Apologies in advance it’s bit long winded but then it has been 20 years seems a bit surreal really, but thought because it was that long I’d share a bit of how far I have come since that time a long LONG way so many up’s as well as down’s on here I use the phrase ‘swings and roundabouts’ and that is true of my recovery for every few steps forward there was the same and lots more back the way but eventually there were no steps forward and this is it.
Keeping a diary is a good way of knowing how much things improved something I didn’t do at the start I kept forgetting to write things down (memory) or I did write them down but in the begin I’d miss pages out it was hard to find what I’d last wrote or I’d turn the notebook upside down and write thankfully that’s not the case now So there’s an improvement in itself. And I now use the computer so that really helps.
Day before my 2nd Ani-versary on of all days Halloween my Dad passed away that was a challenge I have to say and the fact would I cope, well simply I muddled through about all I can say there, waded through some horrific times with his neighbours, all this brings you so low but in the end makes you so strong.
So really since the first Ani-versary I don't really do anything and the reason for that mostly I have my Dad’s aniversary on 31st Oct, my Ani-versary on 1st Nov and my Mum’s anniversary (also the day my Dad was cremated) 6th Nov. But as the years go it’s gotten a lot easier, although this year has been challenging with the constant mention of 31st October.
In 2006 I stumbled on BTG I hadn’t been using to using a computer long and the search would have been limited I think it was something like ‘people recovering from a Brain Haemorrhage, so the basic of the basic and the first thing I saw was Behind the grey had a nose and have never looked back Karen and Sami were so friendly and that was that, I am so grateful to them for just basically being there.
When I got here the site hadn’t been running all that long but I was 6 years down the road at that time in recovery bobbing along, but Ronnie’s young cousin Candice had died of a SAH caused by the shrinkage of a Tumour she was one of 6 all girls I first meet her when she was 4 or 5 she was 18 when she passed, we went to Stevenage for the funeral OMG!
That was hard and on my return I was I guess suffering from ‘survivors guilt’ I was doing a computer course at college for people like me with challenges so used what I had to find out about this feeling of no one else understanding how I felt and how it was to have a Brain Haemorrhage feeling so alone. And finding BTG found I wasn't the only one feeling isolated and alone at last there were others who knew just how I felt-they got it. I am eternally grateful to Karen for this site.
There was a support group at the hospital I was in, met once a month first Monday of every month at 7pm – what why can’t it be in the day, I don't do evenings!! I mean I just found this strange having chronic fatigue all the time and having to go to a support group meeting in the evening just seemed daft! Needless to say I never went.
In 2007 we decided to move house could I have done that in the early early years No I couldn’t I can honestly say hand on heart I don’t know what I was thinking about, but the thought of not having to climb 3 flights of stairs was alluring I was willing if not actually able to move. It took a long time to get used to the new place, surroundings, and people.
I now live in the village my Dad was born and brought up in and in the early days of living here I was sure this place was my Past, not present nor future, but it’ll be 12 years at the end of November since we moved here so always hang in there give it time, don’t throw the towel in till you’ve tried, that’s me anyway thankfully I have a lot of my Mum’s traits and that was one hers.
There have been many challenges since but if there’s one thing having had the SAH you have strength in other ways. Last year I lost my Uncle after a very long battle cancer and then Dementia took hold. I took my first flight in well over 20 years, and tried to be as much support to Ronnie as he’d been to me over the years I think I wouldn't be the person I am without his love and support and the massive encouragement he’s given me time and time again..
It’s a bit of a surprise really to find that its 20 years since I left work at 5pm on 1st Nov 1999 I barely remember getting home that night then simply life changed. But I feel very blessed to have what I have and I never take things for granted I have two pictures on the wall in this room;
‘When the world says give up, hope whispers try it one more time’. And the other says:
‘We create our tomorrows by what we dream today’.
Thank-you to Karen and everyone on the site. xxx