DawnS

Thank you all so much for the very kind replies, you have given me a lot to think about and I feel a lot more encouraged than i did earlier today! Michelle, the new girl didn't run to our manager, it's an open office and she overheard. Or so she says, she could be making it up for all i know! I have 2 types of earplugs, some that are ok for having a full conversation and some for sleeping. The first couple of weeks I wore the lighter ones because my GP told me I might get used to the noise levels. The day that I got upset, there was an awful lot of chat going on and I eventually realised that I had some 'sleep' plugs in my bag and I've given up on the lighter plugs ever since. The noise makes me fatigue so quickly! Each day I come in, say morning to everyone and ask how their evening was then I tell them I'm puting the strong earplugs in and to please throw a paperclip at me or something if they need me. It's not like I don't speak at all! My manager says it's not everyone elses responsibility to attract my attention. Carl, I like the idea of a personal office, but I was told right from that start that there was no way that would happen and I didn't expect it really. After all, my manager hasn't got her own office so there's no way she'd let one of her staff have one. Tomorrow is another day and payday is on the horizon!!! Dawn x

Morning! My return to work isn't going as well as I would have hoped. Well to be more clear, I thought it was going well but my manager seems rather negative. We have regular review meetings which I asked for because I don't want to find out a few weks down the line that my employer isn't happy and still wants to terminate my contract for capability which ACAS have told me is still possible. Anyway, do you remember i said I gotten upset when I couldn't learn the new system as well as the new version of Office and my job? Well, my manager keeps raising that occasion and telling me that everyone is on eggshells around me in case i get upset. It was over a week ago, let it go! I ended up saying to her 'that's called having a brain injury, we get more emotional now'. On Friday, we had another review meeting and she told me she isn't happy with me wearing earplugs all the time. I now have ultra-sonic hearing and can't cope with the noise in the office. Apparently one of the new girls had tried to talk to me and I hadn't heard her. I said to my manager, 'surely the priority is for me to learn my job and get my work done' and she said 'well, if you don't want to make friends I can't force you'. What?? I have started writing all this down as I think I might come a cropper sooner or later. She says she's concerned i won't be able to hear my phone ringing when I start doing the phones next week. Well, how do we know that when my phone has NEVER been logged on yet and there has been no reason for me to hear it ringing? It's like she's finding problems before there are any. It's such as shame because I feel I'm being knocked down without any real reason and my confidence is seriously wavering! Sorry for the moan, but I feel the need to share this with people who understand! Dawn x

Hi Bev, I haven't has flashbacks as I can't really remember much at all, certainly not after we got to A&E. I did however, used to get tingling sensations in my arms that would extend from my armpits to my hands. It was really uncomfortable, woule keep me awake at night and was rather disconcerting - I hadn't suffered any limb weakness from the sah and I was concerned that the tingling might mean that limb weakness was on it's way! It didn't matter how I sat on the sofa or lay in bed, I couldn't get the numb tingly feeling to stop (so it seemed that it wasn't circulatory). It sounds strange for something that bothered me so much but I didn't actually notice when it stopped! The weird symptoms sometimes seem like they are never going to end and maybe I've just been very lucky, but they settle down eventually. I hope the same goes for you and wish you all the best! Dawn x

Hi Everyone, many thanks for the warm and encouraging replies! Today was a far, far better day and I even feel quite cheerful As promised, my PC had been changed when I arrived at work today. I was back on Windows XP and Office 2003 and what a difference it has made! I left work tired but not drained. Tomorrow is going to be interesting...I have two colleagues training me in my return to work. One is on holiday and tomorrow the other needs to take his son to the fracture clinic. My manager went home sick this morning and might not be back this week. So although I've been nowhere near the phone or email inbox so far, tomorrow morning I need to deal with the whole lot. Talk about in at the deep end on your 4th week Maybe it will work out better because I'll just have to get on with it and there will be no-one looking over my shoulder. Dawn x

Hiya David, good question! For me, getting angry/upset takes all my spoons away faster than you can say subarachnoid haemorrhage! Insomnia, which is perhaps an obvious one, but just the thought of getting into bed makes me lose energy because I know what a battle I'm about to have on my hands. Of course, thinking this way makes the insomnia worse! Noise. This can suck away all my spoons in an instant. It doesn't even have to be of a high volume, just a particular pitch. As I have learned in the last 3 weeks - work! I knew it would be tiring, but I am shocked at how it really gets in the way of everything. Cinema. I have to take ear plugs with me depending on the type of move, but I think the whole movement/colour/noise thing is too much. Thankfully, my partner has a cinema screen and projector in the flat so these days we tend to wait until the bluray comes out to rent and watch it at home. At least that way there is nobody talking all the way through the movie or eating really loudly and you can go to the loo without missing anything. It's a much better experience and far cheaper too! And, for all the same reasons as cinema - supermarkets! I do the food shopping every week because I refuse to let it beat me. In fact I've done it today but thankfully Andy finished work at the same time as me so we did it together. I just can't think of things to put in the trolley. Once the shopping list is fulfilled, that's my lot! At least when we are both there, it's not my sole responsibility to make sure there's enough food to last the week. Dawn x

I am on week 3 of my phased return and today was the first bad day I've had. Bad, because it ended in tears (mine)! I'm the only person in the office on Windows 7. This means I am having to try to learn a new operating system as well as my job and it all got to be way too much today. Although I use Windows 7 at home, I don't use Excel and didn't realise that everything is now hidden like the print icon and page-break preview. I won't bore you with the details, (mainly because I'm too tired to type it out) but the end result was that they are going to put me back onto Windows XP next week, phew! My manager has said that we will all be moving onto Windows 7 soon and she thought it would be best for me to start off on it rather than change to it later. I can understand the thought process there I suppose. But having to learn 2 things at the same time is just too much for my wee brain. I am disappointed in myself for getting upset, but the frustration was so immense. I had already walked away from my desk to take a moment but as soon as I returned, there was another thing that I couldn't work out how to do. Hopefully next week will be better when I'm back on XP. As a result of the tears, I now feel like I could sleep for a week!

Hiya Carl, this is a difficult one, though very interesting. I am scared that my life will go back to exactly what it was before the sah. I really don't want that at all and now that I've gone back to work, I can see that it's easily possible. So, I am spending a lot of energy and thought on trying to shift my perceptions. I cannot let work grind me down back to the low and unhappy person I was. I must see it as a means to and end and nothing more. My plan is to get back to full time hours and if that goes well, to look for another job. Right now, I cannot picture trying to 'sell myself' in an interview but perhaps this will come in time. A lot of things that were missing are coming back gradually - I have a little more logic and some of my problem solving skills are re-appearing. I have set myself a time limit of 12 months after I go full time (November) in which to be out of my current place unless something changes drastically there of course, like my wages doubling for half the hours

Hiya Mary, I totally get what you are saying about the movement around you thing. What I find really dreadful are the adverts down the sides of many websites. If they are the type that move about, it makes me feel sick and I can't read or focus on what I was looking up.Another thing that really gets me is when I'm watching a film where two people are talking and the camera pans around and around them - that makes me feel ill. I find this really frustrating as it's just not necessary (in my view!). It's not quite dizzyness and not quite nausea. I can't describe it really, is this similar to what you are experiencing? Dawn x

Hiya Jus, I am so with you on this one! One of my colleagues recently said to my partner that she 'wished she could get a year off to sit at home'. Comments like that still get to me although I'm now a year on and I've finally begun to put it down to ignorance on their part rather than nastiness simply because I really shouldn't let my blood pressure go up over people who aren't an important part of my life! I would never wish illness on anyone but I do wish these people could live inside our heads for 10 minutes to get a real taste of how it is for us. Welcome to BTG! Dawn x

Hiya Paula, although I don't have any weakness in my limbs, my arms and legs used to go numb all the time when I first left hospital. It wasn't like pins and needles because when I moved my arms or legs, the circulation didn't come back. This all faded away after about 6 or 7 months. You will hear this a lot, but 13 weeks is very early days! If you are up to it, it might be worth keeping some notes about how you feel and any symptoms you have. That way you will be able to see any progress you make. Some improvements might go unnoticed because of how slight they seem, but there will be improvements on a very regular basis. I attend Headway and find it very helpful. The lack of aftercare does seem to be rather a theme with the NHS, they do an amazing job of patching us up but then they send us on our merry way! As for the depression, have you spoken to your GP about this? S/he should be able to offer extra support for you. Dawn x

Yes, it feels like that to me too! I'll let myself get fully excited about it when I've got in in writing I am the Goods in Administrator for a white goods warehouse. We move Bosch, Neff, Siemens and Gaggenau. I'd never heard of Gaggenau before I started work there, it's this metal industrial looking stuff that's really ugly and well beyond my price range. We once provided a kitchen for Posh and Becks with it, so you can guess the kind of price range. Although I am based in one warehouse, I'm responsible for the Milton Keynes one too. Sounds a bit more high-flying than it really is, it's a very low-level administration job. I did the same role in my last job and I was paid vastly more for it. Unfortunately we were all made redundant. I had never quite gotten used to the large drop in wages, but a year on benefits has sorted that out! MK only have CP products (kettles, toaster, irons) and we have all the white goods, MK have about 4 loads per day and we have about 45. I deal with all the hauliers for both road freight and container freight and it's my responsibility to get the containers off the port before the charges start incurring. Each port has it's own free period and each country sends their containers to different ports. I also deal with all the damage claims. Bored yet? It is a bit boring (repetitive) and very, very sedentary. It's also a very multi-tasking type of role and in a noisy office. I was told yesterday that although there is a quiet office upstairs, I can't have it. There's no surprise there at all, I was fully expecting to be told that. I will try it out and see how I go. I have Andy's full backing so that makes a huge difference. Someone earlier mentioned how nice it is to contribute to the household, but I can't rememeber who it was. I feel like that already because I know that I'm starting back on full pay instead of it being months and months before I get a full wage. It's really something to look forward to and most of my fears about going back have been wiped out by the thought that Andy won't have to work all these 12 days anymore

Wow, I have just had THE most amazing meeting with HR about going back to work! I am in a daze I think, you know that saying about if it's too good to be true...? I spoke to ACAS again on Monday just to be sure of my facts as it's a few weeks since I spoke to them last. They confirmed that I am entitled to my holidays for this year, but added that I should also ask for last year's too. I was prepared for a battle on this year's holidays let alone last year's but I didn't even have to bring it up. HR told me that I have somewhere between 34 and 37 days to take including last year's allowance (at least 10 more than I was aware of). Our holdays now run Jan-Jan and there isn't enough time left to take so many days off, so it has been suggested that as I'm starting a phased return I can take the hours that I'm not working as holiday. At the time, I didn't grasp what was being said but my partner who was in the meeting just looked at me and said 'this is a good idea, do it'. It has finally clicked into place a couple of hours later that this means although I'll only start on 8 hours a week, I will get full pay. It even works out that after the entire phased return, I'll have days left. In addition to all this, where the OH doctor had suggested a 10 week phased return, HR think that this is too rapid and after starting work on the 22nd of this month I will be on full time hours in the second week of November. I've had my own personal black cloud for weeks but now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I should get all this in writing by the end of next week. Oh smiles!!!

Morning Mark, I had coiling last August and I flew in the beginning of July this year. I wasn't told to wait, it was just coincidence on the timing although I think somewhere I have read to wait 6 months...? I also think it depends on the type of flight, long/short haul etc. I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be able to give you a better answer, but also I would check this out with your wife's GP or consultant to be on the safe side. Dawn x

I can see both sides to this - you live for football and want to get back to that, your friends/family see it as the cause of your current situation (which it is) and is therefore the root of all evil. We all know someone who has cancer but won't stop smoking, yet this seems to be just basic logic to those of us who aren't addicted. You say that it's 'just practise'. That's great, but how long before you are itching to play properly again? Is what you are currently doing going to satisfy your urge to play or is it going to leave you begging for more? It's your health and ultimately your decision, let us know what your neurologist says. Dawn x

I watched this for the second time yesterday as Andy had not seen it until then. I have to say that the second viewing was much better. Perhaps because I had no expectations of hearing about sah and recovery this time, the content was actually very good. If you still have it, I'd really recommend a second look!

Hi Bev and welcome to BTG since my sah, I've had super-sonic hearing. The whooshing sounds have gone now but it took a while though I'm not sure when I realised they'd gone, it's been almost one year for me since the sah. I've always had floaters anyway, they don't seem any different now. If you are concerned at all about the symptoms you're having, go to your GP and discuss it with them. They might not have all the answers but might be able to put your mind at rest. The spaced-out feeling does get better, though I find it returns if I've pushed myself too far. Dawn x

Nope, not peeling skin, but spots...? Oh yes, millions of them and I've had to go on antibiotics permanently because they just wouldn't clear up. Sorry, not relevant I know!

Hello again Heather, at the top of the web page on the right hand side, there is a search box. Type in a keyword or two and that will bring up threads that contain the words you are looking for. It took me a while to get used to it as this was the first forum I'd ever used. I still have no idea how to add a photo or a link and it's been months! Dawn x

Hi Heather! Welcome to BTG, this is a brilliant website and I don't know what I'd have done without it! Although my partner is not a member here, he used this site while I was still in hospital to learn as much as he could about sah and what our life might be like afterwards. I agree with Gill that your partner has returned to work remarkably quickly. I am about to go back to work in a few weeks time and it's been just over 11 months since my sah. I haven't felt ready for work until now and even now I am not sure because of the fatigue I experience on a daily basis. The problem with brain-fatigue is that it cannot be pushed past. You have to give in to it and it's not like physical fatigue at all. My memory is still rubbish, but I can remember so much more than I used to. I use a diary at all times and I keep it in the same place or I wouldn't be able to remember where it is! There are a few threads on here that discuss coping mechanisms so it might be worth searching for these, like using a timer to remind yourself that you are cooking. It's hard to describe the memory loss. People keep saying to me that they have dreadful memories too and while I appreciate that it's most likely true, I imagine that they do know if they have eaten today or not or if they have an appointment later or whether or not they have taken pain killers today. These are all things that I have to write down, especially the pain killers so that I don't overdose! It's fabulous that you want to learn about sah and for that you have come to exactly the right place! Dawn x

As well as losing words, I get 'stuck' trying to get things out of my mouth. I have a stammer now since sah and it's especially bad with words beginning with 'm, l, r, o or w'. Yesterday I was trying to talk to Andy about how much m..m..m...cash I should draw out today I've learned to find another word meaning the same thing but starting with a different letter. Of course, in the very early days, my brain couldn't come up with another word, especially if it was having a brain fart moment but I see it as a good sign of my progress that I can quickly swap 'money' for 'cash'!

Hiya Vicki, Like Donna, I tend to get headaches when I've overdone things. From this site, I learned that drinking a couple of litres a day made a huge difference. A few weeks back, I discovered that I have diabetes insipidus which means my kidneys do not hold water (it's nothing to do with sugar intake). I was going to the loo literally every half hour or so and it was driving me nuts. I decided that I would cut the fluid intake and only drank when I felt slightly thirsty. It certainly helped the toilet issue, but the headaches were back within 2 days. I've decided that going to the loo at lot is better than not being able to think clearly or see straight! Dawn x

Hiya Donna, for peace of mind, I would ask for that referal. You are not 'wasting' anyone's time, it's their job and what they are paid to do. I don't really have many of the symptoms you describe though I do get dizzy from time to time and a fuzzy head. When I'm tired, I can trip over flat ground which is a bit embarassing! Dawn x

Hiya Vicki, I have certainly learned who my friends are. It's a very disappointing thing to discover, but then again, who needs to have people who don't really care about you in your life cluttering it up! And, on a positive note, I have discovered friends I didn't know I had who have been very supportive. Regarding your friend who is angry at you, perhaps she is having a bereavement reaction to the changes in you. She may feel she has 'lost' you as a friend. That doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you at all, but might explain it a little. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly in your new job Dawn x

Hiya Ron, that is fantastic news!!! I'll bet you are over the moon! Enjoy Dawn x

I was at home in the garden with Andy. We were digging a hole to bury one of my girls in (pet, not child!) who we were about to have put to sleep. We have them all in a long row under the hedge. There was an elderflower root in the way, I bent down and tugged it then 'pop' in my head followed by an incredibly loud roaring noise like a chainsaw had been started next to my ear. I fainted and when I regained consciousness a few seconds later everything was bleached out brilliant white like the scene out of Terminator when the A-bomb goes off. I could see that Andy was speaking to me but couldn't hear him. Thanks to my poor mum's death we realised immediately what was happening, the real challenge was getting the A&E staff to take us seriously. It was nearly 5 hours before they gave me a CT and Andy says when they eventually scanned me they soon changed their tune! I was induced into a coma and taken to Oxford Radcliffe in an ambulance. I'm very grateful I was at home with Andy, the really sad thing is that Mole wasn't put to sleep until the next day when my friend did it for us and my poor baby suffered fior another day.