Dancing with your past

[goldfish.girl]

Hope I'm not boring everyone with a previous topic..... but I went out for a 40th birthday night out last night. I knew whilst I was there that there was a sense of deja vu so I searched my previous posts today (knowing that my last big event was 3rd Nov 2011).

Amazing to realise that the same feelings are still there but the pain of realising how things are, what has gone & will never come back has lessened enormously. Keith & Louise had good advice that I did not want to hear in November, their words made me so angry (although I do hope I acknowledged the advice respectfully????) - accept how things are now Hats off to you both, unfortunately you were right!

Social situations with lots of people just do not work for me now, I have lost my ability to small talk with strangers, along with my reputation to talk rubbish to everyone in the room, dance my pants off & party all night.......I can not stand all those people talking at once, I can't filter out the other people to concentrate on the person I am talking to any more.

I really do NOT like this change, but it is what it is, the last attempt in Nov nearly broke me as I was not ready to accept it, this time I understand that it is what it is. The person I was has gone & after all this time, there is no chance that she will come back. It has taken 3 and a half years to accept this and be 'ok' with it. It is hard, it hurts but it is ok and even if it wasn't ok.......it is how it is!

My only advice would be that whatever you are told will not entirely sink in until you experience it & are able to accept it for yourself.There is no time limit on this, some people give up & moan forever early on, some will never stop trying to get better & offering support to others. I may never like it that much but now I know it will not change no matter how much I want it to I think I can at last move forward a few inches. And maybe one day I will learn to use it as a positive, a new way of life that's as much fun as partying all night was

Thank you to all who helped on that day last November

Michelle xx

[SarahLou]

Ah dear Lil Miss Goldfish Girlie..

Your post bought tears to my eyes, but in an ok kinda way. I too sometimes would give the world to dance with my past, even if it was for just one night.

You've done, and are doing, so so well.

Life isn't easy and it isn't fair, but then no one said it would be.

Remember....

The wounds I have can heal and although the scars, whether they are visible or hidden, will always be there, they give me protection from further damage and remind me that I have healed.

Big hugs to you honey.

Keep smiling,

SarahLou Xx

[goldfish.girl]

Thank you Sarah Lou

You are right,Life isn't easy and it isn't fair, but then no one said it would be. BUT, equally, no-one said it was fair & would be easy, especially if something halted your life in it's tracks half way through.....and made you start again......we are still here though, so making the most of how things are is paramount

Time to go back to the nearest beach, feel free to join me xx

[SarahLou]

Ah Michelle, I'd love to join you on that beach. Imagine sitting on the beach eating a box of small geezers, watchin the tide come in.. Bliss! Like yourself it's where I feel most at peace in my head, heart and soul.

We've both had our lives halted more than once. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, makes you into the person who you are now.

Dance on the beach in your dreams tonight..

SL Xx

[nw42]

Michelle, thank you for posting what you have, especially so soon after this realisation came to you, must still be a bit raw, I suppose posting it on here is a way of processing the feelings, downloading it. Whatever your reasons it resonated with me in a big way, in fact I've dwelt on it for an hour or so and felt I wanted to reply.

I'm 19mths post SAH and only today I was thinking back to what Saturday nights were like back in the summer of 2010, completely different, for one I certainly wouldn't have been browsing on a website like this at midnight, we would have been out enjoying ourselves, our regular haunt was a pub that had live bands, rock bands, proper noisy nights, we loved our Saturday nights out. We would often venture off to another town, book a room and have a night out, very rarely saw the room before 5am, we were a good time couple. Not saying this for any other reason than to describe how things were pre sah, in the May of 2010 we had a week in Ibiza, put it this way we didn't go there for peace and tranquility.

I've always thought I would get back to that but the reality is that it's gone:yesnod: we've moved on to another chapter, life is still good, still being alive is more than enough to be thankful for, it's just that those were golden times, I wasn't asking for the ride to stop so I could get off, I was still screaming for it to go faster.... and it did.. until it shuddered to a grinding halt that Sunday.

Everyone that knows me would say that I had more stamina than someone half my age when it came to partying, not saying it was the right way to be but it's the truth, if there was a light on and music playing I'd be there til it stopped. Not suggesting you were the same but it's clear you were a life and soul type.

My mantra was always 'live it to the full, you're only here once, long time dead etc etc', a bit cliched I suppose but I'm sure you know what I mean, I loved being spontaneous. Never had kids, so never had to be responsible, always worked and played hard.

Not saying I don't love life still but like you I miss what I was, not really accepted the fact that it's all gone, I feel like Henry Normal now, not that there's anything wrong with Henry Normal, it's just that wasn't part of my plan, I was always going to go out with a bang, that's exactly what would have happened if my beautiful darling wife (of 3yrs) hadn't been so alert, of course it was more than that, someone/something was looking out for me that day, the surgeon that repaired me was due to go on annual leave the very next day, ok there would have been a replacement but this guy is recognised as one of the best, he spent 7hours putting me right, there were other significant coincidences that day, everything just happened to easily for it not to be contrived in some way.

I too need to accept and move on, I mean you're right, there's nothing to like about the changes, but what's the point in wasting time chasing a pipedream.

Not sure how I should begin the process of accepting the different me, the typical old me would never have had any need for counselling or any of that old rope:out:, who knows, maybe this me, todays me, would benefit from something like that.

It's strange but when I first registered on here, last summer, I had a really good look around, I was made very welcome, but I didn't think it was a place for me to hang around, I thought it may drag me down, no offence to anybody, far from it, I just thought it was a place for those who were struggling to get over their sah, I thought I was alright and well on the way to being back in the old routine, well it's not happened, probably been out, proper out, 3 times since then. We go out for meals now rather than mad nights out.

One big factor in my desire to get back to what I was is that my wife is 12yrs younger than me, even though she has never waivered I can't help but think that trading standards would have a field day with me, not fit for the intended purpose, she must wish she'd purchased the extended warranty.

Anyway, luckily she still loves me, still thinks I'm worth what we went through to be together (another story) so I'm going to try and be more positive about the new me, find my new strengths, make the most of the chance I've been given.

So thanks for giving me reason to think a bit deeper.

[Bill B]

Ahhh,...... metaphor, metaphor,

This is a good one!

Dancing with your past?

Nw42 sums it up very succinctly, "as long as there is a light on , I'll be there".

This was my life , in a nutshell, first in, last out and,

as far as I can remember,

quite popular with the, unthinking

mass of social drinkers.

I would "perform" on a regular basis, both onstage, and leaning at the bar.

Pontificate, argue, educate, or just deconstruct, random strangers ideas, as a form of entertainment.

Pricking the bubble of certainty was my hobby.

I would love to walk into a bar , where no one knew me, and perform my "set piece" tricks, involving maths and suggestion,

Then disappear, like some mystic guru , before anyone worked out the scam.

(I have always, had this feeling, that you are much more powerful, if you are not there)

Having failed as a rock star, this was the next best thing, and over the years it became a way of life.

Smart bothered tricks, designed to curry favour and acceptance from strangers.

All very pathetic, in the light of the new perception, granted me by SAH.

All that rubbish has gone now.

The seeking of approval and need for validation is just a distant memory.

It's not so much as a dance with my past, as a side step, and re-evaluation of what is really important.

It's hard to become silent, but that is what , I now seek.

Party- animal, subdued by circumstance, and much the wiser for it.

Dancing with my past?

I'll sit this one out!

Bill B.

[MaryB]

I love that......dancing with your past......... Michelle, Happy 40th Birthday.. .

One time in my life I would of said I was not proud of some of the crazy wild things I have done.........Now I can sit back and just smile and say "ah screw it", I had a wild great time and it was a blast! I danced on bars, partied all night, I was the last one home and the first one up. It is probably why my head exploded. I grew up in the 70's and had much fun in the early 80's (prior to becoming a mother which settled me right down).

I wished I were able to have that kind of fun before the SAH but I knew those days were in my past already. I have great memories and they are just as fun as dancing all night, going to a great rock concert, ( good grief I cannot imagine doing that anymore than riding a rollercoaster at Disneyland), or just plain working hard again. Maybe I am still too new to this recovery. I really thought I would be back to work in a week. September 16th 2011 was so long ago but I still have "projects" from that week I have not finished, chores I was in the middle of etc... My basement is like time stood still. The candles and vases from the outdoor wedding at the bottom of the stairs etc.

I now long for the quiet walk up a mountain or trail, a beach that is deserted, a sunny day with birds chirping. I feel like I am 30 & a thin hot woman until I look in the mirror....YIKES! I keep looking forward and not back.....keeping one foot in front of the other.

Michelle, even without the SAH time JUST changes things in your life. I wish we all could go back in time for little while but I certainly don't think I would want to stay there very long. I have not had a NIGHT OUT yet ( other than 3 beers with dinner) although I have some coming up. I recall someone writing about an exit plan a few weeks ago and I know I will need a plan. I have not cried tears in years and today I was very teary eyed for the past prior to reading your post. I have 3 brother in laws that have health issues and a good friend as well. It makes me just want to spend time with the ones I love the most before one of us are gone. It makes me sad gettting older and thinking that way. But I always like a plan. Life is too precious to waste it on regret and not live in the moment. I am so glad I was a wild child and I got it out of my system! I am glad I laughed often so hard with my loved one that I could not breathe. The thought of crying or laughing that hard makes my head hurt thinking about it now. I am not even sorry for who I am now to my family & friends. I do like myself more now and I see things clearer. I feel more at peace than ever before. Good luck, sorry for rambling..........maryb

Edited January 29, 2012 by MaryB

[goldfish.girl]

I've enjoyed reading all your posts about the past. Although it wasn't my 40th birthday Mary (I'm 41), it was a friends birthday. I think you are right that with age I would've gradually changed anyway, the difficulty comes when that change doesn't happen naturally by choice over a period of time but is unexpectedly forced upon you, BANG, no warning, no choice in the matter. I think that's what makes adjusting to it so hard.

NW42 I'm pleased that it has helped you in some way. For me 'accepting' it has happened in it's own time, you can't make it happen just because everyone says you need to. It seems to be a process which eventually reaches a conclusion, probably held up by not wanting it to be true & being in denial in my case.

Even after all this time I am still learning things and coming to terms with them which proves the theory that recovery can continue for years after the SAH. The positive is that although I don't like these changes, there is something peaceful about finally accepting them. (The 3 days of tears & tantrums last November was just exhausting!!!) Maybe in time I'll start to like these changes but for now just realising that they are here to stay is another item scored off my list and a massive step forward.

Michelle xx

Edited January 29, 2012 by goldfish.girl

[Gill C]

Lovely GG you have come so far as have we all, the journey to acceptance def takes time & each person has their own way to achieve it. I was given loads of advice last July prior to taking Nathan to the cinema, I planned lunch & shopping too. Pre sah that wouldn't have beena problem but I thought I could still do it, not exactly a rock & roll lifestyle but hey I loved it. I crashed & burned big time & spent many tears of frustration at what I couldn't do & the fact that I had pushed myself too far & I too early.

I danced with my past yesterday as I revisited my FB pages for the time my SAH happened & then the 6 weeks leading up to diagnosis & operating, then the weeks afterwards. I posted from HDU but then a day later my posts & replies made abosolutely no sense at all. Looking back I can see how far I have come.

I put off joining Headway because my Dad had had a big stroke & was a completley different man(I still feel I lost him then rather than 10 years later when he passed away) I didn't want to spend my time with people that badly damaged (sorry I am different now honest!!) & I thought hwo could that be good for me?. Now Headway is one of the best things to have happened to me & the people there, no matter how badly affected have helped & inspired me no end. I don't want to be that judgemental again, the new me is much more accepting of other people.

I would love to be able to do more than one thing in a day before the fatigue sets in, to be able to sing to the radio at the top of my voice while driving, music turned up loud! To work again & feel energised & challenged by my day.

But hey I am still here & that is the biggest blessing ever. I think it's good to dance with your past but not to dwell on it,

[MaryB]

Michelle, When I reread the beginning of the post this morning of Dancing with the Past the first thing I got was it was not your birthday. I was thinking "way to go ,MARY!" So sorry. Not as bad as asking when your baby is due when you are not pregnant or when people think I am in my late 60's because I was all gray at 40. ...... but still sorry.

I do have a worsening issue with reading things wrong.......letters and words are so mixed up in my mind. I am amazed what I think I read when I look at the Headlines of the News everyday. Last night I was trying to spell "phase" and wrote "fraze". jeez..

Anyway. I love Dancing with Your Past phase so much that I think it should be a name of a book ........letter or post from SAH or about a person in novel.

I was already forced to change my life style years ago with fibromylsia although it made me really mad until this happened. I hit it hard when i had energy I paid dearly for it with fatigue and pain and later came the neuro problems that I was unaware of like falling and etc. Now I cannot ever push it. I have to tell myself it was like God was tapping me on my shoulder saying "slow down" because I was going 100% and circles around most people. Then he thought maybe he would get my attention by hitting me in my head with a ball bat. Ok I am listening now for sure. More was taken away from me.

I know I am older than most of you I think, but it a way of coping for me. My father was forced in to retirement at 46 and was given 6 months to live when I was only 15 years old. He lived many years by what I believe was his determination of looking at the bright side. I often wonder if I will be able to sit in the yard on my lawn chair with a bag of peanuts and feed the squirrels all day & be content. Probably not but I think I will be able to find something that gives me peace.

Once again this BTG site is the best medicine I have right now. It is my strength & give me courage when I need it. It makes it ok to be me ........I reminds me daily like a daily blessing to be where I am right now and not to somewhere else.