Has the SAH improved your life?

[Karen]

Hi,

I've read many times, especially on other forum's, as to how the SAH has improved people's attitude to life or how they've reformed .... has it improved yours and made a difference in the way that you now view or live your life?

I tend to think, that I'm that same person as I've always been ... the SAH hasn't particularly changed me .... when I had my book interview with Alison Wertheimer, she thought that it would change me ...... however, as to date, the only thing that has changed, have been my choices, because I can't work ... I've always felt that life is too short and have been quite a positive, but realistic person..... I've just responded to somebody on the DS website, who has stipulated how much his life has changed .... and may be for the better.

I must admit, that I've always thought that I'm an "okay" person .... now that I'm over 2 years post SAH, I still can't find any reasons as to why the SAH has enhanced my life ..... apart from meeting you lovely lot....

[rampmama]

Hmmm. Good question.

I certainly had to re-evaluate what was important and my goals for the year. I think overall it has taught me to be easier on myself and maybe not to always drive for so much. That my new self is a good one even if I can't do everything I could in February of this year.

I have a much worse temper now, less patience but I am trying. So does that answer the question. Not really but I guess the people around me are better at judging.

[Janet]

Hi Karen

I don't think that so far its changed my attitude to life and it certainly hasn't reformed me. It is still early days for me though its only 9 months to the day since I had my annie clipped.

Like Linda I find that I have less patience and get very irritable was really quite laid back before and patient.

But I agree with your philosophy of life and have always been a very realistic person....

Maybe a few years down the line I might respond differently if the same question is raised.

Janet x

[Karen]

Hi Ladies,

Your replies are interesting to read .....

From what I've read, it seems to be the men that have found the SAH to be more life changing .....

I personally don't feel that I've changed ..... I've always valued family, friends and life in general .... I can't say that the SAH has made me a better person ... unless I'm missing the point somewhere!

[Janet]

Karen

Is it that with men their work/life balance is very different to the way in which the majority of women live their lives. Therefore because of SAH's their priorities become different....

Janet

[Karen]

Janet, you hit the nail on the head and you've said exactly what I think .....

I think that many men don't have to go through too many changes in their lifetime .... with women, you go to work, have children etc and are constantly re-adjusting your life to fit around the family ..... you're always having to think about how your own decisions are going to impact on the family. You tend to put your needs last and everybody else comes before you do.

[rince]

It would naive to say that I haven't changed, the last four years of my life have been "different" compared to what went before. I have spent a lot more time with my wife and children, and that has been a revelation. Many people find that enforced time in their partner's presence leads to a break up, in ours it led to a radical rethink of our relationship. I went from breadwinner to dependant in the space of a few seconds, Sarah went from housewife to being the main wage earner. It's fair to say that our marriage has had a major overhaul! Without that remake we probably would of been headed for a divorce, but we had started making changes before my SAH so it's difficult to make guesses about where we would of been without my SAH (my best estimate is exactly where we are now).

My children have probably seen the biggest change, they now have a "stay at home" dad, that can only be good for them I think. We live in a world of changing gender roles and for boys to have the roles models that Sarah and I provide can in my mind only be good for them and their future partners. I have been able to play an active role at their school, and seen the huge female basis that is there at "primary" school (nine to one female to male staff ratio and even larger "helper" ratio). I fully intend to continue even beyond my youngest son's stay at the school.

Socially I am far more withdrawn, but not at the football club where I am far more active. I always personally wanted to watch more football and I do now. I am now virtually teetotal, prior to the SAH I was on a "holiday" from booze to prove to myself that I didn't need to get drunk in order to socialise (don't think tho I was a drunk I only used to indulge on a fortnightly basis and the occasional drink through work). Sarah now has a far more active social live than me! Although I was touched to see so many people at my 40th, I tend to compartmentalize (made up word) into very seperate sections and never intertwine them EVER, but for the first time ever I allowed them all to come together and was surprised by how well they all got on. Would I of continued to know all these people without my SAH? Of course I would, but I don't know where my life free of SAH would of taken me.

So to sum it up, I have less money than SAH free, have a smaller social circle than SAH free, more time with my family than SAH free but would I swap my life now for a life with no SAH? You bet I would. That's not to say I am unhappy now, far from it. I am though in constant fear of dying, but I am far more aware of life and how joyous it can be. Being aware of your own mortality is not always a good thing but also it's not always a bad thing. Health wise I am now obviously far worse off than pre SAH, but I have a far healthier lifestyle, not a bad thing as I'm sure you'll all agree. If you offered me a swap with worse case senario with no SAH then I would probably pause for thought, but offer me going back to the day of my SAH and the hemorrhage going away I would take your arm off!

I am not unhappy, in fact I am very happy at times but that doesn't change the fact that I am not a "well" man. I am a realist and know I am lucky to be alive, but also I can see other who have been through the same as me and not had the problems I have had and am a little jealous. But I am not bitter (at least 23 1/2 hours a day I'm not) and I accept who I am NOW and that is something I couldn't say pre SAH.

Scott

[Karen]

Very nicely put Scott.....

Looking back at my own life .... I have no regrets .... I probably could have had a much better career, earned a lot more money, bigger house etc etc ... but I wouldn't have swapped the time that I've spent with my kids for anything. Like you're doing now, I used to help out at school, mainly with Art and English .... it was one of my most rewarding times and something that I'll never forget.

I can remember one of Lauren's friends saying how jealous she used to feel of Lauren .... her Mum worked full time and she had to go to a child minder on a school day or if she was sick etc .

We're all very different, but looking back, I cannot see how the SAH has enhanced my life in any way and if somebody could rewind the clock and take this all away, then I would gladly let them. Like you, I've learned to adjust to the way life is now and find the positives.

I often wonder how Eric would have coped, if this had happened to him and he had gone from breadwinner to the dependant ... personally, I feel that he would have really struggled making/coping with the adjustments to his life and he would probably be the first person to admit it, if he was asked.

[andyp]

I had to reply to this..and I am only speaking for myself!

The SAH has given me a reason to value life more-to value my family and my friends.

To know what is important and what isn't-what is transient and what lasts.

To examine myself and see where I am lacking.

To reaffirm my faith.

A sort of second chance-I wouldn't want to experience it again -but in a strange way I wouldn't want to turn back the clock.

It has been the hardest time of my life-but enriching in many ways.

I am on a journey and this is a key moment in that journey.

I am still struggling with many issues -life isn't easy-but that journey continues...

[Skippy]

Hi there

Mmmm a tough question really.

Paul and Siobhan tell me that I am a lot calmer and shout less about little trivial things (i.e the dishwasher not being loaded, things not being picked up off the floor etc) - basically I don't sweat the small stuff any longer.

I've always valued my family and friends, but possibly there hasn't been much of it the other way - sometime I was (or felt I was) taken for granted - Sami the reliable, she'll always be there, Sami will do it for you etc etc etc - now I think there's a bit more respect there - flowing both ways.

My relationship with my father is a hundred times better - his reaction to me nearly dying woke his own feelings up I think and now we're great - I'm no longer seeking his approval or needing him to be proud of me - now I know he loves me and is proud of what I've achieved in my life.

I also have the constant fear of dying - not because I'm scared of death but because I hate the thought of leaving my darling daughter without her mother.

The biggest thing for me is that I'm not so judgemental or quick to react to a certain person or situation.

Would I rather not have had this? Yes, I would rather this hadn't happened but at the same time there are areas of my life are better than they were before SAH.

Sami xxx

[BIG AL]

HI KAREN,

I would be lying if i didnt say my SAH"s have improved my outlook on life! Although i was a very laid back person anyway(isnt that most men??)the people around me tell me im more laid back than ever!

I dont let many things bother me, ie; current affairs, money problems,debt,bills? The only thing i get stressed out about is if anything goes wrong with my car as my work is 25 miles from home? Oh and my tax return stresses me!

I am very thankful for just being able to live as normal a life as before and i admit that i take it very granted for at times! But arent non SAH sufferers guilty of taking life for granted as well? Nobody appreiciates being healthy until something goes wrong with them!

I am now in a different relationship to when i had my SAH"s and to be honest we never talk about it because she never went through it all with me and doesnt know the pain and suffering that everybody suffered and as i dont have any complications we dont feel a need to mention it?

We have a 3yr old son now and boy do i value having him! he is my world!

Hope that all made sense and i didnt get off track??

regards-BIG AL

[Karen]

Well, there's been some very interesting responses to the subject.

Like Sami, I have always valued family, friends and in the same respects, have probably been taken for granted pre-SAH, in the fact that I've never really minded putting myself out for anybody and people could always depend on me. The tables have turned somewhat in that department and probably people have to make more of an effort than they once did, but on the whole, I still have the same amount of friends around me and I know that they're always on hand if I need them. I think that me having the SAH, was a huge shock to them and they probably also changed to a degree and re-evaluated their own lives. I never take any of them for granted and I've always been grateful for their support .... we're also a bit more "huggy" now too!

[Blondie]

I have no regrets about the SAH really. I wouldn't have chosen to have one, obviously, but I like a lot of the changes.

Negatives - well, we all know them: pain, fatigue, fear, intolerant of noise and lots of everyday experiences... , nausea

Positives - giving up smoking (and not suffering any of the symptoms ), far more laidback, in the way Sami says - I dont sweat the small stuff. I am kinder and more considerate of others too. Overall, I'm healthier - I've put a little weight on (if I dont lose it all ), I get far more sleep.

Karen and Sami - maybe you weren't taken for granted as such? Someone pointed out on here about women juggling so many things - thing is, when it's done really well it's not always clear just how much effort is involved - and therefore how much appreciation is warranted?!

Blondie

[Skippy]

Hi guys

It's Siobhan Sami's daughter.

I just want to say thank you to all your support as i don't where my mum would be without you all.

it was great meeting you.

it has been a great change, not only to mum, but to me too. It has changed my life a lot too by accepting what has happened and it is so apprieciated that Karen has made this website. I can't say thank you enough.

Can't wait till the next meet up!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love and thankyou's

Siobhanxxxxx

[Karen]

Hi Siobhan,

You're an absolute poppet and bless you for your kind words ....

I'm quite certain that you've been a tower of strength to your Mum throughout her illness and if Sami is anything like me, then that has kept her going through the bad times.

A big hug coming to you! .....

Lots of love xxxxxx

[Janet]

Hello Siobhan

It was lovely meeting you too. I think we all find BTG a great support and have made some great friends here.

You have just come through one of the hardest years having to watch your mother recover from a serious condition.

It must have made you feel quite alone at times especially with your friends as it is hard enough for adults to cope with so must have been hard for them to understand what you were going through.

You are a very brave and wonderful girl and I know the biggest thing of all making your mum recover so well is you and your dad.

Take care Siobhan see you again soon.

Janet xx