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Hi all, 

 

I joined this group almost 5 years ago after my husband suffered a SAH while we were on vacation.  I am extremely lucky that other than some differences in behavior he is very well physically and mentally.  I am certainly not his caregiver as he continues to be able to take care of the house and work.

 

I don’t want to sound like I am complaining because really I am beyond blessed with his outcome.  I just don’t know how to react or respond anymore to his change in behavior.  I used to be out of the house 50 hours a week for work...working from home for the last year so I think it is just more apparent.  

 

Some things.... in bed at 8:00 almost every night and I understand his brain needs to rest (this I can be fine with if he would make an exception occasionally), he shuts down at 6:30, goes to his tv room to watch reruns of older shows (so it gets a bit lonely) it seems like he is always looking for attention repeatedly saying the same thing  (hey, look what I did ...).

 

He is the cook but after SAH constantly corrects everything I do or has to be in control to the point I am banned from the kitchen until eating and clean up duty.  It all sounds so trivial, but it is the same thing and same conversation every single night.  I don’t know if his need for control and reassurance is because he lost some of that? 

 

I love him, but I don’t know how to address any of this with him.  He doesn’t see any change nor do I want to make him feel more self conscious.  As you all know, you leave the hospital with a few sheets of after care instructions, but no one talks about the changes.

 

How do I address these issues with a man that already feels different without making it worse? Do I talk to his doc, find one for myself?  Just not sure... anyone have feedback?  

 

Sorry one other thing... he complains that I am yelling.  I know he is sensitive to noise and often when in a room with lots of conversations it can be overwhelming....but I am not yelling or raising my voice.  I don’t know how to address this either because he will get mad and shut down... ugh, I feel like I need to change my approach or my behavior but nothing I do seems to help.

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Hi Susan :) 

 

Bless you, its so hard sometimes. Sending hugs your way 🤗 Never feel like you are complaining. I know your husband went through it, but so did you and both are adjusting to the new him. Lock down this past year has been very hard and working from home and being together 24/7, you have noticed these changes in his ways so much more.  

 

If you feel you really cant sit down and talk about this with your husband. I would definitely go and see his Dr, maybe go together. Your GP can refer your husband or both of you for counselling. It would be an opportunity to discuss your feelings.

 

I know you dont want to make your husband feel more self conscious but he may be totally unaware how you are feeling. I am sure his need of control and reassurance is because he lost some of that. Your lives have been turned upside down. It can take a long time to come to terms with whats happened.

 

I was a very independent person before my SAH. I worked full time and hated that i could not do the things i could before. I got very frustrated at myself. I also hated noise. This did improve over the years. I still suffer with fatigue and most nights i am in bed by 9pm. My body just goes on close down.

 

My husband has been amazing and very understanding. We talk a lot about how we feel and always have. This really did help.

 

If i go out for a late night it would take at least two days to get over and always does. Its about compromise and meeting in the middle. Communication is so important for both of you. For your husband, its about learning his limits and again compromise.

 

At 5 years i was getting there, but still struggled. I am now nearly 14 years down the line and still struggle. Good days and bad days. I had counselling in the early days and it really helped me to talk things through.

 

I hope things get easier for you both and you get some help.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are both doing.

 

Take care

Love Tina xx 

 

 

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Tina,

 

I cant thank you enough for your response.  I will certainly try again to talk with him.  And I can talk with his Primary care physician since he is mine too and he knows everything that has gone on.  And I need to go talk to my psychologist as well to help me better address what is going on.  

 

I just want him happy. Honestly, some times I get angry missing some of what was, but then I feel guilty. Damn, he is alive, he loves me, I love him, we have a home, we are safe and most of the time I like him...lol. And he is the strongest man I know❤️

 

I reread what I wrote last night and I thought, wow, how selfish and ungrateful.  I do believe some of this is due to the isolation of the past year...but good news, first vaccines for both of us tomorrow.  And after both vaccines we head back to our favorite vacation spot almost 5 years to the day he had the SAH.  Our happy place❤️

 

I know he gets tired and needs his quiet time.  Who doesn’t?  I see it in his face sometimes when we are out like it’s too much for him and it breaks my heart.  And yes noise...especially noisy rooms.  

 

I wish he would talk about how he is feeling, but that didn’t happen before and I am a heads down, what do we need to do to get through this personality.  This level of communication is hard for both of us. I think my reaching out was looking for reassurance that it is ok to feel frustrated, or sad, or lonely.  Thank you for letting me know this is normal and real.  Will be making some calls come Monday.  

 

This site kept me sane the first year after the event.  I may not have posted because it was too raw and I was being me (needed to handle everything) to just make it through.  Thank you again Tina.

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We are always here for you Susan. So pleased BTG kept you sane :) It has been a Godsend for me and many others too. Glad you are going to try and talk to your husband again and make some calls. Yes, it is more than ok to feel frustrated, sad or lonely. It is very normal to feel this way. You are both going through a huge life changing trauma. 

 

I hope no nasty reaction to your vaccines and you both have a lovely vacation. Your happy place ❤️ enjoy, you deserve it :) 

 

Keep in touch

Take care

Love Tina xx

 

 

 

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