Bill B

All of the above. A long way to see all of this. I could have used this along time ago.

By the way,…..very incisive Lin!

I am 10 years recovered. Many highs , and recently, many lows. Anxiety is a huge part of my life. Anger, fear, …..the need to hide away. The difference between my former life,….pre- SAH,…….and now , is immense. All I can say is,….just keep trying,….the alternative is nothingness.

Hi Daffodill. This is my first post ,in nearly two years. I was diagnosed with ptsd,.prescibed beta-blockers and re uptake inhibitors. They do work,......but have alarming side effects. Things are much more stable now. I am venturing out of the house, though the fear is still monstrous. I was in a terrible place last year. Aggression, short temper, lack of modesty filters,..........all of which led me to withdraw from normal life. I had 18 months of counseling, and a complete drug regime, all of which, has let me venture out ,safe in the knowledge, that I will not be a harm to myself, or others. Ptsd is an horrendous condition. Vertigo, loss of balance, adrenaline rush, hallucination, and withdrawal from normality. Controlling the symptoms is a real struggle,.........but the meds help! I hope it all improves for you. Love,Bill.

Hi Debz. I am no expert, but have been through the full range of relationship experience, in the eight years of post SAH recovery. First of all, I would tell you that everything is great now. It has not always been so. Like you , I have had accusations of lazyness, selfishness, matyrdom, pity-milking behaviour and "for God's sake pull yourself together" , and get over it! The lack of a scar is a handicap. No-one would abuse a wheelchair- user or white stick carrier etc, etc. But we are different,......no visible sign. This is the problem for some partners. We, know that the exploded head is just the same as heart attack or trauma injury but others don't see it like that. One day ,you were fine, then you were in hospital, then you come out, ......you look just the same,.but you are not the same. I don't know if you can have this conversation with your boyfriend, but you need too. It has taken me years to ,finally, explain all the long term residue of my event. Now we are at peace with it all. I hope you can resolve your situation. Talking it through is the only way. He may just need more information, something that is ,sadly, lacking from the follow-up care. One more thought,.....this didn't just happen to you,....it hapened to your family and friends as well. The response of loved ones take many forms. Some will push you, some will tread on eggshells, some will ignore it all, and some are not really your friends at all. All of them have their own way of dealing with your trauma. Be patient with them, it's all new to them as well. Good luck. Bill.x.

It has been a few months now, since I last stuck my head above the ramparts.Depression and anxiety have laid me low. So what? I hear. We all feel low! But here is a dark truth. Having feelings , of any kind , is great. Real depression is being without any feelings at all. Having to think of body language /facial responses in social situations. The selfish thoughts of not wanting to exist anymore , and the damage that is caused to my family, because they know this is how I feel, is like an ever growing crescendo of noise. I don't have any answers , no sweet reveal, no happy ending, just one stitch in time. Once you make the decision, to stay alive, the endless ,empty void , that is depression,is just another ,transient state. All of us on this site, who struggle with these feelings (or lack of feelings) must understand, that the tunnel has an end. We must believe, that there is light and good , in all our futures! That's all I have to say.

Hi Fern. I had a second coiling performed six years after my SAH. I, too, was terrified but , like you, the thought of leaving the anni untreated was just not an option that I could live with. The op was successful but left me with double vision and balance problems (third nerve palsy). I see this as small price to pay, for peace of mind ,that I will not explode again. Good luck Fern. Bill.x

Hi David. I, like you , have recently hit the buffers. After years of improvement, suddenly, everything unraveled. I now try to imagine my life trough positive thoughts. Cognative therapy is helping, but the black dog is still sitting on my shoulder. We are all in this mess together, and no-one is immune from the negative feelings. Thank Karen for giving us this outlet for our misery. I hate being negative...but, sometimes, it helps to spew out your angst. Cheers, Bill.

Hi Linda, After eight years, I just don't seem to notice the constant "after- ring" in my left ear. My hearring is now mono and it can be quite disturbing, when my eyes tell me something is on the left, while my ears tell me it's on the right! I was diagnosed with"Third nerve palsy" a few years ago. This is a condition that a few of us on this site have. The Ani is coiled , then settles against the Third neve, causing double vision and tinnitus. Also, the whooshing sounds, that feel like an internal toilet being flushed! Weakness down my left side........etc, etc....but what I wanted to say you ,is, all these alterations in your being, become normal, and manageable, over time. From the outside, you don't look any different to anyone. With some adjustments, life is still good, and anything is possible. Cheers, Bill.

Hi Jigsaw, I have not been on BTG for a while! A few problems have restricted me. welcome , though, to you, and I hope you gain as much strength, as I have, from all the loveley people on this site! You are in the right place ! The full road to recovery is convoluted, and strung with setbacks, but , the understanding of fellow survivours is essential. There is so much love here,......it keeps you alive. Welcome girl! BILL X.

Hi Vanessa, I am very interested in any Nottingham support.I need all the help I can get! Oct. 4th .....Ill see you there! Do I contact the SAH nurse for details? Iv'e got a phone number somewhere. PS, I neXXver said hello....so, ...hello! Love BILL. XX

Hi all, it seems like lots of us have this problem, and it is a problem, because of the debilitating consequences of brutal honesty. I think it is worse for me because I used to perform comedy , in pubs, and much of the improvised act was based on the hipocracy and dishonesty of the audience. When you are in the accepted role of performance, you can get away with outrageous statements, because the rest of the audience suppresses the anger of the target. Not so, in real life, the response to my berating a litter -dropper, is one of hostility, and horror from the public. This causes me to turn on the public, for their inaction, and acceptance of anti social behaviour. So, you see why I don't go out any more! Mary, yes I am having therapy, and slowly, things are calming down. The plus side is the new level of honesty that my wife and I now have. I never hide any feelings from her, and , although this can be painful sometimes, there is a whole new level of trust. Amexdm , thanks for your words, I was a lot stronger back then. Daffodill, I love the idea of an honesty booth, I have a Punch and Judy routine, complete with mini cans of "Stella" all about wife beating and society and the courts, ignoring the massive problem of hidden violence . The sad thing is, people think it's very funny. So I berate the audience with the drunken Punch character. I need help, don't I? Oh yes, I'm getting help...... I forgot. Lisac, you've started something here.....good for you! I'm off to take my tablets. Speak soon! Bill.xx

Hi Lisac, this subject is very relevant to my present situation. First of all, following my SAH, I spent years suppressing my feelings of superiority. I know it sounds arrogant, but people irritated me , with their whining, petty, insignificant problems. Secondly, nearly eight years on, things have become so intense, that I can not leave the house, for fear of upsetting someone. I have become brutal in my commentary of other peoples behaviour. I am undergoing therapy for this, and am being instructed in the use of "modesty filters" to curtail my venom. So, to come to your point. You are not alone , in your feeling of genuineness, and, yes, I think a near death experience is what triggers it. I hope you don't fall as far as I have.On the few occasions that I do go out , with friends, they think it is hilarious, but I do not. I can't tell them, that I think they are all insects, with no vision of reality. The social norms and normal subterfuge of polite conversation , the hidden subtext, the subtle flirting, all irritates me. So I stop in! You are not alone with your honesty! This is my first post for months, I've not been well! Good to be back! Bill x

I love this thread!!! I was a goal keeper for 30 years, playing, in goal, the day before my SAH, at the age of 49. It is, in your genes, my son is a goalkeeper, and is just as mad as I was. I have so many scars and injuries from playing, collected over the years, and I too regard them as badges of honour. As for playing again......I tried,.....but could not see properly or judge the speed of the ball......so I stopped . My Dr had told me that there was no risk involved , in playing again. It was just unfortunate that I could not see. Don't be afraid, if you can do it.....do it. All goalkeepers are mad, And I, for one, am glad, I 'm mad! All the best. Bill B. xx

Hi all, I was driving and ran head first into an articticulated lorry. Had the same "ball of light" as some of you guys. Not as bad as being in the fast lane of the motorway though! Bill.x