Two and a half months after

[Sandi K]

Hi friends, it's been an interesting week and I wasn't going to post cuz I'm so darned depressed. But.... thought about it and realized that others may benefit who are coming along behind me.

Two and a half months after the NASAH and I'm working too much. The results are that I feel spaced out, can't focus, have blurry and sometimes double vision, feel like I have concrete blocks hanging off my arms, and I cry, and cry, and cry. So this is someone who hardly ever cries and is happy all the time. Even when the going gets tough I'm the one to look at the bright side and find a way out. Leonard Cohen has that song about there is a crack in everything.... but that's how the light gets in.

I cry quietly in the kitchen, I cry in the car, I cry in the bathroom, I cry reading your posts.

At work, my Occupational Health case worker has really rolled up her sleeves. She's helping me to create a work plan. I received my 'dented image' book in the post today!! Looking forward to reading it and thank you for the suggestion!

Can't get into the doctor with my LTD (long term disability) forms until February 22nd. Maybe (squeak), maybe I'll be better by then ?

I think the crying is me coming to terms with what's happening. Maybe I should try and do something fun this weekend...

Sandi K.

[donnamarie]

Sandy i done qite a bit of cryin at this stage too. i think it was around this time i realised things werent going to be the walk in the park i thought i would be:roll:. talk to your doctor and family about this its always best out in the open

With work i would just take it easy i cant speak personally as i havent got back to work yet

Go do something you really like this weekend with family or friends ive my dented image book to read too i will try and start it this week and we can compare !!!!

take it easy enjoy your weekend and PM anytime u need to chat never takes me long to reply

Donna:biggrin:

[winter]

SandiK and Donnamarie - Hi ladies! I'm so glad you're here. I understand the depression, anxiety and the deluge of tears. Shortly after I was released from the hospital, there was a special on tv - Hope for Haitii. Toward the end, Justin Timberlake sang Halleluja. I began to cry (for the 1st time since the SAH) and continued crying for 1/2 hr.! Then I cried for several months - off and on, anything could set me off. I think in the early days and months I was coming to terms with what had happened to me and my family. I almost died - all of us almost died! We've all gone through a traumatic event in our lives and it is a huge deal. I thought I would pop right back into life, same as before. I'm usually a happy, optimistic person too. This SAH thing seems to kick us all down! For the longest time, I continued to carry on as usual (back at work 7weeks after). It was just too much and my depression and anxiety really took a hold on me. I had been reading posts on BTG for several months before I finally joined in. I was at such a low point and felt I had nowhere to turn. This is definitely the place to come!!! We've all been there and know how you feel. I'm still working on accepting the "new" me. Still cry a lot, get depressed, have panic attacks and get tired. At one year now, I can look back and I see the huge improvements that have come. I've had help with counseling, medications, and good friends here at BTG.

I know you've heard it before, you are in early days still. Give yourself some time and rest and know that it does and WILL get better!!! It is a process and sometimes it's scary and lonely. But you will get through it. The fact that we're alive is proof of that

Please pm me if you want a chat, either of you! I spend quite a bit of time on the computer these days

Hang in there, you're doing the best you can and it's good enough!

With love,

Carolyn

[Lin-lin]

Hi girls,

Isn’t depression horrible? I don’t think it’s possible to have a brain injury and not feel depressed.

I had a bleak episode over the summer and I thought I was having a breakdown.

It faded. That’s not to say it has disappeared. But I know how to handle the depression now and understand why it happens.

Have you noticed that we all get depressed after a brain injury?

This means that our depression is normal. So let us all congratulate ourselves for being ‘normal’ at least!

Have you noticed that we all get upset about not being able to do the things we used to?

This suggests to me, that our reactions are reasonable. Anyone and everyone would get frustrated about this. It is an adjustment we all battle with and find very difficult.

Another cause for depression, in addition to reacting to changed circumstances, is chemicals in the brain being disrupted through a brain injury.

The brain controls our emotions, but our brains are bruised. We would accept that a broken leg is weaker, but we often struggle to understand why a broken brain is weaker, and we don't always grasp why we can’t cope with the same pressure as before.

And with this ‘weaker’ brain, we are dealing with life changes, loss, stress and money worries. A healthy brain would struggle to process this, but our brains are sick and are struggling that little bit more.

Isn’t it ironic how we are dealing with the most traumatic experiences of our lives and the very thing we need to cope, (the brain,) is injured. Typical!

I have joined group therapy with a psychologist. I have made new friends and they understand what I am going through.

Yes, I get upset from time to time, but I know why and I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel frustrated.

If I feel down, I don’t try to fight it. I allow myself to wallow and lick my wounds. I eventually become motivated to introduce some changes to my life; and for this reason, my depression is vital for me to move forward and accept things.

Lynne xx

Edited January 29, 2011 by Lin-lin

[Sandi K]

It is reassuring to know that everyone else is experiencing this stuff along the way.

Talking to you guys (reading the posts) has really lifted my spirits today! I know Ill be down again but right now I feel content and comforted.

So glad you are all out there!!!

Sandi K

[Gill C]

I ahve found along the way there are troughs & peaks in emotions & I do take a dip quite badly at times. I cry at everything & nothing but a few days later I feel ok & carry on. I have strufggled a lot lately & thought I was depressed but like lin it has faded a litle but I know i will only take another knock now for me to go back down again. I havn't made it to the Gp yet but if I need to I will go for ani d's. I have learnt it's ok to ask for help whne you need it having always been so independant & proud previously!

[tracy]

Hi Ladies

I have had al thse things mentioned here, the crying at about 3 mnths after and now the anxiety. Im always walking around spaced out, i seem to have a good week an then a spaced out week where im here but not if you know what i mean. Ive given in now and as of today started to take some anxiety tablets to see if it helps.

Lynne you have a real way od putting things in perspective, i love reading your posts. You should be one of those insperational speakers.

I have read the Dented Image book it is brilliant i found, i related to so much in it.

Traci S xxx

[Anya]

Hi Sandi

Yes, I think the depression struck me around this time. My brain haemorrhage mirrored a bereavement; I mourned the me and the fact I couldn't be perfect anymore!! I also think it was shock catching up, the brain chemicals going awry, the money worries; and major uncertainties about the future!! Nothing short of cataclysmic!!

I was persuaded by my very kind gp to take a short course of antidepressants - citalopram - which radically helped stabilise and boost my mood, giving me energy!! Looking back they helped enormously!

I absolutely love that Leonard Cohen song - I think it should become our anthem!

Anya x

[KelBel]

Hi Sandi

Sorry to hear you are feeling down

I too felt very teary from the moment I was discharged after my coiling and for many months afterwards... I still get a bit emotional every now and again.

I also struggled initially with coming to terms with it, and it wasn't until I started seeing a councellor (who was actually a trauma specialist) that I started to come to terms with it all. She said that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress, which I initially found odd as I even said that's something soldiers suffer from... :confused: but she helped me realise and understand what was wrong, and that what I was feeling was okay, and was pretty normal after such a traumatic experience.

Take care

Kel x