DawnS

I definitely have issues with multi-tasking and memory although I have to say both have improved massively with time, it's 16 months since I had sah. Because there are so many factors involved in sah, there is a wide scope for how we have been affected and the kind of recovery we each have. I used to write everything down, it was essential. But I have noticed in the last few weeks that I no longer live from my diary. I still have to write down the time if I take any pain medication as well as what I've taken because as soon as I swallow it, it's forgotten and it would be very easy for me to overdose. Like Mary, I too struggle with noise and as a result live most of my days and nights with earplugs firmly rooted in my ears. The improvement in my memory is nothing short of astonishing, I literally couldn't remember anything from 2 minutes ago for many months after sah. Things really do get better! I wish you all the best. Dawn x

That's a very good point Michelle, I had not spotted that. I'd like to add that I never have more than two drinks in a single ' session' and never more than once in a week. As with all things, the longer you go without, the less you miss it. And also, the worse you feel for indulging too. I used to drink quite regularly pre- sah and given how much I now notice the mental deficit the next day, I wonder why I liked it so much.

Hi Win, well thank goodness it's something to smile about! Glad all is well, you can relax and enjoy Christmas now xxx

I have a little drink every now and then, but not like I used to. I stay completely away from wine, I can't touch even a drop. I am fine with a shandy, cider and bailey's (oh yes, I've been experimenting!) but not wine. If I've had wine, the following day it feels like the connection between my brain and hands has been cut and that's just not worth it to me. Once, I lost all memory of the night before for the sake of a couple of glasses of wine and that was way too much like how I was when in ICU and who wants to do that to themselves? Not me! Alcohol doesn't affect me much at the time of drinking really, but when I do drink I can really feel the difference the next day. I'll be more tired and lethargic. Things are much harder to do, like the early days really! Dawn x

Hi Win, get to the docs and put your mind at rest, that way you won't be fretting all over Christmas. Please let us all know what they tell you? Dawn x

Good morning Lynne, it' s lovely to have an update from you, though I'm sorry to hear you are in pain. ' limpy'? Nothing too imaginative there then! It sounds like you are very blessed in regards to your supportive family! I wish you all the best for the coming year (and those after it!). Merry Christmas! Dawn x

Hi Scoobs, well done on getting your first year out of the way. It's been a long hard slog, but you've made it. You have beaten every barrier that has been flung up in you way and come through the other side! I didn't know how to feel about my first anni either, i felt quite emotionless if I was honest and i wasn't sure that was how I should feel. How should you feel a year after your brain tried to kill you? I'd bought myself some fruit shoots and cornetto enigma. Sound weird I know, but that was all I would eat and drink in the first few weeks of getting home because they'd fed me on egg salad the whole time I was in Oxford. How many must I have eaten in order to remember that detail? Enough to lose 16lbs in 18 days, that's how many. No wonder I only fancied ice cream when I got out of there! In the evening, Andy took me out for a curry as sah has given me the power to eat spicy food (I'd never passed beyond a Korma before). Beyond that, it was an ordinary day. I hope that your first anni-versary is a pleasant day whatever you decide to do. And here's to the next 12 months!

Congratulations Kel! What a lovely post. It's really good to hear positive stories from people who are ahead in terms of recovery and time served. Dawn x

Hi Kris, first of all - Congratulations! For your husband to gain employment must be lifting a huge stress (moving aside). I can imagine that it is all rather overwhelming and I am wondering if breaking the whole thing down will help. Tackle this by making it small chunks, like a room at a time or a set of drawers at a time rather than thinking of the entire HOUSE. Do you find making lists help? Lists are my friends because then I don't have to try to keep stuff in my head and it helps the anxiety to subside. Perhaps you could list the things that need emptying in each room and tick them off when they are done. Similar to decorating, don't start on another room until one is fully completed. I will add that I have not moved house since sah and so all of these are just thoughts and not from experience. If you need to lay down after a short amount of time packing, do so. I know we are all different and i don't know how it is for you, but when my brain has frozen up, often just a 5 minute lay down will let it all come back online and I'm good to go again for a short while. Let your brain guide the process and you will get there eventually. Let us all know how you get on Best of luck, Dawn x

Hi Vanessa, good luck for your return to work! Although my own return hasn't been a shining example, there have been lots of positives to it - my short term memory has improved a lot, I am now able to do basic maths (completely lost in the bleed) and my logic and reasoning is coming back. I wish you all the best, enjoy! Dawn x

Like Win says, it's up one day and down the next. All of us have fell into the trap of thinking we are 'fixed' when we've had a good day, especially if there are a couple of them in a row. It makes the bad days harder to bear, but this all comes with time and experience. You will have good days again!

I used to think I suffered from fatigue, but then I went back to work and now I know I suffer from fatigue. I also still get headaches but again, this is something that has increased with working and can be managed ok with paracetamol. I still suffer with sleep problems, my bed is my nemesis! I am not very emotional any more, I used to cry every time I found something that I could no longer do, which was often! I don't know if I'm less weepy now or if I've come across most things already and have stopped finding new things that I've lost the ability to do! The spaced out foggy feeling has lessened from virtually constant to only special occasions like using the supermarket, family dinners and things that have a lot of action/motion/noise. I still have very sensitive hearing and carry earplugs everywhere. I think Carl mentioned tv earlier, I have this problem too and I know when I'm very tired as I just can't stand to listen to the tv for any length of time. I can watch tv with my earplugs in and this lets me hear the talking but cuts out some of the music which for some reason these days seems to be very loud! On the whole things are much, much better. I think I must be coming to a stage of acceptance as i actually prefer the person I am now. The changes are not all negative, I am calmer, nicer, more sympathetic to others. I can eat spicy food (you have no idea how happy this makes me!), I have lost my fear of spiders and dentists and I am less serious these days, I am more likely to laugh at myself than before. While I am not glad that I've had the bleed and all the stuff that comes with it, I think I have a nicer life now and my priorities are more how I would like them to be.

Morning All, I have a question for those of you who returned to the same role that you were employed in before sah... How did you manage the expectations of both yourself and those around you? Had I known how this would pan out, I'd have asked for an alternative role from the beginning. I think the fact that I did this job for 3 years before sah turned out to be a negative thing in my return to work. I was sure that my long term memory had not been particularly affected by the bleed but when I sat down at my desk, in my brain there was nothing. I expected it to come flooding back after a little re-training and it never has. Now and then, I'll automatically do something in the system without even thinking then get all pleased with myself - look what I've remembered, here it all comes! And then...nothing. I used to be the kind of person who you could ask me a question and if I didn't know the answer there and then, I'd find out and get back to you no matter how long that took. Now, you'll be lucky if I remember that we've spoken let alone what about! It's been hard to get others to understand that I am not that person anymore. I just wondered how you have all coped with this? Thankfully, after tomorrow this won't really matter anymore as I start my new, less responsible role on Monday where I will be one of four new starters and we all get a month's training. All expectations will be lower, including my own I hope!

I was much more emotional to begin with, but that seems to have settled more these days, it's been 15 months since my sah. For me it was all sorts of emotions, I found all kinds of things hilarious almost to the point of being inappropriate. I was very angry and frustrated and weepy. It took a long time to settle down. I miss finding everything funny, but I don't miss the anger.

I have been offered a full time role in the call center. My start date is the 3rd of December after all (my manager was correct then!). We still have to finalise things like the hours of work etc, but basically as I am now on holiday until Tuesday of next week, I only have four more working days in the current position! I feel so hopeful. Excited? Much!

Kris, I'm so glad you have mentioned this. I seem to be so easily led now. I still have difficulty in making decisions and have developed a habit of asking everyone who will listen what they think. This doesn't help at all as I end up taking their opinions on board and forgetting what my own actually was to begin with!

Mary, I too remember you mentioning problems with sunlight. I think this was around the same time that we had weeks and weeks of solid rain here in east anglia, which started on the day the hose pipe ban came in. I remember you asking how sunlight affected others and I remember thinking (selfishly!) that I'd like the chance to find out. I have not taken naps for a very long time because of the insomnia I suffer. I could have an hour during the day and be stuck awake until 5 in the morning but would then only get about 4 hours sleep. It just wasn't worth it to me. I am lucky in that Andy works alterating shifts. This week he is on lates and so I have complete silence when I get home. I think this makes a huge difference to how I feel and how I get over my day. I do tend to push myself a lot physically, which is fine for things like housework and gardening but I have learned that I cannot do certain things like visit too many people in one week. It must be something to do with conversation. After work, I still get my housework done, but I do it in stages. As an example, when doing the bathroom (which is the smallest room in the flat) I'll clean the radiator, toilet and mirror, then sit and read a few pages of a book. Then I'll go back and clean the window, window sill and sink before sitting down again. I'll polish half the tiles and so on until I've done the whole lot. In this way, I get everything done but don't feel like I'll drop down dead by the end. My headaches have increased dramatically since returning to work, but they are easily controlled by ibuprofen or paracetamol. Unhappily, I have noticed that chocolate seems to be causing headaches. I am ignoring that for now and am hoping it's a minor glitch

Where I work, there is another office which is actually a call-centre. I thought that a call centre job would be a bad idea because of the issues I now have with my super-sonic hearing, so HR sent me up there last week to have a look around. I was surprised to find that it is actually better because there is a general 'hum' of voices and I couldn't actually pick individual conversations out. Today I visited again and spent almost 3 hours connected to a colleague's headset so that I could listen in to what the calls are really like. I was supposed to be there for an hour, but I stayed for three. Who can decide if they like a job in one hour?? The time flew by and I quite enjoyed it. The calls seem fairly straight forward - customer has an appliance which has broken down, take information about appliance and problem, check customers details, book an engineer, take another call. There is no multi-tasking involved, at least not like there is in my current role. There are targets to meet - 9.5 calls per hour and apart from that, no-one looks over your shoulder. As it would be a redeployment, there is no interview process. I asked my manager what happens now. She told me that she has no idea where we go from here but that I'll start my training on the 3/12. That doesn't sound to me like someone who has no idea! My only concern is that because I was not able to complete my phased return, I will jump from 4 hours per day straight to 8 with no graduation. My friend has suggested to me that if I have a role I am new to (rather than my current role that I did for 3 years before sah) than it will lower everyone's expectations, including my own, which is a very valid point. Perhaps I will manage 8 hours of a less responsible role that does not involve lots of multi-tasking. I am very excited to think that a solution is potentially imminent!

Like Sally, I struggle with night driving. To me, it looks like everyone has their full beam on. I get confused by reflective road signs. I have adopted an avoidance response to this and generally try not to go out and about at night. The other thing I have noticed is that I have lost my night vision. I used to be able to see very well in the dark and could read easily in very low light. That has all gone now. One night, I got up to go to the loo and ended up in entirely the wrong side of the room trying to get through the mirror instead of the door. I did feel very silly, even though I was alone. Sunlight isn't so bad now as it was in the first few months, it used to make me physically sick but not any more. That might be because we never actually get any of course!

Has anyone else noticed a complete lack of assertiveness since sah? I absolutely cannot assert myself any more. I wonder if it's related to the inability to make decisions, as in order to be assertive you need to know what it is that you want. I was wondering if it's just me or if it's a general sah thing? Dawn x

Hi Vanessa, you are not whinging! It's quite difficult when people 'forget' about you and you are not alone in this! I have a friend who visited me just the once when I got out of hospital and I have not seen her at all for 11 months. The other day, she sent me a message to tell me she her dog had died. In a way that's very nice, I used to lodge with her and so it felt a bit like he was also my dog, but I did think some negative thoughts about the absent time. On the flip side of this, I have a friend who was amazing while I was ill but now seems to think that she should have a strong say in all my decisions. It can be quite disabling at times because she is very persuasive and since my sah, I am very easily led. Perhaps people are trying to give you some space to come to terms with things? Maybe they are waiting for you to ask for help/company rather than wade on in and take over. Dawn x

I had terrible chest pains after I got out of hospital. It really worried me as I thought I was exchanging brain problems for heart problems. It would fill my chest and my back and go down my arms. This is going to sound strange, but bear with me...I discovered quite by accident that it was trapped wind. I had started drinking 2 litres of water per day when I got home and to be sure how much I was drinking, I bought a 2 litre bottle and drank from it. One day, being sick of plain old water I made myself a pint of ribena, in a pint glass. I enjoyed it so much, I drank ribena for the rest of my fluid intake for that day, all from pint glasses. The next day, no chest pains and my arms were fine. I haven't drank from a bottle since! I'm not saying that this is the answer, but it's worth considering. Dawn x

My goodness, how awful for the family. It makes me feel very grateful for my survival, thanks for posting this link Karen

I've always had dark circles under my eyes, but I have noticed since sah that i often wake up with puffy swollen black bags which are also quite red/purple and it takes quite a while before I stop looking like I've been crying or punched! I find when I try to cover them up, the concealer just sits in my wrinkles and really doesn't look better

I had whooping cough when I was 18 years old. I coughed so badly I burst a blood vessel in my eye. I am told that I was most likely born with my aneurysm so it wasn't the whooping cough that started that off.