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Bill B

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Everything posted by Bill B

  1. I found it impossible to resume work. I didn't trust anyone. I prefered poverty to the interaction of work. I know I am a bit paranoid, but I sleep well!
  2. I was a rugby fly half. Later a goalkeeper. Now I have little balance and vision. It is difficult to be weak, when I was once, so in control. I struggle with the loss. Not ,only walking , but having to sit in chairs with arms. I am embarrassed by myself. Staying in my house is, increasingly, the best option. At the time of writing this, I have not left my house since October 5th. My car did 241 miles last year,..that is travelling to the tip , and back. It feels like the final chord, at the end of Sergeant Pepper.
  3. Something that hurts me, is when people think I am drunk. I wobble, and stagger, sometimes, ....if I don't have my stick, I have very poor balance.
  4. Hi Lorna. The restrictions on social interaction are manyfold. Balance, noise, movement, intolererence, ........ad infinitum! In fact,...every- thing has changed. I am the worst person to give advice. I have crashed and burned, over the last 14 years. You will never be who you were. However, you will find that people on this site have been through , exactly, what you are experiencing.
  5. I have come to a, personal, realisation, that people are disappointing. Best thing is, to avoid them! Get a dog. Get a cat. Get any creature that will not let you down! I don't want to be negative, but life is what it is.
  6. I've recently reviewed my posts since I first joined BTG. All I know is,...that, I know nothing.
  7. Johnnie, stick a skip on your drive, and we have deal!
  8. Most of the world is cold. I feel like BTG is a duvet. Not many people understand.
  9. Last night, an old friend told me of an impending gig. Musicians I have known for 40 years. I told him I would need to write the details down. He asked why? I said, Altziemers! He backed away ,in embarresment. I only said Altziemers, because, to explain Third nerve palsy, SAH, and all the resulting carnage, is too difficult. Altziemers shuts everyone up! It is simpler than ,having to explain memory loss, balance loss, anger, intolerance and depression. After years of expecting a re-occurence of the pain of the first event,( not flying for ten years) there was a period of numbness. 14 years on,...I don't fear SAH anymore. I just like to keep myself , too myself. I can't seem to interact with folk. My wife pushes me into social contact. I try to respond. I just can't be bothered. Is this normal?
  10. The noise, and sound comes from all direction. I wouldn't wish this noise on anyone. Cars attack me. People stab me with sound. I have stay in my house. The whole damn world is barbed wire!
  11. I see tinnitus visually. It is a real thing. It never goes away. It reminds me of that , long tracking shot in the film "frenzy", where the killer enters the street, as is if nothing had happend. The noise just swamps you. Like the the tracking shot in "Jaws" , where the camera pulls away, when focusing on the face. That's how I see tinnitus! I may be wrong!
  12. Something else that has emerged from SAH recovery. OCD cleaning! Not in my own house, but every time I go on holiday. I like to have Villa holidays, in the south of Spain. Three times a year! (Lucky man)! I always end up, sorting the garden out, cleaning the patio, oiling the locks and gate fittings,sorting out the TV and internet, fixing little plumbing problems,.....etc, etc....ad infinitum! I was not like this pre-SAH. My family think it is hilarious. Everyone is relaxing around the pool,..I am polishing tiles, ...saying ,..."we may be on holiday, but we don't have live like pigs". Needless to say, the owners love us, and ask when we will want to come back! Brain alterations have unforseen consequences. Onwards and upwards! Bill.
  13. Dose anyone else hoard stuff? I have a hoard of WW2 memorabilia, weapons, comms, newspapers, medals, insignia, and diarys/ photos. 1960's comics, thousands of books, Annuals ,1960/70 toys, clothes from the 60's /70's and countless other stuff ! My house is full of valuable/ worthless stuff!
  14. QMC,...saved me too! I was a teacher too Paul. Head exploded, crashed into a lorry, no idea what was happening. My family, like yours, pulled me out my abyss. .....Now we are here! ...survivors!......The lucky few!. Mr MCarther, if that was your sugeon, told me ,...12.5 % of SAH victims recover, completely. 12.5% recover partially. 25% recover. 50% die on the spot, or the next day. We are all very lucky!
  15. Thanks Win. I've been tidying the mountain of "good stuff" in my house. I could open a shop!
  16. Tinnitus! You might just have to get used to this. I have had an after ring for 13 years. I identify it as "G". For what use that is.
  17. We are all bashed up, in different ways. No one can navigate this thing alone. I tried, and failed. Years ago, I was a teacher, at the top of my game. Nothing could phase me. Overnight, all this confidence (arrogence) disappeared. Anxiety, and depression replaced my norm. It is shocking to see yourself as weak! The point is.....that others, who have had similar expeiriences, can remove your fears, help you re-build, give you validation in your own struggle. I am not good at all this stuff, but I know the power of support!
  18. Hi SamO. You are in the right place. Your family sounds great. Over the following months, this site may answer most of your concerns. It did for me! I was cynical,bitter and sure that no-one would understand what I felt like. I was wrong. There is a collective wisdom on this site. My story is like yours. Good luck SamO. Welcome to BTG!
  19. Hi Swishy. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I love this site! Only self harm drove me away. I thought I could do it on my own. ....I couldn't!
  20. Hi Sarah Lou. Our kids give us the backbone to carry on. More than carry on, to succeed! I find it difficult to read a lot of the posts on BTG. I tend to tear -up. So much of what folk go through, is just what I go through. This site is a life saver,....literally!
  21. All of the above. A long way to see all of this. I could have used this along time ago.
  22. Thanks Karen. I think you understand.
  23. Thanks Karen. My family have put up with my nonsense for years. I am well aware of my responsibility to them. The real wake up came, when two friends committed suicide in, unrelated , succession. I feel guilt, because I was so focused on myself, that I feel I missed the warning signs. The devastation caused to their families was immense. It shook me out of self pity. I now look for the signs in my friends and am not afraid to ask uncomfortable questions. Its good to be back Karen. Thanks for your support over the years. Bill.
  24. Hi Macca. You are right in all you say. I think that most of my problems stemmed from denying the changes. Refusing to wear an eyepatch or use a stick. Acceptance of my new reality has changed the way I see things. My former self has gone, much like childhood has gone. So what is left, is all that matters. It took me a long time to fully understand this. There must be others in BTG who have struggled and not been very good at adapting. Thanks for your thoughts Macca. Bill.
  25. All of this journey teaches you to be grateful for every minute. I think that underlying conditions, such as depression and anxiety, should not hamstring the future. I don't come to this lightly. I have thoughts of suicide. No balance, double vision, the inability to cross a road.I just want it to stop. Only my family saves me. In the end, the long, dark tunnel, is lit by the love of your family. For people like me, this all stinks. I was used to being in control. Front man in a band, stand up comic, qualified teacher, ......all round big kxxb. Now, I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. I am angry, ...that this little thing in my brain, has taken everything from me. Now you all know why I left BTG, and why I came back!¥
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