien]

Hi Lauren, sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I also had similar experiences with my family, being the eldest and only girl, I did a lot of caring. A few years ago I had a breakdown and counselling and came to realise that I had to put myself first, it is not being selfish, it is taking care of yourself so that you can help others if you choose to do so.

I am 18 months on from my SAH and still get tired and emotional!

Vivien x

[tennissmithy]

Hi Lauren,

Gosh you really are having a rough time at the minute

BTG meets are fab cosit is great to find other SAHers who understand us!

My birthday party is March, feel free to join us, it will give you a chance to let your hair downin great company.

Love and hugs

laura

xx

[Lauren D]

Well, what can I say - what I'm going through now is nothing to some of the things I've had to deal with so I just need to pull myself up and do some good things for me! Having all your kind thoughts and words is making a huge difference and I look foward to receiving some new ideas for old problems. I just don't think my family can see me in any other light than carer and if I ask for something back then there must be something wrong with me! They are just so used to having a little runaround and someone who they can put all their stuff on and a counsellor I recently met said it's probably a form of defence from their own fear of death which I have touched on. So if they can't do empathy I'll just have to practice some more. I'm up for another series of counselling soon just on the waiting list but I've just booked a holiday in the Caribbean and go in early December (when my Carer's course on caring for people with mental health issues comes to an end!) and I think I might even book a horseriding lesson this weekend and get back on a horse ... and see if I can get my confidence back for going for a good gallop as that always used to do the trick!

[Cal]

Hi Lauren,

Sounds like you are doing something for YOU!

You deserve it!

Cal

XXXX

[Lauren D]

Well naturally I feel guilty and a bit nervous just buzzing off on a ten hour flight on my own but the place I've booked is said to be suitable for single people who don't want to travel in a group and there's lots of yoga and stuff like that and it's not all partying which I can't do any more! I'm happy going to bed at 10.30 and that's my lot. I know I'm really lucky after all that's happened but sometimes I feel just overwhelmed and the last few weeks have been like that and I wonder is it just stress, or is it stress + post SAH stuff .. or just getting older?

Sounds like I need a holiday obviously, need to chill.

[paul99]

good on you lauren

its about time you got away and relax and s**d the family you have to come first now its your health and happiness you have to look out for have a cracking time in the sunshine and enjoy i think it is more stress than anything else you have been on a very steep learning curve and learnt to release what has built up inside over many years go and have a fantastic time and if you want while your out there and you see a computer cafe send us a postcard just to make us jelouse if you dare lol sorry spelling go for it girl and enjoy and congratutions on everything you have done best wishs xx

[Lauren D]

Hi Paul - thanks for taking the time for me in the midst of what you're up against. Don't give up Paul, did I tell you that I know that Lin will know you're there on some level and I was totally out of it when I was bluelighted to Kings and was disappointed (sad but true) that I missed having any recall of such an experience - but the first time I drove past an ambulance with the sirens blaring the hairs on my arms went up and I could "feel" the memory, so I now believe that there are many degrees of consciousness and everything you do for your dear lin she knows. Please look after you it's so draining when you are caring as you are and feel there's nothing coming of it. Every day must seem like a marathon effort for you so you need to sleep and eat and look after you if you're to stay strong. Lauren

[paul99]

lauren

when did you have your sah if you were taken to kings college hospital are you sure it wasnt me taking you in that was my patch at least you had the maudsley hospital where i think you ended up if so this is spooky

[paul99]

just checked no it wasnt me 2004 i was elsewhere thank god otherwise it would have been to spooky

[Guest ElaineW]

Good on your Lauren - just caught up with your last few updates. Get on that horse, go on a well deserved holiday and show your family that you are worth 20 of them which you are.

Elaine x

[Louise]

Lauren, good for you that sounds a fab-tastic holiday think of number One for once go for it......

I thought my family were rotten not getting intouch with me but after reading your post I feel rotten thinking that although for me it still makes me sad mines dont keep intouch.....

take care

hugs, Louise.x

[Lauren D]

I actually feel quite selfish ... probably post SAH jumped to conclusions, was scared and probably didn't do myself any favours and said all the wrong things at the wrong times. I feel that with SAH communication, especially if it's not been that great before jsut deteriorates - I still blame myself for not being the perfect patient. I did try awfully hard to make it look like I was ok when I so was not and look after mum. I took mum out for a nice dinner last night and we had a really nice time and she was good and I'm glad I can do it and entertain her and keep up a positive front but I know now there's a price to pay - I cannot be 100% her carer and entertainer, and I have to recognise when it's starting to get too much the one way thing I have to find a way through that makes sense for me. I realise I'm so programmed to care that I feel very guilty if I'm not 100% for her and if I'm unwell I feel I'm letting myself and others down. But I'm working on it.. just had a great game of tennis with my friends and I'm feeling good, will get an early night and am so glad to have come home from the club to nice messages - I was expecting a telling off as it's what I'm used to for expressing my feelings. Take care, I'm still nervous about talking about myself as I feel so flawed ...

[paul99]

lauren

your not flawed you are like the rest of us human with all our faults and quirks me among them hugh cuddle and hugs