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winter

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  1. Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry to hear this! You, your children and family have been through so much already. Sending you lots of love and hugs as you deal with these hardships and sadness! You and your family are in my thoughts! Carolyn
  2. Im so very sorry to hear of continued illness for Richard! Keeping you and all of your. family in my thoughts, hon xxxooo
  3. This is a great thread!!! At the end of January, I will hit my 4 year mark. I wish I could say that I have completely accepted the changes in my life. As Sandi and several others have said, it's a process. And it does continue, every single day. While I am certainly in a much happier state than I was even 1 year ago, I still am surprised when I attempt to do something and find that it's beyond my current capabilities. I do try many new things, attempt to meet goals and when I find I cannot complete something, I don't get as upset as I used to - I know that it's just the way it is. It's maybe not what I want, but I guess it really isn't the destination but in fact the journey that really does matter. I repeatedly tell myself, "I am not broken, Im perfect just the way I am." Most of the time I'm good with that. I definitely have my down days and that is probably another given with this new life. I do have a deeper reverence for life itself, and all that comes with it. My feelings are more intense, I'm more honest with myself and therefore others. I don't want to waste time with negativity and petty things. There are some people who are now gone from my life, and that's as it should be. Yes, it can be sad and isolating at times, but I believe there's a reason for everything. Like so many of you have found, my true friends are still with me and I have met some very wonderful and special people on BGT, who have helped me get to the place I am now Through this site, I've learned to pace myself, set smaller goals (even though in my head I still come up with dreams that are possibly beyond my reach, lol), be kind to myself and to listen to my body. Reading others' stories and how they are coping has also helped me to come to a better understanding and acceptence of myself. I know I'm not alone in this, you all "get it".
  4. Hi Daff! I am really glad you started this thread! Great responses here and I can't add anything other than I've experienced the "anxiety" aspects as well. I've had a few bouts with the emergency room too. Had the same feelings you described - feeling badly for what your family goes through, guilt, anger, and FEAR. I'm almost to my 4 year mark and still have bouts of anxiety/panic. I am on medication for this and it really helps, as does switching my thoughts (cbt). Before I was on the medication, I was unable to switch my thoughts. I tried very hard to do that but I just didn't have control (another difficult issue). Anyway, at this point, I am soooo much better than I was last year, and the year before that. It does eventually get easier. As the others said, different situations such as dehydration, brain overload, fatigue, can and do play a part in triggering the anxiety - at least for me. I think you're brave to talk about it and hope others will add to the thread. What a great bunch of people here, that we can all help one another!!! Hugs to you, sweetie Carolyn
  5. Welcome to BTG, Jude. It's great that you've found it... so many people on here who know exactly what you're going through, how you're feeling, because they've been through it too, and are living it. You'll find much support with others and tons of great information. It is a shame that we aren't given much information or help following the SAHs, but good there are sites like these to come to. Keep coming back here, join in on the Green Room and discussions. We're a friendly bunch and are all just here to support one another. Hope to hear more from you, Carolyn
  6. Hi MelodyRose. I'm so glad you found this site - so many wonderful people here, and information available. We're alll here to help support one another as we deal with our recoveries (yours as well)! My daughter was 23 when I had my SAH 3 years ago. She stayed at the hospital 24/7, as she was afraid to leave for fear something would happen while she was gone. It was agony for her and she still has anxiety over what happened. You're a strong young woman and it's great to know you've got support with your mother and boyfriend and other relatives. It really is soooo important to take care of yourself during this time, as it has been such a scary event for all of you. Not knowing exactly what the future holds can also wreak havoc with you emotionally and physically. Hang in there, sweetie, and know that we're all here thinking of you and your Dad and family. Come here often. Ask any questions, we'll help you with whatever we can. Please keep us posted, as you're able. Sending healing thoughts and positive energy to you and your family, Carolyn
  7. I have had constant headaches since the SAH. When I was working, they were MUCH, MUCH worse. I went through the time with changing medications, etc... until we found something that worked. As we all know, there is no magic bullet that works for everyone or every type headache. It was a real pain in the... HEAD, haha. I've been on depakote now, for quite some time. I take it twice daily. It has most definitely relieved the severity and frequency of the migraines I was getting. I still get the migraines, depending on activity and stressors, etc... but it is sooooo much better now than before! I do get those stabbing pains in my head, also, from time to time. I have discussed this with neurologist and have never gotten an answer to those other than, "hmmmmm". So, go figure, right? I too, think there still needs to be much research done with survivors. It does seem a majority suffer headaches and strange pains (among many other symptoms) that aren't always explained by the docs. When I do get a migraine, I have fioricet (rx) that I take. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. Laying down in a darkened room, no noise or irritants of any kind, is what I HAVE to do. I am unable to function when the headaches occur. I still get "scared" at times when the headaches are severe and/or I have other weird feelings and symptoms that pop up. 3 years on and you'd think those scary bits would go away.
  8. Funny how so many of us feel we've "wasted" a day, when we have used it to rest up and renew ourselves. I would always encourage it for others, knowing it's sooooo needed, but when I do it myself I still have that "old tape" running in my head, that I should be doing something. I still have days where I sleep A LOT. Usually it comes after too much activity, a night on the town (few and far between, haha) or cognitive overload. I keep thinking that since I'm no longer working, I shouldn't experience the duvet days as often as I do. Since I'm not as active outside the home, as I used to be, I tire even easier than before! Does that make sense? Maybe it just seems that way because I think I shouldn't be so tired after doing very little! A bit past the 3 year mark and I still "expect" more of myself than what I'm obviously capable of doing! I think I've come to a fairly good acceptance of life as it is right now, but still have things to work on. Might be time for me to re-read A Letter From Your Brain, again! In my unpacking, I've come across several small boxes of silver spoons (were my grandmother's). Maybe I should find a silversmith/metal worker to make key chains, bracelets, pendants, whatever to remind myself to pace myself and also that the duvet days are "ok"
  9. Hi Scarlett I'm glad you found this site. I'm in the US, so don't know about the hospital situations there. Just wanted to say hello and let you know you're not alone. We're all here to help one another get through these scary times (and funny ones too, later on!) I hope you get some answers soon and you're able to get the surgery done in a timely manner! I can only imagine how you must feel at this time. I was unaware I had an aneurysm until it burst - a little over 3 yrs ago now. Mine was coiled. Take care sweetie and come in here often and keep us posted on what's happening for you. Carolyn
  10. Hope you're feeling better this evening poor girl!!! It is scary when they seem to come up out of othe blue. As you said though, possible stress with arm and interview may have triggered the beginning of it and then that light shaft just set it off! How is your arm doing? Just wondered if they'd figured that out yet for you. Get some rest girl. Sending you lots of hugs and healing energy xxxooo
  11. Hi Fern! So glad you are home and doing well! I can only imagine the relief you you feel now, knowing you r worries are lessened. Take it easy sweetie. Hope the headaches go quickly and your energy levels come up soon. So happy for you
  12. Hi! Good to see you here. Ditto on what all the others have said. I'm almost 3 years post sah. I went back to work at about 6 or 7 weeks (as the others, WAY too soon). I thought that's what I was supposed to do, according to neurologist. I did a phased in plan, part time and working up to too many hours too quickly. Was exhausted all the time, migraines became much worse and I found it difficult to function. I pretended I was fine. Thought I just had to get through it all and keep going. After about 3 months of that, I took a different position at the same company. I had been a massage therapist for 15 years and took a job as receptionist, as ours had been fired. I thought that would be so much easier, haha. The thinking and trying to multi-task became unbearable - I kept doing it, needing more medication for migraines, sleep problems, depression, anxiety. The list goes on. Anway, was "let go" at end of that year. Boss was doing away with the receptionist position, so she said. Although I was very bitter and angry with her at the time, it really was a blessing in disguise! I wasn't able to handle it all. It took me a LONG time to accept that for me, working was doing me more harm than good - felt guilty and worthless for quite some time. Tried other avenues to make $$, but those didn't really work out for me either. I'm not saying these things to scare you or discourage you from working. Lots of people are able to go back and find the right fit for themselves. You know your body and how you're feeling. Do what you can to take the best care of yourself so you can heal and get the proper rest your brain needs. Tell your neurologist you are just not ready for the work world at the phase you're doing. Hopefully you'll be able to get back to it when you've had more recovery time and are ready. Good luck in your journey and keep us posted. Come here often!!! Sending you tons of energy and healing hugs, Carolyn
  13. I have the exact same thing going on as well! Sorry, MaryB - had to laugh at that, "just had to grab her hand..." I think these things but rarely do them, lol. My daughter, in her younger years, played drums and other percussion instruments. She's now 28, but still can't seem to stop tapping, clicking, etc... with objects. I do grab "her" hand, and say, HELLOOOOOOOOOOO... knock it off! More difficult to handle situations when other people are doing it. I'm going to have to find that book Di. I like the analogy of the bouncer and nightclub. That is how I feel too. Have had a difficult time explaining the noise, stimulus thing to others, but that is perfect. I'm a few days shy of being 3 years post sah. Don't know that it will or won't improve over the years, so I just keep going and avoid situations at times when I'm tired and/or not feeling well. I'm working on having back up plans, so when I'm out and about, I have options to get away from the NOISES and LIGHTS, etc... when I need to.
  14. The article is by Marie Allen, entitled, "What's Happened To Us" - http://www.behindthegray.net/vbulletin/showthread.php?7946-What-Happens-To-Us-By-Marie-Allen-(Psychotherapist)
  15. Aw, Stephanie... Sending you big hugs hon. It is an emotional time for you and your family. I can understand about not wanting to hear about it all the time. I know we're all thankful to be alive, but the bitterness of what's happened does set in for many of us - and that's normal too. You did go through a traumatic, to say the least, event in your life. And if you don't want to hear about it from your family members, maybe you can let them know how you feel, how upsetting it is for you to hear about it all the time. While they may need to talk about it, maybe they can share their feelings with someone other than you. When you're ready to talk about it you will. Karen posted in the hemorrhage discussion forum, a writing from a psychologist, I believe. Talked about stages of loss and grief and what we go through. It made so much sense to me. All of your feelings are valid. Sending big hugs your way. Keep coming into BTG to talk about what you want to talk about. That's what we're all here for. xxxooo, Carolyn
  16. Hi Bev! You're feelings are pretty normal I'd say. Uncertainty can feel scary and knowing things can be scary too. I felt anxious and yucky about lots of things the first year (and into the 2nd too) Going back for cerebral arteriogram at the six month point was awful. Tried to be the "happy Carolyn, everything will be fine, no worries". Truth is, I was terrified. I, too, saw dr.s and nurses who'd I'd seen when hospitalized and it was rather freaky. Everything did work out just fine, but I understand those "ick" feelings. I still get those feelings when I've had to go back to hospital for tests and such. It has gotten a little easier now (almost 3 yrs. post SAH) but memories pop in. I think they probably always will, we aren't ever going to forget what's happened to us and that's normal too. Hang in there sweetie. Sending you lots of good energy and big hugs across the pond. xxxooo Carolyn
  17. I, saw the post yesterday, and immediately knew we have to figure out that site so we could vote for Karen! I couldn't figure it out either as I am quite technitarded:) Karen is our angel and without her, I and probably tousands of others would've been lost! We all love you Karen and want to honour you for your wonderful works!
  18. Hi Alison! So very happy you've found BTG. It's been my lifeline since I found it, 2 1/2 years ago - took me abut 4 months to find it, then 2 more of reading stories and posts before I felt I could handle getting on here to post. The people here have helped me more than any others, we've all gone through the same thing and can relate to one another because of it. We "get it". It's hard to express our feelings and relay any symptoms we are having because we are concerned about the other's (family and friends) feelings. It's a huge thing we've all been through, family included, and it's scary for all concerned. I do hope, though, you will continue to talk and express yourself to husband and others. They're going through this process too, and the more you talk, the more they will be able to understand and help in the healing process for all of you. Come in here often! That's what we're here for - helping one another through recovery. Sending big hugs and healing energy your way Carolyn
  19. Hi Inez, Welcome to BTG! I'm happy, too, that you found this site so quickly. As the others have said, this is the place to be for information, support, and comfort - we're all here to help one another. Kris mentioned reading as much as you can on this site. Great advice. It helped me to understand what was happening to my body and brain, and that Im not alone in this. I saw on another thread where you mentioned you were the perfect candidate (or something to that effect) for a SAH. I do hope you're not blaming yourself in anyway!!! These things happen to lots of people, some of whom have never smoked. Some have been in excellent physical shape, healthy in all ways and had SAHs. Be easy on yourself and concentrate, if you can, on healing. Recovery is the most important thing right now - be good to you Hope to see you more often here, and in the Green Room too! Hugs to you, Carolyn
  20. Hi Loretta. Sorry you're both having a difficult time now. It can be so frustrating and emotionally draining when dealing with all the emotions and feelings that come with certain affects after SAH. Karen is right! Few survivors, including myself, are at a place they expect to be after a year (and sometimes longer). I thought at that 1 year mark, I would be back to my "normal" self. What a surprise. All too often we have no idea what to expect and even a lot of the medical professionals don't know what to expect either, possibly because they don't have much experience with SAH survivors. It's really important right now for you to take care of yourself, too. You mentioned counseling for him or both of you. It might be helpful for you to seek counseling for yourself, so you can learn some techniques and ways to handle your own feelings - that will help you be better able to cope with what's happened and not take on all the negativity from his anger and actions. You've both had to deal with a major, life-changing event. Keep talking to him, as Karen suggested. Hopefully he'll come around soon and the healing process will continue! Come into the Green Room often. We're all here to help one another Keeping you in my thoughts and sending healing energy your way, for strength and patience each day. Big hugs to you, Carolyn
  21. Great link Daffy! I've been on the mindfulness, spiritual journey for YEARS. Funny thing, I've read sooooo many books, listed to CDs, gone to seminars, taken classes, etc..... Think I've just started really applying these things in the last 2 years. They really can make a huge difference! Thanks for sharing that site.
  22. Where's MaryB? I think she would be good at butt kicking!
  23. Mikey - Good morning! I'm not very good at butt kicking, lol, because when someone tries that avenue with me, I just get angry and rebel But I guess it works for some people. I hope you can find a different therapist, one who is actually interested in helping you and suggesting ways for you to re-think things. Kind of like medicines, doctors, everything else in life - have to kiss a lot of toads before you find the prince/princess! Kris mentioned finding a neuropsycologist - is that something you could pursue? Sounds like you're eating right and exercing, doing all the right things. Sometimes, no matter how healthy we are/and trying to be, we still need help. Doesn't mean you're a failure in any sense!!! You can only do the best you can and accept that that is good enough! I'm not a doctor, obviously, but why did they take you off the anti-depressants? If they were helping, you might want to revisit the thought and talk with your doctor. None of us really want to take all these meds, but if it gets us through the day and helps us to feel "normal, as normal as can be", then for me, I choose to stay on the meds. I have hit such lows over the past 2 1/2 years I have thought about suicide. Only "thought", wouldn't ever do it, but I was so low and in such misery with my life that it seemed it would be so much easier not to be here. I have 2 adult children and want to live to see them have children of their own, I want to be a part of their lives, and I feel I have a lot to live for. It's hard to see at times, but I know it's there. It's just going to through the rollercoaster that sucks. I tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling low. Don't want to be a burden to others, don't want their pity, just want to feel better. I'll try the butt kicking at this point! You need to put yourself out there, find some sort of support group, take a class where you will meet people with like interests (cooking class perhaps?), get moving. Do everything you can to feel better. When negative thoughts pop into your head, notice them and then cancel those thoughts. Think of something that makes you feel good - your daughter, things you're thankful for, etc... or repeat over and over again - I love and accept myself as I am. Eventually you will start believing this and more importantly, feeling it. Sometimes just taking that first step to get yourself out there is the hardest part, you can do it my friend, and will begin to feel better about the accomplishments you achieve - even if you believe they are just little things. Those little things are HUGE steps to wellness. Ok, butt kicking over. Just do it Sending you lots of healing energy for happier days and new prospects for you!!! Carolyn
  24. Welcome to BTG Barry! So glad you found this site. Has been most helpful to me and many others. Lots of information and support here, from people who've gone through what you're going through! Sounds like you're doing pretty well with taking care of yourself - good for you Yeah that memory thing can be problematic. I have to write things down too, and yes, sometimes forget to write them down!!! That part is not so fun, but almost 3 years post SAH, Im beginning to accept certain things in my "new" life. Kind of like the rollercoaster, ups and downs, but just have to keep going and know that I have more ups than downs. Good luck to you. Hope to hear more from you. Carolyn
  25. Hi Inez Welcome to BTG! It's a great site with super people who know what you're going through. We're all here to help one another as we go through recovery. So happy to hear you were treated appropriately and all staff members helped you get what you needed immediately! Hope you hear soon, as to how Sid and Nancy will be handled. Please keep us posted. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Take good care in the mean time!!! Hugs, Carolyn
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