Lauren D

Thanks Sami, at least I've got the right diagnosis now and I can see the neuros and see what they suggest. However, so long as I can keep her laughing and we can have nice times together, I will try not to think of the future. It was a bit scary when the dr said falls and stuff makes the brain injury worse but I know that myself, but, this is the first time I've had a stinking cold since the SAH which has not affected my brain so much - anything previously has tended to mimic the post SAH sense of being out of it, any sort of viral infection has knocked me sideways so where's there's life there's hope. Best wishes Lauren x I've asked to change my hours at work so I can spend a bit more time attending to her so that makes me feel better too!

Just to say I'm shattered tonight, when I came home from holiday and found she'd had a bad fall with ten stitches in her head and no-one told me, came home and sobbed my heart out, then got her here over Christmas to look after her and she wasn't good, ok but not good so I spoiled her. She's been so not right since and I kept thinking it's neuro, they've missed something, made a bit of a fuss, got the physios lined up and the carers are trying their best and we've been out for some nice meals but she's just not been right. I know everyone thinks I'm neuro bonkers so I have to tone it down but after another bad night's sleep I woke up yesterday thinking I have to do something before it's too late and so I called up A&E and asked them if she'd been scanned with her head and they checked and said she'd left before the scan and wanted me to bring her back in to do a CT. She didn't want to go but I left work at 10 am this morning and got her to A&E and we saw a lovely doctor, young Eastern European guy and very thorough and got her through the CT scan, and all the rest, bloods, chest x-ray, ecg, spent the whole day in A&E waiting for the results. He came by later with the results when the consultant had seen it and, given that I've been banging on about her hand not working and is it neuro and we've spent the last 12 months talking to the orthopaedic surgeons ... today they picked up an infarct on her brain which isn't recent and so she had the stroke at least twelve months ago which I kept suggesting and it's not their fault but they should've started with the brain scan. I took her out for a nice meal and she's grateful it's not so bad but it's 12 months lost, and more previously when they said she might have had TIAs but they didn't do scans then which was 10 years ago as they said it was too expensive to diagnose but was obvious through behaviour ... it makes me want to cry my eyes out but I won't because I'm no good to her if I do, and it was like that then, so we're lucky now to have met a doctor today who knew how to run the neuro tests properly, not in a way where she remembers the mini mental tests and how to answer them but someone who could see the pointers past that. I've left the letter with my gp saying she needs to see the neurologists God why can't they see they need to start by ruling out neurological problems before they start with the hardware ???? As I work for the hospital I don't blame anyone and I know they all do their best, it's in the training and understanding and it needs to start at grass roots level, but as we've met a doctor today who did start at the beginning then perhaps it's beginning to happen in the training. It's only a minor stroke, but phew, we all know what it means and I know she'll wake up in the morning and the shock will set in ... as it will with me and I'll feel so angry for not sticking up for what I believed in more and listening to my intuition and my dreams which have kept waking me in the night but thinking I'm overcooking my imagination because of the SAH and everyone else thinking I'm doing it because I'm retarded etc. Best thing of all is though, my SAH has meant I can see past the dementia and we can have a good time together still and I'll do it as long as I can for her. We even giggled today when she got the day right guessing it on her test and then I asked her the day and she said Monday and I called her a chancer for getting it right and she got that so she's not so bad ... can still do the humour with the brain damage, and when the doctor asked her what she drinks I said 2 cans of lager, he said a week and she said yes, knowing full well it's every day so she's pretty ok on the whole ... I think at 80 it's allowed or am I too lenient? Thanks, I can say it here honestly.

Hi all I've spoken with Stephanie and she said they want to include SAHers in this although I'm not sure how we can possibly fit in with the FAST campaign and am rather expecting that we will not get ourselves heard for this reason. My sister the practice nurse told me that SAH wasn't a stroke was adamant I should've been over it within about 6 weeks and the rest was a put on (in spite of second coiling 18 mo later!) so it's particularly close to my heart that this campaign should include us, also for people to realise how devastating it is, how long it takes to recover, and that it's not so infrequent and the longer term consequences of not being treated asap mean there is still a very high mortality rate of 50:50 which is much higher here than in any other European country. Anyhow I'm meeting up with the BSF team tonight at Emirates and see if I can find out any more. The agency seems very good to all purposes but they have to follow the NHS brief. If anyone hears from Stephanie further can you post on here? Lauren

Hi Yasmin I've had one and completed it. The NHS are promoting the FAST campaign - FACE ARM SPEECH Time to call 999 - so that people recognise stroke symptoms. I've included my symptoms which were classic sudden onset headache in the brain when I felt the annie burst and I went weak all over and found it hard to talk, neck pain, sick etc. etc. so I've no idea how they will reconcile that with this campaign as it's more about the other type of stroke. But we'll see because it would be good if they can raise awareness of SAH along the way. There was an article in yesterday's Mail about it in the Health Section. Best wishes Lauren n

It's so good to be able to talk about Mum on here, hope you don't mind. Doctor called to say no infection but likely dementia is worsening, no sign of a bleed and wound on head is healing well. We're going to try to swop her lager which is all she will drink for non-alcoholic ones and get her liquid that way as it's cruel to try to force her to drink and eat what she doesn't want to. Dementia seems very like SAH in slow reverse and things are sliding but so long as I know she's getting the best care then I cannot do anything else. At least I understand that when our brain's aren't fully working it doesn't mean that we're not wholly unaware of things around us and we're still people. Also it's hard to expect other people to understand without the experience so I mustn't get frustrated by people who think that just because you're not on the same wavelength you're no longer a person. I realised my brain and me were not one and the same but just part of the same and that people who've not experienced brain injury aren't able to understand. Happy New Year and all the best in 2009. Lauren xxxx

Thanks for your kind words. The dementia kicked in around 1994 but wasn't really diagnosed as it was confused with her depressive condition following Dad's death in 1992. She has always had lots of health concerns since I was about 12, but has bounced from extreme lows back to high and down again, sometimes with several years of a more steady line before the next episode. Her accident in 2002 when she fell and nearly amputated her foot occurred when I'd left her at home feeling depressed in bed rather than getting her sectioned as I thought it wasn't necessary and then that happened. She nearly died as a result of it and was in hospital for months on end and we had to get her into extra care/sheltered housing and I had to take her there and leave her home behind, which we subsequently had to sell which was all very upsetting. Then I had the SAH in 2004 just after we sold the bungalow and although I tried very hard, even getting her to Eastbourne on the train to watch our tennis team play for county the week AFTER I got out of hospital , goodness knows how I did it to this day especially as she was in a wheelchair then. I guess it all got too much trying to carry on as normal and as I had to have breaks here and there from mum as I said I couldn't cope, the family thought I was either on something or mental as I got cross because no-one believed me when I said I wasn't up to caring for her and told me to just get on with it. It's been a long journey but I've learned a lot about having to look after me a lot more and I'm glad we've been able to have lots of nice times together and I can understand it when she tells me her brain doesn't work properly. I guess it's not their fault they couldn't understand and I didn't either, but at least I can look back on the nightmare of it all now with more understanding. And thank goodness for this website on which new SAHers can get support as well as old SAHers like me! Sorry if I'm droning on/repeating myself - would've gone down the gym to work it off if the car hadn't broken down today. Mum said last year she wanted to come and see me if I did the Marathon again this year and I was hoping to be able to organise something - not sure that's going to be but will not give up on the idea just yet as I'd love to see her in the Mall opposite Buck Pal and meet up with the Brain and Spine team after before taking her home. I like to try to find things to stimulate her and not leave her feeling old and discarded and out of things. Laurenx

As they say - you can't change other people you can only change yourself. Were it that easy! I've spoken with the carers and they're concerned re mum as she's not getting up and is in a lot of pain from her fall even though it was 2 weeks ago and says she's giddy but she won't eat or drink properly. I tried to get through to my GP today but kept missing him as I was trying to deal with a cracked windscreen and the loss of reverse gear in my car in between working. Lucky it's quiet and I work in the road next door. Typical order of the universe but fortunately my friend came and sorted out my home broadband connection so ehildy I'm stuck in waiting to find out if the RAC can patch up the car which is due to have replacement part on Monday I can at least have a moan here. I'm very worried about Mum because she's started to deteriorate more and cannot remember one day to the next and if she won't eat or drink properly because of the dementia then it's not good. She has always bounced back from setbacks before but I'm not sure about this one. I'm glad we managed to have a lovely time together and it doesn't matter what she can and can't remember so long as I made her feel cared for as I only understand too well from my experience. I think it's best I let the carers and GP advise rather than jump in with both feet with family as I seem to say all the wrong things, I suppose my expectations are unrealistic. Also as it's the first time in the last 3 years I've felt up able to cope with caring for her at Christmas, and have still not been forgiven for having a few months off here and there along the way whilst trying to recover for which I've not been forgiven, I'd best keep quiet! Lovely to receive all your support and I did manage to get off the guilt trip for a while! So thank you. Lauren xxx

Hi Karen I've also sent a reply and would be only too glad to assist. Doing the voluntary work with the BSF has been of enormous help in my recovery and I am probably much more confident in some areas now than I would've been prior the SAH. Can you add to my name that I had SAH July 2004 coiled and 2nd coiling April 2006? Best wishes Lauren

I just wanted to say that I had a wonderful holiday lucky me in St Lucia and was able to do scuba diving (so long as I don't do anything risky it's ok) and whalewatching and was thoroughly spoiled for ten days. It set me up for looking after mum for the last 4 days which was a little tiring but I was able to stay calm and deal with it as I'd looked after me and felt she was entitled to her turn. Sadly the rest of the family didn't contribute anything to her care over the last 4 days. Mum had managed to fall downstairs and cut her head open and be hospitalised with ten stitches whilst I was on holiday which was pretty much to be expected but I've been able to look after her and do my bit without feeling the usual resentment under the circumstances so I've learned the lesson which is to put myself first then I'm better for everyone else! Best wishes to you all and thank you for telling me to go away and not feel guilty. Lauren

Hi Sharon You're being really brave and what I have had to learn is that when I can't cope with my mum and need to look after myself that's ok as once I'm stronger I'm better for her. She's in extra care for the elderly with some psychiatric mental health probs and there's a girl there my age (50+) who had SAH at same time as me and I can see it's not really the right place. Do you have a good contact with Social Services - I now have a very good care manager and a whole range of people who support me in caring for mum from my GP to Carers (they're worth getting in touch with - Princess Royal Foundation for Carers) and I have a worker who comes and gives me regular pep talks and wonderful advice for managing my emotions. Go out and get all the help you can get which I've only just woken up to - the Brain and Spine nurse is an angel, and she's always got wise words to offer. Take care Laurenx

Since my SAH I have found that food is my fuel and I'm quite bonkers now about the quality of the food I eat and find avoiding food with additives in plus good sleep habits critical for my wellbeing. Or it's just getting old. Lauren

I'm looking forward to going away and having got stuck in the habit of worrying too much about what everyone else thinks I was glad when the counsellor called tonight to book an first appointment and so I'm hoping it will give me a chance to find a way through the murkiness as I am still feeling so sad in the run up to Christmas that I'll be left out of the family again and Mum will go out with my sister bro in law and my two dear nephews who I've not really seen in the last 4 years due to the rift post my SAH when I asked for transparency over how they were running mum's finances. Now I've really stood up for myself and challenged them further saying it's unacceptable just talking to me about mum's care by text and email and not allowing any other form of communication just makes me wonder what on earth they have got to hide which has resulted in brother in law threatening me with an injunction if I communicate with them ... it was only an email I sent and it wasn't the slightest bit rude - and I'm the one feeling bad, guilty and lonely. The thing is even going along with it didn't make any difference so I suppose I've nothing more to lose by standing up for myself. I only wish I could wave a magic wand and find a wiser way forward. I suppose if Mum gives into them all the time because of the boys and doesn't see that I should be treated with respect then they'll not going to go down that line, and because she's got dementia and can't be upset I'm on a hiding to nothing - it shows they don't really care and perhaps I'll just have to try to stay busy not to be upset and leave the door open.

I actually feel quite selfish ... probably post SAH jumped to conclusions, was scared and probably didn't do myself any favours and said all the wrong things at the wrong times. I feel that with SAH communication, especially if it's not been that great before jsut deteriorates - I still blame myself for not being the perfect patient. I did try awfully hard to make it look like I was ok when I so was not and look after mum. I took mum out for a nice dinner last night and we had a really nice time and she was good and I'm glad I can do it and entertain her and keep up a positive front but I know now there's a price to pay - I cannot be 100% her carer and entertainer, and I have to recognise when it's starting to get too much the one way thing I have to find a way through that makes sense for me. I realise I'm so programmed to care that I feel very guilty if I'm not 100% for her and if I'm unwell I feel I'm letting myself and others down. But I'm working on it.. just had a great game of tennis with my friends and I'm feeling good, will get an early night and am so glad to have come home from the club to nice messages - I was expecting a telling off as it's what I'm used to for expressing my feelings. Take care, I'm still nervous about talking about myself as I feel so flawed ...

I had mine in July 2004 and even after I went back to work full time I still got that tiredness for the best part of two years, but hasn't been nearly so bad this last 2 years and much better in the last year although I can't burn the candle at both ends any more, but neither do I want to! I find exercise has helped enormously. I still get overwhelmed and stressed if people try to put too much onto me and still need a quiet time at the end of the day. Best to go with the feeling rather than listening to anyone who says what you "should" feel. Take care Lauren x

Hi Paul - thanks for taking the time for me in the midst of what you're up against. Don't give up Paul, did I tell you that I know that Lin will know you're there on some level and I was totally out of it when I was bluelighted to Kings and was disappointed (sad but true) that I missed having any recall of such an experience - but the first time I drove past an ambulance with the sirens blaring the hairs on my arms went up and I could "feel" the memory, so I now believe that there are many degrees of consciousness and everything you do for your dear lin she knows. Please look after you it's so draining when you are caring as you are and feel there's nothing coming of it. Every day must seem like a marathon effort for you so you need to sleep and eat and look after you if you're to stay strong. Lauren

Well naturally I feel guilty and a bit nervous just buzzing off on a ten hour flight on my own but the place I've booked is said to be suitable for single people who don't want to travel in a group and there's lots of yoga and stuff like that and it's not all partying which I can't do any more! I'm happy going to bed at 10.30 and that's my lot. I know I'm really lucky after all that's happened but sometimes I feel just overwhelmed and the last few weeks have been like that and I wonder is it just stress, or is it stress + post SAH stuff .. or just getting older? Sounds like I need a holiday obviously, need to chill.

Well, what can I say - what I'm going through now is nothing to some of the things I've had to deal with so I just need to pull myself up and do some good things for me! Having all your kind thoughts and words is making a huge difference and I look foward to receiving some new ideas for old problems. I just don't think my family can see me in any other light than carer and if I ask for something back then there must be something wrong with me! They are just so used to having a little runaround and someone who they can put all their stuff on and a counsellor I recently met said it's probably a form of defence from their own fear of death which I have touched on. So if they can't do empathy I'll just have to practice some more. I'm up for another series of counselling soon just on the waiting list but I've just booked a holiday in the Caribbean and go in early December (when my Carer's course on caring for people with mental health issues comes to an end!) and I think I might even book a horseriding lesson this weekend and get back on a horse ... and see if I can get my confidence back for going for a good gallop as that always used to do the trick!

Thank you all so much for your kind sincere messages - they really made a difference. This is just a quick login as I'm at work and my internet connection at home is still playing up. I would love to come to a BTG meeting - where are you all, I'm in Kent ... As for writing letters anything I do to suggest I have feelings I need acknowledged is just another symptom of my insanity or whatever they're labelling it this week (if I lose weight I'm anorexic, see how it goes...) and an excuse to denigrate me. I've had counselling (I've even trained in pscyhotherapy to try to get to the bottom of things!) but my GP gave the best diagnosis when he said it took me 2 brain ops before I woke up to the fact that I'm the family doormat. He's not the type of man given to saying such things so it was quite drastic, but spot on. I saw several psycho people who just said my only problem was standing up to my family and then I had a year of counselling which made me realise that I've spent my life living out the script I grew up with - i.e. caring, running after others and not getting anything in return and 2 years ago I realised that most of my relationships have been based on how my family - no-one there in the tough times, only there for the good! I've been trying to turn it round and it's been an interesting journey and I've had a bit of a clear out. Sadly I lost one close friend to a brain haem after a fall not long after my SAH and she was there for me. Everyone else is busy with their kids and families and I'm left out in the cold. I called mum up this morning to see if she's ok and she apologised for Sunday and said I should've phoned ... however if I do and my sister phones afterwards she stands me up for her - guess it's as she knows I'm around every weekend for a meal and my sister (who is a nurse who won a very prestigious award some years back) only takes her out with the family once every 4- 6 weeks. I only said to Mum it's not very considerate and she said don't start, all you do is moan (and I'm taking her out Christmas Day). There's a long history of all this, it didn't start with the SAH it just made things worse ... I just said OK be like that and I'll talk to you when you can find it in yourself to be a bit nice to me. She's been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which in some ways is another excuse for bad behavoiur(!) but has been through the mill. Phew, I feel better for that, the monster inside me isn't eating away now! You've all made me feel lots better. I'm not in such a bad place, good job, lovely home and some very nice friends but who other than SAHers understands SAHers? Laurenxxx

Hi I had my SAH in July 2004. I have an elderly Mum in care who is 78 who has suffered mental health problems off and on (mostly depression and occasional psychosis) for as long as I can remember and who now has dementia along with lots of other physical ailments including a disability caused by a horrid accident when she fell off a ladder 6 years ago (don't ask!) which resulted her nearly losing her foot and she was in hospital 6 months. I always took on the care of the family when I was a teenager and in and out of hospital but managed to stay on and get my A levels and go to college. I was in an abusive marriage until ten years ago, Dad died of a cerebral haemorrhage in 1992 and since then mum's mental health went further downhill. When I had the SAH in 2004 I was dropped off home by my sister who admittedly had loads on her plate with my nephew with ME and was in a wheelchair at the time, and basically left to get on with and tried also to continue looking after mum as best I could. I went back to work after 8 weeks and it went wrong so I had to take more time off work. Bascially the family thought I was putting it on and any calls for support went unheeded and of course I got very very angry and there were some unpleasant outbursts on my part of which I'm ashamed, but I didn't realise at the time it was the SAH and I was virtually cut out by my sister and husband and didn't see my nephews any more which only made more more angry, especially as my sister and brother in law took over my mum's finances having just sold her bungalow and refused to share any information with me. I had a second coiling in 2006 and none of the family visited me and it was my 50th two weeks later and I threw together a small do which mum came to and bless her even went out and bought some food for it and my sister was busy with a commitment with my nephew but it just so hurt and I got quite cross (only on text though). I had to break off with mum's care for a while and kindly wrote and told her I needed a break to get well and had a few months away whilst I got my head together. This resulted in my sister and brother in law getting my power of attorney revoked and put in my brother in law's name however mum had got herself moved into non-caring accommodation and was deteriorating badly - part of my depression at the time was seeing she needed more care but I couldn't get my sister to see it as I do. However outside powers moved the situation to a conclusion where she's now back in extra care and properly looked after and I take her for most of her hospital appointments and take her out once a week for a good meal and check on her. My sister does go in and see her and check on her too and takes her for meals. Yesterday I went to pick her up for a meal as I mostly do on Sunday's and she was waiting for my sister to pick her up as I'd not phoned her to say I was taking her out. I went off home alone and just felt, as I always do, crushed and written off. I know I'm on my own, divorced, no kids and perhaps that's why I feel so resentful and angry and then I get into a cycle of depression and I'm trying very hard not to get that way but has anyone any good ideas for handling this ongoing hurt in a positive way? I wanted to find out post the SAH what went on when I was out of it but no-one has ever given me the time to talk about it and they all joked around at the time which freaked me out and I can't seem to move on there are so many unanswered questions and I've had the curtains pulled down on me for attempting to ask for explanations. I sometimes think I must be mad which is what they've called me. It just so hurts. Thought it's better to sound off here rather than internalise it and then have nightmares and get depression. Lauren x

Hi Nikki Hope you're feeling a bit better. What I've learned is that it's me who has to be responsible for taking care of myself as if I pretend I'm ok when I'm not it all comes crashing down eventually. I'm still trying to learn the old "less is more" mantra. Good luck Lauren x

Hi Nikki Like you I went back to work after 8 weeks and crashed out after 4 as they were asking me to do full time and I wasn't ready and I went through hell for a year ... they even tried to use a Capability policy to get me out but the boss didn't reckon on my fight and with the help of HR and the union I'm still there, though not in the same job. I was actually working for a clinical department in the local NHS trust when it happened and had only recently started. I could not and still can't believe the stigma around brain surgery. What I would have done in hindsight, had I been paid, would've been to take six months off and then go back on a part-time basis for the next 3-6 months. You can only go on how you feel - and I was eager to get myself back up and running but looking back I really was pushing it. I reckon it took me 2+ years to get through most of it although I achieved a lot in that time and it wasn't wasted but I think I put myself through a lot of trauma and grief on top of what I'd already gone through and if someone had been there to take care of the bills and help me with the house I would've pulled back a bit. I run the LFM just a year after the second coiling and did it again this year and now run regularly as I find it helps keep me calm and I try to be less "driven" though still find it hard. We're all different, just this is my story and if there's anything you can take from it which will help,that's good. Good luck take care. Lauren PS I still get the odd bit of s**t from managers if I show the least sign of stress (never mind that it might be them causing it) but I keep HR and Occupational Health on side as part of my support process and I'm going through it again now as I've been mismanaged of late by a new manager who is pulling out the "brain injury is she all right she's so stressed out" chestnut out the bag, so I guess it goes with the territory now.

I had a follow up coiling 18 months after the SAH and was a bit nervous but it all went very smoothly, I was in HDU for 24 hours with all the monitoring but felt fine afterwards other than a bit light headed for several days. It is done under anaesthetic. It was so nice to wake from the anaesthetic compos mentis as I was scared of feeling like I idid after the SAH. It was also nice to see the staff again who had looked after me when I was out of it and to reassure me that it hadn't shocked them in the same way it had my family. I had the op on the Monday, was home after a couple of days, able to drive, out gardening on the Friday, swimming on Saturday and back to work a couple of weeks later and started training for the marathon after 3 weeks. I think the worrying about it was far worse beforehand but have since felt I've had the chance to get my life back together. Good luck, Lauren x

Thanks Paul, kind words make me feel so much better than all the unkind ones from my family, like "get on with it" - especially having looked after mum with her mental health problems since I was about 12 ... and my EPOA was removed by bro-in-law after she'd been diagnosed with dementia and borderline personality disorder, but for all the trouble it will cause me if I try to stand up for myself, it's just not worth it. My sister won't discuss anything and has avoided me since I first challenged her over taking over mum's finances (having just sold bungalow) when I got ill 4 years ago and recent requests for answers to my questions by email have met with threats from them to put an injunction on me! It's really very silly and I think you're right it's more about them being scared of mental instability and their own mortality and they're projecting it onto me. I get upset and buy into it to try to get message across and it's like banging my head against a brick wall as I'm the one who continues to get hurt. I got taken to Bournemouth a few weeks after the SAH for a few days, then packed off home and that was end August 2004 and that's really the last time. Because of mum's vulnerability and neediness I try to keep the peace and avoid the legal route as she'll only turn on me if I upset them. I've lost all the family I thought I had, what a mug. And to think my ex-husband predicted they'd treat me like a joke when I divorced him for his unacceptable behaviour. Had a few tears when I went to see works counsellor today and she tried to hide her shock but asked why I keep going back for more - precisely! Anyway I'm in the BSF brochure and there are plans afoot to update recovery from SAH and I think I might suggest we are told more about recovery being so much tougher than "wait and see how it goes" as it sends the wrong message to family right from the start. Especially if they're scared of brain stuff. I did New Forest Half Marathon at weekend, so am made of strong stuff, just facing up to what I've always known and not wanted to acknowledge, that my family see things very differently and I should spend more time on me and less worrying about what they're all up to! Sad but true. Laurenx

Thanks for all your kind thoughts. It's turning into a real dilemma as to how I manage it. I spend so much time caring for my elderly mum and was in hospital with her half of yesterday and I get so upset that I was abandoned by my family and ostracised just when I needed them most. I feel that I'm just acting like a silly 5 year old who should get over it. That's what they all say according to mum and and my role in the family is just to run around after mum and not to make any fuss about being ostracised by them all. It makes me feel I must be a bad person and I've spent the last 3 Christmas's on my own and when I went away this Christmas mum got left on her own. I can't help but feel that there's another agenda but if I say as much it's more fodder to say I'm bitter and twisted - even though I do have evidence to the contrary. All attempts to approach my sister and discuss reasonably have met with her throwing fits and going back and telling my mother I upset her. It's a no win situation and I feel they're trying to annihilate me from the family. Well, they've just about done so already.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I cannot believe the way things have turned out but all I can do now is make sure my mum is cared for properly and be careful not to get cross with her when she sides with my sister against me, as with her dementia and other mental health issues, she can't really help it and I can only think she's being hurt as much as I am by it all. Looks as if I might have a legal battle ahead of me, but I'm strong enough to go through with it now - wasn't really up to it before - so perhaps that's indicative of me getting stronger. Take care all Lauren x