MaryB

I cannot watch TVshows where people are arguing at all or talkign over each other!!!!!! AND that is what work is like for me!

What is up with the background music being louder than the voices on a movie. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I keep turning it up than down than up. I miss so much with background music.

LOL Dawn about the foil. Mine is when David puts the dishes away. Holy COW! It is like he is tossing them in the cabinets. OUr washing machine and dryer are in another room near the center of where I SIT. They are prety new and do not make much noise. We desperatley need a new dishwasher but when I price them the silent ones were like $400 more than the regular one. Just was not prepared for that price difference. I would also like to tell my husband he does not need to walk so heavy but I think I would get a dirty look on that one. Thanks, mary

Thanks ladies, I feel better. I was wondering if it is days I take the riatlin to stay awake but I guess when I am home laying on sofa I have the volume on 9 and no one can hear the TV. AT XMAS I had a house full of company and they had the on 40 I was like a crazy person! I think I am going to call and see how much it is goign to cost me to see the NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST that I saw after testing. He was so nice and told me to call anytime. I need him to help me sort this all out with me. Actually I just want someone to give me the answers to all my life's questions.

I am so annoyed that noise is bothering me again. Today at work a gal was tapping a credit card on counter while on the telephone. I had to grab her hand to make her stop it was so loud and annoying. I also am now more than before telling people to "Shhhhhhhhhhhh", even my boss. I cannot take the loud talking, the talking over the noise or noise in general. I thought I over came this battle but I guess not. Maybe it is worse when tired or late in the day. Anyone have similar feelings to noise? Thanks, maryb

I am workign full time or 7:30 to 5:00 3 days a week and 1/2 days 3 days. I think I am cutting my life short by doing this. Next week I have to work 3 long days in a row and I have no idea how I will manage. I am back to my exhaustion phase when I nap all afternoon again. My neurologist upped my dose of Ritalin but I have not taken that high of a dose as I do not think my mind and body can follow....... I need to see an insurance counsler, a life coach to get me back into balance. My advice to knock those hours down. Once you start back it is almost impossible to get them cut back. I LOOK NORMAL and that does not seem to be on my side either!! Your brain maybe can do it for a short time but it is after a few weeks you need to see how you feel participating in the rest of your life. I have no kids at home and I have no idea how I would manage if I did. SO TAKE IT SLOWER. Good luck. Maryb

Exercise is very frustrating to me. I get headaches, basic yoga or water exercise is best for me. Any repetitive motion is a no no. But i have fibro and that is part of that. Since SAH I really have to fight the fatigue and the headaches that come with it. It seems if I am in the least bit worn out it is best to skip it as it does me more harm than good. I cannot like put my head back in that position so I am sticking with the water where my midn and body become weightless. Good Luck~ I am 53 so I am sure I am not boncing as well, and I work full time so that uses up most of my engery.

Hi Loretta, After 16 months I seem to now lose my cool more than ever & get in their face when I am wronged or whatever the situation. This only happens at work. I hold my tongue much at home as my husband does not deserve to know what I am thinking as I know I am wrong & probably over reacting. But at work I can really lose it. I can be pretty patience in store lines etc...and in public even at home but work sends me over the edge. I could almost cross the line there. Not sure what that is all about right now. MaryB

Bev Dear, If you did not have those feelings you would not be normal. I feel the same way with this stupid brain tumor now that last month my Neurosurgeon said we can remove it. I was told earlier not to worry so now I am doing the same thing of do I want to relive any of that recovery again?? Plus all the "what if's"? I think having to deal with another brain issue just can throw us over the edge. My friend at lunch on Saturday was talking about her mammograms as she is recovered from breast cancer and how she gets all weird when she has to go in for scans. So it is not just us. I never had problems with the test etc......as I would never recognize anyone from that time other than my surgeon. I can meditate through the MRI's etc but that icky feeling is gone now. I do not recall how far out you are. I really count on that paragraph written under people name to remind me of that. I think you are early on though and it does get easier. It all gets easier but when we are facing something and we are tired it makes us crazy and unsettled. Hope you can find a happy place for the time being. I just tend to ignore things and put them on a shelf until I have to deal with them. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with stuff though. Try not to worry as it is a waste of our precious energy and does us no good. I think that is why I put things on that shelf. Big hug. maryb

Stephanie, Maybe in a gentle way you can interrupted or redirect their re telling of the story? You have been through a lot and it is not easy to get passed the anger and bitter stage. I certainly did not do mine in any the correct order of grieving. I jumped from numbness to acceptance and now I live in a bit of anger. The one year mark is such an interesting mark in your life. It made me move on a little bit. I think. I don’t know it was such a big thing in my head and I know we are all so grateful & everything but I felt like maybe I needed counseling after all! Also it seemed I would be so much better than I was but when I look back at how far every month I have come it is interesting that you miss so much of your progress. I almost think it what we need is a balancing coach but maybe that is what BTG is for us. I think some more feeling normal days would help. It took a year to cook, 15 months to knit etc… but I went back to work at 5-6 months. Maybe it is time to take some time out of your day for yourself. Water aerobics class or something with some safe exercise makes me feel much better. I feel as if I can breathe. It is a great weigh less feeling in the water- weight less of mind and body. But you somehow have pull through. I hate the bitter stage and know I personally need to work through that and am not sure if it is a phase of being tired or just a stage anymore. I think Step you should write more and get those feelings out. Go ahead and vent in BTG so you can work though it. I often write in words and than just delete the whole thing so no one feels bad if they read it. I imagine with a family you have no privacy. It must be so hard for all of you with families at home I cannot imagine having all that commotion all the time in the house. It would be like work. Do you have any friends or relatives that are normal and do not have a bunch of drama in their life that you can have an equal conversation with. Not all about you but that they get what you have been through? And you can have an interest in what goes on in their life as well? I made a New Years Resolution to spend time every 2 weeks with my friend and her small children. And it is helping me. I would always rather stay in my pjs on my day off but after I am out and about with them for an hour or so I feel better for it. Good Luck sweetie! Maryb.

I could not even turn the RIGHT burner of the stove on for over a year. And i woudl sit and read it for like 15 minutes and make sure I turned the correct one on and STILL make a mistake.. It was not just cooking but it was everything about the kichen was such a struggle. It was like I was at first getting dressed which should take 15 minutes but I would get STUCK looking at socks for 20 minutes early on after SAH. But the kitchen was banished from memory. LOL....

Wem, Congrats on returning to the working world. I think we all must be workaholics. If only you could switch that off and on...hum??? Continue working your on that switch that would be such a huge thing to learn. I think I need to be treated like a lab rat at this point to get zapped everytime I respond like it is all for me to take on. It is so hard for me not to stay busy or I would just lay down!! I do know one of my triggers for rest is if I put my satin eye mask on it shuts me right down. And go slowly, I think many of us were too eager to work up to our max and maintain which was within months of returning back to work. I want to say go slower with more hours than you think so you can still have a life outside of work. Keep up the good work. Mary

Dawn, One of the fascinating things with my recovery was “the kitchen switch coming on for me”. I know we have had similar issues but I could not process going to the kitchen and preparing a meal for like a year. Something I have made a million times like soup or chili was mind boggling for me. I could only make a side dish it seemed that was so very basic, even cake mixes with 3 ingredients failed. At about my one year mark my neurologist put me on Ritalin and it was like a light switch came on in my brain for processing a meal. It was really incredible and fascinating how the drug worked. I now have no affects from the Ritalin but it was like the 2nd day and it was just like OMG, I can cook again. I still struggle a bit with meal planning and grocery shopping but much improved. I really think that has more to do with burn out from working. Hope you get back into the swing of the kitchen real soon! Proud of you! How is your Nana? MaryB

So true when you see your Doctors every visit you realize how far you have come along. I am always amazed by that.

Bev, You are bound to be scared & have a zillion other emotions....but you at least have an answer and they do amazing work nowadays. You are a strong young mother and God is testing your will. I ask myself how someone with young children can deal with this but maybe it is the distraction children can be that is the help you need in the long run. Not that anything can be said to make it any easier. I sometimes think we deserve a KNOCK OUT pill just so we do not have to think, worry or stress for a day. Just a pill to let us sleep and wake up refreshed. Kind of like the drug they give you when you have a colonoscopy - you wake up and feel so refreshed! When my surgeon said "he could remove that tumor now" I tell you I have done nothing but think about it every day. I do not know if it is better to do it now b4 it grows, leave it alone and take the chance it may never grow or just stick my head in the sand. If it were on my foot I would say take it now but? It is so hard to constantly think about surgery but when you look in this room you can see so many strong people that have dealt with so much and come through so well. Along with deeper understanding for others & the wisdom we gain may be the prize? I wish it were a face life or a trip to Hawaii but??? I do know at almost 54 years old the rough times in my life have taught me more than any other education possible. I have been able to later draw on that "wisdom" and make a difference in others life. It is when we pay attention to the issue at hand that we gain such insight. You never know someday you may be the advocate for others in the same situation or doing a day care to help people with illnesses. You just never know what this will lead you to do. I am certainly not talking about "Everything happens for a reason & that reason is you make stupid & bad decisions". Because with wisdom and age you take those people and toss their drama out of your life when they repeat bad choices. You come away with learning how to cope, just start by putting one foot in front of another for now, whatever it takes to get through the day and you do that until it gets better for you. IN turn you will help others with your courage. Maryb

I am with you with those sharp pains to the side of the head although I was told my SAH would be rare to happen again. But it does scare you. So I do not think I am having another SAH but I do get that unexpected sunlight that hits me in my eye, sharp pain than a migraine. I panic less now but am more annoyed! The other day I was cleaning and wanted to step on the step stool~ I almost posted it on facebook that if I do not make another post in so many minutes call 911! My life is so much more careful now. I never carry anything really up or down the steps etc.... I toss it down the stairs! I do not have "scares" now but I should write down not in a negative way but what I cannot no longer do. It would be nice to know how things are different for me when I go to the Dr. Good idea. maryb

Great news Bev!!! The not knowing is what drives you nuts! Good luck with the gamma knife I have read a bit about that as I have a brain tumor and it small but next to my brain stem. I have not moved forward with hwo they remove it as I was first told it may never grow and never cause any problems until Dec. when I went for a follow up and he said he could remove it now before it grows. I was stunned as I really had put that tumor on the shelf of things to not worry about. I am glad you have relief & knowledge of knowing what was happening to your brain. maryb:-D

Welcome Barry, And my memory is so bad I had to go back to look to see if your name was "Barry". My memory is not what it use to be and my processing took forever to start working again. I still see a neuroologist and he prescribe me medication that seemed to kick start part of my brain that had shut off. It still works but not as sharp as early on. We all have the same yet different issues, maybe you can take this up with your doctor. I am so much worse when I am tired or have over done it. So many trips I just do not do because of that "what if I get tired when I get there??" Good Luck & welcome, hope you find some useful information and some new friends. maryb

My hearing issues are sometimes I have buzzing and it sounds like people are mumbling, but worse is noise like I cannot hear the movie over the background music. Or I am overwhelmed at work with phones ringing, people talking loud and all the business of the day. I cannot talk on the phone if there is music on or listen to someone speak. I cannot write and listen to somone at the same time. I listen to 5 CD's the other day while home alone cleaning that was a first for me in a very long time to be at home with music on. I also have to tell poeple to "Shhhhhhhhhhhh" often as it sounds as if they are shouting in my ear and that is embarassing.

ah, took some weight off my brain! I was just thinking about that %, so on my days off I never go shopping or want to do anything that will use up my precious energy as I do not bounce back to regain it. Even with firbo I could bounce back and judge how to deal with doing extra but now I have not gotten back there yet. If I painted or did major uard work I would pay for it for a week but now I do not have the enegry first off and there is no bouncing in me! So basically my life is so much different not that I do not realize it can be worse but everything has a price.

I am 65%- 70% most days are the same anymore. I work 35 hours a week and think I would be 80% if I did not have the stress of a full time job. It exhausts, drains, and sucks me dry! Get the picture??? Leaves me little left to enjoy most days. I feel as I am better and doing more but I still think working is taking days off my life as smoking does for a smoker. I feel less fatigue but take more medication.............I always think I am going to take less medication but somehow I end up with more. I am tired but not that awful exhaustion due to some medication I take now although it has less affect on me than in the beginning. I also have other health issues so how much is just all of it or normal aging, the type of job I have at a fast pace noisy veterinary clinic? Also there are things that happen you get use to such as walking and looking where your feet are all the time, accepting you will never paint a ceiling ever again- the thought makes me cringe like I would first off feel comfortable enough to even get on a ladder again and second if I could hold my head back like that ever again now I think I would fall flat on my back. So you make so much adjusting in your recovery and accepting and changing how you do things. It is really hard to compare Pre SAH to this Mary. I have had 16 months of recovery and it right now today feels as if it has taken its toll on me. I am all for those clever inspirational messages but there are days I cannot call it depression but more of a “Ahhhhhhhh shut up I am doing the best I can right now I do not have time or energy to smell the roses!”. My suggestion is to work as little as possible as it takes away from the other things in life you want and could use your energy to enjoy! MaryB

http://www.behindthegray.net/vbulletin/showthread.php?7455-Temperature-Check I am so brillant!!!!!!

Hi Erin, I am sorry you have had such a long tough road to go but it sounds like you are coming along pretty well. I am sure someone will come along an answer your question or give you some ideas. I am working my old job and it feels like I cut days off my life by pushing though it day after day. BUT I lose my health coverage so for now I have no choice_ yes, I live in the USA. LOL I certainly would think I would be better suited to work only 10 -15 hours a week doing either piad work or volunteering. I still struggle with fatigue and a host of other issues that make working more difficult for me. So a limited amount of committment would be heaven in my world. Anyway I enjoys your photos! Good Luck, mary

Bang, is a great way to describe it. Welcome to BTG. Looking forward to hearing from you. Maryb

Congrats! Well done! Happy for you! Continued good health!