Carolynusa
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Everything posted by Carolynusa
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Sara! It's been so nice to read your positive remarks and see that you are learning and understanding what this thing called an sah is about. I am the kind of person that has to understand absolutely everything about something and I cannot really touch this SAH I had. It's so odd. Part of the reason is that I was in a coma for 4 weeks and don't remember any of that. (mine was 6/3/2014) Another part is that I feel I am a different person but mostly don't understand how. Sometimes (like this morning...lol) I wonder what was the point of me coming back but I had a kind of epiphany today. I really do love people and I think there are things I can offer them - even if it just a smile now and then. My epiphany also made me realize that if I can gift even one person even one second of happiness then it is worth it to be here. We all need that. Not to mention our families! Luckily I found this site and kept seeing posts where this silly woman in overalls was telling people to sing and asking them to join the choir. I smiled each and every time I saw a post from her. Then there is Keith who is SO busy and such a great conveyor of what is happening in his kitchen and his life that I have to read his posts to my husband also. There's Daffs, Tina, Super Mario, Gill, Karen, Macca, Teechur....I could go on and on. My point is that these people have been through what you and I so recently did. They are here today trying to help others and making others smile even when our heads make us not want to. Life is good Sara. Stay happy. Love love love that you are into art. Skiing scares me though. lol. Come back here and share as often as you feel like it. Most of all heal and be happy. Much love to you - and all the btg'ers Carolynusa -
Sara! Hello! I am glad you found this site although, like kempse, not for the reasons you have. My sah in June this year also and discovered this site in August, I think. I've learned so much from these people and soothed so many of my fears from them too. Along the way I feel I have made friends here too. Wishing you a much better 2015 and hope that you come back and let us know how you are. If you want to just chat the Green Room is a great place. Win will want you to be in her singing group but don't worry about that! lol Take careful care of yourself. Carolynusa
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Depression after SAH?
Carolynusa replied to Ponigirl's topic in Non-Aneurysm SAH or Perimesencephalic SAH
Ponigirl! Your body has given you a hard time, hasn't it? I've battled depression my whole life - for real. Off and on I go to the doctor and get anti-depressants for a while. I've noticed on this site that there are people who are taking anti-depressants with decent results. Why don't you look for that thread and see what they say? Have you talked to a doctor about the way you feel? Take the symptoms seriously and see if a doctor can help you. I consider depression a medical condition. Since my SAH I could sink down into the depths of that depression at any time. I fight it. I, too lost my job and my income was very necessary for survival for my family. We aren't doing well at all in that regard. The government is taking forever to decide if I am disabled. Quick summary: I had a sah, lost my job, younger son totalled my car so we have none, we live day to day trying to decide if we can buy food, my husband very depressed every day, my bipolar son is losing it, etc. etc. etc. Throw Christmas into that mix and I'm looking for a stagecoach out of town. Geez. So....I so get you sweetie pie. Try to think of this time as a medical result of your sah. Your brain still trying to heal. It too shall pass. Please see a doctor if you are not feeling better. In the meantime stop in here! Visit the Green Room. These people - including myself - care very much. I've never seen anything like it. Please stay with us. We care so much about you. I don't want you depressed another minute. Try music if you can handle it - but not sad stuff. Go outside and smell the air. I think maybe you like animals. Try some nature specials on tv - not the depressing ones. Try and feel the love in whatever you are doing. Take care! Much love, Carolynusa -
Thanks you guys for the info! It sure beat trying to scan tons of material to get an answer. I knew about hydration but no more than that. I try to drink more water but it's hard for me. I will try harder thanks to our scientist, Daffs...except I wouldn't have a clue about a hangover! lol...seriously though. Be well all and don't overdo yourselves for the holiday. Love, Carolyn
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Good morning! I've wondered about the water thing too. Nobody told me to drink it but I see it here all the time. While in the hospital they kept a full cup of glass water on my table at all times and rushed to refill when it got low but never mentioned why. Like you, Poni, I'm not hot on drinking tons of water all day long. I'm a coffee girl, though. Hope that counts. Win, I will laugh all day thinking about your brain looking like a pickled walnut. Thanks for bringing this question up Poni! Have a good day all. Carolynusa
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Nat! Welcome! You will be so glad you found this site. I started by searching for some of the seemingly "off-the-wall" symptoms I was experiencing after by SAH in July and I found so much comfort here. Everything that was worrying me was experienced by somebody on this site. I was coiled but had 2 additional aneurysms that had to be "clipped" so they wouldn't rupture. I also had a shunt installed to drain any excess fluids in my brain. It's been a road...I won't lie to you. But...coming here has been a saving grace. You will meet wonderful people that really do understand what you are going through and you can easily discuss your worries. Listen to your body and your head. If you feel you need to rest, do it. Remember your brain experienced a kind of "direct assault" so it will take quite a while to heal. You will have to be honest with others when you need rest or a little more quiet or a little less bright lights. My husband and older son were with me every step of the way. My husband sat beside my bed in the hospital for 6 1/2 weeks - every day, and I still often feel that no one understands me. I know they really can't so that is when I come here and read stories or chat in the Green Room. The Green Room might be fun for you as it is more light-hearted and people go there each day just to chat. Take excellent care of yourself. Don't push yourself too much. All in good time. Hope to see you on here again. Carolynusa - Oh!!!! Happy Holidays! Relax and enjoy the good feelings from them.
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Thanks those who asked about my poor toe. :'( It's much better! Lot of bruising and lot of whining and drama from me but it will pass. Teechur and Macca - you both freaked me out at your stories of ending up somewhere without knowing how or where. Glad you both were able to deal with it and come home to tell us about it. Teechur - no...no doggies. 3 catties though. And they try to trip me on my stairs. lol. Good luck with race! Happy week all of you. Carolyn
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Plus!!!... I am an old San Francisco hippie and am always looking for peace...hahaha. Be here now. Carolyn
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So....along comes June 3 and my life forever changed. A coil, two clips, shunt, etc etc etc. I woke up in the hospital feeling very stupid but naive enough to assume I would be back on track in a few weeks. 6 months later I know for a fact I couldn't possibly work and I will most likely never meet that other Carolyn again. Several weeks after I came home I was full of questions and fear so came to the internet hoping to find answers and maybe a support system of some sort. I too was sent home without a lot of explanation of what to expect not just for the next few months but for the rest of my life. My family doesn't quite "get it" either. I felt very very alone. I found you guys. I read some of your stories and followed some of the topics to see how you were doing - some times not so great - either physically or emotionally. My heart breaks every single time I read a "newbie" post or a post from a vet that describes some very sad experiences or feelings. Seriously. Life is up and down for sure. Lately I feel good for an hour or so and then my head might start to hurt or my emotions get the best of me and I feel that I can't get much lower than that. I may not comment but I will read a few posts here and always find something pertinent that helps me move past the bad times and onto the next thing. I have always responded best to humor and/or positive thinking. Studied both for a while. i.e. sent a post to julian and mentioned Norman Vincent Peale. For those of you who don't know he was one of the greatest instructors of positive thinking - ever. I find that I would rather buy into that than negativity. My husband is kind of a "negative nancy" or "debbie downer" type guy. But I first dated him because he was one of the funniest people I had ever met. He can still be that but life overtakes him sometimes. Don't get me wrong - I have severe bouts of depression and rage. I'm not sure any of us can get through day to day without some of that. So...when I discovered this site and saw these posts written by a woman who went through so much and is shown as a Mrs. Overalls (had no clue who she was) and she was talking about singing etc. I was hooked. Sometimes I don't feel like singing and might crinkle my eyebrows when I read the post suggesting I do but mostly it encourages me to get up, grab a cd, and start singing like I used to. Unfortunately the sound drives me crazy. lol. Anyhoo - sorry this is so long. I love you all and wouldn't feel it was normal if we didn't unload sometimes. Take care and don't work too hard and stress yourself out. p.s. guess what I did yesterday. Wobbled around in the kitchen, lost control, fell onto the floor breaking my big toe and cracking my head on my microwave cart. How dumb was that? I'm fine. Take care!
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Hello Jules! So sorry we had to meet you here but SO glad you found the site. I had sah, coiling, 2 clipped, etc. in June this year. In hospital for 7 weeks. When I came home I couldn't figure out what in the world was happening with me - especially in my head. Scared me to death. I found this site, used key words for my symptoms, and found every one of them here. I also met some very nice people here and am grateful for that. Sounds like you were very "lucky" in getting treated in time and at the right place. Sometimes we are graced with that kind of luck in moments of trauma. Day to day life doesn't always seem that way. You'll feel a lot of different things. Don't let them scare you. Visit here first. You'll be amazed at what these wonderful people have been through. When people ask me how I am doing I sometimes feel like just laying it all out there and it isn't very pretty. At the end I always get to say "check out BTG and you'll see I'm not the only one - and they are here to tell us about it. There is hope. There is a future." Please take good care of yourself. Go slow with the things you think might be tough for you. You sound like a strong person. Use that strength to "soldier through". Glad to meet you Jules. Keep us posted and take one day at a time. (I know I sound like Norman Vincent Peale or something. Can't help it. It was a right brain injury. hahahaha) Carolyn
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Poppy - I love this. Pretty much sums it up doesn't it? Hope you're dealing with it well and wish you only the best. Carolynusa
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sleepyhead! So sorry about sleep! I know exactly what you mean. I'm 5 months out and have gotten a little better about sleeping through night but struggled the rest of the time. Everybody's different but have faith that it will get better for you. You are constantly healing and changing physically. Keep us posted and stay positive. Carolyn usa
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To feel guilty or not to feel guilty
Carolynusa replied to iola's topic in Non-Aneurysm SAH or Perimesencephalic SAH
You sound so much better Iola! I have known you were a Wonder Woman since I read your first post. Best to you! -
Update Re Annie and a request for feedback
Carolynusa replied to Dune2014's topic in Subarachnoid Haemorrhage Discussion
Chris - Best wishes to you both! I learned a lot with this discussion as I didn't even realize there were multiple settings to a shunt - and I have one! Win...all I can say to you is ...thank God you got the shunt and woke up to make us all happy! -
oh my goodness Colleen! What a beautifully written story! It was so like my experience of June this year that I was moved beyond belief. I wish the best of everything for you and your family. Here's to many many more Saturday breakfasts. Bless you and love you Carolynusa
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hello Phil! I'm SO sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I know how you feel that you are scared and so confused about what's happening to you. I had a sah with coil and 2 clips not even 5 months ago. After 61/2 weeks in hospital I came home only to find I didn't understand what was happening to me at all. This site helped me tremendously. I learned that others had gone through same things and worse. Sometimes I admit that I feel that my family just doesn't get it. They might act like I'm crazy or invalid and it makes me mad. I tell them I had trauma but I am not stupid...or invalid. They have been wonderful. I think maybe your family just doesn't understand what is happening to you. As this all plays out I feel it will be much better. Take one step at a time and keep in touch here. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you feel better each day. Love to you and your family, Carolynusa
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I don't feel depressed but...
Carolynusa replied to Daffodil's topic in Subarachnoid Haemorrhage Discussion
Hi Victoria - I hope you are feeling continually better each day. It's important to remember that it takes 3 to 4 weeks for anti-depressants to get "settled" in your system and for you to know how you will end up feeling on them. You'll want to pay close attention to your moods, etc. Keep your doctor posted regularly and don't be afraid to make changes either to drug or amount of drug as it is very common. I'm not on them now but have been in the past. My son is bipolar and they have been tried on him several different times. You sound better. Keep it up! I wish you the best. Carolynusa -
Thank you Macca for your great response to my story!.....and the song (but don't tell Win about the song as she's my current song stylist..lol). A lot of people are shocked at how well I came through the ruptured any, coiling and clipping. Even my in-laws thought I was rolling around in a wheelchair. The surgeon was delighted by the state of my brain. I do count it a blessing and see it as one of those moments in life that kind of changes your direction and puts you on the road you are meant to be on. The last couple of weeks have been difficult because of sleeping problems, head pain, memory issues, weakness, fatigue, and maybe depression - but I am soldiering through. This site helps quite a bit. I thank everybody for being here for me. I never was a "social" person as far as sharing my feelings, etc. but, since the any was on right side I feel like the social Carolyn has awakened. I email everybody! lol Now they'll wish the social Carolyn would go back to sleep. Anyway, thank you very very much. I have read a lot of your responses in my research and find you to be a bright, intelligent, caring and wonderful man. Love, Carolynusa
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Hello Cat! So great to have you around all these years after your sah and continually working on finding your joy in life! It's often an elusive thing but you sound determined so I know you'll find it. Inch by inch. My sah was July 3 this year. I don't remember the thunderclap headache or the next 4 weeks after for that matter but my headache started in at 5 weeks. I, too, was on heavy narcotics each day. 4 months later I am down to 1/2 doses of oxycodone and no longer use the narcotic patch. Hope you are being checked here and then in your recovery and SINCERELY hope your headache will take a hike and give you some peace. Much joy to you Carolynusa
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Braingirl - I am SO sorry you are having anxiety problems. I thought I would share an anxiety story with you as it is not only goofy but a good example of how that mechanism works in us. My SAH was June 3, 2014 and I was in the hospital almost 7 weeks. When I got home I felt like I was still kind of missing from my place if you know what I mean. The first thing that happened was that I came downstairs one morning (after an hour of sleep) and swore to my husband that I heard crickets in the house. I HATE crickets! Not sure why. He told me they were outside and I was hearing things. Mind you I DO hear things in that my ears are roaring 24/7. Eventually I saw my cats chasing after a gigantic shiny black cricket near my water heater door. I flipped out. Neither my husband or my son seemed as if it was any big deal at all which kind of upset me as one of my biggest anxiety's is that nobody believes anything I say anymore. The next night I heard scratching noises from same closet. Of course nobody else heard them so I was left to panic alone. I looked at the door and there was a paw or face or something sticking out from under it. That was it! Nobody believed me until next night when a mouse was running around my son's bedroom - upstairs! Right next to my bedroom! I was hysterical and terrified for days. I had towels shoved under the doors in and around my bedroom. I laid awake at night in tears. My husband finally put traps out and caught 4 mice! Now I feel absolutely terrible that I murdered a mouse family. I cry when I think about it. lol. The point is that nobody seemed to empathize with my anxiety which made me feel very alone. I knew it was over the top but I couldn't stop it. My current anxiety is that I feel the tube leading from my shunt has a "kink" in it. Geez. Our brains are amazing. Please try to talk to someone about your anxiety - somebody that can feel you. I hope you feel much much better very soon. Love, Carolynusa
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To feel guilty or not to feel guilty
Carolynusa replied to iola's topic in Non-Aneurysm SAH or Perimesencephalic SAH
Good morning Iola! My name is Carolyn and I'm very new here. I won't go into my story here as it can be accessed under "My Story" - and this is about you. Your post struck a chord with me in several ways. First, I have been researching sah symptoms, etc for a few weeks now and I got used to seeing your adorable picture and reading the positive and helpful things you have said in your attempt to help people feel better and safer about themselves. Second, you sound like me - an overachiever in your employment. I am 61 and have been in a similar situation to the one you describe multiple times in my life. I can't seem to help it. I just take on more and more until I either get mad and quit or end up yelling at someone. I worked many hours a week...many days in a row...some of it for free. Nothing stopped me. A couple things I learned along the way 1) I can always be replaced and 2) all that I do is rarely ever appreciated in the end. The world goes on. Admittedly I am fairly new to the after effects of an sah - mine was June 3 this year. I am only now learning my limitations, quirks, etc. I am not back at work and can't really see how I could be at this point. So..you're seeing your situation from a little different viewpoint than I can. But...I want to encourage you to be very honest with your employer and yourself. Share your limitations. Honor yourself by not making yourself sick or guilty one more day. You are worth it! If you stop the mad crazy hours you are putting in the place will still be there tomorrow. Please take good care of yourself. I want to continue to see your little picture when I sign onto this site. Carolyn -
So glad to hear from you all! I've had kind of a rough week or two with my emotions and headache, etc. But...I recognize it for what it is - healing - and am sure I'll feel better more often than not. My son is doing well, thank you. He is bipolar and is always into some mess or another. But..he is a great young man inside. So funny - I caught myself dancing in the kitchen yesterday. Don't think I've danced since sah. It wasn't much but felt good. Win - it is already more than a week as I read posts here for several weeks before I posted my story. Your posts always made me smile. I called my whole family in when you posted your note as they knew of you by then. Thank you all! Take the best of care. More later. Carolyn
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Hello all! My name is Carolyn. I live in Champaign/Urbana Illinois, US. First of all I want to thank all of you for being here and congratulate you all that you have the ability to be here. I have been reading this site for a few weeks and have grown fond of you all. Wish I could hear Win sing! I don't remember any of the following: June 3, 2014 my husband and son woke to the sounds of me screaming and vomiting. My husband realized something important was happening and called for an ambulance. Initially I was taken to a hospital that - after an hour or so of examinations - turned me away to be treated at Carle Hospital in Urbana. Thank God and unbeknown to me this hospital has one of the best neuro men in the country. The ambulance guys were thrilled, I'm sure, to be able to dump me somewhere as I fought them every step of the way. Dr. Wang discovered I had a ruptured aneurysm on the right side and set about to perform the coiling procedure on that. After that emergency procedure it was discovered I had 2 more aneurysms on the right side and these were clipped the following day. After a few days of measuring how much spinal fluid was draining from my brain Dr. Wang implanted a shunt. My family were told I had approximately 30% chance of survival. I was held in ICU/CCU for approximately 4 weeks where I was mostly blissfully unaware of anything. As I began to slowly come around it became apparent that I was going to be difficult to deal with. I wouldn't eat and had to have a feeding tube installed in my stomach. I said very bizarre and sometimes insulting things whenever I was lucid enough to talk. i.e. A very sweet young Mennonite nurse told me she had a chicken that laid green eggs and I told her that sounded like a bunch of horse.... to me! That became a theme for me. I also announced we were all in the Pacific Northwest and that I had an account where anybody could donate funds to plant trees for Israel! I know a lot of you are familiar with the crazy behavior thing. I guess I lost my filter for a while. My memory kicks in here: 4 weeks in I was transferred to the Therapy Unit where I stayed another 3 weeks. My recovery rate was astounding the docs and nurses. In a week or so I could walk without assistance and perform most therapy tasks in record time. A therapist took my husband and I (at my husband's request) back up to the CCU where I walked around unaided and hugged the nurses I don't remember and thanked them all for helping to save my life. It was very touching. Meanwhile I fell in love with most of the nurses in the therapy ward and actually have gone back to visit them. I'll never forget them. Forgot to mention that, while I was still in CCU, my second son was in a serious car accident and came to the same hospital with a head injury. Crazy stuff! He is fine now. Anyhow...I am home now - since 7/17 and am doing relatively well. There are a lot of things that frighten me such as weird feelings in my head, etc. But I read your stories and I feel much better. The things that are the most annoying are the changes in my senses, i.e. taste, scent, sound etc. I hate almost everything I used to like to eat and it is heartbreaking to me. Today I had a great moment in that I made chocolate chip cookies and still loved the cookie dough! Win - this one is for you - I played my favorite Beatles CD the other day- and couldn't stand the racket! I almost wept! I'm losing weight - 24 pounds so far; not sleeping; still taking anti-seizure medication and narcotics for post-stroke headache. But, all in all, we are doing much better. Doctor says I can't work for another year or so so if I can live that long with the boredom and lack of paycheck I guess we'll be good. Thanks for listening and bless you all! Stay healthy and happy. Me...I'll be singing for Win.
