Lin-lin

Hey David, Sending you the biggest cyber hugs ever. Please look after yourself as much as your circumstances allow - and take notice of any twinges - it's your body trying to communicate with you. Heart really going out to you mate, L xxxxx

Sending big cyber hugs and best wishes. L xxxxx

Thanks Karen. The DVD that I am enjoying the most is Tara Lee’s ‘Earth Foundation.’ She has other DVD’s which I will get in due course. Out of the ones that I have, this is the one which I would recommend. The others, I am not enjoying as much. That’s not to say that they’re not good; but the Tara Lee one is brilliant. There is a section on balancing. I have learnt how actual balancing (tree pose for example,) helps balance the mind too. When I balance, I really have to concentrate on what I’m doing and the minute my mind wanders, I can feel myself wobbling and becoming unbalanced. By focusing on what I’m doing in the present, I am not anxiously worrying about unnecessary things and it is good respite for my brain, which has developed a bad habit of over activity. Cyber Tree Hugs Everyone!!!!

Thanks for your contributions to this thread. Michelle and Mary, I'll PM you the titles in case BTG gets into trouble for advertising. L xx

I thought I might share my recent experiences as they may be of some help. Anxiety is very common after a SAH, indeed after any trauma. It is fair to say that I am more anxious after the SAH than before; but when I had my son last August, anxiety levels soared and my anxiety is diagnosed as ‘severe.’ I found the birth traumatic, so that may account for my additional stress, but I am doing something about it. My local authority runs a Stress Management Course which I went along to recently and I found it very helpful. It encouraged me to think about how I respond to stress. Prior to that, I was just thinking of things in an external way, i.e. seeing a person or a situation as causing me stress and becoming anxious when I could not avoid the situation. The course encouraged me to consider my responses to stress and I can see how I am very passive and I lack assertion in a massive way. I have learnt that even assertive people can become more passive when they are unwell or tired and so fatigue may account for a large part of it. Another issue I have is that if someone does not agree with me, I find it very mentally taxing to provide the counter argument there and then. This means that ‘I go along’ with what people say and do when it is not my preference. In order to deal with this, I have commenced counselling for, amongst other things, to become more assertive. I have only had one session so far, but I am learning that I have choices in how I respond to people and that I don’t have to be the ‘child’ that jumps sticks all the time. I am sensing, albeit in a small way at the moment, that I am beginning to express myself better, although I have not tackled a big issue as yet. I am saying things like, ‘I feel that…’ and ‘I think that….’ more. Underpinning all this is healthy living habits. I’ve bought some new yoga DVD’s – ones that focus on stress relief. I’ve learnt that an anxious brain has forgotten how to relax and it needs to be taught. Relaxation exercises teach the brain how to shut off once in a while. I am also now very aware of how anxiety compounds fatigue and how I can exhaust myself through just thinking unhealthily. I hope to see some further improvements in the following weeks and will let you know how I get on.

Welcome to BTG!! I don’t think we’ve chatted before, but nice to ‘meet’ you. When we are ill, in whatever capacity, it really focuses us to consider ourselves in a way we did not when we were healthy. Pre SAH, many of us had very busy lives and so our focus was on work, hobbies, social life etc. Post SAH, we can’t absorb ourselves into these external distractions and are left pretty much all alone with our ‘selves’ and thoughts. Many of us have felt depressed after the SAH. It feels horrible, but it is a very normal reaction to having your life turned upside down in an instant. Don’t berate yourself for feeling down. It is understandable that you are out of sorts. Many of us here have worked through our depressions and there are things that can be done to help the process. I would like to focus on your phrase, ‘snapping out of it.’ This phrase may put undue pressure on you because emotional health is a bit more gradual than that. For example, you did not ‘snap into your depression;’ instead, a combination of factors came together, resulting in you gradually feeling low in mood. Likewise, the ascent out of it is likely to be gradual and will come about through a combination of other factors. Exercise is proven to help with depression and you would be forgiven for saying at this point, ‘Well, how do I manage that with fatigue?!!!’ I am not suggesting you train for the next Olympics(!) but just give yourself some time in the day when you can focus on your health – be it emotional or physical. My example, is that I do around 10 minutes of yoga / pilates in the morning and then take my baby son for a walk in the afternoon. Nothing strenuous, but it is a good way of releasing endorphins. When I first had my SAH, I bought lots of gentle exercise DVD’s – real beginner stuff – and it helped significantly. Most counselling programmes on how to deal with depression suggest exercise. It really is proven to help. I am a big fan of counselling these days. Have you thought about this? Receiving help from a counsellor with expertise in brain injury is probably the most helpful. And as for how to deal with people who don’t understand brain injury; well, that is the million dollar question for us on BTG! I don’t think there are many people here who have not been upset and frustrated with comments by others. I’m nearly four years post SAH and I’m still finding that one a bit tricky – but I have a plan!!! I’ve got some counselling lined up to help me become more assertive because I’m woefully passive these days. I’m hoping to learn more direct ways of communicating so that I can deal with people’s comments better. I’ll let you know how I get on!!!

Woop woop, congrats! I had a sah in 2009 and a baby boy in 2012. He is 9 months old now. My obs considered me high risk too and so wrote to my neuro-surgeon, who said the coil would withstand childbirth and so it was arranged that I should have a natural birth. The coil did cope very well but there were other considerations for me. Firstly, my age is 37. Jess is a spring chicken and was 21, I think, when she had her first. This age difference alone is significant. My recovery from the sah is not fantastic. I have fatigue, which was made worse in pregnancy. I fatigued massively in labour and became ineffective. Also, post sah my response to pain is more sensitive. I also have memory issues and speaking to many medical staff confused me. My labour was for 22 hours and ended with forceps. My medical team admitted afterwards that I should have had a c-section and I agree. It would have been a calmer experience and I would not have been so physically tired and weak. This however is only my experience. Jess shows how things can be different. That said, I've a lovely little boy and is very healthy. I'm sure we'll chat soon. Xxxx

This thread has made me well up. Not only with Anna's post, but with Michelle's reply. I am a Mum now and what Michelle has just written is so spot on. The thought of my son being sad if something happened to me breaks my heart. I would want him to be happy and fulfilled. That however is easier said than done and I acknolwedge how hard it is for you to move on when you miss your Mum so much. Bereavement is a massive trauma and I wonder whether you have considered counselling? Here is a link to 'Cruse' who offer bereavement care. http://www.cruse.org.uk/ L xx

I should add insomnia too!

This is relevant to me at the moment because I am on a 6 week Stress Management Course. I am due to commence counselling in June to help me further. Stress indicators for me are:- 1. Fatigue 2. Cognition problems - can't make a decision, work through problems etc. 3. Huge lack of assertion 4. Headaches 5. Feeling jumpy and on edge. 6. Memory issues

Hi girls, In answer to your question Michelle, the author certainly focuses on the first year of recovery and how at the age of 42 it turned his life upside down. (He was a high flying professional and socialised at the same high powered level as his career.) But he also writes about his 'incomplete recovery' and how to look at him, he's fine, but he struggles with things that can't be seen. He also suffers with fatigue. He says that for the purposes of outward appearances, he is cured, but he lacks sharpness. He has to plan things differently than before his stroke and cannot be spontaneous. The book does concentrate on the early recovery more so, but does include how the stroke recovery is a life long issue, not something that got better after 12 months. It's a nice little story and there are parts in it that can be related to. L xx

Has anyone else read the above book? Robert McCrum is a journalist who had a stroke some years ago. I found this book very interesting, especially at my point in recovery, (3.5 years in.) I don't think I would have had so much from the book in the early days; because then I wanted a more 'medical' understanding of what was happening to me. This book is more philisophical and talks about the changes to 'the self' and how a brain injury affects your perceptions of who you are. My partner really enjoyed it too and it gave him a better understanding of how a brain injury can alter you from within. I don't think I've seen this book mentioned on BTG before - apologies if so; but I thought it may be helpful to direct some people to it. L xx

Blimey David!!!! Glad you're ok, but what an ordeal!!! L xx

What works for myself is to not look at the brain injury as something that comes and goes. I do not wake up one morning with less of a brain injury than on other days. Its just that on some days, with careful management, I can acheive more than on other days. I do not consider myself having a fluctuating condition however. The brain injury is a constant, but with the appropriate rest and recovery, I can acheive more on some days. I do not look upon my brain injury as having disappeared during the better cycles and neither do I consider it returning when I fatigue. It's always there, but I feel it in different ways at different times. Pacing is something unique to us. My pace is what suits me, but it may be too much or too little for others. I think it is something we learn over time. It is very important to evaluate our days and recognise the triggers for fatigue (and in my case anxeity) and try to off set the worst elements of it. Having a baby in August has really thrown my old methods of managing fatigue. The constant demands of a baby are really difficult for me but I am working to improve how I manage things. Every night, I sit down with a pen and paper and go through everything I need to do the next day. I organise as much as possible the night before, to take away the need for multi-tasking and rushing. This morning I recognised how I became flustered when preparing breakfast for the baby and I couldn't find a bib for him. My memo to self, is to put some bibs next to his high chair from now on so I won't have to experience that fluster again. Even though I am 3.5 years post SAH and had got to a stage where I was managing my fatigue pretty well; having a baby has changed the rules somewhat! I am now carefully evaluating every day, noticing what has a negative effect on me and trying to introduce little changes here and there to make the next day better.

This may be of some help to this thread. I was assessed regarding my memory and there showed a dip in what is termed ‘working memory.’ There may be some members of BTG who will be able to offer a better explanation as to what working memory is, but I understand it to be information ‘in the moment’ rather than something like long term memory, for example. There is a link between working memory and learning and attention. It is not uncommon for many of us here on BTG to find learning new tasks tiring and it is apparent to us that our attention is not operating fully. So maybe, like me, you have issues with ‘working memory.’ ‘Working memory’ is the information that we temporarily store and this can explain our vacant behaviour on occasions! I am known to repeat myself in conversations, or ask someone the same question more than once. I also notice my problems with attention when I’m viewing programmes on my laptop. I frequently have to stop the programme and reverse a few sections as my mind has wondered off. I believe that working memory and short term memory are different things. I understand that more cognitive processes are involved with working memory; and this may be crucial in explaining our difficulties with day to day things.

It occurred to me to start this new thread after reading something Kris (kpaggett) wrote in the ‘You’re looking well’ thread. Kris says that she found it hard after the SAH to reconcile the way she felt with the way she looked in the mirror. I know that people at Headway have said that they did not recognise themselves in the mirror after their brain injuries. I remember a similar thing. When I looked in the mirror after my SAH, I felt a big disconnection to the image staring back. I knew it was ‘me’ but it didn’t feel like ‘me.’ I would spend long periods staring at myself in the mirror, (not out of vanity I can assure you!) trying to figure out who I was. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing a different face. I have spent years thinking this through. This is my theory, which I do not hold to be accurate! To recognise ourselves in the mirror is a process of the brain and it is not one we are born with. Psychologists created the ‘blush test’ to better understand self-awareness. A selection of babies ranging from 15-17 months and another older group aged 18-24 months were used in an experiment. Psychologists put blusher on the noses of the babies and they were put to play before a big mirror. The younger babies tried to remove the blusher from the image in the mirror. The older babies rubbed the blusher of their noses, thus proving that they recognised themselves in the mirror. So, if recognising ourselves in the mirror is a process of the brain; and a brain injury is an injury to the processes of the brain, could this explain the unfamiliarity felt when looking at ourselves in the mirror? A psychologist at Headway explained the phenomenon as a reaction to shock; but those of us with brain injuries explained that we had experienced other shocking events, but not once did it follow that we did not recognise ourselves in the mirror after those events. Some people in the group outlined previous harrowing events in their lives (really high level stuff), but it was only the brain injury itself that led them to not recognising themselves in the mirror. Any thoughts on this?

It is true that mentioning the SAH in some conversations is a great way to shut someone up. I call it dropping the 'B Bomb', (brain haemorrage bomb) and it's a pretty mighty weapon!

Welcome to BTG. A few of us here do feel that we are different after the SAH. Not all change is a bad thing however and I can confirm that some previous unpleasant traits of mine have been replaced by nicer ones! That said, some other traits can surface which may not be helpful to our relationships with others. Feeling irritable and anxious, which are common after a SAH, can cause unhappiness. Many of us here have had counselling, myself included and it is very helpful. Here is a link to Headway (a charity for people with brain injuries,) who can offer counselling and help family members too. https://www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

Talking of discussions on headaches.... when I gave birth in August last year, my epidural went wrong, leaving me with what is called 'an epidural headache.' I was put in my own room as it was recognised that the ward was a bit too much for me, (understatement!!) A midwife, totally unaware of my SAH, came into my room and said very sympathetically, 'Oh Lynne, is this the worst headache you've ever experienced in your life?' My reply was to laugh midly and say 'erm, not quite.'

There will be many here who can relate to feeling somewhat uncomfortable when someone tells us that ‘we look well.’ I am less irritated by it as time has gone on, but I do remember the anxiety it provoked in the early days. I think I am used to hearing it now; but that said it does not follow that I am complacent about every misunderstanding about my brain injury. With regards to ‘you look well,’ I think it compounds our fears about living with a hidden disability, impairment, health issue (delete as appropriate!) It makes us feel that the other person does not believe us. We live in a world where people react better to physical cues and so a person with an obvious disability (which undoubtedly has its different challenges) doesn’t have to explain so hard why they can’t do something. It is obvious to the most ignorant of people that someone with a broken leg is not going to be able to join them in a trek up Snowdon come the weekend. But for us, explaining why we can’t ‘get around’ is very difficult. People cannot feel the effort it takes for us to do something; they don’t see the rest and recovery that is needed before every event. They are largely unaware of the choices we make every day and how if we do ‘this’ today, we can’t do ‘that’ tonight or tomorrow. We also live in a climate which distrusts people with any disability, be it obvious or hidden. Politicians have done an excellent job in whipping up the country into a frenzy about benefit claimants, suggesting that people are trying to avoid work instead. The harsh testing within the benefits system compounds the idea that those with a health issue need to be poked, prodded and tested to tease out their ‘lies’ about their condition. All in all, politicians have created a fertile ground for the idea that we are all malingering or not trying hard enough to get better. So when we hear ‘you look well’ it represents all the above. We fear we are not taken seriously and that the other person doesn’t understand things. We fear this because we know of the ignorance that exists and are concerned that the other person isn’t grasping it too. It makes us hyper sensitive about the situation. There are ways to counteract this. If someone asks you how you are, you can start by saying ‘although I look well, I am struggling with things that are not apparent from looking at me. I struggle with fatigue and memory problems. I have made a good recovery to look at me, but inside, things are different and it has changed my life.’ Somehow getting it in first can be helpful!

Hi Gavin, Welcome to BTG. After a SAH, we really begin to notice the function of the brain and how it controls everything about us. Even our emotions and reactions to things become intensified. If you don't feel ready to return to work, then please don't. BTG is full of experiences of people who have gone back to work too early and have regretted it. Your brain needs to heal over the forthcoming months and work is often incompatible with the rest you need. Many of us here, myself included, receive counselling to help us with our emotions post SAH. I was never this 'type' of person before, (as if there is a type,) and it was the kind of thing way off my radar pre SAH. However, I felt like a different person post SAH and my reactions to things were not as I would normally behave and having counselling helped with this. Here is a link to Headway, (a brain injury charity,) who have helped me lots and arrange my counselling with a neuro psychologist. https://www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx L xx

I am so pleased to hear from you as you have been on my mind. I am glad that you are feeling better. Do let us know when your aniogram is so that we can offer you support. Catch up soon, L xx

Hi We’ve ‘chatted’ on another thread, so welcome again! So your wife is 38 weeks pregnant! What an exciting time. My little boy was born in August and so he is 7 months old now. He is my first, same for my partner. (Talking of whom, he is still poorly from all the celebrating yesterday!) Daff makes an excellent point regarding family support. I don’t know what your family dynamic is, but if there is help on offer, have a think about putting something in place now in readiness. Parenting a newborn is very tiring and the healthiest of parents will complain about it. You will have the added pressure of recovering from a SAH too. This doesn’t make your situation impossible; but it does make it different, but no less special! I have lots of help from my parents and my partner’s parents. My SAH was in 2009. I suffer with fatigue and I have help every day. You are very early in your recovery and you seem to be doing great. I wasn’t as good as you at the stage you are at. I was in the Heath for 5 weeks and when I went home, I was like a limp lettuce for months. Irrespective of how well you are doing however, your brain has a lot of healing to do. Rest is an important aspect of your recovery and you will need to continue with it when the baby arrives. (This is where help comes in handy!) If you and your wife would like to contact either myself or my partner, you are very welcome. Although our experiences are not identical, (although no two situations are,) we have some very unique common ground which may be of some benefit to the both of you. I hope both you and your wife are resting as much as possible. Can’t wait to hear more about the baby!! Lynne

Ah...another Taff. Croeso! I hope your blood pressure wasn't compromised as a result of the exciting rugby game today! A SAH at an ante natal class is a new one on us! I've not heard of that one before! Welcome to BTG. It would be nice to hear more about you as your circumstances seem interesting. You could start a new thread introducing yourself. Has the baby arrived or is the due date pending? Forgive me for my interest, but I had a baby in August 2012, (SAH 2009.) Best wishes L

I miss 1. Athleticism 2. Busy social life 3. Freedom to do something last minute I don’t miss 1. The rat race 2. Cramming too many things into the day 3. Feeling obligated to do things I don’t want to and with people I don’t like!