have you changed as a person?

[cheezo]

Hi.

I had my sah followed by a craneiotomy and clipping on 8th may which was just 5 wks ago so im very new to this. Mine was just a grade 1 bleed which obviously is still horrific but not as bad as others- i still went unconscious and woke up paralyzed etc BUT I seem to be back to my normal self now. Obviously i have things like horrendous tiredness, cry all the time, sore heads etc but apart from that i think im my usual self. Im just wondering AM i my normal self or will it take a long time until i find out for sure?

I know we are all different but i am interested in finding out other peoples experiences just to give me some insight into what to expect

Thanks lesley xx

[SarahBeth]

Hi Lesley,

I had my SAH in February and i think i am still adapting to changes. I do not think i have changed as a person but i am learning to listen to my body and its new limitations. I feel like my body has changed from having a pretty good engine with lots of energy to operating on quite poor batteries that need recharging little and often! Provided that i manage my fatigue, i find that i have less headaches and feel like the old me more and more often. I try and plan in regular rests which seem to help me function normally and like the old me.

I have a scan next Tuesday to check out the coils that i had fitted in 2 aneurisms and to check on an aneurism which hasn't yet been treated.......to see whether that one will be treated soon. Fingers crossed all will be ok.

Take Care and listen to your body,

Sarah x

[cheezo]

Hi Lesley,

I had my SAH in February and i think i am still adapting to changes. I do not think i have changed as a person but i am learning to listen to my body and its new limitations. I feel like my body has changed from having a pretty good engine with lots of energy to operating on quite poor batteries that need recharging little and often! Provided that i manage my fatigue, i find that i have less headaches and feel like the old me more and more often. I try and plan in regular rests which seem to help me function normally and like the old me.

Sarah what a fab way to describe your body- that is exactly how i feel hahahaha I definitely ned a need engine, my batteries are rubbish

I am just trying to figure out my limitations now but its not that easy is it

Lesley x

[Louise]

have you changed as a person? I'd say yes I have & personally I like who I am now....but 5 wks isn't long at all & we're all different so don't dwell on it too much.

Take care

[Daffodil]

Hi there. I don't think I have changed as a person but my experience has changed my outlook somewhat and I have been forced to make other changes in my life that i wouldnt have chosen but I'm still much the same person at heart.

Louise makes a good point that it's very early on for you and sometimes the effect of a shock like this takes a bit of time to show itself. Severity doesnt really come into it, you had a life threatening event just a few weeks back so I would just take yourself as you are for now and take every day as it comes rather than think too much about what's changed or look for comparisons to then and now. Celebrate the moments without a headache, rejoice when you get to cut back your meds, cry when it's all a bit much, but don't dwell too much on it if you can. Take care.

[cheezo]

Hi Lousie and Daffodil. Thank you, the enormity of what has happened is starting to hit me and I'm realizing things are going to change daily so i am going to try and just get on best i can and see what happens- I'll need to just make the best of however i turn out - fingers crossed its not to bad .

[Daffodil]

Loving the picture. Reminds me of my own 'human league' post SAH hairstyle; so very retro and on vintage style!!

[cheezo]

Hahaha daffodil I have been calling myself Phil since my hair cut- my hair has been long and straight for about 10 years and i had been thinking of getting a new style NOT in a million years did i think id be going back to the 80's

[Teechur]

I remember about two months after my SAH I asked a friend who also had an SAH (we are both in the same running group and she posted about having had one and I friended her on FB) when she felt like herself again. At that time she was about 9 months out and she said "I still don't feel like myself."

Now I am almost a year and a half out and I am MORE myself than before, but not who I used to be. I will be 100% honest; I am as Pollyanna, glass-is-half full, golly gee it's a great day to be alive as they come, but I miss my old life so much. I'm a high school teacher, running coach, personal trainer, and weight loss coach. My days sometimes start at 5:30 am and end at 9 p.m. and that's what I love. My husband and I would spend all summer getting into new crazy situations; okay mostly me and he'd take pictures. It was nothing for me to wake up on a summer morning, go teach two bootcamp classes, then say "Let's go out and bike the trail and do that ropes course!" burn about 1000000 calories making the most out of every day.

When I first got out I realized I was very fortunate, and I really didn't want to believe that I had changed. I really was in a lot of denial, and I think it wasn't necessarily a good thing. I don't mean lie down and accept that your brain and body has betrayed you, eat bon bons all day, and cry into your Cheerios. I think, though, that I would have done myself a favor not to resume activies as soon as I did. I think it slowed my recovery and sometimes I do have a fear that maybe it caused some (please don't let it be so) permanent damage.

Crying is normal, fatigue is normal, feeling like you get two steps forward and then take three steps back is normal. It doesn't mean you'll suffer constant setbacks, but you just have to let the day flow. I think it also helps to keep a sense of humor and maybe even a blog. I wrote a lot on FB (my life is an open book) but then when one "friend" replied to a frustrating post "Good God Tory! It's just a HEADACHE" I realized that maybe I was sounding like a whiner. (She became an un-friend immediately at that point because that was cruel.) I blogged some, and then the ones I felt like I wanted to share I'd post on FB. There were a few very important ones. I had to tell people to stop offering advice because trust me, I can run the Google machine all by myself, even with brain damage. (I teach IT, so I can run the Google machine better than most women my age.) I also had to post locally not to hug me because for awhile I had parasthesia and it actually could hurt when someone hugged me.

I digress, though. So now I'm in a better place. Energy is back, but I do deal with chronic headaches. I try now to not plan ahead much, but definitely make the most of good days. Tuesday I had to leave work early and was in bed from about 11 a.m. until 5:30 yesterday. Yesterday I felt great, got tons done at work, did a bunch of errands, and then taught bootcamp, and my beginning runner class. Today was great until about 12:30 when a nasty looking storm brought a headache with it. So I've canceled my afternoon plans and am just looking forward to going home. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel great! Let's hope so!

In short, it takes awhile to be 100% back but just do what you can to enjoy the good days, and let yourself relax and recover on the challenging days.

[Winb143]

Hi Lesley,

You will go through a gambit of emotions, but you will come through it xx

I cry, laugh, sing and swear. I like Louise, like the new me, (I even liked the old me).

Keep singing and smiling, take it easy. Love yourself xx

My hubby was told he should think about putting me in a home as I would never walk again etc etc.

Up to a 100 yards nearly ! then back goes

Thank goodness he said no thanks !! had shunt fitted and nearly good as new apart from waistline.

So never give up even on down days xx Good luck

WinB143 xx

[kpaggett]

Soon after SAH, I felt like a totally different person. I was acting very autistic in that I couldn't even look anyone in the eye for some reason I can't comprehend. I'd look in the mirror and cry because I saw my reflection, but I didn't at all feel like 'Kris'. It started out at 0/10 and now I am 12/10. I am even more myself outwardly than ever. The things I used to like, I love them. The way I did things, I behave that way to a greater degree. I used to look at photos of times before SAH and feel totally disconnected to that. Now, I feel the past before SAH is a part of me again.

At times, the new memories after SAH were like how you'd remember a book instead of how you'd remember your own life. I had a slight detachment or disassociation to my life. Now, I form memories normally again.

A neuropsychologist once asked me if I felt like a person who'd had something bad happen to her or if I felt like a completely different person. I chose the latter. This was a bad sign apparently, but I made it out the other side.

[Winb143]

Well put Kris xx

[HollyEllen]

I am someone I don't recognize in a hundred ways. My SAH and coiling was done in what the Dr describes as an irritable spot. It has been 5 months and my emotional changes are getting worse. I hate this person I've become and it tears me to pieces to know its happening and realize I have 0 control over it. I'm angry, panicked, irritable, unrealisticlly nutty for lack of a better term. My nerves are shot and soon if something doesn't change I'll have no family left.

[Desy]

Hello HollyEllen. Didn't think this would be my first post but just can't pass by your post and not reply.

Please don't give up, do what ever you can to release these emotions, go out side and scream as loud and as long as it takes to release the anger and frustration, never worry about what the neighbours or any one else thinks.

Take a good long look at the new you some where in there will be good points and if you can't find them think of the biggest one, the new you is the survivor of this terrible illness not the old you, I found that the first point of my recovery and the biggest thing, i also try to focus on the bad points of the old me like not being close enough to my family, sitting on my butt all day if i was of work and not being confident enough amongst others and be glad they are gone, every thing else can be worked on day by day.

When it comes to my family I find that just like a child I need a wee time out now and again, I explained to those closest to me that if I just walk away its for this reason and this reason only and I'm not being righteous nor ignorant.

You had it bad you survived now go out side and shout as loud as you can I AM ALIVE!!!

Hope you feel better soon, bye

Think I may go introduce my self now lol

[cheezo]

Hi hollyellen- I agree with desy You Are Alive so work from there- scream shout even throw things to get the frustratiin out then sit in the fresh air take deep breaths then I'm sure you will come up with the good things about yourself- whats happened is god damn I know, since first posting this i have discovered im more argumentative which is driving me nuts, i have a voice in my head saying shut up shut up but for some reason i just keep going grrrrrrrrr

I hope your just having a/bad day and feel better later xxxx

[Skippy]

Hey there

It is a very hard thing to adjust to and unfortunately the only thing that will help is time. I had a punch bag in the garage that used to get my frustration and anger out on - but by far the best thing for me was to just cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore - I always felt better after (even if it was only for a couple of days) and then when I felt bad again, I'd repeat the process - punch bag, bed, tears.

I don't mean this to sound flippant as I've very much been in your position - but not fighting the "new" you goes a long way to the resentment, anger and frustration abating. Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but once I accepted that I wasn't going to be the old me again, the fight was easier and adaption was smoother.

We're all here to help you through this as it is the toughest part of recovery I think.

[kpaggett]

I agree with skips here. The new you gets bullied by the old you. Look at the new you as a separate person who is in you living room. What would you do for him/her? Would you complain at her? Tell her she isn't trying? Tell her since she is not in control that there is nothing worth doing? No, you'd be there for her, right? Be there now.

now go punch that pillow for her also!

~Kris

[cheezo]

Oh my goodness PERFECT- what a great way to describe how i feel too (except id like to think im not old at 46)

Edited June 19, 2013 by Tina
Quote removed :)

[Winb143]

Hi HollyElllen,

I was told I went baby like after op. but being youngest of 10 I am the baby !! no matter how old I am.

I have changed, I liked the old me but I love the new me.

I also cry a lot but I was watery headed before op, so nothing new there.

To be alive is most important to me and to be able to tell my family how much I love them.

They go yeah yeah lol, but I feel the need to tell them as I have be given a second chance to do so.

Now go and live laugh and be Happy when possible xx We can make a difference xx (Dunno how yet).

Perhaps by helping each other ??

Best Wishes

WinB143 xx xx

Edited June 19, 2013 by Winb143

[Teechur]

This thread reminds me of a comment my Dad made once. Late in life he told me: "Boy, I don't feel like an old man. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him." That's how I feel now....

That's how I feel too. I think my main worry is that this is it. This is the rest of my life, day to day trying to figure out how to do everything I need to through a haze of pain.

I AM super happy to be alive, and feel very blessed in so many ways. I just am afraid of having to "slow down" at the tender age of 48. I know a lot of people already are slowing down but that's not me. For me, not accepting my limitations feels like what I need to do right now.

Yesterday I did something I have done many many times before and it was HARD. By the time I finished I was drained and I had to dig very deep to finish. I don't remember when this has been as hard in the past and that makes me sad. But at the same time, it made me proud to push myself. I just don't want to think that the hard is going to last forever without at least my abilities being better. I'm afraid that if I accept it, I will lay back and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. I accept slowing down so I don't push it any more and therefore I slow down.

I think mentally and emotionally I am back to who I was, except maybe more laid back which is a good thing. I also think that it has given me even more drive to be as healthy as I can and make decisions that are right for my body and my longevity. Physically no, but if I don't push past my current limitations, I will never GET past my current limitations. As I always tell my women bootcampers when we do pushups, "Start off your knees because if you don't get off your knees, you'll never get off your knees." In other words, challenge yourself daily to move a little beyond where you are now, but don't be afraid to rest as needed.

[kpaggett]

I get that same 'Old Lady' feeling too. I think sometimes that If I feel like this now, how am I going to make it when the natural affect of aging kicks in? What will life look like at 70?

Then I slap myself and say that no one knows the future, Who knows...I may fair better than all the rest! Why feel old when I could feel acceptance?

Live in the present!

~Kris

[MaryB]

Hi, I am at almost 2 years I would say yes, I have changed as a person- for the better. Am I 100% pleased with all the changes? No- could of became thin, younger, better memory and not so fatigued, oh and my hair turned to brown again. Do I ever forget I am where I am now? No, is it because I am older and wiser? Or that I have to watch where my feet are when I walk and take extra care when driving, etc.. I cannot just wing stuff like I use to. I am always aware of what I am doing it seems. It may be combined with my other conditions I have weakened in many ways.

Nothing one can do about change except accept & embrace where you are and move on. We all are so different and have different damage, different health issues etc as well as age. I wish I had more energy & memory but I still have hoped that part will get better. I pride myself in finding ways to compensate for my short comings but sometimes it is a struggle.

I use all my super “powers” at work. You know if you were so sick you do not think you can get out of bed but if the house is on fire you would be able to run? I think work does that for me as today I had to help trim nails on a 90# pit bull and it took 3 of us 20 minutes. I also had to get a wild dog into a crate for the first time and think where does this strength come from? I thought it would be a bad day as it hurt my hands to squeeze the toothpaste this morning!! I certainly know why my shoulder will be hurting tomorrow unless I forget what I did today!

Maryb

[Winb143]

Considering I was told I'd never walk again, I guess I cannot complain that my botty sticks out when I

walk, I have tried to hold it in but the cakes are showing now. Gone to hips ahh.

I will be good today and not moan or groan about a thing (well try).

So yes I have changed, as before I used to shop till I dropped now I watch more TV and walk up garden about

once a day.

I so want to walk further and hold hubby's hand and walk him into a café for lunch lol xx

Love to All

Lets all try and be positive today? Well ? xx

Love

Win xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx