Confused on what the future of my relationship is

[Guest dragonfly7]

So a little about my experience (the short story version), my boyfriend (of 1.5yrs) had an aneurysm rupture in Nov 2008 (his rupture occurred after sex), they coiled his aneurysm, then he had a blood clot form and they had to do a craniotomy to relieve the pressure in his brain. They put him into a medicinal coma for a week and he had a shunt put in. He was in the ICU for 5 weeks and has been in acute rehab hospital since. However he has had various trips back to the hospital due to infections, one in the shunt, so they had to remove that and put a new one in again. He is slowly beginning to recover physically, just started walking more, seems to be getting a little of his short term memory back, however some days are better than others. He occasionally talks but not much, and when he talks it's in a whisper. He seems to have all of his long term memory. I have been with him from day one and I just don't know where to go from here.

I’m not really sure what I want to get from posting but felt that individuals here would understand and maybe have some advice for us. The doctors still haven't told us what to expect with his cognitive function but do think he'll make full physical recovery. He is in the process of being moved to a skilled nursing home/brain injury rehab (that is going to be 1.5 hrs away) in the next couple of weeks for either a short term or long term stay. Even if he were able to live independently again, could we recover from this and have a good relationship again? I miss him so much and it really stinks to see him like this. He is/was such an outgoing person, very intelligent, and fun to be around and he is only 28 years old. How long do I continue this journey with him? What things can I be doing for him at this point? I of course would love to support him and be with him for the foreseeable future but is this what I should be doing?

On a seperate note he seems to lack initiation; does anyone have advice on what we could be doing for him to help with that?

Thank you for listening, I don’t mean to whine, it’s just been a crazy roll coaster ride for the past 5 months and I want to be sure to get all the information I can.

[kim0811]

Hi

You're not whining. Please never apologise for how you feel. Everyone needs to let off steam and share experiences and we can all draw strength from this site.

I had my SAH in Oct 2004, it took me 18 months in total to get back to work and 'be myself'. I never thought it would happen, I'm still not sure it has totally.

I was on my own when my SAH happened and my husband found me over 4 hours later, unconscious in the bathroom. I still have no memory of what happened that day. I had speech and physio therapy to help me in recovery and even now I still have moments of tiredness and confusion.

For you, it's still early days and both of you will need support. Give him time.

Stay strong.

Kim

[perrycornish]

Hello 'dragonfly' poor you what a dreadful dilemma You love him and I assume he too loves you, even if he cannot tell you at the moment, never lose sight of that. What Kim says is 100% on the ball and it is just time that will heal, in your moments of being down in thew dumps, which I'm sure are many think about your love for him and how about checking out first of all for yourself what it is you miss, why you love him etc etc, then later you will be able to share it! I was out for the count for some time and unable to talk, but my partner watched me very closely and said she knew I was not only there but listening and understanding when she showed me a published article she had written and I smiled and held it to my chest. So watch, watch carefully, keep on loving and keep sharing your fears, that my love is really important. We are here for each other

I'm back again, I have just been telling my partner, who is a member, about your situation and she has this advice. 'Keep him in the loop, share with him the things you would normally share, show him things you have bought or have good memories for you both, I'm sure you get the gist.' It's not easy but you know what they say about 'love'.....it conquers all

[jess]

Hi Dragonfly stay strong talk to him about the things you are doing be there when he wants to talk. Jess.xxx

PS welcome to BTG

[Guest ElaineW]

Hi and sorry to read of your plight.My mum had her SAH almost a year ago and I have to say it has changed her personality (but oddly for the better). Whilst mum was in hospital I jibbered away about day to day things (often repeating stories I am sure) but I think too it is very important to keep him up wih the news and day to day goings on. (even though some days it may seem as though nothing is being taken in). Memory is one of the biggest things affected - short term I believe and this is now my mum's biggest downfall. Again time is the biggest healer and I still find that no two days are the same. Concentration is also affected too, mum often lacks motivation and obviously the fatigue plays a large part here. Everyone's journey is different, I feel I have to be very patient now (and sometimes this is hard). Give words of encouragement and write a list of things he can still do rather than focussing on maybe the things he can't - it's surprising how long the list willl be. I try to have a happy thought at the end of each day (even if its been a naff one) and there is always one to find. Keeping a diary of progress is also a good idea.

Elaine

[paul99]

hi dragonfly

im sorry to read your post you are now in the same situation as myself but lin is some 9 months down the line the fact that he is in rehab is a good thing despite the problems he's had once he starts walking the good bits should follow on fairly speedly in his own time the talking will improve its proberly down to when he had a tube in his throat to help him breath during the op that will come back in time with help from speech therpy which he will have whislt in rehab this has been a nightmare for you in itself and beleive me that is the hardest thing to come to terms with lins happened during sex so i know where your coming from when lin was admitted i was given a book to start a diary which i have put all sorts in not only what was happening to lin but what we had before all my thoughts and wish's im still keeping this up to date it sits by lins bed and anyone who goes in to see her can put what they want into it

reading your post you love him so much and taking one day at a time there maybe a good possibley of liveing independly with you beside him only you can make that choice

you are not whining believe me you are still like me in many respects lost not knowing whats going to happen or what you can do to help the answer is already there you are still with him you love him talk to him recount the good times you had and what you have to look forwards to dragonfly i will pm you try and stay upbeat if i can help i will take care

[Guest dragonfly7]

Thank you everyone for your post, it is so greatly appreciated. I needed some encouragement, was starting to get a little down and this has help me. I have been reading a couple of books and looking at so many different websites, but it really just helps to get information from individuals that are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. It seems like 6 months is so long but in the end it’s really not when it comes to the type of injury he has suffered, and sometimes it helps to be reminded of that fact. These past months have all been a blur for everyone involved.

It has been harder recently since I have had friends and family asking me what I am going to do, and what I see happening in the future, it is hard for them to understand fully what has happened. They don't see him everyday like I do or really fully understand the extent of his injuries from the aneurysm and hemorrhaging. I like the thought of putting together all of the things he can now do. He is walking so much better, his writing is starting to be legible again, he has a healthy appetite, he has the greatest smile and charms all the nurses, and he occasionally has the funniest one-liners that shock you. Thank you for this bit of advice ElaineW. And thank you for sharing your information with me perrycornish, kim08, and Paul.

[Karen]

Hi Dragonfly,

Relationships can sometimes be stretched and they can also be strengthened after this type of event .... I'm not sure how old you are, but you also have yourself to consider in the equation ... and what you want and if you're able to adapt to the situation that you're now faced with.

6 months is still pretty early days and it can seem like a long haul ...... recovery for many of us, still happens after many years .... I'm nearly 4 years post SAH and I've experienced constant recovery throughout that time.

Age also seems to play a part and your partner is only a spring chicken at 28, so hopefully, his recovery will be better than some of us oldies on here! Attitude also makes a big difference and how we perceive things, after this type of event and our mental health plays a big part with recovery. My kids and family, were the biggest motivation for me and that still remains, especially if I'm having a bit of a bad day.

Anything that you want to ask, then please do .....

Wishing you the very best of luck. xx

[AndyH]

Hi there,

Heather, my wife, had her SAH 4 years ago. ince then things have been, erm, interesting!

At first things were tough. Then they got tougher. Now though things are coming together. Its a slow process and it takes time and patience.

Healing comes in stages, at first the healing comes thick and fast, then it slows down and becames a more gradual process. Heather has gone from having a 2 second memory to having one that functions well with prompting. She still struggles with initiation and needs support in doing some tasks.

As for how long you continue this jouney and is this what you should be doing. That will always be up to you.

The best things you can do right now for him is to gently guide him.

Its a long road but for me every painful hard step has been worth it. Heather and I are still going strong and we are slowly coming to terms with the full extent of what has happened to us. We are both still very much in love and, at long last, the time when we were defined by SAH is passing.

Take care

Andy